Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Wherein I make multiple references to breasts, some not my own

Tomorrow morning (Wednesday May 7) I’m going to be on the “Today” show to discuss the business of (insert ominous voice of death) MOMMY BLOGGING. They tell me my segment will air at 8:30 AM, and that I’ll either be talking with Matt Lauer or Meredith Viera, and I love those guys, don’t get me wrong, but back when I was eight months pregnant and I’d been reading about techniques I could use to induce labor, I had a particularly vivid dream that involved Al Roker. Here’s what I wrote about it in 2004:

Last night I had a dream that Al Roker was demonstrating proper breastfeeding techniques to me and a room full of 18 other pregnant women. He had gigantic nipples and was handling them with an almost unlawful carelessness, just swinging them around and pinching them and mooshing them like little red meat patties. He made sure to warn us that we shouldn’t try this at home, not yet anyway, because persistent nipple stimulation has been known to induce labor. And I know I had this dream because I just read about the whole nipple stimulation technique, that there are some doctors who recommend that a pregnant woman past her due date try twiddling her nipples for up to three hours at a time.

Three whole hours of nipple twiddling.

I cannot believe I didn’t capitalize that at the time, because when I read that just now my eyes bulged out of my head and I was all THREE WHOLE HOURS OF NIPPLE TWIDDLING? And then I remembered, PREGNANCY IS INSANE.

And yeah, I would just love to sit down with Al Roker and discuss blogging while I have that whole paragraph up there dancing in my brain.

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