An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


Back in 1998 when I was living in downtown Salt Lake City, in a pretty sketchy neighborhood, or I guess as sketchy as a neighborhood in Utah could possibly be (where people smoke cigarettes! and drink tea!), someone broke into my four-door Honda Accord and stole my state-of-the-art JVC cassette stereo. And I was hopping mad about it until I noticed that the thief had broken in through one of those small triangular windows in the backseat, making the clean-up and repair minimal. He could have smashed any of the four bigger windows, or even the windshield, but he didn’t. He cared that much.

That is a thief making his mama proud.

I should have opened up comments on my last post (so I will on this one) because many of you have sent me stories of your own encounters with car thieves, and my God, they are too good to keep to myself. Like this one from Alyssa:

My friend and her boyfriend were driving across the country back to college with an entire carload of stuff when the car was stolen.

They were stranded in Arizona, but managed to get back to Chicago where they got a call that the car had been recovered.

There was almost nothing left of the carload of stuff, save for one thing – every last book.

So at least we can rest easy knowing that the thieves have our crap, but we can kick their asses on Jeopardy.

Shit. You’ve gotta believe something.

Jon and I heard recently that Utah has one of the largest rates of car stereo theft in the country, and we were sitting around trying to figure out why, what is it about Utah? And why car stereos? And the only thing we could come up with is that thieves in Utah are so inbred — see: a history of half-brothers and sisters getting it on at the compound — that they are too dumb to know how to steal anything of real value. LIKE THE ACTUAL CAR. And when I think about it that way it just makes Utah seem so cute.

  • EEE

    I assume that they steal the face plate because in some other car they’ve managed to steal the stereo WITHOUT the face plate…and they can match them up and sell the pair.

  • Can’t wait to read all the other tales of victimization! Here are my family’s top 3:

    * My parents’ old Suburban was stolen from my dad’s workplace. A colleague saw a young man driving it and assumed it was my brother, who was twelve at the time. Oops. It turned up four days later on top of a huge pile of dirt at a construction site at Newark Airport, unscathed. My dad’s Club was still sitting on the front seat where he left it.

    * My uncle left his Chevy Beretta idling at the curb while he stepped out and bought the Sunday papers 6 feet away under the awning of the corner store. A youngster jumped in and drove off — d’oh! A week later it was recovered by the cops, intact, with an empty gas tank and a trunk full of baseball equipment, golf clubs, a Yankees Starter jacket, etc. Only thing missing? His soundtrack tape to “La Bamba.”

    * My own story has a sad ending. Staying over with college friends in Yardley, PA for one night, I left my zippered case with my Walkman and 10 favorite mixtapes in the backseat. Next morning, gone — along with the sunroof and stereo. The police suspected neighborhood kids…one of which hopefully enjoyed my one-off, hand-notated, Pixies-heavy masterpieces. Sigh.

  • SweetPea

    I used to live in “The Hood” part of Minneapolis. I’ve been mugged, had things stolen out of my car and everything else you can think of. But I think the best thief was the one who stole my double stroller out of the back of my minivan, and the cell phone that I had accidentally left in the console. The intelligent thief decided to make some phone calls on my phone to brag about their huge, child-friendly loot– TO THEIR HOUSE. Seriously. When the cops went over there to get ’em, they found a baby daddy pushing his two babies, and his baby momma walking alongside in her tank top, sweat pants and slippers chatting away on my cell phone.

  • Half the Kidneys Twice the Fun

    So Once I was drunk on pain killers post surgery, wandering around a grocery store, forgetting what I needed and wandering over to the opposite side of the store after I remembered I had needed something (this repeated for like 45 minutes). A

    fter I checked out, I could NOT find my car keys. Turns out, they were IN my Car, with my Car turned ON, RUNNING. For like 45 minutes.

    I am a freakin’ genius.

  • Nikki

    How’s this for idiotic? Back in 1996, some teens broke into the future hubby’s 91 Firebird. We go walking outside in the not so great city of Newark in the even less great state of Delaware so that future hubby could drive me home before curfew. I was 17 and that is important later on, anyway, when we walked up to the car it just didn’t look right and that was because they had busted the passenger side window out. So we look around and realize that one of fh’s replica reenactment swords is sticking out of the neighbor’s yard. That’s when we realized what had happened. He goes inside, calls the police and we go through all that mess. Meanwhile, I’m ok going through the car and seeing that the idiots took the broken cd player WITH faceplate but am pissed that they took the walkman that had the Monty Python tape in it. I look over and see that it wasn’t enough to bust in and steal those things, oh no, they had to bust the driver’s seat, slash the interior of the roof, dump sauce packets on the seat and be all around jackasses. Those things served as reminders until the day we traded the car in about 2 years later but I was ok with all of that until I realized they had taken my purse which is when I was outside with a mag-light looking for them. So, fh calms me down, continues going through the car and busts up laughing. It seems as they were going through the car towards the back, they came across the sword before they came across the laptop sitting right the hell underneath it!

    I actually went through the pain in the ass process of restitution and the joke of a program called VOMP, Victim Offender Mediation Program. DE has this idea that if you give the criminals a chance to pay you back for the damage and give the victim a chance to yell at the criminal, all is well with the world. It is NOT by any means. I had to fight nonstop to get a measly $45 bucks back and fh never even got the money back to fix his car or cover the loss of his stuff. The worst part to me out of all of it was having the “representative” of the two guys tell my mother that we needed to be understanding of their situation. Both boys were young, had single mothers and needed patience. That would be where my mother and I had to disagree especially when it turned out that said boys were the same age as me. Here I was, 17 years old, a senior in high school, working evenings at MBNA so I could have money to go and buy the things I wanted. In my case, those things were food, clothes, you know basic necessities because my alcoholic father had terminal colon cancer and wasn’t working and since he was self employed his entire life because he didn’t want to work anyway there was no money coming in there. My mother worked an hour away for income that is considered just past the poverty level and that left ME to watch the younger siblings. I’m sorry, at what point am I supposed to feel sorry for two assholes that were walking along and decided to go shopping at someone else’s expense? I’m still waiting on VOMP’s answer to that.

  • HorribleReality

    I was living in an apartment community that a bunch of wannabe gang members hung around (I say wannabe because it’s the fucking suburbs…a couple miles northeast you hit farming communities) I had gotten my first non peice of shit car, a 2000 geo prizm, nothing flashy, not even electric windows. The first week I had it they tried to break in ….by fishing a screwdriver around in the keyhole trying to get after my factory am/fm radio. Thats all that was in the car. Well because they were half ass gangsters they couldn’t even get in! I couldn’t open my door from that side, it wasn’t enough for my insurance to care about but too much for a poor college student to fix….for 3 years I got in my car through the passenger door. I can’t tell you how much now that I have a new car that I appreciate not having a parking brake go up my ass everytime I get in the car.

  • jennm926

    I honestly think you haven’t owned a car unless you’ve had something stolen out of it…

    When I was in college, my boyfriend had his car broken into while we were out at a club. Here’s a rundown of what was taken:
    1. His sweatshirt
    2. Tapes & CDs
    3. Leftover food from dinner. Yes, half-eaten, leftover food.
    4. Change from ashtray.

    Everything else was left intact. What really sucked is that he parked the car on the street not more than ten feet from the entrance to the club. The thief broke the window closest to the club entrance, and no one saw a thing.

    To the complete OPPOSITE end — when I was very, very young, my dad had this van that he used to joke was so ugly – NO ONE would steal it. To prove his point, he left the keys in the ignition at all times. I remember going to the mall with him and him leaving the van in the parking lot, windows down, doors unlocked and keys in the ignition. Two hours later, we left the mall. They took the ashtray off the dashboard, but the van was intact. I guess he was right!

  • sheilastorm

    I have never had a car worth stealing..but a friend of mine had hers stolen, it was recovered a day or so later during a meth bust. It’s one of my favorite stories ever…

    “They had pulled her over that afternoon, she had had the car for over a day,and she was just cruising around in my car with out of state, expired tags.
    Not the brightest thief.

    The police officer asked me if I had any things in the car, as there were “things” in it. I told him that I had recently moved and, yes I may have left a few belongings in the car.

    So after work I went down to the cop shop to claim the KIA. It was full. I don’t just mean full, it was PACKED. The detective told me to put everything that wasn’t mine in a pile on the ground. I started unloading and ended with a pile that was 4 feet high. It included, but was not limited to;

    -Clothes, three stuffed garbage bags of clothes.
    -2 large cowboy hats
    -A black suede fringed jacket
    -2 very nice REI back packs
    -2 sleeping bags
    -Countless large and small stuffed animals
    -A bathroom cabinet, mirrored
    -A tackle box
    -Porn, maybe 25-30 mags, real kinky
    -A large framed poster of Rupaul
    -Mail, she had stolen mail from 10-12 houses around my neighborhood
    -Several empty handles of cheap wine
    -A bundle of sticks
    -A box of new pots and pans
    -A set of champagne flutes

    She had hung a plastic lei around the rearview mirror and lined up a menagerie of stuffed animals on the dash. She showed more pride of ownership in that car than I ever have.

    Wow, you are thinking, that is really strange.

    No, the strangest thing was that after I unloaded all of her crap, I noticed something. She had cleaned my car. The dash was gleaming, steering wheel slick with armorall. The windows were washed and she managed to get a stubborn coffee stain out of the seat upholstery. My tapes were organized and she had emptied the ashtray.

    Apparently this is all very normal behavior for a tweaker, and she is now in jail for her several other outstanding felonies, including harm to children.”

    Meth is a he** of a drug…

  • maggie

    I used to go out in downtown Dallas pretty frequently, and I would always park on the dark back streets where you could park free, rather than pay $5 to park in a well lit parking lot that wasn’t 2 miles from where I was going. After all, I needed that $5 for beer. At the time, I also carried most of the stuff I needed for a day or two of living in the back of my car, along with pretty much every cd I owned and a bunch of other stuff that naturally accumulated there over several years. Needless to say, my loaded backseat was an easy target. I don’t think the theives got much for their work, but it was sure a pain in the ass for me.

  • FeelinFroggy

    My car has been broken into three times in the past year. The first time they took my generic $49.99 CD Player and the COVER TO THE DASH!!!

    Talk about insult to injury.

    This last time they took my headset for my cell phone but not my Steve Martin book on CD (which I still cannot listen to).

    I take comfort in hoping that, while fumbling to hold me cell phone and drive, I will run over the ass who took my hands free head set.

  • EmmyC

    Have to add my story – my old Jeep was broken into in a university commuter lot. Thankfully they left my stereo (an old one with no CD) and I had taken my law books and $400 jacket with me.

    But they took a very old cell phone and a can of Static Guard. When I told the University cop about the Static Guard, and that I suspected the theives were huffing it, he laughed so hard that I thought he was going to pass out or pee himeslf. I eventually had to interrupt him “yes, I agree it is hilarious, can we finish my paperwork?”

    Static Guard – gets you high and smells fresh too!

  • beth

    I could spend all day reading these comments. here’s my contribution:

    when I lived in the city of St Louis (now I’m in the suburbs) my 98 Dodge Neon was stolen. I knew it was the most commonly stolen car in the city, and there had been a rash of car thefts recently, so the morning I walked outside and my car was missing, I just cursed mildly and called the cops.

    the best parts:
    1. they found the car the next day on my street, 5 blocks down. I’d been planning to get gas on the way to work and the fuel light was on.
    2. They parked illegally in front of a hydrant and the cops wrote me a ticket BEFORE noticing that the car was trashed and that it had been reported stolen.
    3. the stero they stole was broken.
    4. I am a total absent-minded slob and my car looks like I live in it. absolutely nothing was missing, other than the stereo. and they took out the whole dash to get to it.

    I totally agree that there’s nothing more ick than the thought that someone was touching your stuff. I couldn’t bear the thought of driving a car that strangers had been it. it still makes my skin crawl to think about it. fortunately, whatever thieves do to the steering column to steal a Dodge Neon totals the car, so I got a new car.

  • TxSuzyQ

    I was sorry to hear this happened to you. Thieves just suck ass!

    Someone broke into my explorer last year and only took my cell phone charger cord. Did they really have to break my window for this? Oddly enough, they didn’t want the brand new vacuum cleaner.. STIll IN THE BOX, that was in the cargo area.

  • fachingnuts

    I’m so sorry about the break-in! My car got broken into when I was in undergrad. There were a rash of break-ins in my neighborhood and I got to my car one morning to find a rear passenger window smashed.

    The one funny thing is that I had a bunch of CDs in my car but I *never* put them in the right boxes. So Mr. or Ms. Thief got Brahms Symphony #4 in a They Might Be Giants box, Fiona Apple in a Natalie Merchant box, etc. Serves him or her right. 🙂

    It still felt gross, though – that someone was in my car and touched my stuff. I felt so violated.

  • sveedish

    Eleven years ago, newly transplanted into San Francisco, I was still dumb enough to cling to my car. Some friends and I had decided a day at Golden Gate park would be fun, and five of us piled into my 2-seater Honda CRX. The last one out forgot to lock the passenger door (nothing automatic in that car) and we returned to find the stereo gone sans the faceplate (I had that in my bag!), the glove box torn from the dash, my speakers and amp gone from the trunk, my treasured roller skates gone, and my battery unhooked (I’m guessing to turn off the alarm sound). I hate driving around knowing some gross person had been in it.

    The next morning, I went out to the car to find someone had smashed the driver-side window, looked inside, discovered that someone else had already done the job of looting, and left.

    It was going to be raining the next day, so I taped some plastic sheeting to the window with duct tape to save the upholstery. I also removed everything that wasn’t bolted down in the car. That rainy morning, before heading to work, I check on the car. Someone had punched a hole in the plastic, ripped it open to further investigate the non-contents of my car, and left empty handed.

    Thieves are dumb in Northern California too. But thorough!

    I replaced the window and drove directly to LA to have my friend sell my car down there.

  • Tori

    A few years ago I left my Jeep parked at a friends house for a few weeks while I moved. It wasn’t my main transportation and I thought it would be safer parked there than on the street elsewhere. When I went back to get it, my key wouldn’t fit in the ignition.

    It turns out that the would be thieves had used a column press to take out the center of my steering wheel to gain access to the ignition switch in the column and changed my ignition! The locksmith kept saying to me “Where’s your other key?” and I kept telling him- it’s never been rekeyed it has original factory keys. He finally got it and then told me what had happened.

    The reason that they didn’t steal it: I had disconnected the battery so that my friends kids wouldn’t jump in and play with the air horn switch. They were smart enough to change my ignition switch to my Jeep but not smart enough to reconnect the battery.

    Also, I’m sure that you know this but in case you don’t. If your I-Pod is registered with Mac you can call it in stolen and the next time it’s connected to a computer it will shut down and will be unusable to the person that stole it. Hopefully they’ll call support and be told that you can’t use a stolen I-pod motherfucker. It then becomes totally useless to them and anyone they try to sell it to.

  • Mark7r0n

    When visiting my grandparents in Borger, TX some time around 1989 or 90 some prick broke into our family’s Ford Astro. They had to have been sad to see that there was nothing but trash from 3 kids being crammed in a car for 6 hours and a Motorola DynaTAC 8000X (read: The Brick.) Well he or she left the phone but took the battery and then slashed up the 2 front seats of the poor Ford. So for a $50 battery the prick did a few hundred dollars worth of damage. Jerk.

  • bethyboo

    A couple of years ago, I was in my favorite Friday night bar with 3 or 4 of my friends. We always sit in the same booth, the one on the end with an extra bench on the back where we all put our stuff. That night, there was a shabby looking guy sitting on our bench. I thought nothing of it until I realized that I’m totally paranoid and i reached back to grab my bag and the guy flinched. So he got to his feet as I scooched out of the booth and I saw that my stuff had been dumped on the floor. By the time I realized he’d made off with my super-cute pink faux-leather wallet and my super-cute iPod with the pink iPod sock he was already out the door and out of sight.

    My brother likened the event to being robbed from your living room. We were so comfortable in that place and our bags were RIGHT behind us.

    People sure suck.

    But then a few weeks later at the same bar, my friends surprised me with a new BETTER iPod. So, i guess not all people suck.

  • chayley1124

    Textbooks are constantly being stolen at my college’s campus & resold to a used bookstore down the street. I had a friend leave a calc book in plain sight on her backseat. Someone broke in, stole that text & several others, but left behind the iPod & fancy watch that were in her console. Pretty obvious what they were looking for…
    Bikes are also highly desired on college campuses. My sister took hers to Oklahoma State at the insistence of my parents. She never used it, and at the end of the year when she couldn’t find it, she assumed it had been stolen. Then she saw it, in the same spot she’d chained it the first day of school-rusted & lonely. She left it behind & told my parents it was stolen-she knew that would cause less trouble than bringing it home in that condition!

  • scout

    this one time, at band camp….

  • it wasn’t my car, because i didn’t have a car.

    i was at the beach with my friend. we were eighteenish, about to graduate from our youth group years.

    amateurs broke the windows and stole 1 out 2 cases of cds. apparently, we separated our music into christian and secular cases, because you cannot mix the two. it’s a sin.

    bastards left us with the christian music.
    they clearly looked through the case, and must have thought, “no thanks”.

    so there was no chance for this experience to be redeemed by the possibility that jesus might come into their hearts after listening to christian alternative rock. a sad day.

  • saliesas

    I live in Syracuse, NY (not exactly the crime capital of the world) and a few years ago I had my car stolen 4 times in a year and a half. I tried to get real creative by having my dad put in a kill switch in the car and that didn’t even work. It was stolen from every side of the city (good, bad and indifferent).

    Every time it was stolen it was recovered, but me being a poor student didn’t put theft on my insurance, so I had to pay the tow and storage fee ($150) each time.

    Adding insult to serious injury – the last time it was stolen the thief got a parking ticket! With the stolen car. I then had to spend a Tuesday morning in Traffic Court fighting the ticket.

    Needless to say – I sold the car shortly after. I very possibly didn’t learn my lesson, though, because I don’t lock my car doors anymore. I am living proof that if they want the car they will figure out how to take it.

  • RzDrms

    annica: you left a *million dollar diamond necklace* dangling from your car’s mirror?! seriously???

  • And here’s the link to the story (No. 298) and links to who the bastards are. Oh, and the missing part of the threat is the word ‘trashed’ (i.e; as far as we’re concerned you’ve trashed on of our fucking cars and we’re gonna fucking get you). I’m full of admiration.

  • kalki

    A friend in college got his bike stolen, which isn’t as expensive as a car stereo system but annoying nonetheless. A couple weeks later, he saw his bike at the campus dining hall and stole it back.

  • Two weeks ago, right before a friend and I were heading to our college reunion in Grinnell, my friend’s iPod was stolen from her car. I can’t say that the car was broken into because she leaves the doors unlocked. She leaves the doors unlocked because the car has been broken into so many times that she no longer wants to deal with the broken windows. Unfortunately, on that fateful day, she forgot her iPod in the car.

  • MidgetViking

    Haven’t had my car broken into, yet, but have a horror story about a car hire company in Edinburgh who accuse their customers of having caused damage to their vehicles and then proceed to max out the customers’ credit cards to cover this imagined damage. One guy I talked to was accused of stealing the car stereo – a stereo which was never there in the first place.
    When I hired a van from them 6 years ago, one of the wheels fell of while going 60mph, and they accused me of having “one of our fucking vans and we’re gonna fucking get you”. Well, at least I was still alive to hear the threat.

  • LittleOak

    Someone once broke into my 88′ Firebird and took ONLY my car horn. They left the stereo, speakers, whatever goods I had, a backpack full of my supplies for photography class and left with just my car horn.

  • sassy m genco.

    my senior year of college, my best friend, her mother and i went on a weeklong trip to ireland. because we were going from dublin to cork to shannon, we rented a car – only hertz gave us some enormous economy van that only came in a manual, which is about as difficult to navigate on tiny irish roads as a pack of llamas in the middle of times square.

    we went right from the airport to our b&b just outside dublin, dropped off our checked luggage (but left our carry on bags in the car), and headed back out to check out the malahide marina. there’s a park walk up a cliff, that has a spectacular view of ireland’s eye, and a house where w.b. yeats once lived. we decided to park, get out, take a few pictures and whatnot, and in the 5 minutes that this took – when the car was in plain sight of all of us – someone managed to push in the driver’s side lock, break in, take our purses and run away. it took us a minute to even figure it out once we got back to the car, that’s how clean they were.

    so now 3 americans are panicked, completely jet lagged, broke and without ANY form of identification in a foreign country. we flagged down a local innkeeper, who took us to the police station, who let us call america (i woke my father up at 4 am in new jersey to tell him to cancel my credit cards and wire me cash – and he still loves me!). the malahide police took us all the way into dublin to the irish tourist assistance service office, who helped us get money wired, new airline tickets, new passports, new perscription drugs, everything. the innkeeper (with whom we were not staying) even picked us up from the train station after the itas sent us back, and, on his daily dog walk, kept looking for the abandoned remains of our purses.

    the one cool thing about it? i now have an american passport issued by the dublin embassy.

  • lizzybeth

    I had my car stereo stolen out of my car twice when I lived in a little apartment off the Hillsborough River. The last time it happened they also decided to take all the old junk that I had sitting in my trunk.

    Later that afternoon, I got a call from an old friend of mine. Her mom got a call from the police saying that they were looking for me. Apparently, the thieves realized there was nothing of value in those old duffle bags and they dumped it behind a psychic reader place. When the police found it, they used a really old Winnie the Pooh day planner of mine to call all of the old phone numbers listed in it in an attempt to try to find me.

    I got so many phone calls from old friends that week. I had to reassure everyone that I was NOT a wanted criminal.

  • TJ

    We had thiefs try to steal a stereo from our car. They couldn’t get it out either so they made sure they ripped half the dash out too.

    Then they pee’d everywhere especially on the seats, gear stick and door handles. It was disgusting, we had that car detailed and sold it before summer hit because no amount of cleaning would get rid of the stains and smells when it got warm. It was like a big fuck you. There was an awful lot of pee so there must have been 4 of them at least!

  • I knew there was going to be a sharing of car radio theft on this website SOME day, but I never thought it’d actually come up this fast.

    My stupidly rich uncle had purchased himself a brand new top of the class Dodge Ram 1500 about two years ago, including some kind of flashy Japanese car radio that was so expensive I don’t even know how to spell it.
    And well, what do you know, on the seventh night after having showed off his latest gadget someone goes and breaks into the car.
    One would think the radio, that turned out to be removable easier than expected, would be taken out first. Yet, how does he wake up but to find that not the radio but two car seats and his cool spinner rims were stolen…
    Now THAT is good car theft.

  • sarahfromeire

    My previous car was broken into three times, which obviously pissed me off, but while I didn’t like MY thieves, I know there are even worse out there. Our local priest had to warn people to be super-vigilant in locking their car when visiting the graveyard cos lots of people were reporting that their cars were broken into while they were there. Yep, some person with a very beautiful soul was lurking around outside the graveyard with the specific purpose of stealing FROM GRIEVING PEOPLE.

    Now THAT is a thief making his mama proud.

  • anicca

    Hi Heather :
    I’ve had my car broken into countless times living in London and had many personal items nicked…its inconvenient, violatory and bloody infuriating.

    The most offensive was having our first buggy stolen, which we had lovingly bought before our baby was born and used for his first few months. That hurt a lot and I wanted to accost any person who passed me by with the same type buggy assuming they were the perpetrators.

    At a later date in the same street notorious for break-ins, still in a baby / breastfeeding haze I discovered I had left my car unlocked with the keys in the ignition for a whole 24 hours. The irony, nothing was stolen, not even the million dollar diamond necklace that was dangling from the mirror……

  • jolene

    A few years ago we suffered repeated mindless vandalism of our car. Eventually we gave up having it fixed. I presume the person felt a bit put out that their fun had been halted and stole our spare wheel from under the car instead.

    I was driving down the road at 60mph when the grill that the wheel had been held in clattered to the ground and dragged along for a few hundred yards before I realised what it was…I spent the next few minutes hunting for my spare wheel at the side of the road, convinced that it had rolled away due to an error with the car, before I realised that some crackhead had knicked it.

    I find it quite amusing in hindsight to think of all the trouble this idiot went to for the wheel when he could have easily broken in and knicked the stereo instead.

  • It happend to me, they broke my passenger’s door lock and stole all my (*cough*burned*cough*) cds (britney, amerie… dunno, maybe for their girlfriends…) and tried to steal my stereo but they couldn’t, ruined a bit the plastic around it and for some time it couldn’t close well then it suddenly could and end of the bad story. it happend in the same place, a couple of months later, to my sister in law, still breaking the door lock, we both denounced the happenings, i hope they will get them. bastards.

  • We have a Lada… No one has ever broken into it. Once someone took some gas from the tank (the gas-flap is unlockable), but that’s about it.

    I guess Lada’s have at least that going for them.

  • The husband and I moved to a kind of sketchy part of town when I was 19; when we got a fairly nice, fairly new car (A VW Jetta) I assumed that it would get either stolen or rifled at least once. Not so!
    My little Jetta, my pritty pritty little Jetta, was never touched. It died a completely unrelated death after about three years.
    THEN we got a beat-up, battered old Toyota Corolla hatchback… yep, that stupid-ass car got hit not once, not twice, but SIX times over the next year. Thankfully, we were broke-ass throughout that time, so the would-be thieves got nothing more than some nickels and pocket lint for their troubles.
    Ha. And also neener.
    So sorry about your recent string of totally shit happenings, though. I hope things soon look up for you and yours.

  • Ugh. UGH. I hope that creep’s conscience kicks in and BURNS. Or maybe there will be a short in the iPod and it fries his (very little) brain.

    I know if someone stole my MP3 player, I would feel like someone took one of my organs. I *heart* it that much.

    I hope the rest of your week gets much better. ((Hugs))

  • Danielle

    Being a tad too old to look the part of a fan, it had taken me forever to simply give in to my love for ‘NSync and purchase their “No Strings Attached” album. I stood in line red-faced at Best Buy and everything, as once I decided I NEEDED it, I wasn’t going to wait for Amazon to bring it to my door.

    Of course, that one had to be the CD that was in my player when my car got broken into. So not only did I have to face the teenie-bopper kids at the store once, but I had to do it TWICE.

    They took the radio and also the World’s Oldest Mobile Phone that my dad made me keep in my car for emergencies. I swear it was the first one ever made that didn’t need to be in its own carrying bag. Ooo… bet they got a lot for that one at the pawn shop. (I’m also pretty sure I had spilled hair-color activator on it and melted the circuitry anyway.)

    And can’t car vandals have the courtesy to make sure it’s not going to rain the next day? I’ve had to drive around with a garbage bag closed in my door twice thanks to them!

  • I just found out I have a car alarm that arms automatically when the car is locked. How did I find this out? From the same person who brought me ketchup in bed, a toilet brush for a toothbrush and ‘something dead’; my 6 year old. She was trying to steal candy out of the car and locked herself in. Then she tried to escape.

    Ah ha ha ha!

    Off goes the car alarm.

    Unfortunately off went her bladder too.

    An added SF bonus story: When we first moved to the city (right between hell and a really bad place) I got out of my van and carried some groceries into the house. The next morning I went out to find I had left the doors open with my purse and an expensive new camera on the seat, all still there. However the next week we had our wreck of a truck sitting in the same spot and someone cleverly popped the door lock out (no damage to windows!) and stole a dinky hand radio and some really bad Walkman speakers. Picky picky.

  • jhuff

    15 years ago my husband worked for a burglar alarm company in Springfield, IL. Someone broke into the camper shell on our truck *** while it was parked in the parking lot of the burglar alarm company who supposedly had cameras and employees monitoring the cameras 24/7. They stole all his cheap Walmart fishing poles, tackle box, the 2 year old tube of stink bait….but left the $75 boat battery and the tools. AT leasst they didn’t damage the camper shell or the truck…but I’m still hearing about how much he wishes he had his Banjo Minnow lures to fish with.

  • Joe

    I really had nothing to add, but you open your comment section so infrequently and I felt bad that only 280 had responded, so I thought I’d add one more.

    Wait, I’ve had my car(s) broken into and once stolen. It’s the violation that annoyed me more than anything else, the fact that some FUCKWAD who doesn’t want to work to pay for his own stuff decided he was going to take mine.

    I guess I DID have something to add. Good for me!

  • Recently, someone broke into my car, also. But the only thing they really took were my books, counter the above anecdote. They stole my backpack. The only things really -in- the backpack?

    1. Four semesters of Calculus notes (I-III, and DiffEQ’s)
    2. A Calculus Textbook
    3. A Differential Equations Textbook
    4. Two physics textbooks.
    5. A ten dollar thumb drive.
    6. My lunch.

    Things the Thief failed to steal from my car:

    1. My MP3 player (Creative Zen Micro — ~150 dollars)
    2. My checkbook
    3. Some cash in the glove compartment.

    Apparently an Engineering, Math or Physics major broke into my car. (???)

    Previously, someone broke into my car to steal my calculus binders, which I later realized look a lot like CD binders. They tore the binders apart in disgust, but didn’t take anything.

  • Ken

    They are evil beings… I am still a firm believer that the odds of a lock of most sorts actually doing anything like what it was intended for, are almost nil. If locks recorded the number of times they are tried it would be obvious. The far greater percentage of the time they lock out the owners. I just put a doorbell button on the outside of my garage to open the door. Opportunists are the big exception… I didn’t put the doorbell button on the front of the garage, but rather on the side by the gutter where the locking switch from the previous owner was…. I never found the key to that one after we moved in… case in point… I also live three doors down from the police/fahr station in one of the lilliest of the lilywhite little towns in Mass… I had a Walkman stolen from a 65 Chevy by an pportunist when I went in a store and left it on the seat way back when I lived in Florida in the eighties. I opt for the cheapy mp3 players after trashing a couple iPods so far one way or another – the washing machine is frequently lethal… Sorry for your loss.

  • I had 3 freaking purses stolen in 18 months from cars. I obviously didn’t learn from the first 2X’s either…

    You can only imagine my mom on the other end of the phone during those late night calls home from college.

    I still haven’t learned because I keep it in the car all the time. I guess I’ve either been lucky or my vehicle doesn’t look good enough to break into.

    Speaking of car stereo’s…you’ll LOVE this:

  • The best part of the story of my car getting broken into and the stereo and tire chains being stolen (but not the cash, or the cd’s or the starbucks gift cards worth about $100 being stolen) was the present the thieves left for me.

    Sitting on the floor of the passenger side of the car were 3-4 adult diapers. Unused, thank god. The cop suspects they used them to muffle the sound when they broke the window, but I had hours of entertainment hypothesizing what else their purpose could have been.

  • I wouldn’t call your theif all that polite.

    The quarter panel window is frequently the most expensive piece of glass on the entire car, so he might have been doing you (or your insurance company) a favor if he broke…well, any other window. For my last car, one eensy beansy little quarter panel window cost twice as much as an entire windshield.

    There is no logic in cars.

    Oh, and I once had the spare tire stolen off of a car whose engine had blown two days before. Like taking the fucking wallet off a dead man. After that I was so pissed off that I tore out my own stereo, just so nobody else could do it first.

  • farmer_daughter

    I was supposed to visit my friend in St. Louis on a weekend, but it had snowed and I asked if we could postpone the visit. If I had gone, she might not have been “attacked.” I felt and still feel bad but she says it is ok and maybe gets a little laugh out of it now.

    My friend was in the process of getting her master’s at Washington University. She was living on campus and was heading to her car. She had 2 bags. One had a brand new interview outfit and the other had her books. She had her wallet in her pocket because it was slippery and wanted to keep her balance in the snow. She opens her door and a guy tells her to give him the bags. She hesitated, not only because she was being robbed, but because the guy was dressed like a woman! Yes, he had on a dress. I don’t remember the other details but she was pissed because of the missing outfit but shocked that he had on a dress. It might be put to good use but he was a lot bigger than her. “Was he cold,” I asked. She said, “He had to be!” Naturally, the books he took were the thick, expensive, medical type.

    Also, my aunt and uncle live in a suburb of Chicago. Uncle Scott made the mistake of having a little change sitting out on the dash of their Buick. They didn’t have anything else in the car. Someone broke out the passenger window to get the 75 or so cents. Luckily, they left the Blu Blocker Sunglasses. My aunt and uncle cursed them for leaving those ugly things. “Why couldn’t they have ‘accidentally’ broken those things?”

  • north

    Ugh, I’ve had both the broken window and the stolen radio face (at tho different times, no less) here in Seattle.

    The window got broken during the night before the whole family had to go to the airport for a wedding in Philly. Luckily, I was able to convince an auto glass place to 1) keep the car over the weekend while we were away, and 2) drive me to the airport after I dropped it off. Lukily, SeaTac is not that far from downtown. It was just loads of fun cleaning up all of the broken glass. I think I still have a fragment stuck in my finger several years later.

    The radio face was stolen a while later and I have the same feeling as you – why just steal the face? What use is it? I looked on line and found a place here in Seattle that sells radio faces over the internet and was willing to have me stop by to pick up a replacement. I sure hope that the “intelligence” of the stereo is kept in the deck, because if it is in the face, I bought back my own stereo face – I got back all of my presets.

    Anyway – sorry about the theft, and keep up the good blog. You all rock.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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