the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Having dated walking red flags

My friend, Maggie, recently had a book published. It’s called No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog, and it’s filled with suggestions (oddly, 100 of them) of things you could write a blog post about. I thought that a good way to celebrate her success with this publication would be the practical application of one of her ideas. So after reading the book — a quick 122 pages that read exactly how Maggie speaks in person, as charmingly as humorously as if describing something unpleasant (maybe bone spurs, or four-hour erections?) as judiciously as possible to the President of the United States — I went back and picked a suggestion that I hadn’t ever used before. Today’s blog post is written in response to Maggie’s Idea Number 32: Break It Off.

“What are your relationship deal breakers? Some folks are annoyed if a date shows up ten minutes late. Others look for something weightier, like a felony record. Have you ever rejected someone over something that seems insignificant to your friends? Or do you have selective blindness for red flags?”

Only because this suddenly made me remember a certain guy who said to me on our second date, “You mean, you like elephants, too? I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL DESTINY!”

I don’t even remember his name, not a single letter of it, but I remember telling him upfront that I did not want any part of a long-term relationship. His response was along the lines of, but I already called my mother in New Jersey! And she’s knitting you a sweater! I went on a third date because he was a nice a guy, and I didn’t think it was fair to tell him that I didn’t want to marry him over the phone, although looking back now that is exactly what I should have done because he was so upset he wrapped his arms around my neck like a giant spider that wanted to eat my face off. For those of you who don’t know, that is not the most successful way to say to a woman, hey, wait, aren’t you being a little hasty?

I also dated a guy who said he couldn’t bring himself to sleep with women who had big butts. I didn’t take that stipulation very seriously because an ass is not a physical characteristic that I will ever possess, much like boobs or manageable hair. It wasn’t until I realized that his aversion to butts was just Chapter One in his memoir The Innumerable Ways I am Out of My Fucking Mind, and by Chapter Four: I Cannot Bring Myself to Sleep With Women Who Have Vaginas, I knew that I had stumbled into the wrong section of the library, if you know what I’m saying.

There was the guy who was perfect in many ways, loved the right music, voted for the right person, said the most wonderful things when I most needed to hear them, and (and!) he was an amazing kisser. It was just all the stuff that happened after the kissing that made the relationship more and more difficult to rationalize, and here is where I experience a lot of hand-wringing for all my Mormon girlfriends who got married without ever having slept with their men. It’s admirable, very admirable to enter into the covenant of marriage as a virgin, but what if smack dab in the middle of that first-night passion he starts quoting Al Pacino in Scarface? Or starts yodeling? Or says, “Do you mind if I turn on some Yanni?” IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN. This is indispensable research you have to conduct, or else you’re going to spend the rest of your life faking headaches.

And finally, the very good-looking blonde, athletic type who could fix things. He was the first guy I ever dated who could change a tire, and he was always offering to take care of the broken things around my apartment. When that sort of expertise comes into your life it feels like you’re seeing a blue sky for the first time. Like, you mean I don’t have to live with a shower door that won’t close? I HAVE NEVER KNOWN SUCH BEAUTY. But then I had to go and ruin everything by asking him to open his mouth and form a complete sentence, by asking the very difficult, complex question of what he thought about homosexuality. He shrugged and said, “Homosexuals are stupid.” Which, let’s give him credit, is as educated and informed of an opinion as that of an eight-year-old in a coma.

What are your deal breakers?

  • catnip

    2006/09/16 at 6:43 am

    First date dealbreakers:

    Showed up at the door for a blind date wearing a black leather jacket, slouching, looking surly, with a toothpick in the corner of his mouth. (Dinner was Pizza Hut, followed by the movie “Mother, Jugs and Speed.”)

    Sported a puka shell necklace and a shirt opened several buttons (very 1970s).

    Referred to women as “babes” and men as “dudes,” in keeping with the rest of his frat brothers.

    Tried to shove his entire tongue down my ear canal.

    Sneered at the fact that I grew up in the suburbs. (You know, why DIDN’T I refuse to go along when my parents moved there when I was seven?)

    Bragged about himself and showed me photo albums and scrapbooks about himself the entire date and never once asked me a question about myself.

    Other dealbreakers:

    Uses cute names for his penis
    Has only a few, straggly strands of chest hair
    Has bad breath due to poor oral hygiene
    Refers to women as “ladies,” as in “hello, pretty lady.”
    Thinks that he’s a Casanova and deserves to go out with nice-looking women when he’s overweight and has poor personal grooming and dandruff. Have you looked in the mirror, buddy?

  • number14

    2006/09/16 at 4:55 am

    Deal Breaker:
    The guy with the nervous laugh. And it wasn’t first-date nervousness. This was a constant ha-ha. It punctuated everything he ever said. “Wow, you look great. Ha ha.” “What do you feel like doing this weekend? Ha ha.” “Can I kiss you? Ha ha.”

    I found myself talking all the time to drown out the ‘ha ha.’ Poor guy. He would have been such a catch if it weren’t for that annoying tic.

  • kerri

    2006/09/16 at 2:11 am

    Does anyone remember “Montana” from The Real World Boston? And that she kept a gargantuan-sized notebook filled with her “deal-breakers”? I think there must have been something like two-hundred of them. I still remember the episode where, after a date with some Bostonian, she looked in her notebook and found something about him corresponded with Deal-Breaker #38. Or at least, that’s the number I remember in my head. I think it was the “Has a visible tattoo” deal-breaker. Or “Doesn’t have a visible tattoo.” Or something. 😉

    Liking coconut is my deal-breaker. Oh, and lying. Oh, and an inability to appreciate the fact that I think Melville, Oscar Wilde and Faulkner (were drunk, yes, sure, but also) genuis.

  • HannahsMomJess

    2006/09/16 at 4:37 am

    Oh my, I have spent the better part of a day trying to wade through these comments in each spare 5 minutes I get that my daughter isn’t requiring all my attention.


    Child Porn (yes, I dated a guy who had that as a “hobby” and I even loved him before I knew)


    I guess I should have known that my ex had a thing for young girls. He was 28 when we started dating. I was 17 and six weeks from graduating highschool. Talk about ignoring red flags

    I’m now happily married to a wonderful guy who so far exhibits no sign of dealbreakers.

  • typealice

    2006/09/16 at 4:48 am

    1) Dress young. I love men who can still carry off the “skater” look that was popular when I was in high school. When I reached my mid-twenties I thought I was doomed because most men my age start shopping at normal retail stores and stop with the Value Village-ing. I love skate shoes (they’ve been my prominent shoe for more than ten years), I love baggy pants, I love small shirts on skinny guys. I, on the other hand, do not like shirts with stupid sayings on them.

    2) Be a vegetarian or a veggie-friendly meat eater. And don’t be vegan. I’ve had two vegan boyfriends and they were a Pain in the Ass to eat with- it’s too much trouble to cook with/for, let alone go out and eat. On the other hand, I could never be with someone who needs to eat meat for every meal, or even every day.

    3) Rarely spends money frivolously (unless they have a kick-ass job and they buy me lots of presents. Read: has NEVER happened before, ever.). I’m the cheapest person I’ve ever met, and I worry about money just as much as I worry about my weight (a LOT).

    4) Must take care of finger and toenails. If they’re too long or too dirty or too anything, it’s over so fast it didn’t even have time to begin.

    5) Must be open to living in Nova Scotia. With this rule, they must love the ocean, the accents, the forest and the hicks. I would love to have my children be Nova Scotian, and thinking about ever having a kid born outside of the province makes me uncomfortable. I’m a very proud Nova Scotian.

    6) Must have been outside of Canada and the USA for an extended period of time (months) in their life.

    7) Must love the internet.

    8) Must know what a torrent is.

    9) Must not be addicted to video games.

    10) Must, must, must not do drugs on a regular basis and NEVER do hard drugs.

    11) Must be a good and confident driver who doesn’t mind driving all the time.

    12) Be ambitious. Nothing drives me crazier than someone who is passive in their life.

    13) Must not smoke. As a recovering smoker, I know that if I was ever in a relationship with someone who smokes, I’d lose my battle of quitting smoking, and I can’t have that happen.

    14) Don’t be a “specific” type of person. I do that enough for ten people. I like specific things done in a specific way, and I don’t think it’d work out if I met someone else like me. It stems from childhood (boo hoo hoo), but here are some things I’m specific about: toothpaste is to be squeezed from the bottom; dish clothes are to be hung up on the tap, not crumpled into a ball in the sink; phone cords that are twisted are bad; spoons face down when they’re drying in the rack… etc etc etc.

    15) Like cats more than dogs. I don’t enjoy dogs. Period.

    16) Don’t care about sports on television. (I’ve been quite fortunate to never be with someone who liked watching sports!)

    17) Must make me laugh, must not mind being pinched, must have a pet name for me within the first six months, must be stronger than me, must love love love love and cherish me.

    18) Must not be Christian.

  • gearlivegirl

    2006/09/15 at 11:40 pm

    Forgot the clincher…

    12. Picks his nose then proceeds to roll the contents into a ball, just to stuff it back up into his nose for later enjoyment. Like it’s an extra-curricular sport.

    Yes, that about does it.

  • mariekschen

    2006/09/16 at 1:07 am

    Never date a guy who has better hair than you…

  • Sarah Holm

    2006/09/16 at 1:30 am

    “The entire muslim world has branded itself as terrorists”. Wow that’s, you know, deep.

  • Elea

    2006/09/15 at 11:23 pm

    Off the top of my head, some deal-breakers for me include chain-smoking, cruelty to animals, and short attention span when it comes to women.

  • gearlivegirl

    2006/09/15 at 11:34 pm

    My dealbreakers:

    1. licks his plate
    2. sucks his thumb
    3. smells, and loves, the smell of his earwax
    4. seriously…tells you to pull his finger
    5. pouts circles around a 2 year old
    6. farts in bed
    7. has back zits, and pops said back zits
    8. spends more money on his junky car than on you
    9. thinks that burping is endearing
    10. thinks that it is a FACT that the world revolves around HIM
    11. and finally…dadadada…cheats…cause if he did it once, he will do it AT LEAST 10 more times.

    other than that, I’m not too picky

  • NordanticElaine

    2006/09/15 at 9:33 pm

    I think the deal breakers were lines my boyfriends have used in the heat of the moment.

    1) “Oh, I don’t have any. I can go get a shower ring, will that be okay?”
    —No. Thanks though? Goodbye.

    2) “Well SHE knew what to do”
    —No buddy, that’s definitely your problem. Not

    3) This one isn’t a line. It just sucked. He insisted that everytime we were making out that the sound track to Braveheart and/or Last of the Mohicans was playing in the background. *sigh* Yes, it’s good music. But I think of people dying when I hear that music. And that isn’t good for anyone involved.

    Other than that? Don’t comment on the fact that I haven’t worn makeup in a month and look like I belong under a bridge. Screw you.

  • Sarah

    2006/09/15 at 10:56 pm


    – Open mind
    – Open life (including past)
    – Open heart


    – Open (emotional) wounds
    – Open sores (YUCK)
    – Open relationships (Not for me, thanks.)

  • SarahLou

    2006/09/15 at 9:01 pm

    -Think’s i’m his mother…

  • banjeroo

    2006/09/15 at 9:16 pm

    Beyond the obvious, I guess… (the bankrupt, the tasteless, the shifty, the cruel, the bad kissers, etc.)

    Guys who have that white viscous foam saliva that collects in the corners of the mouth when they talk.

    Guys who think I’m being fussy or “body hating” when I refuse to sleep in “the wet spot”. (Puh-leeease.)

    Guys who I go to meet in the park and they deliberately arrive early so they can be on one of the swings when I get there and then hop off the swing with staged merriness and say something like “I guess you just caught me being myself”. (You jackass!)

  • NordanticElaine

    2006/09/15 at 9:33 pm

    I think the deal breakers were lines my boyfriends have used in the heat of the moment.

    1) “Oh, I don’t have any. I can go get a shower ring, will that be okay?”
    —No. Thanks though? Goodbye.

    2) “Well SHE knew what to do”
    —No buddy, that’s definitely your problem. Not

    3) This one isn’t a line. It just sucked. He insisted that everytime we were making out that the sound track to Braveheart and/or Last of the Mohicans was playing in the background. *sigh* Yes, it’s good music. But I think of people dying when I hear that music. And that isn’t good for anyone involved.

    Other than that? Don’t comment on the fact that I haven’t worn makeup in a month and look like I belong under a bridge. Screw you.

  • Bucky Four-Eyes

    2006/09/15 at 8:54 pm

    Deal breakers (applies to boys or girls):

    – No sense of humor (more importantly, doesn’t laugh at MY jokes)
    – Doesn’t like animals
    – Racist/bigot
    – Unbendingly conservative
    – Fanatically religious
    – Dull conversationalist (just shoot me now)
    – Cheating/lying
    – No imagination or sense of whimsy
    – Rude to waitstaff/clerks/etc.
    – Doesn’t dig my bare, white ass framed by a pair of black leather chaps

  • farmer_daughter

    2006/09/15 at 8:25 pm

    ELASTIC PANTS! They are only acceptable when working out or during physical activities. If a guy chooses to wear them in unacceptable conditions, he will be subjected to much taunting and uncontrollable laughter for being a total wiener.

    Also, falling asleep on the pot for 20 minutes and then waking up after you farted only to laugh harder and fart bigger the second time. Yeah, it sounds funny, but after it happens almost daily, we’ve got a problem. Nevermind that I had to judge a farting contest between him and his best friend. Oh why, oh why did I let that rare gem slip through my fingers? *Sigh*

  • 10AKA

    2006/09/15 at 8:44 pm

    My biggest Red Flag was the blind date guy who after having a fantastic night out with him, invited me and my best friend back to his house for a coffee before we drove home. He went into the kitchen to make the coffee and when he came back into the lounge with it, he was naked, and I mean COMPLETELY naked. Needless to say he wasnt my McDreamy 🙂

  • blathering

    2006/09/15 at 7:59 pm

    When I let someone into my home and they ask “you’ve read all these books?” it’s off. I don’t buy books to piss my friends off when I move or to make me look smart. I have them around to weed out twits.

  • tinkerbelle

    2006/09/15 at 8:00 pm

    Definite deal breakers are Republicans, right wingers and anyone who doesn’t love dogs to the point that they allow them to lick their faces and sleep in their beds.

  • mrsjcatalano

    2006/09/15 at 8:24 pm

    On a second date with a guy I had known for ten years, he said, in complete sincerity, “The Beatles are overrated.” And I left and have never spoken to him since.

  • DobieVSW

    2006/09/15 at 7:49 pm

    I think I dated your blonde guy for a bit. He once asked me where Panama was.

    Deal breakers included dislike of dogs, chewing with his mouth open, hearing voices, drug addiction, and polka.

  • carolff

    2006/09/15 at 7:56 pm

    I have no concrete deal-breakers (other than the norm: drugs, random felonies, etc.) because I learned long ago to never say never. Just when you say, “I WILL NEVER DO SO AND SO!!” You will. Yes, you will. And you will love it.

    But, maybe people with political stickers still on their car. It’s over. Move on. Tomorrow is another day. Make it a better one.

  • fiveflowers

    2006/09/15 at 7:01 pm

    deal breaker #1: can’t swim or stand water. #2 SPENDS MORE TIME GROOMING THAN ME, or uses more products than I do. #3 Tells me they love me after the first date. #4 Walks 10 miles to my house to see me and we’ve only been dating 2 weeks (this happened to my best friend… she was like, “you did what???”)

    PS LOVE Maggie’s new book- so fun!

  • Black Belt Mama

    2006/09/15 at 7:40 pm

    Stupidity. Plain and simple. My husband is the second valedictorian I dated.

    Also short stature.

  • nolalite

    2006/09/15 at 7:44 pm

    Those with oval “W” stickers on their vehicles.

    Guys who are squeamish and/or afraid of amusement park rides, (despite any attempts to disguise it.) Same goes for horror movies.

    All hygiene and human curtesies that are hallmarks of those not raised by wolves are taken for granted.

    If you don’t know it, ADMIT IT!

    Men with petite noses…just too feminine for me.

    Sneaks. NEWSFLASH: You are fooling no one.

  • auroraleighm

    2006/09/15 at 6:55 pm

    Quoting D’yer Maker in his pre-coitus routine. Down by the river next to a tree at midnight, after reciting a snippet from Joyce’s Ulysses. Seriously. And, yes, I regret getting myself into that situation.

  • HighlandAmy

    2006/09/15 at 6:49 pm

    My deal breakers? Too numerous to list here. They include (but are not limited to):
    long finger nails
    a criminal record
    watches Steven Segal movies
    owns cat(s)

  • HorribleReality

    2006/09/15 at 6:54 pm

    My deal breaker: Briefcases.
    I had a date wtih a guy who was actually successful and met him after he got off work and he had his briefcase with him and I thought nothing of it, I did find it strange that he carried it with him where ever we went instead of leaving it in his car, but figured he was just careful with it. Long Story short….the contents of the briefcase was porno and sex toys.
    Lesson Learned: Slumming it isn’t all that bad!

  • Gooseberried

    2006/09/15 at 6:13 pm

    Guys that don’t eat meat.

  • Megansays

    2006/09/15 at 6:24 pm

    I think I may be color blind, but most of my red flags, unfortunately, appear to be merely yellow.

    But, when I realized that the guy I was dating would never drive his cherry red Dodge Neon (couldn’t miss that flag!) without putting on his leather driving gloves, I had to have a talk with myself.

    I stole one and kept it in my refrigerator as a reminder.

  • MillaJam

    2006/09/15 at 6:48 pm

    hmmm, deal breakers…

    from past relationships I now have a collection of statements by my *favorite* mistakes:

    ‘I will dance with you, but only after 3 pints of beer. it puts me in the mood, baby’

    ‘Well, I am soon graduating with a degree in mathematics & informatics. what am I going to do next? create the worst ever computer virus, now isn’t that every programmer’s dream?’

    ‘I can’t date a virgin girl, because, ummm… I would cause her lots of pain’

    I also used to go out with a guy who had his own site, where the photo section was full of pics of him and his ex girfriend and had captions like ‘me and my girlfriend’, ‘my awesome girfriend’ that he kept up after being with me for 3 months, because he was too lazy to make any updates. when I found this out he turned into a walking red flag in an instant.

    A slobbery inconsiderate kisser? next…
    No sense of humor? next!
    Constant bad odor, dirty fingernails (a sign the guy does not like to shower often)? NEXT!
    Mama’s boy or Flying fist boy? NEXT! NEEXT! NEEEEEXT!

    My mom once said, when I was still in school: ‘if a guy doesn’t walk you home at night, then dating him is a no no’. and I’ve realized that a guy that doesn’t really care about his girlfriend’s safety is not the best option.

    I used to consider excessive facial hair or a man looking like cousin IT a real deal breaker. but hey, here I am in a relationship with a guy who has long hair and there is nothing I find sexier than his hair falling in his face occasionally.
    I also used to judge a guy by looking at his shoes. now I think that as long as it isn’t high heels, it is ok with me. I think I could live with flip flops and socks and… clogs 😀 (sorry, Heather, I confess 🙂 but that’s ONLY around the house 😀 heh, this is getting ridiculous.
    I never considered being in a relationship with someone younger than me or in a long distance one for some time. but we have a grrreat time when we are together and I have found a whole new universe in this guy, so I guess most of those fansy deal breakers go, when you find that special one. the one that makes you wanna put on that shirt Kaitlin was talking about… the ‘I am somebody’s fantasy’ one.

    Ok, it was fun sharing that. great post, dear Dooce, you rock! reading it and the comments made my da… night.

    best wishes from Lithuania 🙂

  • jes lamb

    2006/09/15 at 6:01 pm

    deal breakers: bad grammar, bad teeth, no sense of humor, no ambition, shorter than 5’8″, doesn’t drink, is super religious, is filthy, is into strange bedroom behaviors (golden showers, anal sex, etc), small appendages, doesn’t have an opinion

    deal makers: has to be able to fix things, needs to know more about cars than I do.

  • Indian Stallion

    2006/09/15 at 5:27 pm

    Hey how dare you, Yanni is really sensual music alright. I play that all the time in bed!

  • chrisjoel

    2006/09/15 at 5:59 pm

    I had to go through 19 comments in a row before I got to a guy commenting. I couldn’t read anymore…


    Up to that point it was all back hair, republicans, and men in retail.

    How ’bout this, how ’bout LIBERAL SNOTTY TREE HUGGING BITCHES…

    I doubt you ever read this far down on your comment list, but i gotta say… that’s some shallow people you gots yerself there….


    Herman Bloodcracker

  • lisa

    2006/09/15 at 5:25 pm

    Ooh ooh ooh. Guys who say, “Nothing,” when you ask what they’re thinking about it and you actually believe it.

  • Suebob Davis

    2006/09/15 at 5:26 pm

    Well, dang me, Maggie was RIGHT! This is a good subject to get people riled up about.

    Crap, at age 45, after having dated for *gulp* 30 years, my list is so long that I don’t even want to date anymore. I have kissed so many frogs that I have come to the conclusion that I am quite green and bumpy myself.

  • jchammonds

    2006/09/15 at 5:16 pm

    Tobacco use, neanderthal-ness (includes lack of brains and chauvinism).

  • lisa

    2006/09/15 at 5:20 pm

    Men who say “Wow, that must be really cathartic,” when you say you’re a writer. And like MulattaPreta, guys who say stuff like “keeping it real,” or “no worries.” Guys who do too much yoga. Vegans. Teva-sandal wearers. Men who wear baseball caps and think we won’t eventually find out they’re bald. Back hair. Anyone who makes faces at me with punctuation marks, or writes u instead of you, luv instead of love, r instead of are. As in: I luv u. U r the woman 4 me. etc etc.

    Also test-driving is essential. But test driving can also be dangerous. It sometimes makes you forget all your deal breakers. I married a man with back hair. I should have known he’d leave me for a younger woman. I am currently involved with someone who uses annoying abbreviations in his text messages and e-mails. ;~< **** (Those stars are future tears falling to the ground.)

  • Helen

    2006/09/15 at 5:02 pm

    In hindsight I’m pleased with my 20 year old self who fled a relationship with a guy who, three years in, said his only real goal was to try every drug out there. Even though I’d been talking about college since we met, he wistfully admitted he’d like me better if I dropped my ambition and was content to wait on him and his friends, and when he was ready to get married, would be happy to move into his family’s little shack by the river. My next boyfriend was quite a bit more gung-ho career-wise, but maybe a little too gung-ho. After getting engaged he finally admitted no, he did not want kids, not one, ever. (And never did have them.) Also, when I asked if he ever thought about people after he saw them, or what they said, or tried to analyze it, he said, ‘no, when I’m alone I don’t think about people, I think about how things are put together, like clocks.’ Both, deal breakers. Another thing I came away with, as someone said above…stingy people don’t give emotionally either. And I’ve found that ogling other women and being really jealous go hand in hand more often than not. Oh well. It’s chemistry, really that overcomes a lot of things you thought you’d never put up with–I’ve been married now 17 years to someone with some objectionable qualities, but so far, so good.

  • goddesschristine

    2006/09/15 at 4:32 pm

    #262 is my new hero.

  • seppukuqueen

    2006/09/15 at 4:37 pm

    Guys who try to convince me that I’d like anal, and then when told no, try to be sneaky about it. Like I’ve lost all feeling below my waist and won’t notice. I know what you’re trying, and if you move another millimeter, you’re going to really miss that.
    That and guys that like any entire Mars Volta song. It’s not music after the first half, it’s pretentious feedback, and I refuse to listen to it for the 6th time in a row.

  • seppukuqueen

    2006/09/15 at 4:49 pm

    It’s not very openminded to dislike someone based on their political affiliation.
    I go with music. Guys who want to be Eminem? Not hot.

  • gabrielavazquez

    2006/09/15 at 4:57 pm

    Men with really big penises.

  • Franko

    2006/09/15 at 4:02 pm

    I once broke things off with a girl who confessed she had had an iron deficiency as a child, and so had taken to scraping the flea poo off of the family pets and eating it.

    It wasn’t so much that she did this as a child. Children do strange things. But the fact that she would tell another human being this, rather than take this shameful secret to her grave where it belonged, unnerved me.

  • Donny

    2006/09/15 at 4:05 pm

    Women who buy authentic Louis Vitton purses, or other such name brand, expensive purses. Women who will spend several hundred dollars on a single pair of shoes. Women who talk non stop about very uninteresting subjects. Women who have a chip on their shoulder towards men. Women who want to do nothing but party. Women who smoke. Women who won’t admit to mistakes they’ve made or feel like they need to impress me.

  • DominEditrix

    2006/09/15 at 3:52 pm

    I once threw out a now-well-known writer when he told me that a) I wrote better than he did, which shook his confidence – not something a Real Woman would do and b) Real Women gave up all to devote themselves to their Man. [As an example, he claimed that his mother had been a concert-level violinist, but never touched her instrument again after she married.]

    The you-must-diminish-yourself-for-me thing just doesn’t fly.

    Other deal-breakers: Men who resent intelligent women, men who play games, men who don’t bathe and men who don’t see why one can’t have dinner ready at 6pm just because one has a toddler, a full-time job and is going to school at night. I have dated all of the above.

  • bobthedog

    2006/09/15 at 3:48 pm

    i once dated (and had a child with!) a manipulative drug addict that belived that selling drugs to his friends constituted an actual job; who refused to discuss marriage with me until the point where he declared he was going to do this massive deal and clear twenty grand and that then, and only then, we would get married, because he would be able to pay for all of it and prove to my parents he was a good dude.
    i left him.

    im seeing a guy at the moment who is sometimes overy effeminate and it drives me up the wall. occasionally he complains about the music that i like (totally i can understand not liking the same music i do, but if you come to my house then you either deal with the fact that you may have to listen to something you dont like or you DONT COME), and sometimes he makes offhand, mildly racist comments that i dont like.

    i am not into touchy feely guys and will boot to the curb anyone who feels they have to be all over me more than like, half the time. i put this down to being a hermit for most of my life. i know it is kind of weird.

    if you have controlling or ‘overprotevtive’ friends and/or family that tell you what to do and you listen…. goodbye.

    i am not looking for a complete asshole because i hate people who are rude without reason but for the love of god, please grow some fucking balls.

    also no:
    – tapered jeans. you know the kind.
    – jandals/thongs/whatever you call them.

    and you need:
    – a job.
    – intelligence.
    – to be able to dress yourself.

  • nobledesign

    2006/09/15 at 3:11 pm

    Oh my god, I think saying “tally ho” is adorable.

  • Sarah

    2006/09/15 at 3:17 pm

    Ultimate deal breaker:
    “Who’s Morrissey?”

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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