An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Hi, I read

One of the only redeeming parts about air travel these days — other than the ubiquitous barf bag, the lovable bag that says it’s okay to be lazy, that in fact we encourage you to be lazy and instead of politely excusing yourself to go throw up in the bathroom you can just sit there on your fat ass and toss up in this convenient puke receptacle while everyone watches — is the free copy of Sky Mall Magazine you get in the seat pocket.

For those of you who don’t know what Sky Mall is just imagine my pot-bellied neighbor up the street who wears flannel shirts with the arms cut off, how he’s constantly trying to come up with inventions to make his life easier, like what would it take to build an alarm clock that not only wakes you up in the morning but can also simultaneously pour ketchup on a hot dog? How have I survived without this technology? HOW MUCH BETTER WOULD LIFE BE? Sky Mall is a catalog of that man’s ideas.

We’ve got several copies of Sky Mall lying around the house, copies I brought back from recent trips because they’re always good for at least a few minutes of toddler distraction. Yesterday I caught Leta reading the Early Spring 2006 Issue to herself, the one featuring The Portable Pet Staircase, The Remote Control Golf Ball, and my personal favorite, The Personal Alcohol Breath-Screening Device for those moments when your slurred speech and flammable breath aren’t enough of an indication that you shouldn’t be operating machinery.

You’re not going to be able to make out anything she is saying unless you speak Cyborg, but do pay attention because at the end of the video she engages in an activity — and a subsequent look of, “You did not just hear me engage in that activity” — that will make my side of the family very proud (and Jon’s side of the family very mortified).

Leta reads Sky Mall (Flash movie)
Leta reads Sky Mall (Quicktime movie)

  • doow


  • Even though that noise didn’t come from me, I shall proceed to cover my face with this here Sky Mall catalog…oh look, a magnetic key holder shaped like a boulder!

  • Absolutely excellent! I especially like the “Hi!” part, and the way that tootle reverberates off the wooden floor. Now you just have to train Leta to shout, “Daaadddd!” in disgusted tones after she farts. In our house we always blame somebody else.

  • The Lizzy

    Christmas card, mon oh mon oh mon oh mon *TOOT*

    Best post ever.

  • OMG. That was SO excellent.

    But my favorite part is the frog feet. And how her mag is bigger than she is.

    But do they have Pink Shoes, that SkyMall?

  • Skymall is the first thing I read when I get to my seat on any flight. The guy wearing a business suit and the EvacU8 hood? Always funny.

    That catalogue is indeed the best evidence of how lazy we are — alarm clocks that project the time onto the ceiling (no more pesky rolling over or turning your head to the side!); seat cushions that eject you upward when you wish to return to a standing position (are your quads tired from lifting your ass up off of chairs all the time?); and Caller ID that speaks (why reach a foot to the coffee table where the cordless phone is sitting?).

    God Bless America.

  • Sheer genius! She knows HOW to read, even if she has her own language, and she already knows how to pretend that fart didn’t come from her.

    She’ll be quoting Shakespeare while simultaneously playing “pull my finger” in no time!

    Single, with no kids, but LOVE the site. And NEED the shoes.

  • jaime

    If it’s wrong to be 28 years old and to laugh to the point of crying at a farting child, well, I don’t want to be right!

  • Oooo Dooce T-shirts…perfect for your side banners! Go with Cafe Press and offer Masthead T-shirts, mugs, etc. Cool shirts and free advertising for the blog, all in one. Not that I don’t tell enough people about this blog every chance I get 🙂

  • LOL I love the way she covered up her face after her phttt. Doncha just love the way farts sound on hard wood floors? LOL

  • melissa

    It’s only a matter of time now..before she says “it wasn’t me”.

  • Mack’sMom

    You need to run an ad for Goat Feed!

  • As my grandfather used to say when he also did not engage in that activity, “Did you hear that rattlesnake holler?”

  • My daughter is SURE she said “Grandma” in there somewhere. 🙂 Leta only gets more adorable with time! Thank you for sharing her with us!

  • Mack’sMom

    LOVE the masterhead! I was wondering if you’d really do it, and I’m so glad you did! We need you to make shirts!!!!

    Have you emailed your masterhead to the person that wrote you the nasty email?

  • I like the movement around the magazine. Why sit and move the magazine to accommodate you when you can simply move your cute little toddler self around the magazine.

  • Never mind the farting noises, this geeked out educator is doing back flips at the utterly amazing early literacy behavior she’s demonstrating!!!! Seriously though, that she recognizes those little bits about books/magazines, that they have words that are read, and you turn the pages, and you hold it a certain way. Awesome.

    Plus, bodily functions are a laugh-riot. That’s a prom night video for sure.

  • momma 2 angels

    Fiercly cute. My daughter is going to love that. She looks pretty cozy with books- are you reading books to that poor child? No toddler blogs? Now teach her that lying in an un-made bed is the proper way with catalogs.

  • MissusB

    And she wasn’t even at the gym!

  • What a good reader!

    And what a treat at the end!

  • Melanie

    I dunno, right around 36 seconds I distinctly (okay, semi-) heard “Dalai Lama.” Leta shares her mama’s attitude toward shopping. No fool, that child.

  • Velma

    I obviously spent the day trapped at home with my 3 year old, because I swear I could understand almost everything she said. Then, because I’m so mature, I started giggling at the earnest way the poster above refers to you as “Mrs. Armstrong.” (I’ll take “politely respectful” over “evil troll” anyday!)

    Love the new masthead, except the flowers are so small I thought maybe they were actually fluffy orange goat balls.

  • Mack’sMom

    Sky Mall!?! You don’t like Sky Mall!?! All the things in life that you couldn’t possibly ever need, priced beyond the coach passenger’s financial means! What more is there to ask for!?!

    Isn’t it amazing how children can talk in their own language and expect that you totally get it!?! Leta’s alien-like dialogue resembles that of my daughter too…maybe we could get them together and see if they understand each other!

  • ksted

    At least she didn’t turn and blame it on Chuck.

  • Urs

    by the way, your masthead says April

  • Uninhibited farting!!!

    The world would be a better place if we could all just be honest about flatulence.

    Leta for President!

  • a. mazing.

    and oh, skymall magazine, how i love you.

  • My 7 month old farted so loud the other day he scared himself and started crying. Great video! Love the masthead 🙂

  • Jenna

    Hahaha! Priceless. What a little stinker!

  • Hi, yes, Leta, so cute, even when farting, but I JUST READ THE SHOE POST.

    Oh my God, I WANT YOUR SHOES.

  • Dude. Farts are ALWAYS funny. Go Leta!

  • Watching it Annabel asked me … What was that noise?
    like she didn’t know. Great post.

  • Totally unphased! She is truly her mother’s daughter.

  • That is just incredibly cool. I love the story that she’s telling — a little mysterious, but clearly very involved. Clearly a brilliant kid. (And that look she gives you is priceless.)

  • hilly

    Leta is soooo adorable!!! Just like the Japanese kids here. Kawaii~

    cheers on the shoe purchase too!

  • So cute! Farts and all. 🙂

  • jt

    I love the way she’s glancing at you while reading like “What’s your deal? Why are you looking at me?”

    The toes are so cute.

  • :::BINARY:::

    SURE…blame it on the baby.

  • Anu

    If Leta were my kid she would be missing all her toes by now 🙂 Gosh!!! she is so cute. I must have replayed that video a million times at least.

  • ritsgirl

    Ok. Everyone knows that you can’t fart while sitting flat on your ass. And, if I’m not mistaken, that baby’s butt was planted firmly on the ground. Shame. On. You. Blaming a sweet innocent baby. All she wanted to do was READ!!!!

  • Amy P

    AACCKKK!!! The cuteness! Can’t stand it…
    I swear that child is so frickin’ adorable; how can you be in the same house with her everyday?

  • dotsara

    Every word, clear as a bell. I love how non-chalant she is at the end when you crack up. “Oh, Mom.”

  • Kit

    Um… Leta really is just the cutest child ever!

  • so i am not the only one who heard “christmas club and tiger woods”?

    too cute.

  • Bijou

    Don’t lie. It was you.

  • Such cuteness it’s almost criminal.

    What did Leta pick out from the SkyMall? Automatically replenishing water bowl for Chuck? A garden gnome? A tempurpedic mattress?

  • narsilia

    Is it just me, or did I hear her say “This is called good daddy momma”? That’s almost better than the FartGlanceTM!

  • Maiken

    I am impressed that she uses her finger to follow along with the words. When I worked with kids who struggled with reading this is a technique we used. Amazing how kids pick up on the little things.

  • hlv

    Thanks so much for sharing your precious little (farting) creature with us. I needed to laugh until my stomach hurt today.

    My precious baby is locked in her room and has declared: She’s not going to prom ; she’s never speaking to some (unnamed) people again ; and she’s never coming out.

    (My husband and I are seriously rooting for the last one)

  • slogal

    Oh my gosh – SO….DANG….CUTE! I love her toes, the way they’re moving and curling and uncurling. My kids do that too, almost involuntarily and I love watching them do it. Silly, I know, but so cute.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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