the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Text message conversation with Carol last evening

Carol: “Basie found herself in the mirror. It was pretty cute.”

Me: “So you guys decided on Basie?”

Carol: “Well, sort of. About ten minutes ago we almost changed it to Destin. I love it but Chris thinks it sounds like Desitin, and he’d rather call her Billie. Any thoughts?”


… (an hour goes by) …

Carol: “Basie it is.”

Me: “Jesus Christ, it’s like an effing soap opera over there.”

Carol: “Stop it. There are four really weird, hard-to-please people living with me.”

Me: “You are not one of those weird, hard-to-please people. AT ALL.”

Carol: “Who needs best friends when I have you!!!???”

Me: “Carol, that was three exclamation points and three question marks. Someone out there right now is trying to write a paper and can’t because you used up all the punctuation. Also, you give me the same shit, and I love you regardless. And I wish I was with you right now so I could hear you say REGARDLESS out loud.”

Carol: “Go tell the Internet, ‘Thank you.’ They were a huge help. Love, your best friend, Carol.”

Me: “Because it’s 1860 and we’re sending letters to each other via the Pony Express.”


Four of you suggested this name (#1375 Jennifer, #1636 Goodfather, #2680 Carrie Jo, #3176 Michele), and I’d love to send you a little something in the mail as a token of our appreciation. If you could send your mailing address to dooce at dooce dot com I’ll stuff Coco in a box and drop her off at the post office package up a small gift and send it your way. Thanks to everyone for your suggestions, Basie now has a name and a new life.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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