Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Beneficiaries

Jon and I have been doing some financial planning lately, and recently when we were applying for life insurance and being asked all sorts of probing questions about our medical history, we couldn’t stop laughing at the total absurdity of the timing:

Q. When was the last time you saw your doctor?
A. Ummmm, yesterday.

Q. Why?
A. Skin cancer. Possible West Nile Virus.

Q. Do you take any medications?
A. How high can you count?

They were the same questions we answered when we applied for health insurance, the same answers that made us ineligible. A week later a crazed, insensitive woman from the insurance company dropped by the house to draw blood and collect urine samples to add to our application. She was in such a hurry that when she jabbed our arms with the needle it came out the other side.

A few hours later I developed a bladder infection, which means that the urine sample she collected from me is probably throwing up red flags in terms of my kidneys. I imagine these people reviewing my application going, “Has cancer. Is about to lose a kidney. Not sure that DENIED is a strong enough sentiment in this case.”

While the insurance rep was still in our dining room filling out forms and asking more questions, I attempted to chill her icy demeanor by asking if she’d written down a reference to Jon’s prescription for Viagra. I tried this once before during our first meeting with the doctors who were conducting the vaccination study, but Jon’s response this time was to sigh heavily, roll his eyes just a bit and explain, “Heather only wants me to have a prescription for Viagra because that is her death wish.”

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