An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A list of sorts

1. Several people have written to express their frustration over the fee to get into SXSW to see my panel next week (I totally understand), so right now I’m trying to arrange a meet-up somewhere in downtown Austin, probably at a coffee shop, for Saturday morning (March 8th). Once I know the specific details I let you know the when and the where.

2. Coco pooped in the car yesterday. In the car. While we were driving.

3. I have a manuscript due in about a week. There’s this quote I heard once, I don’t remember who said it, but it was a writer, and when asked about her favorite part of writing a book she said something like, “When it was over.” THOSE ARE THE TRUEST WORDS EVER UTTERED.

4. It’s a little late in the month to address the masthead at the top of the page, but I feel I need to calm any lingering fears over whether or not Chuck is dead. He is not. He is alive and moody. The masthead was designed to celebrate the 7th birthday of this website, and that cursive font was a bad choice because some people thought it said ADIEU when in fact it says BODIED, and when set against Chuck’s head it looked very much like a tombstone, or at least I was told so. Sorry for the confusion, I’ll try harder next time to be clearer about my message. Also, yes, I know you’re not supposed to give grapes to dogs, I promise he didn’t eat any, although he wasn’t interested in them anyway as they weren’t made out of cow.

5. It’s a tradition around here to open comments on the birthday of the website, so I thought I’d mix things up a bit this year and turn it into a contest. What should my March tagline be? Winner, as chosen by the official panel of judges (me), gets a $50 iTunes gift card.


  • koz

    I survived the first (X) months with Coco and all I got was a carpet full of poop.

  • Ulla Lauridsen

    As ever. Whaddityathink?

  • How about “Dooce: I drink your milkshake! I DRINK IT UP!”

  • Maria

    How about: With all the best intentions

  • “serving up country ribs daily”

  • You should really have a meet up sometime here in Salt Lake. I know there’s got to be tons of locals out there who would love to meet you!

  • Oh, and you could add a pic of Chuck balancing a milkshake on his head.

  • March tagline should be: Let me tell you what’s reaalllly in that coco butter…

  • dooce

    I’m actually going to do some local SLC book signings when the fatherhood anthology comes out in April or May. Stay tuned for the details!

  • Christina

    If it smells like poop, thats because it is.

  • lesaleigh

    My suggestion for March’s tagline is my mantra through the end of each miserable winter: “The average high temperature in March is 58 degrees.” (That is according to, for Louisville, KY.) With my last round of law school finals coming up, the dream of warmer weather is just about the only thing getting me by. Good luck with the small dog, your tenacity and patience are far stronger than my own!

  • Rachel E.

    “In Like a Lion, Out Like Chuck”

  • Jordan

    Dooce: Ignoring your unsolicited advice since 2001

  • Anonymous

    A picture of you getting hit in the head with a brick labeled life. No, not actually getting hit in the head. You know what I mean.

  • RK

    When I was younger, I threw strawberry jam on people I didn’t like.

  • Deb Mct Master

    Kay, how about this, Marching poop monster coming soon to your living room…

  • My dog pooped in the car once while driving home from the dog park. She was about 4 months old. My husband thought it was hilarious, but that was most likely because he was not in the car to experience it.

    “Pooping anywhere other than in the car is unthinkable”

  • Betsey

    You should make the masthead include something about the ides of march and feature Chuck wearing a grimreaper hood and possibly also include something with a sicle (sp?) and flowers to address spring and growth. That would be cool.

  • How about

    Dooce: Funnier than Face of the Cookie


    Dooce: Only Poops in Your Car Every Other Day

  • Anonymous

    ‘It’s my website and I’ll write what I want to”.

  • Yay, I’m going to be there. Maybe I won’t be shy and I’ll come say hi.

  • Anonymous

    Um, “Drink your milkshake” is played out. 3 months ago wants their joke back.

    Were people that dumb re: thinking Chuck was dead? And they have enough time on their hands to email you about it? I heard that Paul was dead bc he was barefoot on Abbey Road. Chuck is a dog; He’s always barefoot! OMG! Is Chuck the living dead?

  • BD

    pic of Coco (its her turn to star on the masthead) with the tagline “a great website…for me to poop on.”

  • What really made me laugh was the story of the guy in the karaokae bar who, after asking if people knew you and being rewarded by blank stares – said, “Don’t you people go on the internet?”

    Now that’s a tagline.

  • Amanda

    Yours for the bargain price of four livers and half a kidney.

  • Lisa

    Dooce: Better than a car full of dog poop

  • Gord

    Borrow shamelessly from Dan Jenkins:

    “Life Its Ownself”


  • Katrina

    How about

    Old and moldy, but still worth the read.

    Not to suggest that you or anyone in your family is old or moldly, but merely that 7 is a long ass time for a website to be around 😛

  • No great tag lines for you, but a few great Austin coffee shops for you…

    Little City
    Dominican Joe’s

    Hope SXSW goes well!

  • Anonymous

    Dooce: With a hint of “eau de dog poo” scent

  • Coco-Cabana!

  • c3str

    “From constipation to perpetual puppy pooping with regular stops in between.”

    “Poop: from one extreme, to the other.”

    Or something even more witty that bridges the gap between chronic constipation and perpetual puppy pooping.

  • Anonymous

    Green With Anticipation

  • The Writer’s Block, and Chuck should be balancing a big block on his head.

  • Michael M/

    Its probably a little too passe to have it be FIRST! LOLZ!

    so I’m going with “Four out of five of us dont shit on the floor”–or some permutation


    “Dooce: Best dressed Disney Princess since Hocas Pontas”. WITH a requisite picture of Chuck ‘balancing’ a tiara on his head.

  • Anonymous

    “it sucked and then i cried. the end.”

    no line you’ve written has been more perfect than that.

  • Nicole

    “America’s newest snack idea!”

  • Jado

    “She pooped in the car. WHILE WE WERE DRIVING.”

  • Laura

    I was going to suggest one…but I think I want to vote for Jordan’s instead!
    Dooce: Ignoring your unsolicited advice since 2001
    is brilliant.
    My suggestion was:
    Dooce: One household under Dog
    maybe with a pic of Coco hunched over midpoop. Yes, gross, but funny. and you don’t have to put the poop in the picture.

  • Melissa

    “Poop, it’s not just for your inbox anymore.”

  • Desneeze

    Where Poop Lives Forever

  • Julia

    “All my Stuff is in the new thing.”

  • patti

    how ’bout “March-ing Toward The Dog Days of Summer”

  • Dooce tagline for March: putting up pictures of coco in Daily Chuck…just to piss you off!

    and/or so you’ll send me hate mail.

  • “Country ribs today, bath tomorrow.”

  • “Drugs for Everyone!”

  • Anonymous

    How about, “Boring the shit out of everyone for seven long years.”

  • Dawn

    “When the going gets tough, the tough get another dog.”

  • I love the “couple” pictures of Chuck and Coco. So I think there should be a cute pic of the two of them with the simple words:

    Coco *hearts* Chuck


  • Chad

    how about Dooce: An Advocate of Teenage Pregency in Fairy Princesses since 2008

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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