An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Like McAdams loves Gosling

Earlier today I had a follow-up appointment for the skin cancer that was removed from my left arm, and while I was there I had two more suspicious spots of skin removed, one from my neck, one from right above my belly button. He also injected two old scars with steroids to reduce their size, so by the time I walked out of there I had four giant bandages on my body, one on my shin, one on my stomach, one on my neck, and one poking up from the collar of my shirt. Afterward I stopped by a nearby Target because I hadn’t been to one since yesterday. The girl who helped me at check-out couldn’t stop staring at the mess on my neck and finally asked if I was okay. I said, oh this? It’s just a contagious disease that eats through the skin and leaves maggots inside your lower intestine, would she like to rub her face in it? NO? THEN WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING MY EAR FOR ME, IT JUST FELL OFF.

I’ll know in about two weeks whether or not any of the spots from this round are cancerous, although he doesn’t think so. This is just something I’ll have to do once every six months for the rest of my life. Kind of like brushing my hair.

In better news, there’s this:

Also? He bought his own copy. That he paid for with his own money and not the money that his mom gave him to buy ramen. BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN ALL. You should probably brace your already vulnerable heart for this one. Ready? You sure? Because I am not even kidding.

This man will one day make very cute babies:

And they will probably hunt opossum and use the bathroom in a shed adjacent to the house.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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