This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

That bizarre woman and her rude blog

So I thought I should start this post with an email I got this morning from a Canadian reader named Tessa. Hi, Tessa!

Subject: Your Misrepresentation of Canadians Should Be Embarrassing

You are such a wonderful, wise, witty woman. And there you go making comment after comment about how backward and maladjusted Canadians are. How we need/want to catch up to our oh-so-stellar (read: arrogant) neighbors to the south. Canadians do not talk like hics, and if we do, then we are the only ones allowed to make fun of it. Stop being so rude. It makes you look ignorant.

Canada, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize for saying that you are the nicest people I have ever met. How terribly insensitive and ignorant of me. Do I think your accent is adorable? I confess, I do. I DO! Almost as adorable as my friend Carol’s midwestern accent, almost. I tell you, you cannot die happy until you have heard Carol ask for a Bacardi and coke. There’s something about the way she chews her vowels that drives me nuts, but not bad nuts. Good nuts. It’s exactly like the feeling I get when I see a chubby, bald baby, and my insides turn flips because no matter how badly I want to, I know it would be impolite to walk up to its mother and ask her if it would be okay if I ate her baby.

You want to know what’s at the top of my list of things I want to do before I die? Burping in front of the president. Some people want to hike the Himalayas or swim the English Channel, and those are noble and worthy, and they’re on my list toward the bottom behind other important things like STICKING MY TONGUE IN CHRIS MARTIN’S EAR, but one time I was in the car with Maggie when I accidentally let out a tiny, inaudible burp. And I don’t think anything is more offensive to her than actually talking out loud about feces or maybe picking your nose and showing her the booger. Whereas in my family, sometimes we can burp an entire conversation. My brother can even burp in all caps.

She shook her head and said, listen, I know you think that’s innocuous, but you keep doing that and thinking it’s not a big deal and next thing you know you’re doing it in front of the president. That’s when I knew. I knew my life would not be complete without accomplishing such a quintessentially me thing. I’m sure that when people ask Maggie what her friend Heather is like, she goes, you know, I think I could pretty much sum up Heather by saying that she is the type of person who would take great pride in burping in front of the president. The end.

And guess who was in town last night. No, just guess. And guess who wanted to drive up to Park City where this particular someone was holding a Republican fundraiser. I’d tap a secret service agent on the shoulder and say, hey! I need a HUUUUUUGE favor, k? I need 14 seconds with the president. 14. That’s it. I know this is totally out of the ordinary, but I’m slowly dying of old age, and the number one thing I want to do before I die is burp the alphabet in front of George Bush. HOW COULD HE REFUSE ME? Don’t you think he’d be all, BRING THAT WOMAN IN! And we’d bond despite our political differences. THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT. OH-SO-STELLAR AMERICA.

  • Heather

    Those Canadians are so sensitive…

  • where did she gets those insane ideas from? Did I miss a few posts?

  • Hey, no worries. Haven’t you heard? Burping is the new ice-breaker.

    Love your posts.

  • Saucey

    14 seconds to burp the alphabet? Now THAT’s truly offending to the Canadians. Get it under 10 secs — they will be utterly impressed and shall forgive you of all transgressions.

  • Lord have mercy Heather. If you do get a chance to burp in front of Dubya at LEAST make sure Jon is there to catch it on video. I want to see the look on his face when a woman 6 inches taller than he, and who has at least 50 IQ points on him, lets one rumble out.

  • How dare you Heather? How could you say such insensitive things about our neighbors to the North? (Or in my case, to the East cause I live in Alaska). *Note the sarcasm.

    You are fantastic, and anyone who doesn’t think so deserves to be banished to Canada. And I mean the horrible French Canada where no one speaks English. Oops, did I say that?

  • RHS

    I know a guy who can fart in all caps, and probably also in German. If the Ed Sullivan show were still on teh toob, he’d be one of the middle acts, between Elvis and Señor Wences. The plate spinning would just be a bonus.

  • Erin

    Sometimes I read the hate mail you get, and I’m just so confused. I honestly think some people are reading a completely different blog. Everything you’ve said about your trip to Vancouver has done nothing so much as emphasize how much you love and admire the city and its inhabitants.

    I’m with Lala…I think we missed something. Or maybe she did.

  • Seriously? Offended by a-boot? What about their PROcess?

    I’m from Northern MN and we talk a little like that and I think it’s cute.

    I want to moon, wait no, raspberry the pres, not nearly as much fun as a burp, but I can’t do that on cue.

  • Ya know, if I could burp the alphabet, I sure as heck would head right over to the White House and present that talent immedietly! Now my teenage son… He can burp the alphabet, in capitol letters in his sleep. Yep, he is that good!

  • Jennine

    I can burp the entire Canadian anthem. In CAPS.

  • Tessa just needs to get over it, eh? That’s not what you are aboot at ALL, Dooce!

  • Elena

    RHS: farting on demand? That is blowing my mind. How??

  • Would you say “excuse me” afterwards? or just wipe your mouth off and smile???

    If you do get the chance and by some great fortune Jon is taping it, can you have Dubyah say CRAYON?

  • Aw! I never thought you were being mean!

    I have a seriously deep love of Canadians, the accent is so cool, AND they use the metric system.

  • Wait… I forgot an important point: I can burp the Canadian anthem, in caps, WITH a midwestern accent.

    Ha! I’m the winner!

  • Oh Canada! Come to Ontario sometime, will ya? I would love to hear you burp the alphabet. Also? We can admire each other’s accents.

  • Rita (rhymes with Leta)

    Well I for one criticize Americans (the stupid ones anyways) on a regular basis so it would be highly hypocritical to not allow our southern neighbours the same courtesy (and yes, neighbours is spelled right… IN CANADA).

    I met you on Friday and I still kick myself for not asking where you were going after the Meet & Greet, because considering the bourbon flow I’m pretty sure it would have been a fantastic party… IN CANADA.

  • Ashlea

    I live in Texas and I was personally thrilled when you visited Texas and posted about all the cute things we do and say. Does Tessa realize her email set Canada way ahead on the jerk-o-meter? Way further than any of your posts IMHO.

  • Wow. That post was like a runaway train. From Canadians to burps like – BOOM. lmao

  • I just want to wrestle Mick Foley before I die. That’s all.

    And when it’s my time, I’d like to go by drowning in a Starbuck’s cappuccino and then be buried face down so everyone can KISS MY ASS.

  • Lisa

    I have a friend who’s dog can burp on command. Chuck watch your throne!

  • You are my hero.

  • I’m Canadian and I think you are great. This broad can suck it.

  • 14 seconds to burp the entire alphabet? Bossy knew she was dealing with Greatness, but she had no idea.

  • Amandemic

    Well, sure when people say (arguably) rude or stereotypical things about Canada, sometimes I get defensive. I mean, it’s my country (you American’s should relate to that statement…)and I love it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that… I make fun of French Canadians too, but when I read about non-Canadians making fun of them, I feel offended…but, that’s okay.

    In your defence (sort of?), Heather,I say smarmy, sarcastic things about the States all the time! Would I say it in front of a group of die hard Americans? No…what with your 2nd amendment rights and all. But hey, it happens. And I know you don’t say it out of spite or with malintent…you say it because, well let’s be honest, it’s funny!

  • Ahh, you don’t post your burps on your web site for all to hear. Yours are still in the presidential ambition stage. No ambition, for all of us to hear you. Thank you …

  • Haden

    Words cannot describe how happy I got when I read this. Heather, you made my day. thanks.

  • Anonymous

    Must’ve missed you dissin’ on Canadians, eh?

  • Speed

    I wonder what Tessa thinks when someone tells her that her hair looks lovely?

    It’s people like this that got that stupid Rachel Ray/dunkin donuts ad pulled because her scarf looked too much like a keffiyah.

  • When I was in junior high, I used to be able to burp parts of the alphabet. I’m no longer proud of that fact. My brother taught me. That’s what brothers are for. Now I’d rather garden.

  • Danielle

    Hi Heather! I have been reading for a few years now and I have been very excited to see the pictures and notes on Vancouver. I just moved here 2 months ago and am living 3 blocks from Stanley Park. I’m so in love with this place and am glad you had a great time! Come back soon! I didn’t come by your meet & greet as Granville Island scares me in it’s uber yuppy-ness but thanks for thinking of us Vancouverites!

  • Kim

    Tessa, get it right, we are “hicks”, not “hics”.

    Signed,

    Kim in Toronto

  • Brook

    Tessa can suck on it. I’m a CDN and can’t remember reading one thing you’ve written that I would take offence to. Carry on…

  • I guess I missed something…I don’t recall reading anything offensive to Canadians.

    I grew up in North Dakota and people ask if I’m from Canada all the time…I take it as a compliment! I moved to Wisconsin when I was in high school – I actually had a teacher who would ask me to read aloud to the class all the time because he loved my accent. Seriously.

    If you want a good Canadian accent, you have GOT to watch Property Virgins on HGTV. My husband (from Alabama) loves it and says, “Oh, my favorite Canadian is on!” (I can’t remember the host’s name, sorry.)

    Heather

  • I saw a commercial for constipation this morning and you were the first person I thought of. I think I read too much dooce. Also, who cares what the Canadians think?

  • I love it! (The burping the alphabet in front of ‘Dubya part.)

    What else do I love? The ragging on Canadians. I live 70 miles from the US-Canada border, and every weekend (and most weekdays), our shopping venues and restaurants are packed to the hilt with Manitobans! Sure, they support our local economy like none other, but they are taking my parking places and the pretty clothes of the clearance racks at Macy’s before I can get to them! 🙂

  • Annie

    I was so excited to learn that you were coming to Vancouver and that you even mentioned the city I live in on your site. I didn’t even noticve the whole “aboot” thing until Tessa mentioned it. I think deep down inside Canada and the U.S. just want to be loved. They should hug and make up.
    Thanks for the hilarious posts each day. Spinning in my swivel chair at work gets kinda old after awhile.

  • I’m confused! At least Tessa was polite about it! That’s why we LOVE Canadians Tessa! Y’all are so nice, and we make fun of ourselves too. And yes, many of us are ignorant. I suppose it’s a bit like when someone disses your brother. You’re suddenly like, “I don’t care if he is a lying sack of shit who lives with my parents and won’t get a job…I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S ALLOWED TO SAY THAT!!!!”

  • Karina

    To honour us canadians, when you DO burp the alphabet in front on the president, make sure to pronounce the last letter correctly. It’s ZED, Eh?

  • Sara

    I think burping and farting is funny.

  • Rhea

    As far as accents go, they tend to change where ever you land up here. Just like somewhere else I know of…

  • Susan

    This is what I remember reading about your post re: Canada:

    “It remains one of the coolest places I’ve ever been.”

    And I was all yeah, yeah–me too! LOVE Canada!

    Um, what blog is Tessa reading?

  • Chloe

    Always been able to burp on command and take great pride in it.

    Maybe it was the “aboot” in the heading of the last posting that got Tessa going.

    The Southpark dudes have been ragging on Canada for so long that you’d think Canadians would have a bit of a thicker skin.

    I’m 20 miles from the BC border, been living here for 2 years, and I’m amazed at the vitriol that Canadians invoke in some of my fellow Washingtonians – they do drive a wee bit differently than the rest of us, but live and let drive.

    That poutin stuff though…that’s just CRAZEE!

  • Nelly

    Eh? What insensitive comments? Great, now you’re all going to think we are sensitive humourless, Matt’s Clamato guzzling pansies, when in reality we can go out and a-boot and burp up a storm with you!

  • I’m Canadian, I think it was hilarious. Dooce, you make fun of everyone in a loving way and you poke fun at stereotypes, so what! Like Erin said above, I swear these people are reading a different blog and then emailing you to complain about it.

  • Natalie

    I think the hick-Canadian stereotype is about as accurate as the arrogant-American stereotype. It’s the rich, snobby people on Laguna Beach and other similar shows that give Americans the bad rap. Very few Americans are like that here in what I like to call the “real world.”

    Besides, I grew up in Po-dunk, Tennessee. From what I’ve seen, I’d be willing to say that the America has a MUCH higher percentage rate of hicks than Canada.

  • Renae

    Burping in front of the president, that would be hilarious. I agree with whoever suggested that Jon catch the event on video, it really wouldn’t be complete otherwise.

    Also, someone mentioned their burping dog, my dog has all my bad habits, he burps in my face (I swear he does it on purpose) and he farts, audibly, when other people are around. Clearly we are quite a classy family.

  • Wow. I would totally pay actual cash money to see that.

    All I want to do before I die is lick the side of Christian Bale’s face to see if he really is as yummy as he looks (and talks…that Welsh accent drives me insane).

  • Anonymous

    As a Canadian I almost took offense until I read you were on the west coast of Canada (they tend to be a little strange over there). Come to Ontario and enjoy a real party!