An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Behold, the Memphis accent

One of the many projects I’ve been working on recently is a set of discussions called Momversations with a group of other lovely mothers including Maggie and Alice and Rebecca. Once or twice a week we all sit down by ourselves in our own homes across the country and talk into a camera about a different topic, and in the last month we’ve covered pregnancy weight gain, balancing work and motherhood, celebrity gossip, and sex after baby. Sometimes this can be weird because I’m always in the room by myself talking to this little piece of electronic equipment, and if you were standing on the other side of the door you would totally think I was talking to myself. Not that creepy when I’m discussing the grocery budget (maybe a little bit), but it did seem inappropriate to talk to a tiny machine about my vagina. Let’s be honest, there’s a time and a place for that kind of disclosure, and that place is on a blog in front of hundreds of thousands of strangers.

I didn’t know what to expect when I signed up for this, and fortunately everything about the experience has been really pleasant. Everything except for having to put on make-up several times a week. I know, that’s a total First World complaint, how about I amputate a couple of my limbs or have a giant tree fall through my living room and then see how much work it is to whip on some lip gloss. It’s just that the first trimester of pregnancy has stripped me of all sense of vanity and decency, and I’ve had to reshoot more than one video because of an accidental fart. When I’m applying mascara all I can think about is how I could be better spending that time eating pie.

Here’s a sampling of the videos, you can see all of them over at the Momversation website:

Mommy, where do babies come from?

Losing the Baby Weight

Why Do We Care About Suri Cruise?

Sex After Baby

  • You mommies with your “Mommy Blogs” and “Momversations” … you kinda give this Daddy Blogger vagina envy … sort of. You know, like, except for the part where babies come out of them.

  • FIRST! But probably not really…

  • Ah see? I knew it was too good to be true. Oh well. 😛

    I vote that next time you choose pie over mascara, and eat it in front of the little machine, and it’s okay if you fart, We the Internet will still love you.

    Excuse me while I go find out why indeed we care about Suri Cruise…

  • Momma Ruth

    I love the momversations! They’re so funny – and much like I do when reading this website – I sit there nodding my head going “Yesss! That’s exactly it!” outloud. A perfect addition to a wonderful website! Love ’em!

  • I have been a big fan of dooce since summer. Not very long I know. But I’ve been busy being a Mom and surfing and now blogging myself. I have to say I’ve been enjoying the momversation vids. They’re short and funny. I’ve been wondering why they don’t seem to have a huge following because the vids definitely have some huge advertisers. I’m not sure if the claim as the most outspoken Mommy bloggers is true, but I do know they are the most savvy. More power to them.

  • Ames

    I’m totally addicted to the Momversation series. They are always so freakin’ funny. And the southern accent… I have it too. Except I don’t say “CROWN” for those little things you color with.

  • Elizabeth

    I love the momversation videos!!!

  • I left all my farts in my pregnancy videos… gives ’em character.

  • Marisa

    Okay seriously, I am not a mommy, and certainly not a mommy blogger, but your website cracks me the hell up. You tell it like it is and I love that.

    I’ve had to reshoot more than one video because of an accidental fart. kickass.

  • What a great idea!

  • robyn

    I loooove Momversation! And what a great title for them…

  • awesome. I loved the conversation about post-partem s-e-x.

  • I love the momversations. I also think it’s really neat to find out what some of my favorite bloggers sounds like. The southern accents always trip me out.

  • Momversations indeed! Let’s all be dooshbag Moms together! And then brilliant, creative moms on…those other days. Oh, the beauty of bearing souls.

  • I’m not a mom, and I love the Momversations!

  • I love the video component! When I read your blog I hear a voice in my head since you write in first person. But now I can have your voice in my head! Hmmm…that maybe a bit concerning…=)

  • Memphis? You’re from Memphis? *sigh* I lived there for 10 years myself. I just read that in your About section when I read the title of this post! Very cool.

  • Brandy in Canada

    Love the momversations, even though I’m not a mom or a mom to be.

    It’s actually a bit scary how many “mommy blogs” I read for someone without children.

  • Kim in Alaska

    Has anyone ever told you how much you look like Cameron Diaz? Seriously!

  • Very cool. I have been watching them. I dig ’em for sure. I understand about the pain in the arse of getting ready, being a work from home person too. I am sitting here, freezing, in slippers with a blanket wrapped around my waist like a bath towel. Lovely.

  • Not a mommy, not even close to being a mommy, but I totally get excited when a new momversation shows up in my reader. I like to think of it as gathering information for when I do decide to grow up & have a child. Or I’m just a big dork…either way 🙂

  • Caitlin

    I’ve been watching the momversations since the first one. I find it sort of..grotesquely fascinating? Especially since I have no children of my own. I’ve enjoyed them all!

  • I laughed right out loud while I read your description of talking about your vagina to the little webcam and that any passerby would think you were talking to yourself… strangely enough, I could envision myself doing the same thing, only my family wouldn’t think twice about it… me? talking to myself? They would just shake their heads and think, “there she goes again”…

    What does that say about me?
    Love your blog- think I’m here to stay!

  • I vote that you eat pie WHILE you talk! I think stuff like this could be a valuable resource for moms- particularly new ones. (I don’t count, my kids all have 4 legs & not in that cool Indian goddess sort of way)Just regular woman talking about stuff that happens. I like it!

  • Emily

    I completely heart the Memphis accent because, ah–I have the exact same one. Though, since I’m still in Memphis as we speak, I think mine is still a bit more intact. 🙂 Keep it up. Pregnant with my first baby, and your blog is making it even more fun!

  • I don’t know what on my computer keeps the videos from loading. Sometimes I can see them, sometimes not. Even as a non-mother, I think it’s a good addition to your blogs.

  • Ava’s Nanny

    Love the momversation sidebar.
    hehehe, fart.
    even the word is secretly funny if you’re sleep deprived.

  • Elisha

    I love the momversations and I’m not a mom! I’ll even watch the episodes that you’re not in! 🙂

    Your blog is great! I was introduced to it a couple years ago though I have remained quiet. I will say that I’ve yet to curse you, even to myself.

    Leta is beautiful and congrats on the new baby! Can’t wait to read about the new adventures!

  • Well, I may a *little* bias, but I love the “Memphis” accent!
    I have gotten away with so many things in my life just by opening my mouth and allowing that Southern twang to roll.
    🙂 🙂 🙂
    Love, love, love the Momversations and this blog!
    I’m so hooked.
    Good job!

  • I talk to my computer but there is no camera so that gets a little weird.

  • I’ve been following the momversations and they are TOTALLY FUNNY. I especially liked the one about losing baby weight because I’ve been having that battle myself. My baby is only 8 months old but OMG, my ginormous ass just keeps growing and growing.

  • Erica Hennings

    love the fart comment….I can hear your father yelling from here. Love from Memphis, E

  • “Why Do We Care About Suri Cruise?”

    You shouldn’t cares about her.

    The Jolie-Pitts are the only ones that should be consuming your attention.

  • I love these, and I’m not even a mom!

    And from one Tennessean to another, you never really lose the twang…I lived in two other states and four European countries before permanently relocating to California and I still find myself slipping (actually, the world “still” usually comes out something like “steel”). I’ve worked so hard to become classy and refined, but alas my roots often get the best of me 😉

  • stella

    REALLY enjoying the Momversation and love that you have the latest ones on our site. You gals are a hoot and I hope that when I am finally able to have a baby that I am able to have these types of conversations with my girlfriends.

  • I’ll admit it – I watched some of the videos and after about oh… two or three, I became scared to have children again.

    Y’all do look positively radiant in the videos, though. I must say.

  • I haven’t even read the post yet, I just wanted to be in the top 50 comments.

    Yea me!

  • Shannon

    I found myself watching a few of these videos last week and even though I’m not a mom and not sure if I ever want to be one, I’m hooked on them.

  • Finally, fabulous women blabbing about what they blog about on camera.

    Sweet idea.

    As a former television reporter…turned TV producer, writer and now blogger I am thrilled that somebody decided to turn the camera on these lovely ladies. Women who have the balls to reveal all their dirty little secrets to intimate strangers.

    Tracy Evans

  • I had to LOL at your accent when I first heard it. I just moved to Florida three months ago, after living in Memphis my entire life. Everyone made fun of my accent while I *was* there, so I expected a lot of crazy looks while I was here, but so far nothing.

    I miss my family, but the city is fucking crazy.

  • My son (who turned five in September) has been asking the where do babies come from question for about a year.

    Apparently, he’s been watching too many birth shows and for a while, he was certain that they chopped up my stomach to get him (they didn’t). Since he was quite disturbed by the idea, I explained to him in the best words I could, that he came out of somewhere else.

    I told him that babies come out near where mommy’s go to the bathroom, but didn’t go into much detail. He mulled it around in his head for a while and then asked me if the doctors take the baby out of the toilet after he or she is born.

    When he asks how they are made, I go through the whole spiel about flowers and seeds and if he presses any further, I offer a cookie.

  • Oh, and the fart comment? HILARIOUS. I about fell out of my seat.

  • Kittens

    7 months!! Girl, I was right there with you. I think I actually hit a year. I guess that what happens when you have your vajayjay ripped open.

  • Shana

    YAY!!! Your baby is due on Flag day!! But you should have your baby on the 13th, then you can have a happy Gemini baby and he or she will be born on my Birthday. Im happy for you Heather. I really hope that we, the internet, can help you with all your questions and good and bad feelings along the way. When its all over you can talk to us. We will help you through it… kind of like a really inexpensive therapist.. except we cant prescribe pills.. we can just talk you offf the proverbial ledge. Im happy or you.. Here is to a healthly happy Doocelette!!!!

  • It would be really good if these videos were subtitled. I’m not able to follow any content otherwise. 🙁

  • ChrisV

    I was thrilled to discover that I’m not the only one who goes to babyrazzi or to celebrity baby scoop, looks at all of the pictures, and then dithers about whether they are entitled to their privacy which then means I CANNOT SEE THEM.

  • I can’t believe people actually take the time to post comments telling you your videos would be better if they were subtitled. Anyway, I LOVE the Momversations! AND I LOVE YOUR LITTLE ACCENT! It’s just as cute as everything else about you, petal. Everyone else can just go subtitle themselves.

  • Jenny

    I LOVE Momversations. It is so refreshing to to find out that my thoughts are shared by other moms who are WAY cooler than me. 🙂

  • I saw the videos on the sidebar recently and love them. I’m not a mom myself – in fact the idea of becoming a mom terrifies me – but the videos make me feel like when the time comes, I won’t be a complete loser at the job… 🙂

  • Monica

    In reference with our fascinaiton with celebrities, I have to just tell you in a non stalker like manner, I am now keeping track of the neck ware in all the momversations. When you repeat I will email you and tell you that I am disappointed in you – I will also include A LOT of exclamation points when I do!!!!

    As always, love the content.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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