Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation:

youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get pregnant and talk about useless stuff so youre a free rider with nothing better to do in life and you dont work god you suck

I’m trying to wrap my head around this one, so bear with me… a slut who loves to fuck her husband? Is this a new brand of slut that I don’t know about? The husband-fuckers? Women who love to go around screwing the men they’re committed to? Because I thought those people were called wives.

This one also reminds me of a few uninteresting hatemails I got back when I announced my pregnancy from people who were all I TOLD YOU SO! CAN’T TAKE THE MORMON OUT OF THE GIRL! I guess because Mormons typically have large families, and my decision to have a second child proves that I’m trying to populate the entire world with my uterus. You know, they’re right. Except I’m not having more than one kid to increase the ranks of my religion. In fact, the only reason I decided to have another child is so that should the need arise and my own stop working, I’ll have a wider variety of kidneys to choose from. This is a Mormon teaching known as Emergency Preparedness.

  • Teres

    Ha ha LOVE your reply as usual.

  • jen

    Ive been enjoying your blog for a while now and i knew it all along. Deep down inside something told me you were a HUSBAND FUCKER.

    You dirty bird.

  • Christa

    Oh god how dare you fuck your husband..wow tell that person to get a life

  • Ashley

    I wish I could see the hate mail she sends to Paris Hilton! Or Angelina… That person was right. You suck for being a husband-fucking, successful woman and mother of two. I hate your dogs too. Why don’t mine stay like Chuck? Or look like costco’s stuffed animal version of a miniature border collie?

  • Anonymous

    Please, please, please create a new masthead that reads…….HUSBAND FUCKER; diary of a pregnant slut!

  • Andrea

    And how dare this idiot tell you that you write about useless stuff.

    I find a lot of what you write about to be helpful – even if it is just a laugh at the end of my day. God knows that is useful to me.

    Your website is one of only 3 blogs I check daily. Thank you for what you do.

  • Anonymous

    Lol, that made me laugh for a long time :)! Thank you for sharing that…well, if you are a mom of 2…what would would you call a mom of 3 (which I am). Lol, sheesh…seems like mr/ms. no punctuation might need a lesson in more than punctuation.

    Hugs,
    catherine

  • dooced

    Heather,

    About your book tour. The Books Inc in Mt. View is not SF. Just thought I’d clear that up.

  • I wish my blog generated hate mail. Then I would know that I had attained massive success. Congratulations.

  • Haven’t you heard about the new trend: Monogamous, Married Whores? They’re right up there with chaste high schoolers (oversexed punks!) and nuns.

    Notice I didn’t say priests.

  • Darlene

    You’ve totally just invented a whole new genre of slut! Sleeping with your husband AND getting pregnant? Unbelievable!

    Also, it’s a proven fact that the more kids you have the less chores you yourself have to do as they get older. It’s a win-win situation, no?

    I can’t wait for you to come to Chicago!

  • Kelly2

    Does this make Jon a wife-fucking man whore? I hope so because I don’t want you setting female equality back 50 years.

  • Ky Eliza

    Heeeee. Heather, don’t you realize that you aren’t supposed to fuck your husband? You’re supposed to lie back and think of England, DUH.

  • Well, hey – at least they’re entertaining.

  • No, let me explain. Slut=female who enjoys sex.

    A good woman hates sex.

    I think someone had one two many avant garde poetry classes in college, hm? The tragic damage that ee cummings has done to society. It makes me weep.

  • Melissa

    I so hope I’m that cool in 10 years (for the record, I’m 21, not like, 40). I was already sarcastic enough before I started reading this… but your blog just made me more sarcastic.

    You have to appreciate that she knows the difference between your and you’re though (kind of)! With comments like that, we have to appreciate the simple things.

  • cat

    Gosh. Wow. That person skipped a lot of school, and evidently church too.

    Unless our comments (any of them) actually do provide fodder for the blog mill, why not skip reading them them? Kinda like looking at porn or watching slasher movies; does your brain benefit from the extra information? Isn’t it full enough?

    Thank you for sharing the comment though, I am always amazed that I live on the same planet with people who feel compelled to vomit on others they don’t even know. And, and, isn’t that person’s brain full of enough slutty, trash talkin’, baby makin’, husband-fucking to fill their day? Why hang around??

  • Jessica

    I think you should reply to that email WHILE fucking your husband! I’d suggest sending a picture but that’s probably what the idiot is hoping you’ll do.

  • miltoncat

    But… but… my husband WANTS me to be a husband-fucking slut. Like, he encourages it. Nightly.

    He sighs and says, “If only you were a real husband-fucking slut. BE MORE SLUTTY LIKE THAT.”

  • liz a.

    wow….someone was really crabby! ouch! how sad that there are really people who think it is okay to talk like, much less not be able to spell, or punctuate! sigh! it is almost pitiful! another sigh! by the way, i love your blog, you looked great on the today show…and i certainly didn’t think you looked fat, you looked healthy and happy …..so there! yay for you!

  • So, I usually just read your blog and don’t comment because I’m not nearly as witty as you, nor am I a mother or wife who can comment with life-relating stories.

    But this post felt like the appropriate place to say I absolutely love following your blog (and Twitter; oh God I am so sorry if that’s stalkerish.) because it all gives me something to aspire towards.

    Fuck ’em all and keep doing what you do!

    Brittany

  • cris

    In the words of the great Carlin: when did being a good woman become a bad word?…

  • Heather,

    Thanks for making me laugh. Everyday.

    Elana

  • SuzieQ

    Ignorance is curable, stupidity is forever.

  • Dammit. I knew I was doing this slut thing wrong all these years…I just knew it!

  • mpl

    Reading this site is one my favorite after work leisure activities..Please do keep up the good writing and showing the finger to hate mails. Thanks.
    BTW you look gorgeous!

  • Shannon

    I think “husband fucking slut” is going to be my new go-to confusing insult.

  • Talon

    *pout* I wish you were coming closer to me (here in the LOVELY state of Michigan where it’s fifty degrees today with no snow in sight…I won’t mention the blizzards we’ve had in March, April…May…) than Chicago. Chicago is COLD!! Even by Michigan standards!! And it’s all windy!! Wouldn’t you rather come to a nice, medium sized capitol city where I might possibly live and so I can make a total fool of myself in public?

    Damnit, if I hadn’t JUST had a visit from my sugar momma, I KNOW I could convince her to take me to Chicago…she wants to anyway…but we did just have the past weekend together…even though we both ended up sick…her with strep and me with some kind of creeping crud that isn’t strep.

    TMI? Not when it comes to meeting Dooce…(you make me hate my given name a tiny bit less. But then you look way more like a “Heather” than I do.)

  • Glad

    I’m also a husband fucking slut and I think your site is great!!

    I think it means you’ve “made it” when you get hate mail from idiots.

    Love your work.

    airynothings.com

  • Lauren

    There are so many masthead ideas in that one, I don’t know where to begin. I think I like “free rider” tho’…

    Thank you for continuing this fantastic blog in spite of all the people who actually take time out of their lives to send an e-mail like that one. You rock.

  • shannon

    haha! maybe the *her* in “loves to fuck her husband” is someone else. are you fucking HER husband, her, over there? because, then i could understand. you slut.
    see you in portland!

  • Damn!
    I knew there was a reason Miss Carol and me should have had kids! A kidney pool!
    Who knew?

  • suzy

    wouldn’t it be fun to have this in their handwriting and to have it analyzed.

  • So I’m a slut everytime I fuck my husband? I’ll have to ask the hubs what he thinks about that?

    I abhor bad grammar and punctuation. Get a dictionary, use spell check, but get it right!

    I’m not a Mormon and I’m trying to populate the world, I wonder what that makes me?

    BTW, you look absolutely beautiful. I only look like a beached whale when carrying a little devil inside of me. It’s not fair, what I wouldn’t give for the little “baketball tummy”.

  • The hate mail is ridiculous and ignorant. Your response, however, is hilarious. I’d never thought of the extra kidney plan. I may now, immediately, have to jump on the procreation wagon. Must go find myself a slut-maker.

  • Did ee cummings send that email? Shit, girl, maybe you can print it out, sell it on ebay, and make some BIG BUCKS. Then if the kidney harvesting thing doesn’t work out, at least you’d have some financial reserves to use on the internal organ black market. Just a thought…

  • Nicole

    You have made my day! I laughed. And then I was in shock that someone could be so ridiculous.

    You kick ass, your blog is hilarious and I can’t wait for your book to come out! I hope to make it to your signing…but a little 8 month old midget may be dictating whether that happens or not.

    Hope your hate mailers piss off and leave you alone.

  • Stacey

    Heather,
    That is so hilarious. I can’t believe you go around fucking your husband like that…how rude.
    You look great.

  • What a terrible email. Put that trash behind you and let it go as best you can. I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks now and I think it’s great. Also, I read the first few pages of your new book on ‘google books’ and I thought it was really, really good. You are a talented story teller. I can’t wait for the book to be released! Take care, have a great weekend, Jodi / Joy Discovered

  • Mel

    My name is Slut-Mama and I’m a Husband Fucker too. Guess that makes my husband a Mother Fucker. Can he be a slut? Inquiring minds want to know!!

    Man, how that baby hasn’t fallen out from all the laughing-until-you-pee mail, I don’t know. You are a Slutty Husband Fucker with a Super Strong Uterus!!

  • Just Me

    It is truly a world gone mad, in a world of those that live without punctuation & in their own bubble of reality. It does make for entertainment, tho! BTW, have you seen the soup with the Princesses on it? I thought of Leta!

  • Heather B

    I bet you anything the person who wrote that was like 13!

  • Mama Anachronism

    That made my husband and I laugh ourselves stupid.

    Thank you so much for posting that. It was a much needed distraction.

  • Anonymous

    ack, that’s what happens when the devil’s spawn learns how to type.
    Look on the bright side, this moron will be miserable for eternity, and that starts NOW.

    keep makin’ us laugh from your living room and let the jealous ride the wave

  • Emergency preparedness!!! I LOVE IT.
    I was always a regular reader of Dooce, but then life got in the way of me coming here all the time for my Dooce fix. But I’m back and now I realise just how much I missed your posts. Thank you for brightening my day once again, can’t wait to read more and more….

  • Kathleen

    I really hope that husband fucker will catch on as the new “it” label for married women. From car companies trying to draw in husband fucker drivers to politcians courting the husband fuckers vote, we’ll be the toast of the town.

  • Shelly

    Fantastic work Heather, keep it up. Your blog keeps me sane most of the time. Thanks for the laughs.

  • Damnit! I didn’t think to do the kidney farm thing ~ and now I have no uterus.

    Husband Fuckers Unite! (with or without a uterus)

    (mangogirlsramblings.blogspot.com ~ come on all you hate mail writers! I would love to hear from you!)

  • Siobhan

    I too, had been unaware of this particular brand of harlot.

    That comment is hilarious! Odd that while lacking punctuation, the flamer (and not the good kind) used the correct form of you’re.

  • Doug

    Dooce, this is great. Look at all the posts of support. It’s not hate mail, it’s hateful people, who really don’t realize how much they really hurt themselves with this drivel.

    Drivel. That’s funny. Lol. Drivel. I just found that word on the web. I like it.