Monogrammed Egyptian cotton sheets

I got a frantic email from Maggie last week advising me to go right that second and buy these 360-count combed Egyptian cotton sheets. On sale for 75% off. That’s practically stealing them off the Internet. They only have them in king sizes, and alas: Maggie and her husband sleep on a queen. As of this morning, Internet, I have more awesome sheets than Maggie. More accurately, a loud burper has better sheets than Maggie.