An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A list of sorts

1. Several people have written to express their frustration over the fee to get into SXSW to see my panel next week (I totally understand), so right now I’m trying to arrange a meet-up somewhere in downtown Austin, probably at a coffee shop, for Saturday morning (March 8th). Once I know the specific details I let you know the when and the where.

2. Coco pooped in the car yesterday. In the car. While we were driving.

3. I have a manuscript due in about a week. There’s this quote I heard once, I don’t remember who said it, but it was a writer, and when asked about her favorite part of writing a book she said something like, “When it was over.” THOSE ARE THE TRUEST WORDS EVER UTTERED.

4. It’s a little late in the month to address the masthead at the top of the page, but I feel I need to calm any lingering fears over whether or not Chuck is dead. He is not. He is alive and moody. The masthead was designed to celebrate the 7th birthday of this website, and that cursive font was a bad choice because some people thought it said ADIEU when in fact it says BODIED, and when set against Chuck’s head it looked very much like a tombstone, or at least I was told so. Sorry for the confusion, I’ll try harder next time to be clearer about my message. Also, yes, I know you’re not supposed to give grapes to dogs, I promise he didn’t eat any, although he wasn’t interested in them anyway as they weren’t made out of cow.

5. It’s a tradition around here to open comments on the birthday of the website, so I thought I’d mix things up a bit this year and turn it into a contest. What should my March tagline be? Winner, as chosen by the official panel of judges (me), gets a $50 iTunes gift card.


  • Tagline: The American Dream: Princesses, Prozac and poop.

  • Rob

    You’re only young once, but you can poop in a car forever.

  • AT

    How about dooce: making circles out of squares.

    i don’t really know what it means, but i like it.

  • Most Evil Twin

    Title: Stuff. And maybe some Things.

  • P.S. Are you promoting your book in Dallas, too?!

  • Delurking to suggest “Dooce: Sass with Sauce.”

  • Jordan’s (#13) all the way. (sorry, I know I don’t get to vote, but that’s just so perfect.)

    By the way, aren’t we do for some Hate Mail love?

  • Carrie

    “Coco, Caca. What a difference one letter makes.”

  • Coco,a paradox: cute and smelly

  • Seven years, bitch.

  • BB

    Dooce: Piranha on the neck of the status quo!

  • Jennifer

    Dooce: All that and a bag of bacon.

  • Candace

    I don’t think it looks like “adieu”– I wouldn’t worry. Also it doesn’t really look like grapes on his head so much… more like a fancy headpiece as designed by Armani. Watch out for Katie Holmes. She might steal it right off his moody head.

  • March: Comes in like a lion and eats everything it sees.

    Or…a picture of coco walking like the Greatful Dead’s doda man with, “Keep on poopin’.”

    That human tester is a pain…I ignored it and now I have to redo all my work.

  • Ellen

    March: In like Coco, out like Chuck.

  • junewell

    How about “puppy-whipped”

  • Anonymous

    Pooping along since 2001

  • Belinda

    I’d rather have a crate of coco poops.

  • Joy

    Dooce: Talking poop since 2001

  • “Two Great Things That Taste Great Together” with a picture of Coco hanging off Chuck’s neck.

    Have fun in Austin, I love that City!

  • koz

    Oh, “The Seven-Year Bitch.”

    No, really, #13 is awesome.

  • As it’s the month of St. Patrick’s day, and since it’s food-related and we all know how Chuck feels about food, how about:

    Magically Delicious

    (Lucky Charms guy = leprechaun = St. Patrick’s Day = the reason the Irish hate us)

  • Ferris


    “You’re soaking in it.”

    “The straw that stirs the drink.”

    “More Cowbell since 2001.”

    “Shot a man in Reno. Just to watch him die.”

    “Digesting the child within.”

    Thank you.

  • Happy Anniversary! I do appreciate this page. Cheers to your humor, honesty about depression, kid rearing and dog poop. The necessities in life really.

    What about,

    “Aye, we ain’t Candadians.”


    “Just as good as green beer” or “Better than Green beer”


    March: Will spring come before winter breaks me down…stay tuned and find out”

    Damn, I am not good at this stuff…going back to my hole now.


  • Dooce: the pooper scooper

    Dooce: feeds grapes to your dog

    Dooce: built an ark in the snow

    not sure what that last one means, but it sounds so deep, doesn’t it?

    oh, and I HAVE FED MY DOG GRAPES!!! OMGWTFBBQ!!!1!!!!

  • Anonymous

    I love the one mentioned above:

    Tagline: The American Dream: Princesses, Prozac and poop.

  • Emily


  • Allison

    How about: “We didn’t call it Dooce for nothing” with a picture of Coco or the poopy pawprints? You could even do something funky with pawprints in the masthead. It must have been traumatic, but what a hilarious story! (That painting is gorgeous, BTW!)

  • Jen

    I like Rachel E’s but I’d slightly alter it to “In like Coco, out like Chuck”

  • We celebrate madness full year round, not just in March.

  • Amanda

    I have to go with #13: Dooce: Ignoring your unsolicited advice since 2001

    That’s AWESOME!!!

  • elle

    “Dooce: just the tip”

  • Larkhappy

    Bringing poop to the masses…

    This is from Crank Yankers. It’s Wanda Sykes talking about a turd in the backseat of her car.

  • BlO

    “ Irritating the humorless masses since 2001”


    “Celebrating seven years of functional insanity”

  • Anonymous



    “A Dog is for Life, Not just for Christmas”
    –slogan for Nat’l Canine Defense League
    With a huge picture of Coco chewing on a miserable Chuck.

  • #56 is better than #13

  • Chloe

    Dooce: Not effing Matt Damon nor Ben Affleck

  • Paula

    Because I Can.

  • Heather

    I’ve got to vote for #60! Hilarious.

  • Kate

    Coco Furrocious: Album drops this March

    Dooce: Like a trail of poopy paw prints through my mind

    Dooce: A huge, messy misunderstanding

  • Dooce: Talking dirty to Mormans since 2001.


    Dooce: Where we accumulate dog feces more than the rest.

  • Jacqueline

    March masthead should be “Blogging for America’s Cubicle Workers”

    Heather, you make my computer prettier at work. Thanks so much!

  • Anonymous

    I’d like it if you used “Wiener poopie.”

  • Long time reader, first time commenter. I couldn’t resist.

    Dooce: Where love and poo meet.

    Dooce: The spring edition, flowers and puppies and poo oh my.

  • No, forget it… not 56 or 13… 89 is hysterical.

  • Easy going down but stings a little on the way out.

  • heather

    attracting anonymous commenters who provide blog fodder

  • Dorky Rooster

    Dooce: Pickles. Mormons. Scorn.

  • Ami

    Shoeless and Cheeto-fingered since…

  • LN

    Dooce: The internet’s neck piranha

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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