I found these books in a toy store up the street yesterday and took pictures with Jon’s cameraphone. Then I saw this board game:
And turned it over to find this on the back of the box:
Prev Past participle
Heater, Mother of Lance
Heather B. Armstrong
Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.
ErinMqt
2006/03/30 at 12:12 pmSome other classics from an old email forward (when forwards were still good):
“Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Microwave Games”
and
“Daddy Left Because You’re Bad”
Sonnet Blanton
2006/03/30 at 12:27 pmHeather’s hair = hotness.
tksinclair
2006/03/30 at 12:41 pmYour hair is amazing! It looks just like that model – Sienna Miller (I think?!?!). It’s fresh, youthful and incredibly sexy!
kerri
2006/03/30 at 1:10 pmYeah, me, too! Have to get in on all of this hair complimenting. It’s adorable! And Jon’s t-shirt is awesome. I remember laughing when I saw that t-shirt featured on Preshrunk awhile back.
nicolelise
2006/03/30 at 11:48 amhair is beautiful!
i feel a little sketchy noticing this, but…is that st. ives apricot scrub i see in your shower? is jon exfoliating now?
susan @ yow
2006/03/30 at 11:54 amThose are hysterical! Thanks for the laugh.
Holy Schmidt! - Melanie
2006/03/30 at 11:54 amHoly shit, I needed that! Thank you for keeping me insane.
veg4me
2006/03/30 at 12:05 pmIf a book was written about my neighbors it would be called The Runaway Bunny left home because a Very Hungry Caterpillar crawled into his father’s head and made him demented enough to spend their earnings on strippers at his lunch hour playing Pat the Bunny.
maybe the new hairdo is photoshop trickery as well…
cali
2006/03/30 at 11:04 amhuhuhu.
RzDrms
2006/03/30 at 11:20 amare you blonde again?! last time you went away from blonde, you said it was the last picture we’d ever see of you blonde. i hope you’re blonde again though. you look SO PRETTY that way (but, of course, gorgeous with darker hair too, but the blonde…H-O-T!). 🙂
wealhtheow
2006/03/30 at 11:28 amLOVE the hair! Also, I would dearly love to send some of those books to some of the more neurotic mothers I know, especially I Lost My Dad to Syphilis.
Jason
2006/03/30 at 10:47 amBrilliant! Wish they were real, I’d love to get some and leave them places…like at the doctors office 😛
joy
2006/03/30 at 10:29 amfinally, a book i can use to speak to my child about gender confusion….
m@
2006/03/30 at 10:36 amhmm, i guess ‘You’re Weird’ had its cover changed since I sent it from the publisher — it was supposed to be a book about politics. psh, crazed children’s publishers wastin’ my flavah….
schloobie
2006/03/30 at 9:52 amPreetttty sneaky, sis! (To quote an old Connect Four commercial). Good Photoshopping.
LJH
2006/03/30 at 9:04 amHeather, I just wanted to say I absolutely LOVE your new haircut. You are just one of those women who look good no matter what their hair length!!
Erik
2006/03/30 at 9:34 amwow, i’m an idiot. i sent that to all my friends saying, “i can’t believe this!!!”
they were all like, “erik, it’s photoshopped.”
trevordlb
2006/03/30 at 8:12 amOkay, I rarely every say this, but I feel it’s worthy: OMG!!!
Heather
2006/03/30 at 8:32 amThose are HILARIOUS!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today!!
Cindy
2006/03/30 at 8:39 amMy first thought was “Boy, am I out of the loop of childrens book nowadays…”
My second thought, after the lightbulb went off in my head was, “Boy, I wish I could photoshop like Heather!” 🙂
Thanks for the laughs today (and always)! Happy April Fool’s!
Cindy
Snickrsnack Katie
2006/03/30 at 8:12 amOh my GOD. I totally was sitting here, mouth gaping open, in complete and utter shock as to why I had never found these awesome books! And then I realized. This HAS to be April Fool’s Day two days early. My GOD Heather. You have MAD photoshop skills! Either that, or the bookstores in Salt Lake City are WAY different that the ones in Houston. I figured the only books you could find around there were the Book of Mormon and, well, the Book of Mormon.
Thanks for the laugh!
katiemagic
2006/03/30 at 8:08 amYour hair looks awesome.
The Mighty Jimbo
2006/03/30 at 7:15 amthere could be a spot for you on the daily show.
Zea
2006/03/30 at 7:24 amIs this a good spot to confess I actually bought my 9 y.o. son a copy of “The Day My Butt Went Psycho”?
He, however, is a graduate of Capt. Underpants University. I have a feeling Leta is going to loooove Dav Pilkey (and don’t forget to check out “The Dumb Bunnies”).
Carli
2006/03/30 at 7:40 amI want to order them all and give them as inappropriate gifts to children at their birthday parties. Maybe then I won’t be invited anymore. Soo funny, happy good morning to me!
Teachbroeck
2006/03/30 at 7:49 amI FREAKED OUT! I love the book What Color is Your Underwear! Thought I was buying inappropriate literature. YOU GOT ME!
Strizz
2006/03/30 at 6:47 amLove the new hair. And the blurry neck nuzzle. Dead szexy.
Jennifer
2006/03/30 at 6:49 amGood Lord. That’s freaking hilarious.
eddeaux
2006/03/30 at 6:50 amOh my word. Those were classick.
Heather
2006/03/30 at 6:59 amOkay, I know this off-topic but… has anyone ever told Jon that he bears a striking resemblance to former matchbox twenty guitarist, Adam Gaynor????
Shelli
2006/03/30 at 7:07 amI WANT THEM ALL!!!!!! 🙂
Wicked H
2006/03/30 at 7:07 amLoving the new hair Dooce. Looks great!
Amanda B.
2006/03/30 at 7:14 amI am hot in the pants for your new hair style.
That is all.
iamchanelle
2006/03/30 at 6:21 amah-HAHAHAHAHA!!!
*wipes away tear*
Huts
2006/03/30 at 6:24 amThey get progressively worse as the post continues! All of this should be banned! Banned I say! Oh, wait, that makes me sound like a close-minded bigotted jerk! Guess they can stay on the shelves.
Strange indeed!
Jessica Bauer
2006/03/30 at 6:26 amThe titles may be fakes (and hysterical), but what you say is true. They will let anyone write a children’s book these days. . .
the original material girl for one.
JasonTromm
2006/03/30 at 6:27 amThe really scary titles are the ones that are real:
“Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!”
“Help! Mom! Hollywood’s In My Hamper!”
John
2006/03/30 at 6:46 amI think your hair is beautiful. The mirror gives a slight glimpse of the back, too. Not too many women can pull off the short in the back, longer in the front, but you do it very nicely.
It’s like a reverse mullet. Business in the back, party up front.
Kassi Gilbert
2006/03/30 at 6:16 amMy husband and I cracked up over a comediens version of “Everybody Poops”…
“Nobody Poops But You”. Thanks for the giggle this morning, at least now I know my sense of humor is still intact.
Jezzie
2006/03/30 at 6:12 am“Stumphumpers – Explaining Amputation To Your Children”
by Moxy
uh…..
I would hope this is an inside joke, like, you or someone in the family is an amputee?
I have worked at a limb and brace company for 7 years so if that is the case, more power to you for making light of it, those are the patients who seem to do the best with it…
please comment again, I am really wondering.
Jess
rivetergirl
2006/03/30 at 6:13 amAt least they are finally writing some children’s books that tell the truth — instead of all that self-esteem building horse pucky.
Scott Murdoch
2006/03/30 at 5:39 amThese are SO well done! You guys are Photoshop MASTERS!
jody2ms
2006/03/30 at 6:00 amThat is unreal and hilarious!
Love the photo sequence of Jon seeing your hair.
Lauralee, I got those in an email too, and LMAO.
Maniacal
2006/03/30 at 5:14 amI had to take a double take for a sec….I like, I Lost My Dad to Syphilis….tee hee
Oh, and the pics of you and Jon are priceless…..the blurry one just makes it!
lauralee
2006/03/30 at 5:31 ama friend sent me this a while back and i laughed so hard i cried. love the pictures!
Children’s Books That Didn’t Make It:
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book Of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster …And Other Great Microwave Games
22. How To Hide Forever
23. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
24. How To Hide Forever
25. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Urs
2006/03/30 at 5:14 ami hope you take this as a compliment- you look like kiara knightly with your new ‘do.
jacks
2006/03/30 at 5:00 amThose were hilarious!!
BTW, I LOVE the hair!!
Melanie
2006/03/30 at 5:13 amNuh uh! No way! I can’t believe these books/games! LOL Too freakin’ funny.
Gretchie
2006/03/30 at 4:56 amYou almost forgot “The Very Hungry Caterpiller Meets Mothra”
“In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf. One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and …. pop! out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpiller. He soon became Mothra’s food…”
Holy shit. I just wrote all that from memory.
thleen
2006/03/30 at 4:59 amSo…this is what the odd children from my childhood are doing? Writing odd children’s books and probably from a prison cell.
Amazon is carrying the Underwear book if you want the definitive Coffee Table Book.
Glory to the Photo Phone!