An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Amsterdam: Day One

Yesterday we had lunch across the street at Cafe Americain where I had Drie Boeren Broodjes, perfectly yummy bread and cheese and pastrami, while Jon had some monstrously offensive slab of what they claimed was chicken covered in peanut butter. I willingly had a bite off his plate before knowing that IT WOULD BITE ME BACK. Some of y’all warned me about Dutch food, and I thought, yeah, can’t be that bad right? It’s that bad. That. Bad.

[———- this ———-] bad where ———- equals WILL KILL YOU. Badful.

Jon had to tell me to stop making a certain face so that he could finish his meal in peace. That face you make when you get a fishing hook caught on the cartilage inside your nose and someone yanks at it.

cafe americain

Then we took a canal boat tour in the pouring rain.

view from canal boat

Thirty seconds into the tour it stopped raining, the skies cleared and everything looked like a children’s picture book.

pretty houses

And then thirty seconds later it started to snow. And then the jet lag knocked me in the head and left me for dead.

ass kicked.

Last night we slept a full 12 hours, so this morning we’re rested and headed to the Van Gogh Museum. I will be dressing for all four seasons so that all possible weather scenarios are covered — short-sleeved shirt, ski vest, scarf, rain slicker, flask attached to thigh with velcro-strap.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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