This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Self-absorbed exhibitionist

It’s a little late in the month to be announcing this, but there’s a full-page picture of me and Chuck in the January issue of Glamour magazine out now (I suppose it will still be on stands for a few more days). It’s the issue with Salma Hayek and her fantastic bosoms on the cover, perfect really since I take my Salma Hayek Vitamin every morning which has done nothing for my chest size, but boy! is my pee neon yellow.

We gave a copy of the magazine to my parents and to Jon’s mother with the explicit instructions that they should only look at the picture and refrain from reading any of the written material. I doubt they’ll heed that directive especially since it says, “I HAD PREMARITAL SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME AT AGE 22,” across the top of my picture. Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad! Here’s a national magazine talking about your daughter doing drugs and screwing soap stars!

In preparation for the photo shoot someone from Glamour headquarters called to instruct me on what to wear, mentioning specifically that I should have at least three outfits on hand: a “yummy, chunky sweater,” or perhaps a “fresh, crisp button-down,” and definitely a “pressed pair of khakis.” Alas, all of my yummy sweaters were NEVER IN MY WARDROBE IN THE FIRST PLACE, and the last time I wore a crisp button-down was when I didn’t have to worry about another human being walking up to me for the individual purpose of wiping their chocolate milk mustache on my shoulder.

The day before the photographer showed up we drove downtown to Banana Republic, snatched the first Fresh! and Crisp! button-down we could find, and that is what you see in the photo. Chuck, on the other hand, totally got away with going nude.

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