the smell of my desperation has become a stench

“They drew first blood, not me.”

Me: “You know what movie we should watch together?”

Jon: “Oh God. What?”

Me: “Don’t OH GOD me.”

Jon: “I just have a feeling that whatever you suggest is going to deserve an OH GOD.”

Me: “First Blood.”


Me: “It’s not Rambo. It’s First Blood. DIFFERENT.”

Jon: “First Blood is ABOUT RAMBO.”

Me: “But it’s SO GOOD. He has like three lines of dialogue in the whole movie.”

Jon: “I bet if you watched that movie again you would realize just how bad it is.”

Me: “I have watched it recently.”

Jon: “How recently is recently?”

Me: “Like, within the last ten years.”

Jon: “Heather, if you took this to the Internet the Internet would side with me.”

Me: “Not the portion of the Internet who had a crush on Sylvester Stallone when they were eight years old.”

Jon: “Meaning NO ONE.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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