Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

They’re letting anyone write a children’s book these days

  • OMG! What the? I don’t understand what the publishing companies were thinking?!

    I lost my Dad to syphilis? Your really my daughter, son? That’s just sick! There are so many people out there with great ideas and these people get their books published???????

  • Libby

    My son received “What Colour is your Underwear” as a gift, and I can promise you that it is not even remotely pornographic. (It is, however, a pop-up book, which has barely survived my son’s sticky fingers and overy enthusiasm.)

  • Oh, the joys of Photoshop!

    We have a nickname is my circle of friends for people who are uncannily talented with the program: Adobic Photoshopper.

    I think you might qualify. 🙂

    Keep up the antics…

    And I wonder what we’ll learn next about “Armstrong Media”…

  • These books can’t be serious? Those are some really weird titles.

  • Heather, you are a tad bit early for April Fools….But this was funny as hell

  • Angela

    I wish I actually had those books, they would be great coffee table books for cocktail parties with all the other parent friends. We would pee our drunken selves!
    On another point; I too was wondering about the “ARMSTRONG MEDIA, LLC”. Is this what the lawyer was about or are you still not able to “comment”?

    Thanks for the laughs Heather,
    Angela

  • I need that last one for my library. Maybe it would give the teens something to do besides make babies in the bathroom stalls.

    And I’m only half kidding.

  • Hoo boy, did I need a laugh.

    Congrats on the LLC. WRITE IT OFF, BABY!

  • At last – evidence that God isn’t sleeping on the job.

  • Kate

    Hah! You funnay.

  • jes

    I totally think you’re lying. Please purchase copies and send them to me.

  • Awesome. They remind me of that old SNL sketch about the new line of Hallmark cards for every occasion/sentiment.

    My favorite: “I’m Sorry Your Daughter’s A Lesbian”

  • Chickie

    “I Lost My Dad To Syphilis” really helped me get through a trying time.

  • angrykeyboarder

    These are the funniest damm things I’ve seen in a while.

    Where on earth (in Salt Lake I’m assuming) did you come across them? 🙂

  • haha…those are funny!

  • LOL!!

    And hate mailers pick on YOU?

    Okay, so which one did you buy??

  • mayberry_blonde

    awesome

  • Nooooo. not fair. IT IS NOT APRIL FIRST YET!

  • Awesome. They remind me of that old SNL sketch about the new line Hallmark cards for every occasion/sentiment.

    My favorite: “I’m Sorry Your Daughter’s A Lesbian”

  • Jesus only morons hit post twice.

  • Someone really should write that syphilis book. Gotta be a market for it somewhere…

    Hey, didn’t it used to say “copyright 2001-2006 Heather Armstrong” in your footer?

    “Armstrong Media, LLC”? Is this what the lawyer was about? Did you already tell this story and I missed it?

  • JC

    nicely done.

  • And in the dictionary next to gullible you’ll find a picture of me.

  • Hannah B.

    And in the dictionary next to gullible you’ll find a picture of me. I was thinking, “WTF?!” Thank goodness for comments.

  • I have the prequel to “I lost my Dad…” it’s called “I Lost My Mom to Strip Club Where She Found Herpes.”

  • I have the prequel to “I lost my Dad…” it’s called “I Lost My Mom to Strip Club Where She Found Herpes.”

  • Brilliant! I love it. Although I do agree with the previous comment that some real titles are just as bad.

  • laurabecker

    oh, you had me fooled too – and laughing in horror and glee. awesome.

  • ohhh those sound like some fun reads… I bet my eight month old would love them! lol

  • Ha! Heather! Jon! Thanks again for another laugh. Now that is Exactly what I’ve always wanted to see in a kids’ book – a bit of reality. How about another one…

    All Dogs Go to Heaven…Fido Just Took the Bus
    Or … One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Dead Fish
    That’s NOT a Wocket in Uncle Charlie’s Pocket
    Oh, the Places You’ll Go! (As Soon as Mommy finishes her 13th Manhattan)
    Green Eggs and Ham (Come From Sick Cows and Chickens)

  • The sad thing is that some of the real titles are just as bad.

  • Moxie

    I’ll have you know I am proud to have authored the 5th book. I feel it is my devine duty to shatter the illusions of parents-to-be. My new parenting book will be out soon: Stumphumpers – Explaining Amputation To Your Children

  • Too, too funny. People are staring at me now.

  • Jeni

    Ha! Nice work!

    Here is a real book that I found in Salem, MA at a wiccan store (that only played smooth jazz from the station MAGIC 101 – kid you not):

    _The Right Touch: A Read Aloud Story to Prevent Sexual Abuse by Jody Bergsma_

    This is a picture book for kids about sexual abuse with WEIRD elf-like drawings and completely inappropriate examples (e.g., The mother in the book is trying to explain to her son how sometimes there are bad touches that aren’t sexual and uses this example, (paraphrased) “You know how sometimes when you’re on the play ground and kids ask you to close your eyes and open your mouth and then they put a big worm in it?. . .“) AND THAT IS THE NON-SEXUAL TOUCH.

    The innuendo is pretty incredible through out the book, for example the mother also says “you know how you like it when I nibble on your ear at bedtime . . . “ trying to explain a good, loving touch from an adult.

    Obviously, child sexual abuse is terrible, but this book just confounds me.

  • Dear God. Those can’t be real. But the pictures look so real. Are they real? Too freaking funny. I saw a fake one once titled, “You’re the reason Daddy drinks.” LOL!

  • I don’t beileve you…those are crazy!!! It made me laugh though which is great since I am sick right now!!

    I love reading your blog I wish i could do as well as you. I have been trying to work from home sice my first child was born now she is 4.

  • Maiken

    What??!! Oh, no was this an early April Fools gag? I fell hook, line, and sinker! Thanks for the laughs, Heather.

  • Okay I took a closer look. I’m a tool. Photoshop City.