the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation:

youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get pregnant and talk about useless stuff so youre a free rider with nothing better to do in life and you dont work god you suck

I’m trying to wrap my head around this one, so bear with me… a slut who loves to fuck her husband? Is this a new brand of slut that I don’t know about? The husband-fuckers? Women who love to go around screwing the men they’re committed to? Because I thought those people were called wives.

This one also reminds me of a few uninteresting hatemails I got back when I announced my pregnancy from people who were all I TOLD YOU SO! CAN’T TAKE THE MORMON OUT OF THE GIRL! I guess because Mormons typically have large families, and my decision to have a second child proves that I’m trying to populate the entire world with my uterus. You know, they’re right. Except I’m not having more than one kid to increase the ranks of my religion. In fact, the only reason I decided to have another child is so that should the need arise and my own stop working, I’ll have a wider variety of kidneys to choose from. This is a Mormon teaching known as Emergency Preparedness.

  • arely

    2009/03/13 at 12:11 pm


    too good to be true.

    but it is!

  • Kate

    2009/03/13 at 12:12 pm

    How weird.

    By the way, you are RADIANT! Love the new picture and interview. I do wish you had interviewed with Kathy Lee. Would have been an epic throwdown.

  • Elizabeth_K

    2009/03/13 at 12:13 pm

    I hate it when women love to fuck their husbands! The horror! The absolute horror … I’m glad someone finally called you on it. Can you PLEASE stop hugging your child (soon to be children), too? IT’S AWFUL. What else, what else? Oh yeah, you are always SMILING.

    Seriously, you are awesome, as I hope you know.

  • Daddy Scratches

    2009/03/13 at 12:13 pm

    This is the real reason why I want the popularity of my blog to continue to grow: so that I, too, can draw more of these troglodyte spawn out into the open.

  • LJH

    2009/03/13 at 12:14 pm

    I love the witty replies to your hatemail. I would like to thank your sarcasm for once again making my day!

  • Carrie

    2009/03/13 at 12:14 pm

    That is amazing.

  • Margie

    2009/03/13 at 12:14 pm

    I’m with you on that one. . sluts who fuck their husbands..hmmm would guess there are alot of us in that catagory . . and damn proud of it!!

  • Molly

    2009/03/13 at 12:14 pm

    My god, can you imaginge being married to that bacon stain of a reader? Wow. Is all of your hatemail that bizarre?

  • Anonymous

    2009/03/13 at 12:14 pm

    Wow that is harsh…not to mention completely senseless.

  • Debs

    2009/03/13 at 12:15 pm

    I’m sorry that people post such nasty things.

  • Deb

    2009/03/13 at 12:15 pm

    From one husband-fucker slut to another:

    I’m a husband-fucker, you’re a husband-fucker, wouldn’t you like to be a husband-fucker too?

    All join in…..

  • Jen

    2009/03/13 at 12:16 pm

    Hahaha! Free rider? Yeah, Heather, all you do is sit around and do nothing. Geezzz, get off that prego butt and DO SOMETHING!

  • Jenny

    2009/03/13 at 12:16 pm

    You’re a strong woman. You take a beating for doing things so many of us would aspire to do ourselves. You’re amazing

  • Jennifer

    2009/03/13 at 12:16 pm

    So if you have nothing better to do with your life then this website, why is Mr. or Mrs. No Punctuation even taking the time to not only read your posts, but then take the extra effort to send you hate mail?

    Got to love the haters!

    As for me, love! I’m so excited to see you in Colorado in April.

  • Anonymous

    2009/03/13 at 12:16 pm

    Heather–you friggin rock and this moron is a giant tool of the lowest order, who clearly knows nothing of nouns, verbs, subjects, and predicates. BTW the TV spot was great too! The camera did NOT seem to add 10 pounds at all.

  • Sara

    2009/03/13 at 12:16 pm

    Oh, I HOPE you and Jon got a long, rib-hurting laugh out of that one, b/c I did.

  • Ashley

    2009/03/13 at 12:16 pm

    LOL!!! YOU ARE SO HILLARIOUS! I’m hoping I can come meet you at your book signing in LA…anyways I’m glad you are a slut that loves to fuck your husband…it is a new breed you know….

  • Sarah @

    2009/03/13 at 12:17 pm

    Hey, I’m one of the husband-fuckers too! Look at us crazy, pregnant, husband-fucking sluts! GO TEAM US!

  • Sonia

    2009/03/13 at 12:17 pm

    Hahaha… wow… I sense some jealousy there.

  • moggit girls

    2009/03/13 at 12:17 pm

    Okay – it would take a WHOLE LOT OF MONEY for us to put up with emails like that. Maybe this ‘bloggin’ for a livin’ deal ain’t all it’s cracked up to be?

    Gotta go – we both must go have sex with our husbands…

    Joy and Janet
    the moggit girls

  • barbara

    2009/03/13 at 12:17 pm

    I am looking forward to the day that I too can be a husband fucker, and not just a regular slut. and smart plan with the kidney manufacturing.

  • Melissa

    2009/03/13 at 12:17 pm


    I laughed so hard at this one.

    BTW Heather, you are so not fat. You look fabulous! I wished I looked as cute as you when I was preggers, keep up the great job of free riding, slutting around with your husband and talking about useless ‘stuff’.

  • wendi

    2009/03/13 at 12:18 pm

    It totally sucks you get so much hate mail. For what it’s worth, I think you ROCK!

  • Ashley

    2009/03/13 at 12:18 pm

    geez I’m still laughing and trying to keep it in since I’m at my cube at work! I think this has been one of your best posts!

  • the mighty jimbo

    2009/03/13 at 12:18 pm

    eureka! who needs federal funding for stem cell research when you can just grow your own kidneys at home!

  • Bea

    2009/03/13 at 12:19 pm

    Fucking Mormon HUSBAND FUCKER.


  • Kristan

    2009/03/13 at 12:20 pm

    Uh oh. I only sleep with one guy, but I’m not married to him. What kind of horrible monster does that make me?!

  • Cathy

    2009/03/13 at 12:20 pm

    Bless you for making me laugh out loud on this beautiful sunny Friday in Arizona while I sit in my shithole cubicle at a floudering piece of shit HMO full of the most incompetent boobs ever spawned. You rock.

  • Anonymous

    2009/03/13 at 12:20 pm

    Will someone please think of the children! We must take a stand and stop these husband-fuckers, from destroying the sanctity of marriage.

    The horror!

  • JP

    2009/03/13 at 12:20 pm

    That is so many brands of awesome.

    And by awesome, I mean that I am so sad for the society that breeds that much crazy.

  • amanda

    2009/03/13 at 12:21 pm

    Um, that is AWESOME. I only WISH I got hatemail like that. It would totally make my day.

  • Ania

    2009/03/13 at 12:21 pm

    Wow. Some people’s rants don’t even make sense.

  • Cathy

    2009/03/13 at 12:22 pm

    P.S. Come to Phoenix on your book tour. PLEASE!

  • Annette

    2009/03/13 at 12:22 pm

    Occasionally, when someone nags me about not wanting to have another child, I quip, “Just because you needed a spare in case of emergencies doesn’t mean I ascribe to the same mentality.” It’s not nice, nor is it true, BUT IT FEELS GOOD TO SAY.

    The ONLY sure thing in matters dealing with procreation: It is never, ever a good idea (or physically safe) to ask a woman her due date until you are 100% certain she is, in fact, pregnant.

    Everything else is festering hotbed of anger and dissenting opinions.

  • just_roberta

    2009/03/13 at 12:22 pm

    so, how does Jon feel about you being a slut who fucks her husband.

  • Rosa

    2009/03/13 at 12:22 pm

    I am guessing that person is married and doesn’t fuck with the spouse…so maybe that is the reason they are surprised that there are people out there who actually love to “fuck” their spouses.

    I love your webpage and your comments.

  • Shelly in St. Louis

    2009/03/13 at 12:23 pm

    Never really posted before, but have read Dooce for quite some time. I cannot believe that people have nothing better to do with their time – sheesh!

    Anyway, you rock Dooce – keep up the GREAT job.

  • KAT

    2009/03/13 at 12:24 pm

    This one goes down as one of the best Dooce posts! Hard to ever select just one, but definitely a hall of famer here. Damn that’s funny. Nice job.

  • Jillian

    2009/03/13 at 12:25 pm

    Thanks for the great laugh!!! You can’t even be mad at a person like that because it is so ridiculous:) They might have to worry about God though, because I think they told him he sucks!!!

    I found out about your blog through and have been addicted ever since. Thanks for fucking your husband, getting pregnant, and talking about useless stuff because I truly enjoy reading about it.

  • Kate

    2009/03/13 at 12:25 pm

    Wow, the looser who wrote you that is an idiot on so many levels. I remember an episdoe of Dharma and Greg where they get caught having sex in the car. Greg is running for or currently holding a political position and is upset that he will lose the race or his job. Instead, the newspapers run the story of him as a good guy – he actually has sex with his own wife and isn’t out there cheating.

    I had better have a good sex life when I finally find Mr. Right, because it sure stinks right now! Three cheers from me to all of the happy, “slutty” couples that have a good sex life!


  • Andrea

    2009/03/13 at 12:26 pm

    I seriously think that “husband fucker” needs to be your masthead for the month of April, it’s just too hilarious to not capitalize on!

  • Kate

    2009/03/13 at 12:26 pm

    I don’t usually comment, but this one is too funny! :o)

    I’m pregnant with #2 as well… (after 6 years of being a slut with my husband) I never thought about the kidney reason, but since we’re planning on having three kids total and two kids is all many people think you need, I’m totally going to use that line someday in the future when someone makes an idiotic comment. Thanks!

    p.s. Your voice on TV didn’t sound anything like I imagine it to when I read your posts. Not in a bad way, I was just surprised that it wasn’t like I had imagined!

  • the girL

    2009/03/13 at 12:26 pm

    That was awesome! I really love how the haters don’t realize how dumb they are. You are great… thanks for sharing with us.
    And by the way, you look fantastic! XOXO

  • Lisa

    2009/03/13 at 12:26 pm

    I JUST HOPE YOUR HATE MAIL WRITER DOES NOT BREED. OMG!!! Thanks so much for sharing that right away today. I NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH as my morning has been idiot-filled and frustrating!!!!!!!!!

  • celeste

    2009/03/13 at 12:27 pm

    thanks for the laugh – i really neded one today.

  • Cathy

    2009/03/13 at 12:27 pm

    So funny! Thanks for making me laugh. God, I had no idea… but I think I am a slutty husband fucker too.

  • Annady

    2009/03/13 at 12:28 pm

    Can’t stop laughing! Thanks.

  • Britt

    2009/03/13 at 12:28 pm

    While hate mail generally sucks, it might almost be worth having a few haters to get the occasional (I hope) gem like that one.

    Looking forward to the Seattle leg of your tour!

  • Kristi

    2009/03/13 at 12:28 pm

    Man, is my husband PISSED, because I have been telling him that since I was a slut, I totally shouldn’t be fucking my husband. This hate-mailer has just blown my cover story right out of the water, because now he’s all YOU TOLD ME SLUTS DON’T FUCK HUSBANDS! I guess I better start warming up my uterus now. DAMN.

    Hmm. Coincidentally, my captcha today is “of underskirt”. That’s what HE said! Ba-dum-bum.

  • Jack

    2009/03/13 at 12:29 pm

    It’s very inspiring to see how you’ve taken all the hate mail in stride. A lot of people on the internet now are getting their 15 minutes (whether they like it or not) and after being on the internet for decades, I’m still surprised how hateful a person becomes after you give them a cloak of anonymity and a celebrity punching bag.

    You are the coolest husband-lovin’ slut on the internet.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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