An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Litmus test

A few weeks ago I posted a photo of Chuck sitting by the side of our house in the snow. Never before has something on this website caused such concern, and since then I have received hundreds of email demanding that I turn his collar right-side-up and then post a picture of it so that the balance of the Universe could be restored. One person even sent me an email day after day to check up on my progress, had I corrected it yet? Is it fixed now? How about now? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIX IT NOW BECAUSE MY RIGHT EYE WON’T STOP TWITCHING.

Others were concerned that the other dogs in the neighborhood would scorn Chuck, would make fun of him for wearing his collar upside down because that is the canine equivalent of wearing white tube socks rolled into doughnuts around your ankles. If Chuck wore his collar around his butt the other dogs in the neighborhood might notice it, but they don’t even notice that Chuck has a head, it’s so far away from the focus of their research.

Turns out you are all as OCD as I am, but I know my meds are working because I can look at this without feeling the uncontrollable urge to scratch imaginary sores:


Despite the upside down collar Chuck remains a functioning pet and this morning proved such by trying to eat the sprinklers:

He even tried to tackle the sprinkler head located directly beneath the car:

Promptly afterward I turned his collar so that it was facing the right direction. OR MAYBE? MAYBE I LEFT IT JUST LIKE THAT.

  • It’s just like wearing your hat backwards or slightly askew to the left or right. Don’t worry if your dog is part of some new, hip street culture. All kids go through that phase. My hat is, in fact, slightly askew to the right as I type this. At work. Shows you, snarky adults from my childhood, baggy pants and odd hat angles and I still have a job in middle management. My skill shows through my urban-ness.

  • thleen

    Hey Heather…
    My dog says “Power to the collar!” I agree, it’s very Atari looking. Leave it…it’s cool.

  • guinnevere

    oh HELL. it wasnt bothering me (in so far as i HADNT EVEN NOTICED) until you pointed it out.

    and heather- why are you watering the underside of your car?

  • Weird that I never noticed it in the original photo, but now that you’ve mentioned it….*starts twitching* 🙂 I’m just trying hard to convince myself that the images on his collar are downward pointing arrows. Or little screwy images of scrambled eggs or something. Yeeaahh.

  • I don’t know if someone else already said this (183 comments? who has time?) but…I thought they were space invaders. I had no idea it was upside down.

  • Forget the dawg.
    Forget the collar.
    Forget the hilarious shots of him trying to eat sprinklers.
    You grow lilacs.
    In that stunning colour?


  • elise

    hahaha!!! chuck is the funniest dog ever!

  • areyoustrange

    I wonder how many people had the irresistable urge to go drink a large glass of water after seeing Chuck try to eat the sprinkler. Maybe it was just me. Yeah, that’s probably it.

  • people are whack sometimes.

  • Flubberwinkle

    Since I don’t have a dog or a dog collar to turn upside down, I am wearing my underwear inside out to demonstrate my solidarity to Chuck.

  • Charlie

    If everyone gave Dooce a dollar
    To note the state of Chuck’s collar,
    She could bribe a whole town
    To pronounce that word “crayon”
    Just like those hicks back in the holler.

  • But what we really want to know is – is it pronounced C-oo-ler, C-aw-ler, or C-L-R?

  • the way the page loaded, i looked at the photos backwards. i had seen where you typed in “gird your loins” at the top photo, but then saw the last photo first. for a split second i seriously thought that chuck had been squashed under the car, my stomach did a flip flop. then i realized, this musn’t be right at ALL and quickly scrolled to the top of the page. DUDE, upside down collar, NO WORRIES, just relieved that chuck wasn’t stuck/squashed under the car!

  • Cuter than my dog, whose only trick other than repeating every treat inducing move when given one command is getting beaten up by a cat more than half his size.

    And since I missed my chance, I didn’t even know it was physically possible to pronounce crayon “crown” until that audio clip.
    (Then again, I’m a Canadian, so there’s no need to take my English seriously as I only use it to say the words “The Leafs suck”, and “Let’s go to Tim Hortons”. Eh.)

  • People are really concerned about his collar enough to sit down and send you e-mails about it? I hope you relish in the fact that you have better things to do with your time.

  • Actually, when Chuck has his head down trying to eat the sprinklers, the collar looks right side up.

  • amber

    why is there a sprinkler head under your automobile? are you parked in the grass or is your car using the bidet?

  • TxSuzyQ

    You should just invite those bitchy people over to chew on your sprinkler heads for a while. That would be tons more entertaining!

  • jill

    i LOVE that you remember socks rolled into donuts! who didn’t do that? i might do it tomorrow…must find my keds…

  • I’m scanning the entire contents of my brain, but I am finding nothing that suggests it was reasonable to know his collar is upside-down. In fact, I don’t even know what those little pictures would be of the other way around. Houses? Houses with no doors and a single, barbell-shaped window? A tiny alien? A hat? What?

  • Ravin’PictureMaven

    You know…maybe it’s like a claddagh. There is no upside down. Chuck is simply advertising his availability, or lack thereof. Let’s see…the house (representing a dog’s home, or pack) is facing inward, meaning he is unavailable. Therefore, the collar is clearly the right direction.

    No, I never think too much.

    Not at all.

  • Dooce – I just love your humor and I think I love you!

  • alh

    Our miniature pinscher Tiny totally attacks the sprinklers! It’s the best!

  • kawaface

    sadly, i tied a bandana on my dog. it’s a little mini one, and i didn’t intend to leave it on, but it’s so fucking cute i can’t take it off.

    my roommate told me the other dogs have started to wisper about my poor little gay boy behind his nicely trimmed ass.:\

    …it just took me a while of looking at that collar to figure out those things are little dog houses…i am retarded. i saw it at old navy the other day, though, and knew i knew it from *somewhere* but where?! now i know!-that last sentence is more proof i am retarded.

    the end.

  • After my Lab and I adored Chuck for awhile, we noticed that your rug isn’t aligned with your floorboards, Heather. And it’s making me break out INTO HIVES! FIX IT!

  • Beth

    I will just tell myeself his collar is simply a row of very short, very stubby tuning forks, and the hyperventilating will stop.

  • Fanfuckingtastic….

    I had never noticed it was upside-down…are people THIS bored???

    I say leave it…as long as you learn out to say crayon, with two syllables, who cares which way the collar is?

  • momma 2 angels

    But it’s his collar and it looks fine if you are looking down your snout at it. He has an extra, extra cute nose. It looks quite moist.

  • ok, i clearly need to go on the meds you’re on. proof is as follows:

    1. i noticed chuck’s upside down collar (but didn’t feel the need to alert you to this fact).
    2. i feel the need to put on my dog’s collar in the same direction every morning (as he sleeps without it at night).
    2a. my dog’s collar has vertical stripes, nothing else.

    oh help me.

  • Pamalamadingdong

    Which begs the question, why is there a sprinkler head located under your car?

    (ps does it make me poor white trash that there is a watering can under mine?)

  • FlakeyBlakee

    That’s funny cuz on 3-31-05 titled “Skittlebear Bunkins Boo” its upside down too.. Anyone complain then?

  • FlakeyBlakee

    That’s funny cuz on 3-31-06 titled “Skittlebear Bunkins Boo” its upside down too.. Anyone complain then?

  • I think he likes it that way. If you turned it, he’d probably freak out.

    By the way, the color is hideous. You should change it to a nice maroon or something. 🙂

  • Jennifer Clare

    Thanks for making me laugh first thing in the morning, this is hilarious! 🙂

  • Nee

    Who decided that’s upside down? It looks like faces with pointy ears. Like, um, DOG FACES. =|:> There it is! Rock on, Chuck, and my dog who is looking over my shoulder from my bed behind me wants to sniff your butt. I don’t know what’s up with that but I’m grateful there’s no smell-o-vision online.

  • Y

    Who are these people who have time to care that deeply about such things?

    I think they need to take up Aerobic Dancing so they can spend their time practicing awesome moves instead of emailing strangers on the internet about dog collars.

  • You have a sprinkler head, in your driveway, in the middle of concrete, under where cars are parked? Wow, that’s some serious dedication to watering.

    I think that collar’s ugly, upside down or no. That’s of more concern really. But hey, live and let live I say.

    uh oh. I’m in for it now.

  • Evidently my medication is working as well, b/c that shit totally doesn’t bother me. I didn’t even notice it on the first picture way back when.

    It’s nice to know that the world is full of others like me. So I’m not alone you know.

  • When you look down at Chuck while his nose is in your crotch, the little houses on his collar will be correctly oriented. Therefore, the collar itself is correctly oriented.

  • manei

    Oh no, the HORROR! 🙁 Pretty soon Chuck is going to start thinking he is a cat. All because of this damn collar. 🙁

  • Magellan

    I thought it was arrows pointing in the direction of his butt. What’s wrong with that?

  • hah, I also thought they were bum arrows… great minds think dirty.

  • Aaah I want a chuck and a leta! Trying to convince the boyfriend and the landlord…

    Also, is it inside out? I don’t actually get this post (my blog is full of blonde moments…)


  • tk

    Just because Chuck likes to be a little different… who knew that such controversy would be caused. Too bad his hair is not long enough that you could spike it into a Mohawk all the way down his back.

    The sprinkler thing is too hilarious. My brother’s dog would totally try and eat the sprinklers too. Or in the summer I’d hose him down in the backyard when I was filling his pool (he’s a lab, he has his own kiddie pool) he’d bite at the stream of water coming from the nozzle or just chew on the nozzle itself. Hours and Hours of entertainment!!!!!

  • The collar does not make the dog.

    Pay no attention to my dog.. the one with the diamonelle studs and flashing lights I got from the shopping channel.

  • Ya know…I never noticed the upside down thing and was actually dissapointed when I realized that it was little dog houses on his collar instead of little Space Invader guys.

  • I didn’t even notice it was wrong. I just assumed that those were yellow arrows pointing down to his dog bod. And it totally looks like Chuck works out.

  • And all this time I thought it was a fashion statement.

  • Wow, um, people actually wrote you emails about that? That reminds me of the time my in-laws got a letter from the busybody old lady up the street, telling them that their house needed some sprucing up, along with a detailed list of ways to improve their yard.

  • um…. maybe he LIKES it that way?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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