An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Hi, I read

One of the only redeeming parts about air travel these days — other than the ubiquitous barf bag, the lovable bag that says it’s okay to be lazy, that in fact we encourage you to be lazy and instead of politely excusing yourself to go throw up in the bathroom you can just sit there on your fat ass and toss up in this convenient puke receptacle while everyone watches — is the free copy of Sky Mall Magazine you get in the seat pocket.

For those of you who don’t know what Sky Mall is just imagine my pot-bellied neighbor up the street who wears flannel shirts with the arms cut off, how he’s constantly trying to come up with inventions to make his life easier, like what would it take to build an alarm clock that not only wakes you up in the morning but can also simultaneously pour ketchup on a hot dog? How have I survived without this technology? HOW MUCH BETTER WOULD LIFE BE? Sky Mall is a catalog of that man’s ideas.

We’ve got several copies of Sky Mall lying around the house, copies I brought back from recent trips because they’re always good for at least a few minutes of toddler distraction. Yesterday I caught Leta reading the Early Spring 2006 Issue to herself, the one featuring The Portable Pet Staircase, The Remote Control Golf Ball, and my personal favorite, The Personal Alcohol Breath-Screening Device for those moments when your slurred speech and flammable breath aren’t enough of an indication that you shouldn’t be operating machinery.

You’re not going to be able to make out anything she is saying unless you speak Cyborg, but do pay attention because at the end of the video she engages in an activity — and a subsequent look of, “You did not just hear me engage in that activity” — that will make my side of the family very proud (and Jon’s side of the family very mortified).

Leta reads Sky Mall (Flash movie)
Leta reads Sky Mall (Quicktime movie)

  • JennJenn

    I am such an ass.

    I just realized that the magazine is upsidedown.


    And adorable as well. 🙂


  • My favorite product in that catalog is the one that resembles a white couch. Floating in a pool. Who thought it would be a good idea to make a floating couch? I kept turning the page, hoping to find a floating TV.

  • sistieugler

    that was a charming (and honest-to-god-adorable) reading of Sky Mall Magazine (lovelovelove your spot on description, too. i always wondered who comes up with those crappy “inventions”. glad to know it’s the guy down your street.)

    oh, and enjoy those precious little toddler “toots” while ya can… trust me, farts aren’t *nearly* as cute and/or hilarious when your kid’s 22 (i’m just sayin’…)

  • aww…she is so cute! and the ending to the video was priceless.

  • You go girl!
    This is absolutely priceless 😉

  • heeheehee. that look is priceless 🙂


  • amyn

    My 3yo, Riley, has that same shirt! She was watching the video with me, and she made sure to tell me right away that “that girl” had the same shirt that she does! She laughed hysterically at the end of the video. We had to watch it over and over again! Leta has all sorts of friends that she’s never met. Too cute! Heather, the video is priceless… keep them coming!

  • She is so intense — if you didn’t hear the audio, you would think she was really reading.

    As for Sky Mall: It should be called Useless Crap that Only Really Rich People Can Afford to Waste Money On.

  • Dan

    I haven’t seen something that made me want a kid this bad since the movie “Curly Sue.” And even then I didn’t really like her hair.

  • OMG! Anyone else catch her continuously curling her toes? Too cute. I love baby toes.

  • I love how she looked up at glanced at you before letting one rip. And then she went on talking about condiments, I think. She is seriously the coolest kid ever.

  • Annie

    I love it!! Excellent. My husband and I watched this video over and over last night. Your daughter is adorable. Thank you for sharing.

  • I don’t know what’s funnier: the fact that she has an air explosion and continues as if nothing has happened, or the surprised laugh of you as you tape the air explosion. That is too cute!

  • riot_siren

    Those fine motor skills! The burgeoning intellect! The sheer beauty! I think my ovaries are overruling the Ortho as we speak…

  • Very cute. I could be wrong but I think she said Hi to a doggy and picked stuff out for you and Jon. And then belched. heh

  • Amber

    I think that may be the cutest thing I have ever seen. Thanks for sharing it!

    My 6-year-old can belch like a grown man. She let one out in an IHOP once and everyone in the place stopped what they were doing to stare, it was that loud. And she loves to say that she stepped on a frog whenever she farts. I couldn’t be prouder.

  • I was expecting her to lick her finger and turn the pages, but I guess when the magazine’s about half the size of your body, you don’t need to do that.

  • pyxi

    Didn’t know you if you read this already…but i think it might interest you…

  • Oh jeeeze! I love it! I can’t decide what is better, Leta pretending nothing happened and that you guys aren’t laughing or you being able to control your laughter from becoming laughing your ass off outloud!

  • Martha

    This may be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. You’re gonna have an avid little reader on your hands in before you know it.

    By the way, I love your blog–which I know you hear all the time, so I’m not really special. But you did inspire me to start my own blog, and I love it… so for that, I thank you!

  • First time commenting, although I’ve read for awhile. Have to comment on the barf bags. As someone with ridiculous motion sickness, they really do come in handy when you’re in a middle seat, the plane is practically doing cartwheels as you go in for the landing and you’re not allowed to leave your seat. The worst part is after you’ve finished horking into the bag and embarrassed yourself completely, you have to find a place to PUT the bag. Oh, and to make sure it doesn’t spill.Good times, good times… 🙂

  • What a doll… just ignores it and keeps on reading!! The movies of her always make me smile!!

  • OH my god….that was soooo funny. I have been having a really crappy couple of days and this totally made me laugh. Thanks for sharing your beautiful little creature. 🙂

  • Cutest and funniest video I’ve ever seen, ever.

  • lizneust

    Couldn’t agree more that catalogues are terrific toddler entertainment. My 2 yr old daughter not only tells you what everything is, she also assigns them to people she likes. Her favorite one right now is a gardening catalog, and the roses are hers, the irises are mine, the ferns are daddy’s and the dog gets azaleas. Makes sense, no?

    Also, she actually doesn’t get farting yet. She’ll do it and look very surprised and ask “whas dat?” How do you answer that kind of question?

  • I think I will make that sound my new ring tone.

    I love these video posts Heather. Keep them coming.

  • Dude, the truth is out about your husband being a Fury. Those rabbit ears (see photo of the day)speak volums about what life in California will do to a man.

  • Damn. That was most impressive. I’m in awe of the percussion- especially since it had to travel through a diaper.

    She’s is going to be sooooo pissed at you when she’s 16. Awesome.

  • Shanni O

    I forgot just how heart tugging that little “baby babble” is. I agree w/many others that you have a beginning reader on your hands. Good for all of you. It makes school so much easier for them.

    Also LOVE that you used the “goat balls” in the mast head as promised :>) You’ve goota hope the person is just livid about that :>) !!!

    BTW, after reading another comment, where did all the adds go?

  • That’s priceless and too cute.

  • Meg

    I love the curled toes! Too cute!

  • Grace Kong

    Leta is the cutest little girl!
    I love the baby feet, especially how they wiggle and cross toward each other after she raises the magazine – Who me? Um, I didn’t hear anything…

    Get the commode ready. Leta has the sitting and reading pose down pat. Such skills.

    Sooo adorable, sweet reading skills too.

    Thanks for sharing your little girl with us.
    Jon, love the kitty ears.

  • Susie

    Cutest. Video. EVER.

  • brandy

    OH yeah and John is looking good with those kitty ears.


  • heather, leta is absolutely adorable and hilarious. and an alarm clock that wakes you up and ketchups your hotdog is a brilliant invention.

    the funniest thing of all is that the ad banner on the right was displaying an ad for “infant gas drops.” i nearly died laughing.

  • oh lordy! I want to bite her toes regardless of her tooting…

  • Msyvone

    Leta’s a Russian President, just like my daughter when I hear her not engaging in certain activities.

    Thanks for sharing!

  • brandy

    I totally heard
    “condiment” and “this one I want” and “this kind”
    How is it that she hasn’t learned to blame all smells on Chuck?

    Every time I see Leta I go home and talk about clocks ticking. Damn you Heather, damn you!

  • Melanieflorida

    Leta’s toes curl in every direction. Good enough to gobble up.

  • I was waiting, and waiting for said “activity” and when it finally came, it was too funny! I love how she’s really mimicking what it looks like to read a book or a magazine. Too cute.

  • When I read the post, I thought she might have stuck her finger up her nose or something equally, deliciously naughty. Then I watched the clip, and it was EVEN BETTER. 😀

  • Awesome clip! My 2 1/2 year old son is sitting here with me and has me playing the video “again again!” “Leta booped – AGAIN!”

    Now I get to spend my morning listening to Leta fart, over and over again. 😉

  • she could not be more adorable.

  • Hmmmm… I’m wondering if you could tell me where I could get one of those for myself. Adorable.

  • bexcetera

    I love the way the magazine reaches almost to her toes when it’s on her lap. Too cute!

  • She has a perfect French accent, and turns her pages so well.

  • lizz

    Depression is swamping me at the moment, and I haven’t laughed for days, but this entry had me laughing so hard I cried. Thank you Heather – and Leta too 😉

  • JDB

    I think she said “Christmas is coming” several times and then “Money, money, money.”

  • Magellan

    Watch out for those squeaky floorboards, Leta. You’re sitting right on one!

    I once heard a story about a horse that passed gas so loudly and with such explosive force that the girl who was leading him fainted dead away.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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