An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Behold, the Memphis accent

One of the many projects I’ve been working on recently is a set of discussions called Momversations with a group of other lovely mothers including Maggie and Alice and Rebecca. Once or twice a week we all sit down by ourselves in our own homes across the country and talk into a camera about a different topic, and in the last month we’ve covered pregnancy weight gain, balancing work and motherhood, celebrity gossip, and sex after baby. Sometimes this can be weird because I’m always in the room by myself talking to this little piece of electronic equipment, and if you were standing on the other side of the door you would totally think I was talking to myself. Not that creepy when I’m discussing the grocery budget (maybe a little bit), but it did seem inappropriate to talk to a tiny machine about my vagina. Let’s be honest, there’s a time and a place for that kind of disclosure, and that place is on a blog in front of hundreds of thousands of strangers.

I didn’t know what to expect when I signed up for this, and fortunately everything about the experience has been really pleasant. Everything except for having to put on make-up several times a week. I know, that’s a total First World complaint, how about I amputate a couple of my limbs or have a giant tree fall through my living room and then see how much work it is to whip on some lip gloss. It’s just that the first trimester of pregnancy has stripped me of all sense of vanity and decency, and I’ve had to reshoot more than one video because of an accidental fart. When I’m applying mascara all I can think about is how I could be better spending that time eating pie.

Here’s a sampling of the videos, you can see all of them over at the Momversation website:

Mommy, where do babies come from?

Losing the Baby Weight

Why Do We Care About Suri Cruise?

Sex After Baby

  • K. Rogers

    Yup, those have been my favorite parts of the videos. The, “hun-nerd dollurs” and the “shuuuut uuuyup.”

    I love you, you big hick. ;D

  • Z

    I have a feeling that while you put on make-up and get all dressed up from the waist up for these videos, underneath all of that you are wearing sweatpants / boxer shorts / bunny slippers. Which would be awesome because I’d totally do the same thing. 😛

  • Anonymous

    Heather… you’ve to get a grip ….geeees, do your daughter a favor and just BE REAL. How sad to “put it back on her”. Talk about saddling a 4 year old with YOUR responsibility. Come on, your an adult, grow up, put your own drama on the back-burner for your little girl and be a mommy. Take the older blond’s advice and just say WHAT HAPPENS in 4 year old general terms.

  • Alli

    Those videos were so fun to watch – thanks for sharing! I watched every one. I’m not a mom yet, but we will be trying soon, and I can’t wait to join the club!!

    I also remember my mom asking me what I thought about Santa – I think it would be interesting to hear what Leta says if you ask HER how she thinks the baby got in there! That would be fun for We the Internet Readers to read… 🙂

  • Alli

    p.s. I also work from home and find it a big deal to shower and put on makeup – all in the same day….hehe

  • Anonymous

    The following is the sacred document in Scientology known as OTIII. Scientologists deny it exists as part of their Operating Thetan literature. It was written by L. Ron Hubbard in 1967. Hubbard wrote that if you read this document before you have achieved a level of scholarship, you will get pneumonia and die. The cost to get to that level: $360,000.

    “The head of the Galactic Confederation (76 planets around larger stars visible from here) (founded 95,000,000 yrs ago, very space opera) solved overpopulation (250 billion or so per planet — 178 billion on average) by mass implanting. He caused people to be brought to Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H Bomb on the principal volcanoes (Incident 2) and then the Pacific area ones were taken in boxes to Hawaii and the Atlantic Area ones to Las Palmas and there “packaged.” His name was Xenu. He used renegades. Various misleading data by means of circuits etc. was placed in the implants. When through with his crime (R/)Loyal Officers (to the people) captured him after 6 years of battle and put him in an electronic mountain trap where he still is. “They” are gone. The place (Confed.)has since been a desert.” – Hubbard

    See it in his original handwriting at Learn more about the fight against the criminal cult of Scientology on Make a different by copy-pasting this and posting it somewhere else as part of International Post OTIII Day and in honor of Lisa McPherson, who died on Dec 5 1995 after being starved to death by Scientologists.

  • teetee

    OMG, Dooce, you sound like my friend April from South Carolina. I do miss her so. And she’s very pregant at the same time as you.

    As a dude who shares my wife’s enjoyment of your humor, I thank you for putting yourself out there. All of you are brave and outgoing to share this with the world.

    I do have to ask, though – 7 months? This is just for, er, vaginal intercourse right? I can’t imagine how disconnected both of you would feel at that point. Of course, it could be like a honeymoon again, except for the lactation and the “kiddus interruptus”.

  • #105: WTF?

    Thanks for the videos. I love them. The thing that rocks about blogs and videos and all this stuff is that when I don’t fit in at my local Stepford mommy Gymboree, at least I can go online and relate, even if it is only one-way communication. 🙂

  • Ulla Lauridsen

    Why in the world would you reshoot a segment because you farted? That’s not like you, Heather 🙂

  • When my twin sister’s daughter was ten, she wanted to know where babies come from. My twin was far to embarrassed to explain. So as the Cool Aunt who live thousands of miles away, I volunteered to write it all in a letter to Niece. And I did — many pages, covering everything from menstruation to lust, homosexuality to masturbation, the whole kazoo.

    My sister was too embarrassed to even give her the letter. And she hadn’t even *read* it herself. Wow. I can’t imagine…

  • Very fun. I’ve been watching these!

    Catchy name too!

  • OH, I tried to post this but kicked myself off–I looooooooove Memphis accents!

    I’m from Bartlett myself (right outside Memphis, as Memphis dwellers know).

    I still miss Bartlett Park sometimes, but it’s been many years since I saw it. Cute lil’ sassy accent you got there, Dooce!

  • wheezer345

    Yep, i thought i noticed a slight accent in your talk. But it is nice to finaly hear what you sound like instead of just reading about you.

  • Liv

    Heather, these are fun! I’m not a mother nor will I probably be one any time soon but I still thought they were engaging and will let my mommy friends know about these momversations. Congratulations, too, on your pregnancy – sorry about the morning sickness! Why must elves always be so vengeful?

  • baby-chan

    New masthead is your best yet. Kudos, Its gorgeous, and I hope you keep feeding the baby whatever it wants- (secret prediction is a boy)

  • On where babies come from… my four-year-old recently asked how he got in my tummy. I hemmed and hawed until he came up with his own answer:

    I know! I crawled up your butt!

  • Felicia

    Ohhhh Kkkkkk……. love the momversations. HOWEVER, this panelist, Daphne (Brogan is it)? Probably the most annoying, nails on a chalk board, obviously spoiled stay at home mom with a hubby bringing in the big bucks so she can do this, ughhh… I start to feel the bile rise in the back of my throat just watching her. Can’t even watch momversations now for fear of unending vomit at the sight of that woman… Love ya Heather, but lose this one. She’s contaminating your affiliations….

  • Love the ‘where do babies come from?’ one and ‘Magic Elves’ is a classic.

    But, ummm… does ANYONE care about Suri Cruise? I don’t think I’ve given her a single thought since hearing her name and thinking, “OK that’s a little weird but consider the source.”

  • Was it really 7 months for you? Damn… Josh would probably die. I would probably die.

  • I just got married, and I’m scare to death of having kids. But I’m going to do it anyway, so it’s fun and encouraging to see these and know I’ll be able to relate without the uptight-mommy-brigade making me feel inadequate for not thinking everything is beautiful about child-rearing. It can be funny and ridiculous, and that’s ok. 🙂

  • Jen

    My favorite line, from the losing weight after baby one… “So put that in your pipe and smoke it you… breastfeeding makes you lose weight… people.”

  • When are you gonna do one about sibling rivalry and how not to want to tie one up in a closet? Inquiring minds want to know.

  • Thanks for sharing. Very fun momversation videos.

  • Ames

    I know I’ve already commented once, but I just thought of this. Back when I was very pregnant with Reese, my then 9 year old nephew’s curiosity got the best of him one day. He came up to me and asked, “Amy, do you love Reese?” and I said “Of course I love her. Why?” and he thought for a moment and said “Well if you love her, then why did you EAT her?!”

    I told my sister that I had the feeling she was going to have to answer some pretty interesting questions very soon.

  • Mindy is AWESOME! That’s the same exact way I feel about the “where do babies come from” topic and that’s how I approched it with my daughter when she asked.

    Loved it.

  • I love Momversations. What a fantastic idea!

  • Pepper

    I am laughing over here. Let me tell you about the “tree falling into the livingroom” When my son was born, everything we owned was in a moving van because he came a month early. We were supposed to be moved into our new home by the time he arrived. So, when I came home with him, my 3 year old in tow, there was the biggest mess you had ever seen. By the time he was 2 weeks, we had fully unpacked but I was beat! I had a newborn, a NOT well adjusting 3 year old, and a new house. One afternoon, as the kids slept, it began to storm. Living in Texas, I am used to summer storms, so I curled up for a nap. I woke up a little later to someone screaming “OH MY LORD, ARE YOU OKAY”. Ummmm, yeah and why the HE** are you in my house? ” I came in through the hole”. Ummmm, HOLE????? Yes, in my post baby coma I slept through a tornado, picking up a 100 year-old tree and slamming it through my formal living room roof. To make it better, I assured the person I was okay, checked on the kids, and laid back down for a few before calling for help. Yes, I was that worn out.

  • Anonymous

    Very cool concept, I think that I may be sucked in already.

  • Linda

    everytime I hear you talk it freaks me out because I’ve always given you a british accent even tho I know you are from Utah… Oh.. huge fan!

  • Love the Momversations and I am not even a Mom! Very informative and genuine — I appreciate the honesty and different points of view.

  • Lilla

    Lovesit! Heather, the hair has to come down from the ponytail and an occasional brush wouldn’t hurt either. Can you post the clips with the accidential fart? 🙂 hehe
    But seriously, well done, keep them coming.

  • Marta in Austin

    I can’t watch video at work, but I do have eyeballs, and y’all are some HOT MOMS! And yeah, I don’t think anyone would give a rat’s ass if you farted…

  • I totally think you should have kept the takes in there with the farts. Real reality momversation, I think.

  • the gossip sucks me in. *throws myself on the ground* it’s like chocolate… i try to resist, but at the end of the day, i accept that it’s going to make my ass fat.

    … wait.

  • Amy

    I find the “momversations” smug and boring. Sorry…

  • Kristy

    Another non-mommy that thinks these videos are great.

    By the way, I have a Tennessee/Texas combination accent. I may just have you beat!

  • Kristy

    Another non-mommy that thinks these videos are great.

    By the way, I have a Tennessee/Texas combination accent. I may just have you beat!

  • Getting a comment on here is like cutting in on a first dance.

    You said you can smell people’s pores. I know that smell. Been wanting to tell you that when I was pregnant, I could smell people’s deodorant. I could ID the brand and flavor.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for confessing that you didn’t have sex for 7 months after having Leta. My son is 6.5 months old and I’ve only had sex with my husband once — and we couldn’t even finish because I just wasn’t into it. I’ve been feeling so ashamed! Thanks for normalizing my life.

  • Heather J

    HORRAY!!! Simone (my daughter) is 11mos old, and I’ve tried being all devoted to going to the gym, and then admonishing myself because I wasn’t spending all the time possible with her, after work.. so I have been toting around an extra.. 40lbs? that just isn’t budging.. *sigh* but now that she’s more active, I find that I’m dropping a pound here and there.. so that’s good.

    and sex after the baby? IMMEDIATELY afterwards (like after delivery, before the epidural wore off) I so wanted to get laid… but that feeling quickly died as the pain returned, and has YET to return! Since then, between being mad at my finace for being a douche, not spending more time at home, being a ‘better father’ (in my mind) and just being flat out exhausted.. I’d rather spend my time sleeping, thank you very much. I hope the wanting comes back for me.,cuz this being non ANYTHING except a mom and a worker bee is driving me coo-coo banana splits.

  • Amy

    I like how you say boobs. Too cute.

  • Lisa

    I have to admit that I am absolutely addicted to the momversation series. I don’t have kids and don’t ever plan on having them, but I find these videos charming, funny, AND informative–even though I have yet to figure out what Mindy’s “grapefruit tumor” was.

    I love the production values on the videos and it really adds a nice dimension to be able to see faces and glimpses into decor, etc.

  • Anonymous

    can’t you ladies just lose the whole make-up show? you’re all gorgeous anyway 🙂

  • i have been watching the momversation ever since you got involved and i’m absolutely LOVING it. what’s better than listening to a group of smart, witty women talk about important lady issues? well…one or two things involving teenage vampires, but this is really good.

  • Pregnancy or no pregnancy, your time is ALWAYS better spent eating pie than applying mascara. Always.

  • Gladys

    I think that you will be pretty embarrassed when your kids turn into tweens and see their mom talking about hand jobs, blow jobs, etc. Wait until you become part of their school community. They will be shunned.

  • Mascara becomes you though! You look great, despite the farts…. and I just have to say to comment number 145… how flattering that you think the videos will be so widely known by the time her kids are in school that she would be shunned. That would be impressive!

  • i just stumbled across your blog and love love love it!!!!

    thanks for letting us all into your life!

  • As a coming-to-be parent who is about 3 weeks ahead of your pregnancy (BTW, VERY excited about yours!), I find these momversations poignant, funny, and just kind of generally relieving. In general, my husband and I are kind of coping with pregnancy as this thing we have to get through before we try to get our lives back to normal, plus one. And the fact that deep down, I know it won’t be like that, scares the bajeezuz out of me. So thanks for providing me with some kind of indirect support. It is helping me, and I’m sure many others.

  • Sweet Herald

    Maybe it’s just me, but I keep waiting to hear the other moms cuss on there.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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