This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation:

youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get pregnant and talk about useless stuff so youre a free rider with nothing better to do in life and you dont work god you suck

I’m trying to wrap my head around this one, so bear with me… a slut who loves to fuck her husband? Is this a new brand of slut that I don’t know about? The husband-fuckers? Women who love to go around screwing the men they’re committed to? Because I thought those people were called wives.

This one also reminds me of a few uninteresting hatemails I got back when I announced my pregnancy from people who were all I TOLD YOU SO! CAN’T TAKE THE MORMON OUT OF THE GIRL! I guess because Mormons typically have large families, and my decision to have a second child proves that I’m trying to populate the entire world with my uterus. You know, they’re right. Except I’m not having more than one kid to increase the ranks of my religion. In fact, the only reason I decided to have another child is so that should the need arise and my own stop working, I’ll have a wider variety of kidneys to choose from. This is a Mormon teaching known as Emergency Preparedness.

  • Ashley

    LOL thats just too funny. Really what an idiot.

  • To piss more people off, I think you should add a Bourbon countdown ticker to the site. Every day, it’d count down to your first Makers Mark of the new post-second-child incubation world.

    Sidenote: Love your tits in that top. (Name that movie.)

  • I fucking hate the anonymous haters! One of my bigger blog friends told me when the trolls start coming, you will know you’ve arrived. I can’t even imagine what YOU have to deal with! HOLY SHIT!

    Thank you for sharing that little gem with us.

    As for “emergency preparedness”, Oh my Hell, I was laughing my ass off. As a disgruntled Mormon myself, I totally get you. TOO FUNNY

  • Laura

    Hey, even if there was a lack of apostrophes, at least he used the correct your/you’re/yore! Although, I haven’t seen “yore” used very often these past few decades or so. That would have been interesting!

  • Melissa

    Wow, I hardly know why I’d comment after 143 others have thrown their two cents in…but here I go!
    As a recovering Mormon 5 months pregnant myself, CHEERS to emergency preparedness! (or, hold the CHEERS for a few more months) That was fabulous. I just found your blog recently and I love it! I look forward to your posts everyday.

  • pam

    I wish if you have to get hate mail it could at least be pithy and well written. Is that too much to ask?

  • P.s-I was so excited to come see you in Hollywood for the booktour. Then I saw that it is the week before my wedding, and I was so dissapointed. Can you come twice? Please. No? Ok.

  • Amy

    I don’t want to encourage this sort of hate mail, but a fantastic post would be an “interview” with this hate mailer. I am dying to know exactly what sort of a whack-job of a human wrote that.

    I’m not a husband-fucker at the moment, but you can be sure I aspire to be one.

    Keep up the good work, Dooce.

  • You get funny hate mail from very stupid people. And I agree with Sara P #152 a Bourbon ticker would be awesome and would surely piss people off. I didn’t know that having two children made you Mormon…lol…love the blog…truly!!!

  • Jen

    Heather, you rock!

  • Jen

    Nothing but….LOL!

  • kelsey

    the hilarity ensues! i don’t get why these people even write to you…seems a little hypocritical for them to admit they’re even reading your site. you’re awesome, they’ll get theirs, karma’s a b!tch!

  • How do you deal with e-mails like that?! Gah, more than taking those to heart, they would simply infuriate me. Why do people waste their time making a fool of themselves?

    I just don’t get it.

    P.S.) I can’t wait to see you in Denver!!! 😀

  • Lizzy

    Oh for the love of…

    How can people this stupid live? One would think their lack of brain cells would have killed them by now.

    “Hey y’all… watch this!”

    p.s. I’ll drink heavily for you. I’ve already over-populated the earth with three well-read citizens. I’m going to hell in a handbag.

  • best interpretation of emergency preparedness of all time!

    makes me almost want to have my own emergency kit…i mean kid. but i think i’ll just count on all those extras everyone else is having.

  • I enjoy reading your site. Thats about all I need to know about you it really doesn’t matter if I agree or disagree with you….why do so many people feel it’s their right to comment on your life? And why is there way of life right and yours wrong? Also has this person actually ever read your blog? I’m so confused and lost now haha

  • Sweet Herald

    Snort!
    At least they correctly spelled “you’re.”
    Married, pregnant sluts in boots! Lawd.

  • Hahah, this just made my day!! I love your sarcasm!!

  • Andia M

    A friend of mine turned me on to your site. I love how honest and funny you are!
    So YOU DON’T SUCK!! YOU ROCK!!

  • Kristen from MA

    Fuck the haters, Heather! Fuck ’em!

  • E2WCoastMom

    Stunning. Stupefying. Wild. The intensity with which people rave is always striking to me. There are so many wise “golden rules” that could help guide us all from such behaviour:

    *treat others the way you would like to be treated, or
    *if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all

    Alternately, one could try to be mature, and have a sensible conversation to understand what drives us to make different choices in this world. This could even bring us together…

    Oh. Wait. I was dreaming. Sorry about that.

    As I reflect back on the note, I’ve decided it comes from a married man who is jealous and doesn’t get any.

    Thanks for sharing and hang in there!

  • Amy

    You get the best emails!

  • Annie

    It’s so sad to see how needlessly hateful people can be. Sorry you have to deal with all of this!

  • Liz

    wait, wait, WAIT!!! this post is so funny, heather. i looove your writing. love it. you’re the bomb.

  • Katie

    Damn! I’m a wife and a stay-at-home-mother of two kids. I had no idea I was so hated for doing such horrible things such as loving my husband and raising my kids! I think I need a margarita now.

    Thanks for brightening my day with your sarcasm!

  • One day….I will be a husband fucker again.

    In the meantime, I’ll just be a regular slut 😉

  • Marisol

    Right on!!

  • There are some brilliantly intelligent people reading your blog (obviously). So brilliant they don’t need to use punctuation (obviously).

    Aren’t you lucky?

    Two words: Lame.

    At least you can laugh at it. xx

  • I’m sure there’s some protocol about how you’re not supposed to give mouth-breathers like this any kind of attention, but the truth is I’m glad you do because it makes me feel so much better about myself. Even on my worst day, I can punctuate like a motherfucker.

  • Dar

    Your husband must be delighted that you’re such a slut. What if you only want to fuck once a week or so…. are you still a slut? No, but seriously I have friends who would LOVE to become slutty husband fuckers and you know, they are some really good people. So ya, it is something to aspire to become. And it doesn’t make you a bad person.

  • Amy

    Your comparison of a slut to a wife literally made me spit my soda across the room. Thank you– I really needed a great laugh. It’s been a long week. Maybe I can ‘be a wife’ this weekend and it will all be better (:

    PS See you in Seattle in a couple weeks!

  • Tricia

    @41 I agree– Please use this in a future masthead. Also love the idea of a Team HFS t-shirt… even though no one would understand it.

    Thanks again for sharing your journey with us. You look beautiful!

  • I wonder if they realized the message would be MUCH better received with punctuation!!! I mean if you are going to call a someone a slut shouldn’t there be at least a few exclamation points?

  • Lola

    Well, I guess we all know what George W. has been up to… he’s done found himself da internet …

  • I think the person who wrote that clearly needs to get laid and/or remove the extremely large pole sticking out of their asshole.
    Yikes

  • Suzanne

    Oh Geeeez. I’ll learn not to eat at the Computer. First I get mad at the Moron’s comment. No prob there. Start chomping harder and faster on the apple. Then I get to Deb’s Comment.. Husband Fucker Song. Burst out laughing. Now there’s apple chunks all over my monitor. Good thing I’m at work. Wouldn’t wanna ruin MY computer. 🙂
    Seriously. I’m for selective schooling. Obviously this person missed MOST days and didn’t learn to write. I can’t believe they taught it to READ! I’m truly hoping it doesn’t vote.

    You rock Heather! Enjoy the idiots.. cuz that’s really all you can do with them.

  • Stacy Hamby

    Kind of scary. Even the Puritans were allowed to enjoy sex and they burned people alive.

  • Well, I’m a HUGE slut then.

  • Tricia

    Oh, and thanks for shedding light on another possible reason Octomom has so many children. Organ farm.

    Lord, I apologize………

  • megan

    you tell that poor grammar loser to suck it 🙂

  • Maude

    ~snort~

  • AnnieBoNanie

    Ha!
    WTF! I’m almost speechless on this one. What was the subject line on this ladies email? I wonder what she read on your blog that got her so upset… *blinks* I don’t get it.
    A good laugh though, none the less. I’m not a husband fucking slut yet but I hope to be one day and man, am I looking forward to it.

  • I didn’t read all 185 comments so maybe someone has already said this but I think this is made up hater mail. The person just wanted to see if they could construct a hate mail that would get posted on your blog. It’s the America’s Funniest Home Video syndrome where people invent a video just to get viewed.

  • Are you sure that wasn’t from Kathie Lee?

  • Wow!How dare you actually be happy with your spouse and chose to have children. What is the world coming to?

    Well as a fellow husband f**ker and breeder welcome to the dark side.

    I’m thinking that person either needs a husband or needs the one they’ve got to put in a little more effort in bed.

  • Kristin

    Love it! You must play major league baseball on steroids in your free time. 🙂

  • Coleen

    i too am in the catagory of “slut who loves to fuck her husband”. we should start a club. SWLTFHH. no non-wives allowed.

  • Wow – that is brutal. Sorry you have to read stuff like that – geesh! Some people!

  • bri

    i second Cathy’s, comment #33, motion

  • a H.I.T.

    You know how girlfriends call each other b*tches? I’m about to impose husband-fucker as the new nickname to all my married friends. I can hear it now, “Yo, what up husband-fucker!!” I think it will go over just swell at Saturday’s dinner party.