An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Exclamation point, Late Winter Edition

I was all set to sit down and write a lengthy treatise on the sinusitis that has paralyzed the entire right side of my face, and maybe draw a picture for you of the x-ray that showed how my maxillary sinus is filled to overflowing with goo. My doctor acted giddy when he saw the x-ray, flew open the door to the room and said THIS IS SO COOL. Which, okay, I guess I don’t hear that every day, thanks for appreciating the beauty of my infected sinus recess. I have worked very hard on it.

But then I got a thoughtfully hateful email in my inbox this morning and realized I have deprived you of my hatemail for far too long (the last installment was posted over three months ago). I have been selfish in keeping them all to myself, these delicate, fragrant blossoms of humanity, and I knew that you would agree that a diagram of my sinus goo couldn’t possibly compete with the heartwarming sentiments of the following poetry. Although it would come very, very close.

The first one is from highfly2234, a repeat hatemailer whose grace and charm remind me of a dry, itchy crotch:

Now let me get this straight…you actually blog for a living? If your webaite doesn’t demonstrate that any idiot can make a living by posting crap on the internet, I don’t know what does. You have a great scam going on let me tell you. Write letters to your daughter, post pictures of your dog and …AND GET PAID for it. Wow you’re living the American Dream…sitting around your house with a camera on your neck just waiting for SOMEBODY…ANYBODY…to do SOMETHING…that I CAN WRITE ABOUT.

Yeah I don’t see you regretting your life 20 years from at all.

You’re an absolute joke of the worst kind…GET A FRIGGIN LIFE.

And I hope your dog runs away and never comes back because that would be the best day ever!

This is blowing my mind. How did he know? Because my day is pretty much exactly as he described it, right down to the ellipses. Except, he forgot one very important thing: I totally have awesome lip gloss.

And in 20 years when I regret my life? I WILL STILL HAVE AWESOME LIP GLOSS.

Here is one of my favorite pieces of hatemail ever for the sole reason that it was sent to me by someone named Deland. With a name like that you just know that his mama can fry up a chicken:

Hi my name is deland i’m from salt lake i seen your story in the paper so I thought i would check out your blog . Well I think its Lousy it really sucks I bet the only thing U R GOOD AT IS SUCKING ON DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Internet, that is 14 exclamation points. Not a record by any means, but a good effort, don’t you think? I like how he threw in such a naughty word, too, because where the exclamation points failed to make an impression, that word certainly brought his email to life. DICKS! It’s like, BEAVERS AND DUCKS! Which I like to randomly scream at children who knock on my door.

Up next is one from Paul:

Yes, yes you have to be one of the most pathetic people I have ever seen in my life. for God’s sake (and I’m not even religious) please stop abusing your child.

I think this email would have been better had he given specific examples to demonstrate his point, and maybe thrown in a numbered list or an outline, because which instance of abuse is he referring to? All of them? Only one? Just the ones involving drill bits? That one time I buried her in jello? HELP ME OUT, PAUL.

Next is one from the always diplomatic Anonymous:

Your family should sue you too. I’ve enjoyed your blog but I thnk that you have some serious issues. I read about your legal battles, your depression and all of your other problems, and I can’t help but think that bad things keep happening to you because you are a bad person. I mean look at how much you husband and your child have suffered because of you, and the more publicity you try to get for yourself the more awful things seem to happen in your life. In addition when your child gets older and goes to school everyone there could know that her mother is literally crazy. Imagine how hard that will be for her. Why are you doing this to your family? Do you really need the money that badly?

I get the feeling that this means I should stop trying to hit Mormons with my car.

Which is kind of an appropriate segue into this email from Durga:

I think it’s funny how u hate mormonism and mormons in general but still choose to live in Utah among them.Why not save yourself the daily depression and angst and just move?It makes you look pathetic when you say that it is still the best place to raise children.

I have explained this before, but let me make this clear one more time IF I HAVE TO: I choose to remain in Utah because of all the free tampons. IS THAT SO WRONG?

Here’s another one from another person named Anonymous, what seems to be the second most popular name for children behind Emma:

Why did you turn comments off? Mad because they point out that you are medicated fool? That you really have nothing going on? That you really aren’t that sharp? That you act irresponsibly and foolishly? That you aren’t that attractive?

This is a very thoughtful question, Anonymous, and I can understand why you might be frustrated that you cannot post your fully-formed love for me in my comments. Maybe this will help you understand why I do the things I do (TAKE NOTE, PAUL, I AM MAKING A LIST):

1. I do not open comments on every post because I do not think every post needs any additional commentary, or because I am not going to be around to make sure everyone is playing nicely.

2. On posts that do allow comments, I usually close them within 24-48 hours because the discussion has usually ended at that point. Plus, it keeps everyone nimble.

3. Occasionally I will turn comments off earlier without warning just so that I can get email like yours, full of bravery and courage, a warm kiss on the nose like a steaming Prozac burp.

A distressed reader, Maurice, writes:

Hi there! I love your column, but am getting rather tired of your dog pictures. Take pictures of each other, the house, the neighbors, Leta or gold fish, but ENOUGH with the dog.

Jeez oh pete.

Dear Maurice,

Love,
Heather

This next one isn’t really a hatemail, but I thought I would share it here anyway just to give you a glimpse as to the amazing things people feel like they need to say to me. From Jamuna:

I just felt inspired to remind you of something that I think you already know but forgot when I read your post about anxiety today. It’s just this: when you eat animals that have been to the slaughterhouse, you are likely consuming on a more subtle and energetic level the adrenaline, fear and anxiety that they almost certainly experienced just before death. The anxiety you are feeling is not just your own but also the feelings of the dead animals.

If this is true, and do I ever hope it is, then the cow that I ate last night must have been feeling very plump and juicy right before they chopped off his head.

And finally, an email from a reader named Amy, and the only way I can explain some of the punctuation is to believe that she typed it with her forehead:

I just started reading. blogs like last week. I do’nt really care what mundan nerds do and then write about. But, you are so cynical. I c’ant get why you would have such a depressed. blase, I dont give a fuck, mean-spirited-attitude. Is that supposed to be “cool?” Its really dorky. Even the “dooce” thing is dorky…what is that? poo? a gambling reference? (SAHF) or a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass? what does that mean? its soooo fuckin dumb….

oh, the only reason I feel compelled to do this, is cuz you get paid for it and its your job. Therefore, I am within my right to criticize. I certainly would’nt go picking on some 14 year olds blog, about the same mentality tho…

Amy, if you read my FAQ (that stands for FuckingAssQuaaludes, in case you were wondering) you’ll see that the “dooce” thing is not a reference to poo, although if you want to believe that, then I guess you are well within your rights to do so, and I certainly won’t stop you. You are also well within your rights to insert an apostrophe anywhere you think it seems cute — I particularly like the one in c’ant, right there at the beginning, like it’s flashing CONTRACTION AHEAD! CONTRACTION AHEAD! and I do appreciate the warning — but this means that I am well within my rights to assume that you are the type of person who hangs Christmas wreaths on the front of her pick-up.

  • Wow, and here I had almost written in saying how much I love your dog and that the entire Chuck-themed week had cracked me up. But clearly Maurice has the better perspective. Ahem.

  • This just makes me wish that I got equivalently ridiculous hate mail. I’m jealous.

  • Paula

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

    I even cried for laughing so hard!

    I still dont get it why people bother to write hatemail. Really. Makes no sense at all.

  • MsGonzo42

    Sweet Jesus. I fucking love your hatemail! I think that would be one of the best parts of having a blog – being entertained by the nimrods who choose to criticize you for being smarter than them. And having no shame in sending off these hysterical missives as if it might make you think, “Oh no! This person hates me! O Woe is ME!”

    I think it’s right & proper you tear them up publicly.

    Now – just don’t post that overly-informative email I sent you re: Siamese Fighting Fish. Cuz then everyone will know I’m a big nerd.

  • southerngirl

    BTW, my whole Christmas wreath rant–sarcasm. I went back and read it and thought “some people might think I am actually that big of a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass”.

    Heather, I’ve got a sign in my kitchen that sums it all up for me: “The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”

  • saffyre9

    That picture of Chuck nearly made me pee my pants! Thanks for that 🙂

  • JLJ

    PS–I agree that Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass has to be on the April masthead. Please?!?

  • What’s best about the hate-mailers is both how entertaining they are and how much better they make me feel about myself! Like you, I suffer from depression, etc. But then I think, whoa – at least I’m not as spitefully twisted (and grammatically inept) as THESE people! 🙂

  • Indigopyro

    Heather – You are my hero. 🙂 I think you are awesome – have a wonderful day!

  • I have got to stop drinking while reading your website. I almost spit out all my tea on my laptop as the Chuck picture came into view. TOO FUNNY!

  • love the “bandits” reference of “beavers & ducks”. i also yell that to unsuspecting children.

  • Flambo

    Holy shit!!! Who are these motherfuckers??? I can’t believe we still BREED people like this. Heather, PLEASE post their emails one day so we can actually show THEM what we think of their cracked-up punctuation and opinions on slaughterhouses. I think it’s only fair.

    In the meantime, you rock.

  • JLJ

    Heather,

    First, obviously, we are all moving to Utah now for the free tampons. Even the IDEA of free tampons makes me want to rejoice.

    Second, in reference to what someone else here said about the frying chicken comments and Deland, I believe what Heather was referring to (I’m speaking for you now, Heather, so stop me if I’m wrong) was Deland’s ‘southern countrified’ persona, not any particular ethnicity.

    As I too am from the South, I’m going to agree with her here about the chicken frying thing, as I have relatives just like Deland, all countrified, Nascar-lovin’, overall wearin’, truck drivin’ little rednecks, every one. Sigh. You gotta love them. Well, you don’t GOTTA love them, but sometimes they have a lot of guns so you should at least put up a good semblance of loving them to their faces.

    Third, I am deeply in love with Chuck, love all pictures of Chuck, would stalk Chuck if I had more time to do that–because he is so adorable and can sit with objects on his head, love the new picture of Chuck, and am horrified by the idea that someone thinks it would be great if Chuck ran away. Yuck, he who sent that e-mail–is a bad person whose soul needs a tremendous overhaul.

    Finally, I love it when you run the hatemail, Heather. These people are so very stupid. It’s enjoyable to see their stupidity on display so openly and hatefully. I’m especially in love with c’ant. How interesting that her mistake should look so much like another word, one that describes her personality …

    Also, maybe the contraction stuff is a new fad we don’t know about–a faddish desire to contract words in the wrong places.

    M’aybe i’t w’ll b’e e’very’where soon’ t’houg’h it wont b’e in the p’lace its actua’lly n’eeded.

    Ouch. It hurt to type that.

  • rose

    so anyway, how’s the poopin’ goin’?

  • Oh my god, Heather… I just can’t say enough how much I adore you!! Can we be BFF’s?

  • coraspartan

    Oh my God (and I’m not religious, by the way…hahaha), that picture of Chuck was the best picture EVER! Seriously. This may be my favorite post ever, too. My three favorite things about this post are (in list format for Paul, of course):

    1. Chuck’s photo. He looks fucking pissed that you’re taking his picture. My dog always looks ashamed when she’s taking a poop.

    2. The utter lack of understanding of proper grammer and spelling on the part of your hatemailers. Is it a requirement that all hatemailers be total morons? I’m sorry, but it really undermines their credibility.

    3. The comments on this post. Some of them made me laugh as hard as Chuck’s photo. I love the one where someone said that since they’re a vegetarian they must not have any emotion. Fantastic!

    I’m sorry, I know it’s wrong, but I LOVE your hatemail posts. They are the best! I really love your blog–keep at it; screw the haters!

  • Zandria

    I think it’s awesome how you take the “hate” out of “hate mail” by making it funny. That crap doesn’t have the power to hurt you (as much) when you share it, because other people can see how ridiculous, stupid, and untrue it really is.

    I wrote today about how it would be cool if someone made a blogumentary. I’m sure you’d definitely make it to the top of the “People We’d Like to See” list. 🙂

    http://zandria.us/archives/main/2007/03/16/wanted-blogumentary/

  • Your reply to Maurice was the BEST EVER!

    I cannot stop laughing.

  • Mel

    Well at least you are good at sucking dicks! I mean, you abuse your child but really all that matters would be your dick sucking quality. I bet you’re relived about that.

    Hate mail cracks me up.

    and p.s. who is the idiot who would turn down a chance to blog for money? Seriously though! They act like you are forcing them to read it.

  • 2shews

    Oh my goodness gracious. I was at a low snicker in the beginning. And then a chortle. And then, when I got to the dog thing, to quote my granddad, I “almost sh*t stuff I didn’t even eat.” That is the funniest thing I have seen in a while.

  • Kristen from MA

    ‘the cow that I ate last night must have been feeling very plump and juicy right before they chopped off his head.’

    that’s friggin’ hilarious! (and I say that as a vegetarian)

    also, MORE pictures of Chuck, please!

  • kirsten

    I seen your site. It r’ocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Amy Jo

    I haven’t read the above comments, but I know I’m not alone – thanks for that pic of Chuck! I’m still laughing.

  • Hope Rutten

    The picture of Chuck taking a dump is PRICELESS. Nothing says I love you like a dog pinching one out.

  • southerngirl

    I HATE those people who put Christmas wreaths on the front of their cars/trucks and I feel like it is my duty to walk up to them and point out how stupid it is for them to put wreaths on the front of their cars/trucks because I feel like it is a personal affront to me, despite that whole good tidings to men/women seasonal bullshit.

    Rock on, girlfriend. You da best.

  • One question for Maurice:

    What is ‘jeez oh pete’?

    If you’re going to throw an excalamatory phrase out there, just do it right and take the Lord’s name in vain.

  • gribblelite

    *laughing so hard I may turn my liver over*

    Thank you, oh, thank you for the laugh.

    Being from the extreme South (I capitalized that on purpose), I SO can relate to the comment from Deland. “I seen your story…”

    Shit, that is so rich, and so indicative to the inherant structure of one’s family tree. Meaning, it probably doesn’t fork.

    BTW, loved your quick post on Tuesday. Bad grammar and even worse spelling annoy the hell out of me, too.

    Two words: spell. check.

  • wildflower

    While I’ve been a reader for quite some time, your most recent hatemail post moved me to comment for the first time. I just had to tell you…

    I’ve decided to make the picture of Chuck the wallpaper for my computer. At work. This is how much I love my job. I’ll make sure to let you know how that works out for me. 🙂

    Also, I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. It’s something I look forward to reading every day. I appreciate your honesty, wit and sarcasm, among other things. Keep up the awesome work!!

    (p.s. – I didn’t read all of the comments, so if someone else has already taken my idea, I want to make sure they know I wasn’t trying to steal their thunder. Just didn’t have time to make it through all 471 of them!)

  • Love, just love the picture you posted of Chuck. Please don’t stop the chuck photos!

  • How come only some readers get the privy info on your dick-sucking skills? Do tell, Heather. Do tell.

    BEAVERS AND DUCKS!

  • wisteria

    I have been reading your blog for about 3 months. I forced my husband to read your post about cetaphil, and he has been talking about how you are the AWESOMEST. PERSON. EVER. ever since then. So, carry on.

  • jeanine

    The picture of Chuck is hilarious!

  • Great. I laughed so hard upon seeing the Chuck pic that I farted and the guy in the next cube heard.

    Now he wants to know what I was reading.

    Thanks…thanks a lot.

  • Tara

    I apologize if I’m repeating what others have said (my employer might notice if I stop to read 464 comments). . .

    I think SOME people might be a bit jealous of you because you’ve found a way to be successful by doing something you enjoy, without having to suck up to anyone else. For all you haters–why don’t you try this yourselves and see how hard it is before you go accusing Heather of being lazy and not having a real job? It’s not as easy as it looks.

    And Heather, the picture of Chuck taking a shit? PRICELESS. I damn near had french fries flying out of my nose at that one. (too bad I couldn’t get that on camera)

  • kc02917

    I feel the need to comment abt the “meat anxiety”. Every animal(beef in particular) I have ever consumed must have been IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING AN ORGASM, because, yes, they are THAT GOOD!

    I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. I wish I had an ounce of your writing talent. Thanks for keeping me laughing! I have no idea how my daughter naps through my reading your blog!

  • Tabbie

    First of all I’d like to say I have been reading your blog for years now (and believe me theres few things I can actually claim to have been doing for year) and I really appreciate the work you do on this site. You’re an amazingly entertaining writer and blogging suits your style more than any other form available. I can only imagine that your hate-mailers haven’t been exposed to many blogs and don’t understand that you’re not just talking about your personal problems on the web and trying to get sympathy, you’re helping a lot of people who have similar problems feel like they have someone out there like them. I’m not a mom but I want to be one someday and I think whenever I do I’ll look back at your posts about pregnancy, depression and Leta’s quirks and it will help me through.

    Until then I’ll enjoy reading about poop and Chuckles!

  • (I really should read the comments before adding. But I ain’t gonna.)

    So how can I, as a fairly new blogger, get hate mail? I don’t have a daughter to abuse (you lucky woman you!) but I do post cat pictures all the time, which you’d think would generate even MORE hate!

    I think your secret weapon is that you do make a living off of your creativity, which is clearly something that many moronic, illiterate and potty-mouthed ass-hats resent like hell. (me too – winky!)

  • I feel sure that should items of a feminine nature be free in utah they would almost certainly be of the large, bulky perhaps ‘with a belt’ type items ( and when I lived in utah I never heard anyone ever say Tampons or pads it was always
    ‘feminine items’) I am pretty sure that they wouldn’t encourage anything that was to be inserted, unless you are married and your husband was involved somehow. Just a thought. Also, stupid hate mail people? Sad.

  • Normally I don’t like laughing at fools, I’m too often in that catagory for it to be strictly comfortable. But that, Madame Dooce, made my day.

    There’s nothing like anger disguised as advice to remind me that I’m the only one who can live my life.

    Thanks for sharing the hate.

  • I l’ove the s’hot of C’huck “doocing” M’aurice.

    Perfect, errr…. P’erfect!

  • skeri

    You are so awesome! 😀

  • SaraSue

    Best picture of Chuck EVER! I hope this makes it to next year’s calendar.

  • Oh, how I love your hate mail Heather! Since I know that it takes approximately 1000 positive comments to get rid of the bad taste in ones mouth from one bad comment, I’d like to be a positive one when I say that it is so damn cool that you get paid to do this. If my ad revenue brought in enough to buy a bag of groceries I would be thrilled, but a house, a mortgage, cool lip gloss? You rock girl.

  • I feel like I have to apologise for the dumb vacant nothing-between-the-fuckin-ears mentality of those hatemailers. MY GOD some people are thick. And as for the repeat hatemailer – what the hell is up with that?? If you hate a website DON’T FUCKING VISIT IT. I’m in complete disbelief that these people can be so venomous, so stupid, and so damn rude. I laugh at their ridiculous emails, but at the same time I’m sad, and despondent that people can be so fucking vacant. As you can tell, it also gets me quite mad. The world doesn’t need that much bullshit!

    Would these people dare to say the above things to your face? Of course not. I would LOVE for someone to dare talk to me like that – I’d have them crying, tucked up into a ball in the corner within minutes. 😀

    I DETEST those spineless morons hiding behind what they think is anonymous email on the internet thinking they can abuse anyone they want. GET A FUCKING LIFE PEOPLE. You hate something? Change it – DO SOMETHING BETTER THEN. (just like the Honda advert!)

    On the plus side, I love that you can laugh at them Heather – I hope you’re well and your family is well. Including the lovely DORJ! And keep up with the Chuck photos please!! 🙂

  • Marly

    Heather.
    You are a joy! I love to read your posts.
    They make me laugh and smile.
    I think you, your family and dog are amazing.
    Thanks for not ever allowing the bull shit to bring you down. Or when is does, get medicated or drink or post some more.
    You rock!

  • Christie P

    As a faithful reader of your site (a good friend told me about your blog soon after Leta was born because my daughter is just a few months older), I finally feel compelled to post a comment on behalf of all those readers (I’m quite sure they’re out there) who love you, love your site, and can’t believe the kind of insane hatemail you have to put up with, but, like me, have never posted a comment or sent an email. We are just so grateful that you keep on writing, keep on taking pictures, and keep on sharing your messy, glorious life with us all. Thank you.

  • SueFromOhio

    Holy Shit! Some people are so mean! oh wait, I meant, SUM PEEPL R SO MEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Mean and dumb…and I have 30 EXCLAMATION POINTS!

    If it weren’t for your writing, I wouldn’t know that I’m normal. Thanks Heather…and tell Chuck, I hope he didn’t blow out his O ring on that one! BAHAHAHAHAAAAA

  • g

    You know…I just REALLY wanted to hear about that sinus infection.

  • jaclyng

    Hey Heather. My friend turned me on to your website two years ago and since then I feel like I know your family and check-in on you a few times a week to see how ya’ll are doing. Strange, in a new-agey cyber-world kind of one-way relationship-thing. (My husband regularly mocks me for this.) Two things: first, TOTALLY AWESOME job getting Starbucks as a sponser. THAT TOTALLY ROCKS! (yes, I am from So.Cal.) Second, that ‘I bet your mama can fry up a chicken’ thing screams of racism to me. It’s almost as if you are using the fact that you think he is african-american (yes, I do live in So.Cal.) as slam against him. I’m not criticizing or judging; live and let live, baby. But I was taken aback and wanted to exercize my right to call you on it. (yes, I do live…)

  • YOU GIVE ME MORE PICTURES OF CHUCK-CHUCK BO-BUCK OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.

    Love,

    WM

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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