Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Exclamation point, Late Winter Edition

I was all set to sit down and write a lengthy treatise on the sinusitis that has paralyzed the entire right side of my face, and maybe draw a picture for you of the x-ray that showed how my maxillary sinus is filled to overflowing with goo. My doctor acted giddy when he saw the x-ray, flew open the door to the room and said THIS IS SO COOL. Which, okay, I guess I don’t hear that every day, thanks for appreciating the beauty of my infected sinus recess. I have worked very hard on it.

But then I got a thoughtfully hateful email in my inbox this morning and realized I have deprived you of my hatemail for far too long (the last installment was posted over three months ago). I have been selfish in keeping them all to myself, these delicate, fragrant blossoms of humanity, and I knew that you would agree that a diagram of my sinus goo couldn’t possibly compete with the heartwarming sentiments of the following poetry. Although it would come very, very close.

The first one is from highfly2234, a repeat hatemailer whose grace and charm remind me of a dry, itchy crotch:

Now let me get this straight…you actually blog for a living? If your webaite doesn’t demonstrate that any idiot can make a living by posting crap on the internet, I don’t know what does. You have a great scam going on let me tell you. Write letters to your daughter, post pictures of your dog and …AND GET PAID for it. Wow you’re living the American Dream…sitting around your house with a camera on your neck just waiting for SOMEBODY…ANYBODY…to do SOMETHING…that I CAN WRITE ABOUT.

Yeah I don’t see you regretting your life 20 years from at all.

You’re an absolute joke of the worst kind…GET A FRIGGIN LIFE.

And I hope your dog runs away and never comes back because that would be the best day ever!

This is blowing my mind. How did he know? Because my day is pretty much exactly as he described it, right down to the ellipses. Except, he forgot one very important thing: I totally have awesome lip gloss.

And in 20 years when I regret my life? I WILL STILL HAVE AWESOME LIP GLOSS.

Here is one of my favorite pieces of hatemail ever for the sole reason that it was sent to me by someone named Deland. With a name like that you just know that his mama can fry up a chicken:

Hi my name is deland i’m from salt lake i seen your story in the paper so I thought i would check out your blog . Well I think its Lousy it really sucks I bet the only thing U R GOOD AT IS SUCKING ON DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Internet, that is 14 exclamation points. Not a record by any means, but a good effort, don’t you think? I like how he threw in such a naughty word, too, because where the exclamation points failed to make an impression, that word certainly brought his email to life. DICKS! It’s like, BEAVERS AND DUCKS! Which I like to randomly scream at children who knock on my door.

Up next is one from Paul:

Yes, yes you have to be one of the most pathetic people I have ever seen in my life. for God’s sake (and I’m not even religious) please stop abusing your child.

I think this email would have been better had he given specific examples to demonstrate his point, and maybe thrown in a numbered list or an outline, because which instance of abuse is he referring to? All of them? Only one? Just the ones involving drill bits? That one time I buried her in jello? HELP ME OUT, PAUL.

Next is one from the always diplomatic Anonymous:

Your family should sue you too. I’ve enjoyed your blog but I thnk that you have some serious issues. I read about your legal battles, your depression and all of your other problems, and I can’t help but think that bad things keep happening to you because you are a bad person. I mean look at how much you husband and your child have suffered because of you, and the more publicity you try to get for yourself the more awful things seem to happen in your life. In addition when your child gets older and goes to school everyone there could know that her mother is literally crazy. Imagine how hard that will be for her. Why are you doing this to your family? Do you really need the money that badly?

I get the feeling that this means I should stop trying to hit Mormons with my car.

Which is kind of an appropriate segue into this email from Durga:

I think it’s funny how u hate mormonism and mormons in general but still choose to live in Utah among them.Why not save yourself the daily depression and angst and just move?It makes you look pathetic when you say that it is still the best place to raise children.

I have explained this before, but let me make this clear one more time IF I HAVE TO: I choose to remain in Utah because of all the free tampons. IS THAT SO WRONG?

Here’s another one from another person named Anonymous, what seems to be the second most popular name for children behind Emma:

Why did you turn comments off? Mad because they point out that you are medicated fool? That you really have nothing going on? That you really aren’t that sharp? That you act irresponsibly and foolishly? That you aren’t that attractive?

This is a very thoughtful question, Anonymous, and I can understand why you might be frustrated that you cannot post your fully-formed love for me in my comments. Maybe this will help you understand why I do the things I do (TAKE NOTE, PAUL, I AM MAKING A LIST):

1. I do not open comments on every post because I do not think every post needs any additional commentary, or because I am not going to be around to make sure everyone is playing nicely.

2. On posts that do allow comments, I usually close them within 24-48 hours because the discussion has usually ended at that point. Plus, it keeps everyone nimble.

3. Occasionally I will turn comments off earlier without warning just so that I can get email like yours, full of bravery and courage, a warm kiss on the nose like a steaming Prozac burp.

A distressed reader, Maurice, writes:

Hi there! I love your column, but am getting rather tired of your dog pictures. Take pictures of each other, the house, the neighbors, Leta or gold fish, but ENOUGH with the dog.

Jeez oh pete.

Dear Maurice,

Love,
Heather

This next one isn’t really a hatemail, but I thought I would share it here anyway just to give you a glimpse as to the amazing things people feel like they need to say to me. From Jamuna:

I just felt inspired to remind you of something that I think you already know but forgot when I read your post about anxiety today. It’s just this: when you eat animals that have been to the slaughterhouse, you are likely consuming on a more subtle and energetic level the adrenaline, fear and anxiety that they almost certainly experienced just before death. The anxiety you are feeling is not just your own but also the feelings of the dead animals.

If this is true, and do I ever hope it is, then the cow that I ate last night must have been feeling very plump and juicy right before they chopped off his head.

And finally, an email from a reader named Amy, and the only way I can explain some of the punctuation is to believe that she typed it with her forehead:

I just started reading. blogs like last week. I do’nt really care what mundan nerds do and then write about. But, you are so cynical. I c’ant get why you would have such a depressed. blase, I dont give a fuck, mean-spirited-attitude. Is that supposed to be “cool?” Its really dorky. Even the “dooce” thing is dorky…what is that? poo? a gambling reference? (SAHF) or a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass? what does that mean? its soooo fuckin dumb….

oh, the only reason I feel compelled to do this, is cuz you get paid for it and its your job. Therefore, I am within my right to criticize. I certainly would’nt go picking on some 14 year olds blog, about the same mentality tho…

Amy, if you read my FAQ (that stands for FuckingAssQuaaludes, in case you were wondering) you’ll see that the “dooce” thing is not a reference to poo, although if you want to believe that, then I guess you are well within your rights to do so, and I certainly won’t stop you. You are also well within your rights to insert an apostrophe anywhere you think it seems cute — I particularly like the one in c’ant, right there at the beginning, like it’s flashing CONTRACTION AHEAD! CONTRACTION AHEAD! and I do appreciate the warning — but this means that I am well within my rights to assume that you are the type of person who hangs Christmas wreaths on the front of her pick-up.

  • nettogirl

    WAIT!!

    I live in Utah, and I had no idea about getting free tampons! What’s the deal?

  • Treya

    Wooooooo! I love it. The one about eating anxious animals. So am I to understand that all the calm people I know just managed to eat calm cows and pigs and chickens? Well, shit….why isn’t there a market for this. I mean, every grocery store has an “organic” section. What about having a meat section with animals who weren’t anxious when they died. I am going to stop taking my Celexa right now…..who knew?

  • Chloe

    That picture of Chuck has to be included in next year’s calendar. So sorry I didn’t see this until now; would’ve been cool to comment on the Ides of March.

  • VannaLou

    Free tampons in Utah?!
    Why did no one ever inform me of this before I hit menopause?
    gah!

  • AlaskanJenn

    Seriously, what on earth is wrong with people… if they dont like your Blog, DONT READ IT! There are somethings you write about that I just dont get, or that I dont find totally fitting into my opinion… but OMG I dont take it personaly. After all, I am an exclamation point user, I use them ALOT!! I’m having a very hard time writing this and leaving them out actually, but I’m trying to restrain myself in respect for you. I think your a fantastic writer, I love your sense of humor,( its very much like mine) I love your openness and ability to share your life with depression. I too am on medication for it, and plan to be for the rest of my life, I should’ve been diagnosed when I was 9 years old, but in my family those type of problems were just ‘in your head’. but the point of my novel here is… !!!YOU FUCKIN RULE!!!!
    Thanx, Jenn

  • John

    LAUGHING OUT LOUD! Sorry for the cruel comments, but your stuff is brilliant.

  • mamabraun

    Your ability to receive hate mail from morons and not begin to rant and rave back at them is truly amazing. I knew there were crazies in the world, but I never realized so many of them read your blog!

    I am a recent fan (within the last year) but completely devoted to your wonderful family and incredible sense of humor. How wonderful that you can make a living doing this so that you are able to have all the family time in the world to share together. And I LOVE Chuck. Keep those dog pictures coming!

    Thank you for doing what you do and doing it so well.

  • Mariana

    Wow, 543th comment! This time you want to see how far we’d go????
    It’s a lot of fun, of that I’m sure :))

  • Well, sheeeeeit!!!!! While comments are open I’m going to leave this really mundane comment. I hope you have a good laugh with all your hate mail cause I sure did.

  • here today, gone tomorrow

    Good thing I’m actively courting menopause, or I’d have to hustle right on out to Utah for them free tampons. Letting people’s words speak for themselves and Chuck pooping… A potent, elegant retort. Yours is my favorite blog of all, period end of story. I’m glad you enjoy the success you do with it.

  • Heather – part of my morning routine consists of drinking my coffee while reading your blog, but I have to be careful that coffee doesn’t come spurting out my nose because you make me laugh out loud. Love the pic of Chuck. Screw everyone – keep doing what you do best. 20 years from now, maybe you can retire on what you’ve made from this site.

  • schwa

    p.s. In Casa de Schwa, the act of elimination will now be known as “copping a Chuck.”

  • schwa

    I especially like Chuck when you pose him nekkid after a bath.

  • Chuck’s photo is beautiful! Good dog!

  • *Officical Delurking*

    That photo of Chuck is amazing. He has no shame… Just looks straight into the camera. My dog has learned to look away from us when she is… uh… busy. Kudos, and don’t ever let those hatemailers get to you!

  • So I just laned at an airport and checked my email. It contained some of my own very harsh reader email. I blew it off to come here and what do I find? More great email from insane people– apparently they have your address too. Thanks as always for the laugh and the reminder that the unfortunate fellow whose email I had just deleted is not a reasonable person whose opinion I should care about, but some crank full of train oil, stubble and hatred.

  • alilane2003

    I just laughed so hard I almost threw up on my keyboard. Really, best post ever.

    Your site is one of my top 10 favorite things, Heather!

  • P.S. For us newbies, what IS “Dooce”, anyway?

  • Oh, and here’s my three guesses why people email you those thoughtful comments:

    1. Because they want their 15 minutes of fame on Dooce.
    2. Because they think they’ll be famous if they get their email published on Heather’s website.
    3. Because they want to be famous and think that by emailing Dooce, they might get published here and get some sort of fame from it.

    Just my guesses. 😉

  • Does it ever make you want to quit? All of those wonderful things said to you? Or do you just laugh at them? I’d laugh at them.

    I’ve never once in my life commented here because, well, 550 comments? Do you really read them all?

  • Brilliantly hilarious!

    I hope I am as privileged as you someday so that I might be blessed with hatemail as thrilling as yours. Or any hatemail at all, for that matter.

    After doing the two-finger Mac scroll for endless ages to get down to the bottom in order to comment, I am totally in favour of closing the comments after 48 hours. That might even be pushing it.

    Thanks to Chuck for being the guinea pig for such an eloquent response.

  • Wow,

    The absolute audacity of people never ceases to amaze me. Just because you “blog for a living” certainly doesn’t require any of these people to be a consumer of your blog, and therefore does not give them a right to criticize as if they bought your blog only to find out it was full of termite damage. I always enjoy your hatemail posts, although I suppose that in itself is kind of sad. But hey – for better or for worse, as long as they keep reading.

    Cheers!

  • Blogosaurus Vex

    I cheer for your dog-poop picture! Cheer!

    I find it amazing, if not a little sad, that people have nothing better to do than slag other people online. I of course have plenty of better things to do than slag the slaggers online, but today I make an exception because I can’t stop myself from cheering for your dog-poop picture! Hooray for you! 🙂

  • Blogosaurus Vex

    I cheer for your dog-poop picture! Cheer!

    I find it amazing, if not a little sad, that people have nothing better to do than slag other people online. I of course have plenty of better things to do than slag the slaggers online, but today I make an exception because I can’t stop myself from cheering for your dog-poop picture! Hooray for you! 🙂

  • Jeannine Silver

    I freakin’ love your site! I have been reading it for over a year now and I just love it. I find it truly humorous that people feel the need to say the things they say. I guess ignorance truly is bliss! Keep up the good work. Leta is absolutely beautiful!

  • Tek

    when they start delivering the tampons, then I’m definitely moving to Utah or at least visiting, maybe.

    and the Chuck picture response- priceless and oh so appropriate

  • solaana

    Color me stupid, but what’s a mundan nerd? Sounds like Gunga Din or that weird Jamaican alien in the Star Wars prequels.

  • MeganNZ

    I’ve only discovered your site in the last couple of months and I spend way too long reading over past entries. I stay home with our baby boy and your site is a great way to avoid doing anything productive like housework.
    Thanks for writing such funny, honest posts.
    Chuck is a superstar.

  • jenr

    Heather, you are an amazing mother and blogger. You should be paid for your work on this website and deserve whatever money you get from it.

    Envy often causes hate mail.

  • tropicalpopsicle

    Heather – you are my writer hero. You are not only lucky to do what you love, you are great at it. I get angry, cry, and laugh out loud often at your words and pictures, and look forward to Chuck Fridays. My favorite so far HAS to be the Chuck pooping shot and the way you delivered the picture. Even if it stings, I hope you don’t take those negative hate mailers to heart. Listen to all of us singing your praises and believe THAT. I still don’t get why they d’ont (ha ha) just quit visiting your site if they hate it that much.

  • I can’t believe there are people who send emails like these. It makes me want to move to another planet. Seriously people, invest in a spelling or grammar checking program. My GOD!

  • Thanks SO much, Heather, for ruining my new PowerBook G4. When I saw your reply to Maurice I spit my coffee at the screen, which caused me to gasp, which then set off a coughing fit the likes of which haven’t been seen since I had that bout with tuberculosis as a kid. There is now gunk oozing into the keyboard that simply cannot be described in polite company, but which, if you email me, I will describe just to you. I might even show you pictures. That is, as soon as you send me a new digital camera to make up for DESTROYING MY COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Lori77

    I pretty much always laugh when I read dooce. And on the two occasions that I’ve managed to convince my husband to read (one of which was the recent bit about Leta hurling across the bedspread), even he cackled. When you posted the photos of your recent home decorating, I shared your link with my home decor message board (which resulted in lots of fun and interesting discussion), and my heart ached for you when I read about the trials of Summer 2k6. So I guess this site has sort of become a part of my life.

    But nothing, NOTHING, has ever moved me like this:

    “You are also well within your rights to insert an apostrophe anywhere you think it seems cute — I particularly like the one in c’ant, right there at the beginning, like it’s flashing CONTRACTION AHEAD! CONTRACTION AHEAD!”

    I still can’t stop laughing; I feel like I’m Uncle Albert in Mary Poppins and might actually float right up to the ceiling. May the hate mail never end. Cheers and chocolate cake to you!

  • Scott

    Heather,

    I don’t always think you’re funny. Sometimes you make me sad. Sometimes you make me happy. Sometimes you annoy me. And sometimes I’m laughing so hard my wife hurries into the room because she thinks I’m choking.

    Damn if you aren’t the best reason for reading blogs on the face of the planet!

    Screw the idiots! Thankfully, there are intelligent people out there!

    And… yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I wanted to set the record for most exclamation points so far!

    So that I can be comment number 519!

    Scott

  • Rachel

    people are dumb. but you are not dumb. you are awesome.

  • Lisa

    Dooce,

    I think it’s awesome that you take people’s criticism and turn it around on them. I’m guessing these people have nothing better to do? I wish more people would take time to say positive things to one another, rather than break them down. The world would be a much more peaceful place if so! I also think it’s awesome that you blog for a living… you get to spend more time with your family and I doubt you’ll regret that in 20 years. Keep up the good work!

    PS – Anonymous II knows nothing. You are too hot, and I should know ’cause I’m a big lezbo!

  • dre

    OMG! I can’t believe the one from Deland – who the hell names their kid that!? I almost peed my casual Friday pants. THANK YOU, I needed a good laugh today.

    p.s. Please do not tease me with promises of infected sinus diagrams, I’ll be waiting… 🙂

  • plummerjen

    Hysterical…your cynicism slays me…love, love, love it!

  • scouterpie

    i don’t have a husband or a kid. thanks for sharing yours. i hope you make a gazillion dollars a year for this entertainment,,,i mean i don’t dial up to see what jennifer aniston is thinking and she makes at least that. thank you.

  • bklyngirl

    Heather, I’ve been meaning to write for a long time, but today’s entry inspired me to finally get off my butt and do it because you might need some extra support. I think you are AWESOME! I log on almost every day, and am usually muttering under my breath, “come on, Heather, make me laugh,” as I am a stress monkey and mother of a toddler boy. You ALWAYS deliver. How many people can one say that about? And, to counter one of your hate-mailers, you are quite beautiful. And brave. So they should kiss off. You rock.

  • Cara

    One thing I have never understood about hateful comments like that on blogs – if they think it is such crap and drivel, why do they READ it? Some of these people sound intimately familiar with you, like long time readers. Talk about people with NOTHING better to do to actually constantly read something they think sucks ass!

    New reader and love your writing style – smart ass coupled with profanity? Right up my alley!

  • Apparently, this Maurice speaks from the pompatus of hate.

  • You are lucky! The only hate mail I get is from Guidos and Paris Hilton.

  • My brain burst forth from both my ears after the dog photo. You’d get a bill for the mess if I wasn’t still giggling.

    Cheers from your neighbor in Bendover.

  • You mean to tell me that all this time I’ve been living in Utah I’ve been missing out on FREE tampons?! Crikey. First I find out that we have a Pottery Barn Kids AND a Spaghetti Factory and now this. Who knew Utah held so much?!

  • defaultlisa

    When you write a post about hatemail, I always wonder whether the authors of those “gems” realize how deranged they sound. Are their lives really so terrible or so boring (and are their social skills so few) that they need to lash out at someone they disagree with?

    I also think that some of them are projecting their own problems/fears onto you.

    It’s interesting. I hope you are able to screen most of it so you don’t have to deal with it unless you’re in the mood to laugh at the wasted energy and the sheer dumbness.

    I think Deland might be a nine-year-old borrowing Mommy’s computer. The others just strike me as loser adults.

  • frifri

    Lipgloss is the only true way we can reach salvation. It is a fact.

    That, and it makes you fabulous when you’re not feeling so faboo. I think this clearly reveals the hatemailers as being in desperate need of heading to their local Target and picking up a pile of Lipsmackers.

  • leene

    Just one question: What kind of Lipgloss is that? WHANNAHAVEITTOO!!!
    Love the site, don´t change a thing.
    And get well soon!

  • Seriously, Heather, you rock. I can’t quite figure out their motivation – I think some of them must think they’re being constructive, when really, they’re just being dicks. I love how you post these with your responses in this very matter-of-fact “fuck you very much” kind of way.

  • I kind of wanted to see the x-ray.