the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A duck says quack

“Is Daddy a bear?” (Jon lets out a violent roar.)


“Is he a dog?” (Jon barks, begs for a treat, balances a book on his head.)

“Noooooooo. He’s not a dog!”

“How about a cat? Is Daddy a cat?” (Jon meows and then licks his paws, pretends to cough up a wad of hair the size of a softball.)

“Noooooooo. Not a cat!”

“Is he a cow?” (Lots of mooing and staring blankly.)

“Noooooooo. Daddy’s not a cow!”

“Is he a Leta?” (He starts singing the ABC song, stops at the letter K to ask for gummy bears.)

“Noooooooo. He’s not a Leta!”

“Is he a Mama?” (He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and screams, “JOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN!”)

Leta doesn’t say a word and instead whips her head around to make sure that Daddy hasn’t magically transformed into Mama, because that? That was so real.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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