the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Because sometimes an orgasm is too much work

Jon: “So he kept asking me if we were going to expand our line of merchandising.”

Me: “Yuck. Merchandising? That word has such a bitter aftertaste.”

Jon: “I told him our next product would be a dooce dildo.”

Me: “No.”

Jon: “Think about it.”

Me: “No.”

Jon: “We’d call it The Dooce.”

Me: “The only way I would ever agree to this is if there were a disclaimer in giant red letters across the top of the packaging that said USE ONLY TO MASSAGE YOUR WIFE’S BACK.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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