Heater, Mother of Lance

They’re letting anyone write a children’s book these days

  • ErinMqt

    2006/03/30 at 12:12 pm

    Some other classics from an old email forward (when forwards were still good):

    “Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Microwave Games”


    “Daddy Left Because You’re Bad”

  • Sonnet Blanton

    2006/03/30 at 12:27 pm

    Heather’s hair = hotness.

  • tksinclair

    2006/03/30 at 12:41 pm

    Your hair is amazing! It looks just like that model – Sienna Miller (I think?!?!). It’s fresh, youthful and incredibly sexy!

  • kerri

    2006/03/30 at 1:10 pm

    Yeah, me, too! Have to get in on all of this hair complimenting. It’s adorable! And Jon’s t-shirt is awesome. I remember laughing when I saw that t-shirt featured on Preshrunk awhile back.

  • nicolelise

    2006/03/30 at 11:48 am

    hair is beautiful!
    i feel a little sketchy noticing this, but…is that st. ives apricot scrub i see in your shower? is jon exfoliating now?

  • susan @ yow

    2006/03/30 at 11:54 am

    Those are hysterical! Thanks for the laugh.

  • Holy Schmidt! - Melanie

    2006/03/30 at 11:54 am

    Holy shit, I needed that! Thank you for keeping me insane.

  • veg4me

    2006/03/30 at 12:05 pm

    If a book was written about my neighbors it would be called The Runaway Bunny left home because a Very Hungry Caterpillar crawled into his father’s head and made him demented enough to spend their earnings on strippers at his lunch hour playing Pat the Bunny.

    maybe the new hairdo is photoshop trickery as well…

  • cali

    2006/03/30 at 11:04 am


  • RzDrms

    2006/03/30 at 11:20 am

    are you blonde again?! last time you went away from blonde, you said it was the last picture we’d ever see of you blonde. i hope you’re blonde again though. you look SO PRETTY that way (but, of course, gorgeous with darker hair too, but the blonde…H-O-T!). 🙂

  • wealhtheow

    2006/03/30 at 11:28 am

    LOVE the hair! Also, I would dearly love to send some of those books to some of the more neurotic mothers I know, especially I Lost My Dad to Syphilis.

  • Jason

    2006/03/30 at 10:47 am

    Brilliant! Wish they were real, I’d love to get some and leave them places…like at the doctors office 😛

  • joy

    2006/03/30 at 10:29 am

    finally, a book i can use to speak to my child about gender confusion….

  • m@

    2006/03/30 at 10:36 am

    hmm, i guess ‘You’re Weird’ had its cover changed since I sent it from the publisher — it was supposed to be a book about politics. psh, crazed children’s publishers wastin’ my flavah….

  • schloobie

    2006/03/30 at 9:52 am

    Preetttty sneaky, sis! (To quote an old Connect Four commercial). Good Photoshopping.

  • LJH

    2006/03/30 at 9:04 am

    Heather, I just wanted to say I absolutely LOVE your new haircut. You are just one of those women who look good no matter what their hair length!!

  • Erik

    2006/03/30 at 9:34 am

    wow, i’m an idiot. i sent that to all my friends saying, “i can’t believe this!!!”

    they were all like, “erik, it’s photoshopped.”

  • trevordlb

    2006/03/30 at 8:12 am

    Okay, I rarely every say this, but I feel it’s worthy: OMG!!!

  • Heather

    2006/03/30 at 8:32 am

    Those are HILARIOUS!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today!!

  • Cindy

    2006/03/30 at 8:39 am

    My first thought was “Boy, am I out of the loop of childrens book nowadays…”

    My second thought, after the lightbulb went off in my head was, “Boy, I wish I could photoshop like Heather!” 🙂

    Thanks for the laughs today (and always)! Happy April Fool’s!


  • Snickrsnack Katie

    2006/03/30 at 8:12 am

    Oh my GOD. I totally was sitting here, mouth gaping open, in complete and utter shock as to why I had never found these awesome books! And then I realized. This HAS to be April Fool’s Day two days early. My GOD Heather. You have MAD photoshop skills! Either that, or the bookstores in Salt Lake City are WAY different that the ones in Houston. I figured the only books you could find around there were the Book of Mormon and, well, the Book of Mormon.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  • katiemagic

    2006/03/30 at 8:08 am

    Your hair looks awesome.

  • The Mighty Jimbo

    2006/03/30 at 7:15 am

    there could be a spot for you on the daily show.

  • Zea

    2006/03/30 at 7:24 am

    Is this a good spot to confess I actually bought my 9 y.o. son a copy of “The Day My Butt Went Psycho”?

    He, however, is a graduate of Capt. Underpants University. I have a feeling Leta is going to loooove Dav Pilkey (and don’t forget to check out “The Dumb Bunnies”).

  • Carli

    2006/03/30 at 7:40 am

    I want to order them all and give them as inappropriate gifts to children at their birthday parties. Maybe then I won’t be invited anymore. Soo funny, happy good morning to me!

  • Teachbroeck

    2006/03/30 at 7:49 am

    I FREAKED OUT! I love the book What Color is Your Underwear! Thought I was buying inappropriate literature. YOU GOT ME!

  • Strizz

    2006/03/30 at 6:47 am

    Love the new hair. And the blurry neck nuzzle. Dead szexy.

  • Jennifer

    2006/03/30 at 6:49 am

    Good Lord. That’s freaking hilarious.

  • eddeaux

    2006/03/30 at 6:50 am

    Oh my word. Those were classick.

  • Heather

    2006/03/30 at 6:59 am

    Okay, I know this off-topic but… has anyone ever told Jon that he bears a striking resemblance to former matchbox twenty guitarist, Adam Gaynor????

  • Shelli

    2006/03/30 at 7:07 am

    I WANT THEM ALL!!!!!! 🙂

  • Wicked H

    2006/03/30 at 7:07 am

    Loving the new hair Dooce. Looks great!

  • Amanda B.

    2006/03/30 at 7:14 am

    I am hot in the pants for your new hair style.

    That is all.

  • iamchanelle

    2006/03/30 at 6:21 am

    *wipes away tear*

  • Huts

    2006/03/30 at 6:24 am

    They get progressively worse as the post continues! All of this should be banned! Banned I say! Oh, wait, that makes me sound like a close-minded bigotted jerk! Guess they can stay on the shelves.

    Strange indeed!

  • Jessica Bauer

    2006/03/30 at 6:26 am

    The titles may be fakes (and hysterical), but what you say is true. They will let anyone write a children’s book these days. . .

    the original material girl for one.

  • JasonTromm

    2006/03/30 at 6:27 am

    The really scary titles are the ones that are real:

    “Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!”
    “Help! Mom! Hollywood’s In My Hamper!”

  • John

    2006/03/30 at 6:46 am

    I think your hair is beautiful. The mirror gives a slight glimpse of the back, too. Not too many women can pull off the short in the back, longer in the front, but you do it very nicely.

    It’s like a reverse mullet. Business in the back, party up front.

  • Kassi Gilbert

    2006/03/30 at 6:16 am

    My husband and I cracked up over a comediens version of “Everybody Poops”…

    “Nobody Poops But You”. Thanks for the giggle this morning, at least now I know my sense of humor is still intact.

  • Jezzie

    2006/03/30 at 6:12 am

    “Stumphumpers – Explaining Amputation To Your Children”
    by Moxy

    I would hope this is an inside joke, like, you or someone in the family is an amputee?
    I have worked at a limb and brace company for 7 years so if that is the case, more power to you for making light of it, those are the patients who seem to do the best with it…
    please comment again, I am really wondering.

  • rivetergirl

    2006/03/30 at 6:13 am

    At least they are finally writing some children’s books that tell the truth — instead of all that self-esteem building horse pucky.

  • Scott Murdoch

    2006/03/30 at 5:39 am

    These are SO well done! You guys are Photoshop MASTERS!

  • jody2ms

    2006/03/30 at 6:00 am

    That is unreal and hilarious!

    Love the photo sequence of Jon seeing your hair.

    Lauralee, I got those in an email too, and LMAO.

  • Maniacal

    2006/03/30 at 5:14 am

    I had to take a double take for a sec….I like, I Lost My Dad to Syphilis….tee hee

    Oh, and the pics of you and Jon are priceless…..the blurry one just makes it!

  • lauralee

    2006/03/30 at 5:31 am

    a friend sent me this a while back and i laughed so hard i cried. love the pictures!

    Children’s Books That Didn’t Make It:

    1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
    2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
    3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
    4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
    5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
    6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
    7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
    8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
    9. All Cats Go To Hell
    10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
    11. Some Kittens Can Fly
    12. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
    13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
    14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
    15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
    16. The Pop-Up Book Of Human Anatomy
    17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
    18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
    19. You Were an Accident
    20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
    21. Pop! Goes The Hamster …And Other Great Microwave Games
    22. How To Hide Forever
    23. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
    24. How To Hide Forever
    25. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

  • Urs

    2006/03/30 at 5:14 am

    i hope you take this as a compliment- you look like kiara knightly with your new ‘do.

  • jacks

    2006/03/30 at 5:00 am

    Those were hilarious!!

    BTW, I LOVE the hair!!

  • Melanie

    2006/03/30 at 5:13 am

    Nuh uh! No way! I can’t believe these books/games! LOL Too freakin’ funny.

  • Gretchie

    2006/03/30 at 4:56 am

    You almost forgot “The Very Hungry Caterpiller Meets Mothra”

    “In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf. One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and …. pop! out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpiller. He soon became Mothra’s food…”

    Holy shit. I just wrote all that from memory.

  • thleen

    2006/03/30 at 4:59 am

    So…this is what the odd children from my childhood are doing? Writing odd children’s books and probably from a prison cell.
    Amazon is carrying the Underwear book if you want the definitive Coffee Table Book.
    Glory to the Photo Phone!

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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