An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


Back in 1998 when I was living in downtown Salt Lake City, in a pretty sketchy neighborhood, or I guess as sketchy as a neighborhood in Utah could possibly be (where people smoke cigarettes! and drink tea!), someone broke into my four-door Honda Accord and stole my state-of-the-art JVC cassette stereo. And I was hopping mad about it until I noticed that the thief had broken in through one of those small triangular windows in the backseat, making the clean-up and repair minimal. He could have smashed any of the four bigger windows, or even the windshield, but he didn’t. He cared that much.

That is a thief making his mama proud.

I should have opened up comments on my last post (so I will on this one) because many of you have sent me stories of your own encounters with car thieves, and my God, they are too good to keep to myself. Like this one from Alyssa:

My friend and her boyfriend were driving across the country back to college with an entire carload of stuff when the car was stolen.

They were stranded in Arizona, but managed to get back to Chicago where they got a call that the car had been recovered.

There was almost nothing left of the carload of stuff, save for one thing – every last book.

So at least we can rest easy knowing that the thieves have our crap, but we can kick their asses on Jeopardy.

Shit. You’ve gotta believe something.

Jon and I heard recently that Utah has one of the largest rates of car stereo theft in the country, and we were sitting around trying to figure out why, what is it about Utah? And why car stereos? And the only thing we could come up with is that thieves in Utah are so inbred — see: a history of half-brothers and sisters getting it on at the compound — that they are too dumb to know how to steal anything of real value. LIKE THE ACTUAL CAR. And when I think about it that way it just makes Utah seem so cute.

  • My friends got married a couple of months ago. They were due to go on their honeymoon early the next morning and made a special effort to get the wedding presents out the car that night. Luckily they did because the car was missing when they went to leave for their honeymoon.

    The car has since turned up and they were able to talk the airline into getting them on a later flight.

  • Aunt Jenny

    My honey is currently in Detroit on business four days a week, and yesterday his sunglasses AND BOTTLE OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS were stolen from his hotel room.

    Housekeeping CLEARLY knew not the hell they were unleashing…

  • Oh yes…

    Theres no way to say this nicely, but I am a total slob and when I don’t regularly clean my car, the side storage compartments get filled up with tissues. One day I moved the tissues into a rubbish bag, which I put in the compartment in the back seat.

    So my car got broken into one day, WHILE LOCKED IN A CAR PARK WITH A BARBED WIRE AROUND IT, which I will never understand. They clearly went to great lengths to get to my car, as it was the only car in the carpark. My 1984 Ford Laser Gertie, as dirty and sexy as she is.

    So the next day, when I went to get my car, I KNEW I had locked it. And it was open. Turned out they went through EVERY damn thing in my car. They turned out every dirty tissue, so they were lying all throughout the car. Bags of them. Every single freakin’ tissue, nothing was left upturned. Did they think I was hiding diamonds in there?

    So I guess the only thing they actually got from that was the flu. Oh, and about 50c and $18 blue lights at the front of my car. Of course it cost like, $70 to fix the door.

    My boyfriend has also had his car broken into twice in the last two years…once they broke the side panel as well, but he wasn’t quite as accepting as you were.

  • Catsoup

    Good Lo’. Here’s the weird part: you get your stuff stolen in Utah, but not in the world capital of car theft and all around crunk mess, Memphis.

    I’ve lived in and around it for 34 years now. I know.

  • Like another poster – I left my keys in the door lock of my car near the corner of Rush and Division in Chicago (really busy night-life neighborhood). I stayed over at the b-friend’s apartment and come morning couldn’t find my keys. Yup! Someone had tucked them neatly between the door handle so it didn’t look to conspicuous. That was nice.

    During my wedding reception, my car was broken into and my CD player stolen. Not so nice!

    cheers, all!

  • Shannon

    While I was still in college, my car got broken into . . . in my parents driveway . . . while we were all at home! They took the face plate off my radio, cracked part of my dash before they realized they weren’t getting the whole stereo without actually removing the dash, and took my cell phone charger. Cell phone chargers, by the way, aren’t covered by car insurance, but homeowner’s insurance. With a really high deductible. When the new face plate finally arrived, we discovered that they had also taken the trim ring that goes around the face of the radio to make it look pretty. You know, because that may be of some value. The entire book of approximately 100 CDs in my car? Still there. Go figure. After paying to replace the charger that wasn’t covered, my neighbors found it in their bushes a few weeks later. I just couldn’t believe someone had broken into my car right there outside my bedroom window. Creeped me out totally. Jerk.

  • one hot mama

    The best car break in story I know of happened to a friend of mine that was living in Southie (Boston) at the time. She was parked on the street and had a bunch of stuff on her passenger seat that she needed to mail, including thank you notes from her wedding. Among the missing items was all of that mail, including the thank you notes. She was pretty peeved about having to write them all again on top of dealing with being broken into. But guess what? About a week later she found out that people had received their thank yous. Apparently whoever broke into her car was thoughtful enough to mail the notes for her.

  • CuteIvan

    Many years ago a car my then-boyfriend (now husband) was keeping for a friend was stolen in Austin; once recovered, we discovered the joy-riding car thieves had only taken our mixed tapes and the book “Ways of Seeing” by John Berger, which I had not finished and have never gotten again, although I was enjoying it… More recently my parents’ car was expertly broken into while we were all in San Antonio; we couldn’t even tell how they had gotten in! They took all the good stuff like our digital cameras and my mother’s purse. Despite all of the frustration and pain-in-the-ass-itude it caused my mother to cancel all of her credit cards, etc., the upside is that their insurance reimbursed us a ridiculously large amount for our old crappy camera so we only had to spend a little more to get a Nikon D50! Yippee!

  • Muffy Wong

    Instead of giving you the details, PLEASE read this blog post a friend of mine wrote about a friend of HERS who experienced some true “car ma”

  • A friend of mine, an English professor, was moving across the country with a car full his worldly possessions, including a collection of rare books. (You can see where this is going, maybe?) Thieves broke in and stole everything but the only things worth thousands and thousands of dollars.

  • Joe

    ok THAT ends it.

  • Evanzstox

    We had a black Honda. It was a magnet for theft. The H’s were ripped off the wheels a zillion times, the doors broken, and stupid items stolen such as a $5.00 crystal charm and my lip smackers. One night a bastard thief tried to steal the car by jamming a screwdriver down the ignition, the damn screw driver broke off and the Honda was left lifeless, causing over $800.00 in damage. A year later, another fool tried to take it but did not succeed. That thief only caused about $500.00 in damages.

    3 years later, once the Honda was paid off, and moments after my husband put an ad in the paper to sell it, the Honda that we named after a Disney princess was finally stolen, never to be seen again. It was a relief, to finally have the Honda pass on. The most upsetting part was that I left a punch card from Beans and Brews (my favorite coffee shop) inside the Honda, and I only needed one more punch for a free coffee.

    Every now and again I think I see our Honda driving in the distance, I have crossed over highway islands, and have nearly been hit by Tracks (utah train) while trying to get a good look, but Jasmine is never there, only a fragment of my imagination, or the Honda’s way of letting us know she is all right.

  • janet

    I can’t beat the 666 plate or the neon blue rabbit vibrator. I haven’t laughed this loudly in awhile. Thanks.

    I received an 18 lb. ham for Christmas from the really generous hotel/casino I worked at in Vegas. The thing was frozen solid. Since even in December living in Vegas is kin to camping on the sun, I threw it in the back of my Buick Skyhawk hatchback figuring the sucker would thaw out by the time I got home.

    I had a few errands. Oh all right, I stopped at my then asshole gambling addict good-for-nothing boyfriend’s apartment. Upon leaving, the window of my hatchback was busted and the HAM WAS GONE. Why the ham? What was I supposed to tell the police? They broke into my car and stole my ham?

    I was forced to eat the 49 cent 24-hour Palace Station big ham breakfast the rest of Christmas break.

  • sneakyleq

    When I was a teenager I worked as a hostess. One night I had parked behind the restaurant in the alley where the busboys were contantly going in and out to throw out the trash so I figured it was safe enough since all the other employees parked back there.
    When my shift ended I got in my car, closed the door, and a bunch of glass had slid onto my lap. I couldn’t figure out what had happened as everything appeared to be intact and nothing stolen. I finally realized that someone had poked a hole around where my registration and inspection sticker were and stolen my newly updated stickers! Bastards! It cost me almost $300 to replace my window which was a fortune to a starving college student!

  • >^..^<

    They steal shit in Utah? I just moved to Utah from California and was hoping to get away from that sort of thing. I feel bad that at your nice, new home you can’t even feel safe …. goddamn Mormons! At least they TIDELY broke into your car …. must have been a frustrated housewife in serious need of some erotic tunes (“Hey little thing let me light your candle, cause ‘a’ mama I’m so hard to handle now, mess around ….”).

  • Flambo

    While I was living in L.A., my car had several things happen to it in a 12-month period: It was stolen (then recovered), broken into, vandalized, backed into, then sued for a silly accident that didn’t actually happen. Oh wait – I was sued, not the car. The car was apparently my accomplice.

    But the single ray of light in the sea of all these stupid events was this…

    …As I was walking towards my car one morning, noticing the mess of broken glass on the road by the passenger door, the one thought in my mind was: “They better not have taken my brand new black leather knee-high Nine West boots, goddamnit.”

    Sure enough, there they were, still in their silver box in the back seat of my battered Honda Civic. All my change and mixed tapes, however? Gone.

    I didn’t care. I may have had to drive around with a broken window and sit on shards of glass, but I could do it while looking hot in those knee-high boots.

  • Has Mormonism become so oppressive that they’re having to steal iPods to hear the latest music to dry-hump to? My goodness…so glad I left the church years ago.

    Used to live in Houston, back in the days where cell phones were as big as a small child. My dad had big Lincoln Town Car, and the thieves smashed his front windshield – stole this HUGE freakin bag cell phone, some ninja sword things he had in the back seat (don’t ask), the CB radio, the stereo, ripped the antennaes off the car – but left Dad’s .45 pistol laying on the front seat, totally untouched.

    Then they flattened all the tires – and keyed the car. Too bad Dad didn’t show up in time to shoot the dumbasses.

  • My mother’s Volkswagon Beatle was stolen; my father’s entire wardrobe was in the trunk. Since this was the mid-70s, I can only assume that the thieves were performing a public service….

  • e.toiles

    i have never had my car broken into – but my sister has – had her entire stereo ripped out plus all the little speakers she replaced the factory ones with.

    my grandmother’s house was broken into. they came in through the back by cutting the screen door and picking the lock. the neighbors behind watched the entire process – even as they were carting everything out of the house – and said they thought they were out of town guests. they mistook the costume jewelry for the real thing and grandma made out with the platinum diamond “encrusted” watch and all the rest of her diamonds from a bazillion years ago. but she’s crazy locked up now.

    i had all my clothes plus the 150 bucks my mother gave me to go to the beach with my two dude friends stolen from our towel while i was probably 10 feet away in the ocean. who wants dirty underwear and a 15 year old’s jeans with 25 cent flip flops?

    my best friend and her mother were held at gun point after coming back from an indian dance recital (her mother teaches indian dance after having been in an arranged marriage there for years) with all her REAL gold costume jewelry on. if you don’t know about indian jewelry for that situation, it’s all over you. this was on the street of their house in an area well known for safety.

    i however have left my passenger side window down with all sorts of valuables in the car and my cd player, complete with faceplate, all night long until noon the next day – with nothing touched. the worst that has happened is i found a very nice cocktail dress laying on my hood a couple weeks later. i gave it to goodwill.

    all this happened in Birmingham, AL (except for the beach, which was in Gulf Shores, AL)- which was recently named the 5th most dangerous city in america. good ol balyama.

    p.s. huffing static guard? i use that on my hair and accidentally breathing it in makes me want to vomit. it’s like it puts a coating of …static guard… in my nostrils. yuck.

  • Oh, I forgot to mention that I went to college in Detroit for 4 years. And only one break-in, and the break-in occurred in the burbs, not the city! It still surprises me.

  • coraspartan

    Only one of my vehicles has been broken into. The driver side window was smashed and our radar detector was stolen. Two things about this are remarkable:

    1. Our insurance company actually sent someone out to fix the window THAT DAY–within an hour or so after I called them to report it. I couldn’t believe it! AllState rocked! (Until I realized their rates were so ridiculous that I could have put my son through college on the premiums I was paying them.)

    2. I live in a suburb of Detroit, yes Detroit, Michigan, and my car has only been broken into once! I know most Americans believe that Detroit is the most dangerous city in the U.S. (even if it’s not), so this is my attempt to refute that belief with cold, hard facts. I can’t believe these people in San Fran or even Utah whose cars have been broken into multiple times, and yet me, the Detroit area dweller, still only once!

  • bbireley

    The reason that Utah has such a high incidence of car theft is simple – drug use (specifically meth). Utah is ranked among the highest for meth use in the country and the average meth habit costs between $200-$400 a day. I’m no math whiz, but I would guess that gets pretty expensive pretty fast and the average meth user isn’t making that money legitimately, know what I’m saying? Most either steal (such as car or identity theft) or trade (for other drugs, or by prostitution).

    Utah is awesome, right? The next time you think “oh drug use doesn’t really affect me” – think again.

  • Aimee

    About five years ago, I accidentally left my car unlocked over night. The next morning I was running late for work (of course) and it was raining. I ran out to my car, noticed that the door was cracked open and my front seat was soaked. I thought, “Aimee, you idiot! You left the freakin’ door open!” I ran back in to the house to get a towel for the seat. After getting everything settled, I’m starting the car and noticed that it looked a little more trashed than usual. There were receipts and maxi pads all over the floor of the passenger seat. Then I thought, “Wow! The wind from the storm blew my glove compartment open. Dang!” OK, this is where the light starts to come on and I begin to realize what has really happened. I looked all through the car to see what had been taken. Luckily, there was nothing of value in the car (the stereo had already been stolen).

    BUT HERE’S THE KICKER: As I got out of my car, I noticed there was something propped up on the trunk. After rubbing my eyes several times to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, I saw that it was a note that the theif had scribbled onto an old receipt. To make sure I saw the note, he or she left behind his/her flashlight propped just right to shine on the note. And it said, “Hey Bitch. Next time leave some money in the car or I’m gonna kill you. XOXO” Just kidding about the XOXO, but the rest is verbatim. I still have the note in a scrapbook somewhere next to the hilarious police report.

    Yeah, Houston rocks.

  • Not a car story, but weird thievery story nonetheless:

    I was teaching English in South Korea and was about a month away from returning to Canada when someone broke into my apartment. I was paid once a month in cash and had not made it to the bank yet, so there was a wad of about $1500 under my bed.

    They took about $70 and left the rest. And then peed in my water bottle in the fridge.

  • Yeah, I agree.

    The bunny vibrator wins.

  • Bajagirl

    Three weeks ago I had my car broken into in Downtown Memphis. I grew up in midtown so I have no fears about downtown but I was very irritated by what happened. Instead of breaking my window which would have been much better, they took a screwdriver and hammer to the passenger lock. So now my passenger door has no lock. But the best part is what they stole: 1) a box of 4 free cook books 2) the wireless adapter to my ipod – which never really worked 3) a can of fix a flat. All together less than $75 worth of stuff.

    But the really best part, the next afternoon my toolshed was broken into and my lawnmower and cordless edger (without the plug) were stolen.

  • PaulE

    I have had my car broken into twice. The first time the would be robber tried to pull the locks out of both the driver and passenger doors. That happened on a Sunday morning, Monday morning locksmith comes out and replaces both the locks. As luck would have it, the robber came back late that night and was able to pull the lock out of the passenger door. After all that work to get in the car, the only thing missing was a $5 flash light. The second time some guy broke into 4 cars at the apartment was living at the time. Cops were able to determine the order in which he went. The cell phone in car 1 was in car 2. The purse that was in car 2 was in car 3 and the tools, of which he used to smash the window, from car 3 were found in my car, with my dash ripped apart, stereo missing and if it wasn’t for the paper boy doing his rounds, my amp that was half ripped out would have been stolen too.

  • bonkersmomof4

    About 10 years ago, my husband worked in a very sketchy part of town (okay, what part of Memphis isn’t sketchy?) and his Hyundai was broken into in the (gated) parking lot. What was stolen? A $10 umbrella stroller from Walmart, and MY BIBLE! For heaven’s sake, why would you steal a Bible? Obviously, theives NEED one, but to steal it????

  • Chicago

    Broke into house. Stole CD’s. Took bottle of wine, but left it on the counter by the door. Only to find out, all the actual CD’s were in the car. Thieves just got 100 empty cases!

  • Pnutsugar

    Two weeks ago, my mother went to the hospital, had a stroke the following morning, and remains in ICU. My father had to be taken to a nursing home as he is in final stages of Alzheimer’s and couldn’t be left alone. My sister drove there, I flew and rented a car which I turned in the following day.

    After a week of hand-wringing in ICU, cleaning up their house and searching for the documents and bills our mom had hidden from our dad, making funeral arrangements for both, and writing our dad’s name on all clothes and everything else for the nursing home, it’s a week later and we are loading my sister’s car to head home and back to our jobs and lives.

    Mind you…her car does not have automatic locks so it’s all gotta be done manually and I had been guilty of not locking it before in the week we had been there. She had left the driver’s side open, clear up in the driveway of the house we grew up in, in a small Midwestern town, and that morning found everything out of the glove box on the front passenger seat. Only things taken were an old, unactivated cell phone and a new car charger she had just gotten for the trip which was for her current phone…and won’t work on the stolen one. But they left her digital camera in its case in a cubby on the console.

    Like we hadn’t been through enough, just the thought of someone being in the car in the few hours we had slept…and the whole neighborhood is now pretty elderly so they must be easy pickings.

    The old guy across the street stopped to ask about our parents and he said some guy had approached him the day before in the yard and asked for money. Maybe he just tried to help himself in my sister’s car.

  • Sorry about the break-in! I just read in Playboy that Utah is 50th in the country for alchohol consumption but number 1 in prescription pain killers… and I thought of you.

  • Our car was broken into about a month ago and, much like in your situation, it was broken into the one night I forgot to lock the it. The inside of our car was trashed, as in, random things from the glove compartment were strewn everywhere, including napkins and dog cookies and 300 old grocery lists and I still don’t know what they were looking for exactly because I am boring housewife who drives her car to starbucks and the grocery store. Surely our car was a huge disappointment because all that was in it was my blue yoga jacket, a baby seat and cd’s from 1994 that are so uncool that I am kind of embarrassed there is a dirty car thief out there who knows I still listen to Nirvana.

  • I just found your web site (and love it), and had to comment with a story about my car getting broken into:

    In summer of 2005, I woke up one morning to my cell phone ringing. My stepfather was calling to tell me that he was at the vet, and our cat Snickers was being put down because she just wasn’t doing well anymore (she was down to about 3 lbs and very very sick). When I went to get into my car to go to the vet, I realized tht all my CDs were missing, and my Dooney and Bourke (which I had left in the car the night before) was not there. Yes, stupid to leave my purse in the car. Turns out, I had left the car unlocked all night. A couple hours later, I got a call on my cell phone from a woman about 20 minutes from my house saying that she had my purse, wallet, and everything was in it. I was SO thankful. And now, I am absolutely ANAL about two things: locking my doors as I get out of the car, and not leaving my purse in the car.

    I’m sorry that you guys lost some stuff from your car. Your story is similar to mine – the ONE time you leave your car unlocked just happens to be the night that someone decides to break into your car. WTF!

    Have a great (read: better) rest of the week!

  • Rene

    My thievery story begins not with a car but another mode of transport – a bicycle. The city police knocked on the door of a house where I was living with my boyfriend and his roommates one day. Our roommate answered the door to find a policeman kindly returning his bicycle, which he didn’t even realize had been stolen. The police said that they caught convict (on an attempted MURDER! charge), who escaped from the city jail, riding the bicycle around our neighborhood. Apparently, the escaped convict found our house appealing because it was set back from the road and not easily visible from the street. As he looked around, he considered the following options: 1) to break into the basement (only accessible from outside) and hide out there, 2) spend the night in a tent set up just outside a wooded area behind the house where my boyfriend and I had a pretend camp-out a few nights before or 3) steal the bike and ride to freedom. Luckily, no one was home with the fugitive arrived and he took the bike instead of waiting for us in the basement … or the TENT!

  • About ten years ago, I parked my banged-up heap of a Dodge Omni in the parking lot at Summerfest here in Milwaukee (you’d like Summerfest by the way. 10 days of beer and devil music), and someone broke in as I was enjoying the bash. The thing is, there was nothing in my car to steal at that point other than a broken Pokemon watch and an empty bottle of bug spray that I’d not gotten around to tossing in the trash. The funny thing is, that’s exactly what they swiped.

    To this day, I honestly don’t know whether or not they were thieves, or a gang of unsatisfied mothers that broke into my car to tidy the place up a bit.

  • My friend had a Jeep Wrangler, you know, with zip off windows? Instead of unzipping the windows to steal his stereo, the theif tried to break the door lock- unsuccessfully- and then sliced through the plastic window to get inside the car.
    My friend told me he didn’t care so much about the stereo, but that the theif could, at least, have done it without ruining the windows.


    went to a concert afew years ago in a bad part of detroit, my friend had a coded key pad to open her doors, so we thought leaving the keys under the seat so we didn’t have to carry them was a great idea..(not the type of concert you’d take a purse) after we came out of the concert her lock had been popped off, the cd player, cd’s my overnight bag and anything possible was gone. the car wldn’t start, the thiefs tried to steal the car by breaking the cylinoid? all the while the keys were under the seat!!! some friends who were also @ the concert came to the rescue and started the car. we were so lucky not to get stranded in that ‘hood that late @night…moral of the story watch where you park when going to harpos…

  • I had my car broken into when I lived in a really sketchy area of Long Beach. It may sound corny, but I felt really violated by the experience. For days, I would stand by the barred windows of my apartment and think, “They got into the car. How long until they get into here?”

  • Wayward Goddess

    My car break in story happen back in 1993 when I was still in high school. In fact, it happen in the high school parking lot. What makes it even better is, the school vice principal helped them break into my car. See then went to the office and told them they locked their keys in their car. So the VP gave them the office slim jim to pop the lock. they went out, popped my lock, helped themselves then kindly returned the slim jim to the office. So, what did they steal? My purse, which had nothing in it, a pack of Camel Lights and a zippo lighter which had my name, KIM, engraved in it.
    So, later that week, my boyfriend is in the bathroom and asks for a light off these guys were were semi-friendly with. What does he pull out of his pocket but MY LIGHTER. Then hands it to MY BOYFRIEND! So that was how they were busted. I had them arrested and we went to court over it. The legal system being so grand – they actually told the judge that the doors weren’t locked so they didn’t actually “break in”. They got off scott free and I got a lecture on the importance of locking up my belongings.

  • Penny

    We lost a dear friend in a roll over accident last year. He had his iPod on the front seat, and the cop remembered seeing it when he first got to the scene. One of the towing company lackeys took it, even after the personal stuff in the car had been inventoried. (Tampering with evidence.) Our friend’s wife finally got it back about a month short of one year after the accident. (3 felonies and the dork only got community service.) Well, kid had tried to upload his gangsta rap onto it, but didn’t do it right, so he couldn’t even use it! What a retard! Let’s steal stuff from a dead guy and really piss off his family and friends!

    (Sorry this is kind of incoherent, rage turns off the speech centers of my brain.)

  • When my Ford was within mere months of brand-new, it was sitting in the service department at a dealership, factory alarm system and all. My “Thief” (presumably a dealership employee) went to the trouble to get the *keys* and use the *remote* to dis-arm the alarm in order to remove the factory Ford stereo, including both pieces out of the dash AND the amp & disc changer out of the trunk.

    As if that wasn’t enough, they were kind enough to slash up the back seat and rear speakers with a box knife, which they left in the car when they were done. Yeah, good job, asshole. What’d ya get out of that? At least you can SELL a stolen stereo, what’s either one of us going to do with a cut-up seat?

    At least they re-armed the alarm when they were done…

  • Joe

    That ends it.

  • shannonO

    Just recently a musician friend of mine (and you know how musicians are usually just rollin’ in the dough) had his car broken into. In his car he had ALL of his hardware for his drum kit among other electronic equipment from the last show his band played. If that wasn’t bad enough, on his front seat was his college class schedule and and a few bills – bills that had his home address.
    That night, while he was in a music lab at school, they came back, stole his car, drove to his house, broke into his house and stole THE REST of his gear. Thousands of dollars worth of music equipment! They found the car the next day with the wheels stolen and the engine block ripped apart.

    He’s since had to move.
    From someone who’s also had her car broken into, PEOPLE CAN BE JUST TERRIBLE.

  • Elena

    Just last night someone broke into our new car and stole the satellite radio. We both wept.

  • Pettyfog

    My story isn’t about a car break-in, but it may bring some joy to anyone who’s ever had their stuff stolen.

    My husband and I were leaving a grocery store at 10:30 one night when my purse was grabbed by some guys in a moving car. I probably looked like an easy mark, and I was. They yanked me right off my feet. My husband is 5’10”, weighs 135, and looks like the typical computer geek, so the thieves probably thought he wouldn’t give them any trouble. Besides, they were in a moving car, so what could anyone do to them?

    What they didn’t know was that my husband has a black belt in karate and lightning-fast reflexes. As soon as he figured out what had happened, he jumped into the open window of the car and started beating the crap out of the guy who had taken my purse. Everyone in the car, including the driver, panicked. The car peeled out trying to find a way out of the parking lot, with my husband hanging out of the car window still punching the purse-snatching passenger and trying to recover my purse.

    Fortunately, the driver of the car had to slow down in order to avoid jumping the curb and hitting a building, and my husband took the opportunity to bail out, with only minor scrapes.

    Two weeks later, a road maintenance worker found my purse in a ditch. Inside was my wallet with all of my credit cards and my driver’s licence (my keys were in my coat pocket). The thieves got away with $1.32 in change and my checkbook, which they never used.

    It was pretty scary at the time, but now I get a lot of satisfaction out of that story.

  • Tesky

    I had my faceplate stolen last year. Same deal, they broke the little triangle window. I installed the stereo myself and added a couple extra bolts to keep it from jiggling, who knew it would save the stereo. Got a new faceplate and now I only have to live with the crowbar marks.

    BTW, go to ebay and type in ‘JVC faceplate’. They’re selling for around $20 or less. If they had a clue they’d steal the alternator.

  • teri

    I recently had my purse stolen out of my car while I walked my dogs in the park, in broad daylight, with about 100 other people at the park. The better story, however, belongs to my dad. A few years ago, he was working for an ad agency and during a lunch break, decided to run into a convenience store but left his car running since, brr, it was cold outside. When he came back out, he noticed a car that looked “exactly like his” driving away. Indeed, it was his car and in the back seat? $50,000 worth of film for a commercial shoot they had just completed. He did the walk of shame back to his agency and was promptly fired. That night, he heard a car in the driveway. HIS car. The thieves came back with his set of keys and stole their other car which was exactly 4 days old. My dad eventually recovered both cars, only because an astute policewoman thought it was strange that 4 kids were driving a brand new Jeep on donut tires. When she checked, it wasn’t even in their records that the car was stolen. The cars were a little dented and beyond dirty, but inside the CD player was a gospel CD and a recording of a preacher’s sermon. Nice that the thieves had found jesus. Later on that same week, my dad’s wife left him, his mother died and his dog had to be put to sleep. Things since have definitely improved!

  • Julie

    Ok the vibrator story wins…hands down that’s *the* funniest thing I’ve read in days! I can’t stop laughing and I’m at work!

  • When I was in college in Dayton, OH someone broke into my car & rummaged through all my cassettes, apparently they didn’t think much in my tast of music because they didn’t take anything!

  • Teakerr

    Ah Dooce, I think what would piss me off the most is that you are new to this neigborhood and now it will always feel a little different to you, not quite as safe and kind. People who steal suck!
    I used to park at the Rose bowl every morning while I lived in Pasadena, Ca. so that I could go for a walk. While gone from the car for the 45 minutes it took me to walk around the Bowl some losers tried to cut the lock out of the passenger side door. Looked like they attacked it with a can opener.
    They didn’t get in. But, what did I have in the car? NOTHING. A car seat, a bag of garbage that you could plainly see was garbage, and no radio. Someone must have really wanted my quality 1986 Subaru wagon. In 2006. What a world.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more