Why I moved closer to my family (and yes, this reason is better than, “So I could shoot the Mormons at close range.”)

My mother called Friday night and informed me that she was going to take us out to dinner, Leta and me. I was just so fed up with her generosity that I told her no, not another free meal, she could just go and be nice to someone else because I am DONE contributing to her ticket to heaven, how about we go and toilet paper my sister’s house instead?

“I’ll pick you up in an hour,” was all she had to say.

“No, really, Mom. And no more Skin So Soft. Do you have any idea how soft that stuff makes my skin? So soft. And in case you hadn’t noticed yet I can’t go around with that kind of exterior. It makes me feel like I’m lying.”

While at dinner my mother wrestled Leta like she was rushing the stage at a rock concert and Leta was the bouncer holding her back. Finally she figured out that Leta no longer consumes food (I could have told her about that part, but her road to heaven should be as frustrating as possible, that’s why I’m alive) and she sat Leta in the middle of the booth and handed her a cosmetics bag. Can you IMAGINE the machinery in that zipped arsenal, the cosmetics bag of the Avon World Sales Leader?

I myself put down my fork to get a closer look because WHO KNOWS WHAT’S IN THAT THING. Forget the lipstick, I want to see the special secret creams that don’t just hide the wrinkles but transfer them from your face to that exceptionally embarrassing flap of skin separating the butt cheek from the thigh. You know that’s how they do it, right? It doesn’t matter who the manufacturer is because even Estée Fucking Lauder can’t get around the laws of physics. Go check your ass right now, and when you freak out remember to pass out facing the carpet, not the wall.

“You’re cheating,” I told her.

“No, I’m just resourceful.”

“I don’t have a cosmetics bag with that kind of power to distract. I don’t have ANYTHING with that kind of power.”

“I’m her grandmother. I’m allowed to pull out all the stops.” She had a point, except a part of me felt like she was cheating the rest of the grandmothers, too. All the other ones who don’t sell more Avon products than every other representative ON EARTH.

“Do you think she and I will have as loving a relationship as you and I have?”

And I adore my mother because she said, “If she’s anything like you there will be so much love IT WILL KILL YOU. Now eat your damn burrito.”