This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Diplomacy

Saturday morning I woke up with a clogged milk duct in my right boob (sorry, Dad!) and spent almost the entire day hugging a damp heating pad to try and relieve the pain, hoping the situation wouldn’t turn worse and jump over into a case of mastitis. I once had a single friend ask me first, whoa whoa whoa, that can happen? And then two, can you please lie and tell me it doesn’t hurt? Because she wanted to go on thinking that babies were cute.

Oh, no, it doesn’t hurt. IT’S PARALYZING. And depending on where the duct is and just how clogged it has become, you can lose your eyesight! Not really, but almost! I’ve had worse clogged ducts than the one on Saturday, but that one was bad enough that my entire underarm was on fire and I wasn’t letting Jon look at that side of my body. I’d feel him glancing and I’d shove my hand into his face and go, STOP, DON’T, if you look at that boob it will explode. And then he’d have to explain to his mother that I was in the hospital because he couldn’t stop ogling me. AWKWARD.

Marlo and I worked as a team and got things cleared up by that evening, enough that I was comfortable driving out to my mother’s house to have dinner with them and my brother’s family. Which included his youngest child, eighteen-month-old Adam, a human wrecking ball, a kid who routinely walks around looking for things to destroy. You may be thinking, Heather, does your brother know you’re talking about his son this way? Whereas my brother is going TELL THEM, HEATHER! TELL THEM! Maybe then someone will listen and understand why he’s rocking back and forth in a corner.

You guys, I’ve never seen a kid like this, and I didn’t believe it when my mom mentioned it to me, that Adam was capable of such destructive behavior. But then I witnessed it in my own house once, watched as he silently scouted out the room for the most delicate object within reach, and then he walked over, picked up a bird figurine AND SMASHED IT! Like an angry, towering monster! WHILE LOOKING DIRECTLY AT ME. Not a big deal, I have more than enough bird figurines, I am That Bird Figurine Lady, but DUDE WAS INTENSE! Like that bird figurine and I had wronged him in some way! And I was all, is he okay? And my brother just shook his head and said that the only reason he hasn’t taken up drinking is because he still hopes to make it into heaven and there is a slight possibility that the Lord won’t let Adam in.

And things were going fine Saturday night, I saw him wandering around picking things up and throwing them and then looking around to see if there was an audience. Nothing unusual. Until his mother sat down next to me and started cooing at Marlo. You can probably see where this is going, but I guess we were all too mesmerized by The Dimples to act fast enough, and next thing you know Adam has run over, is acting very nice about the baby, is even attempting to kiss her on the cheek, and then he looks at me, turns his head and looks at his mother, and then he whacks Marlo upside the head. Like, BITCH STOLE MY ATTENTION!

(Please imagine that being said through gritted teeth with a tiny bit of a Southern accent. Because that’s what I’m doing.)

Marlo was fairly calm, a tad startled, but mainly her reaction was to turn her head toward the culprit with a huge grin. Like, excuse me, but I don’t think you’ve seen my dimples! Disciplinary action was taken, but I loved how Marlo handled the whole thing. Like, you seem to be upset! How about we take a break from that and look at how cute I am!

  • Anonymous

    OMG, Marlo is so PERFECT that she didn’t even flinch when your nephew whacked her! I wish someone would whack some sense into you!!! You and your PERFECT SELF AND PERFECT KIDS (so WELL BEHAVED and SO SMART – WHATEVER!) is getting REALLY OLD!!! I bet if your kids weren’t SO PERFECT you’d end up in the looney bin! Maybe you’ll end up there anyway (wishful thinking). SOrry, but you are just so annoying!

  • I don’t have kids yet, but I have a nephew who is 7 months old and he is the calmest, most serene baby alive and nothing at all like anyone on our side of the family with our neurosis and general crazy. Nothing rattles him, except, you know, when I hold him. He sleeps from 8pm to 8am, every night which sounds like something I would like to accomplish one day – 12 hours of blissful sleep. I want that baby, because I know when we have kids it’s going to be something of a fucking nightmare. I just know it because, well, I probably deserve it.

  • At least your boob drama is now over, nothing more painful than a boob… Adam needs to know little cutie is in town now, but I understand the jealousy.

  • i’ve got my own way of making the boys freeze. but i usually have to be drunk, like drunk as i was on friday for my 30th drunk, to do the trick.

  • Amy

    I always leave your site confused as to whether or not I want children.

  • Bailey

    I have a couple of nephews who were like that. It was very typical of the older one to run by his crawling baby sister and give her a little kick. He now has a son who is an exact duplicate of him – don’t you love karma?!

    Hope your boob feels better. I love all the photos in your last post; your family is beautiful!

  • Katrina

    Sympathies on the clogged duct. My baby is nearly eight months old and I STILL randomly get clogged ducts. Winds me up like nothing else.

  • Sparkless

    My sister’s two boys are both like Adam. Can you imagine having two destrution machines in one house?! I think it’s a boy thing.

    Glad to hear Marlo wasn’t harmed in the “incident.”

  • Anonymous

    That kid is not ok.

  • Victoria

    “…tiny bit of a Southern accent” No way that’s you.

  • I read this post a little too quickly and where it said “eighteen-month-old” I thought it said “eighteen-year-old” so my mouth was hitting the floor thinking “What the hell?” the whole time. Must read a bit slower next time as to not overlook the details.

  • I know this will freak out a lot of people…just get your husband to suck that damn milk out! I couldn’t express, the baby was tanked and my boobs were set to explode so I just him to do it. Kinky, but hilarious.

  • Amity

    You and or your brother should read “We Need to Talk About Kevin.” Brings a whole new light to destructive behavior. Not an easy read as a mom, but fascinating . . .

  • Kristi, RN

    You can’t find good luck with a map and a million dollars can you? Good Lord how did you get SHINGLES! and DUCT ISSUES!!!! (notice the four !!!! for good measure) Thanks for not walloping your nephew…I’m sure he’ll thank you for it when he’s in his teens and his nose is straight and all…to your poor sister in law and brother—I’m sure sorry your son’s a heathen…he’ll grow out of it I’m sure…there are way too many men who used to be little boys to prove that they do indeed survive it. Hope your various illnesses get “wrapped up” soon.

    Also…I would LOVE a comments section on the Hate page…because well, stupidity on that level begs to be ridiculed by more than just you. 🙂

  • kim o

    First of all, I LOVE your blog and check it often to get my fill of “kick ass Heather” and your beautiful family!

    Second, I truly feel for your brother as I have a good friend whose daughter is “spirited” and their path has been LONG and HARD but is improving, so there is hope.

    Third, I have to say I am concerned with the HATE page in that while it was interesting to read at first and I am truly amazed by these “haters” and classic Psych 101 “I am SO jealous of your life and your fame I must diss you just to make myself seem worthy” , I think giving them a place front and center in your life invites more pain (i.e. shingles, clogged ducts, etc.) I am a firm believer in “what you think about, you bring about”…just my little ole opinion 🙂

    p.s. I LOVE the way you dress Leta and your support of those who have their own businesses via ETSY.

  • the niffer

    The more I hear about Marlo’s temperament the more I get my hopes up that this #2 (due in November) will be an easier baby than #1 (who got the screamy gene like Leta).

  • Anonymous

    Heather, the very fact that Marlo took this whack so peacefully is proof that you and Jon are good parents. You’ve got her convinced that the world is a good place, no overly self-protective action required for the occasional bump! Congrats, and good job. :o)

  • These things happen. Mastitis is terribly painful. I developed it from a clogged milk gland early after my first child and it was terrible. Glad to see things worked out.

  • Amy

    Maybe we can all learn something from Marlo…when someone is awful to us, we turn the other (dimpled) cheek.

  • Ahhh I can’t wait to be a mommy blogger. I’m writing about fake butts in Vegas for now, but I can’t wait to write about moments like these. Funny- memorable. Thanks for sharing!

  • Jody

    I just have one question:

    How do you have time for all this while you are starring on “Mercy”?

    I caught the end of it the other day and all I could think was, “That actress looks just like Heather Armstrong.”

  • Lily

    Heather,

    I didn’t read you until fairly recently – but I just wanted to tell you again – Monetize the Hate is both amazing and hilarious. It makes me like you all the more. Now I get to read you AND the crazy things people write in response to you. I hope you’re making tons of money on it!

  • Lisa

    Sounds like that kid needs a good spanking…or better yet…when he breaks something, his parents should break something of his!

    Did you watch “Modern Family” last week?!

  • Marlo is an angel! Clearly ya’ll have figured which way Adam blows. Scary kid.

  • Shingles, shut-up breasts and slamming newborns – baby, you are getting it from all sides.

    Thanks for sharing with all of us.

  • jacki

    you’re really annoying to read when high.

  • Wendy

    Hey Heather:

    Sorry to hear about your boob. Glad to hear it cleared up fast. I recently had a painful bout with mastitis – 2.5 years after I last breastfeed. It definitely felt like mastitis from the get-go, but to be safe, I had a mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy. So, take the pain of mastitis and add the make-you-cry pain of putting your boob in a vice grip then jamming a needle in it. And they had to do two rounds of it. Thank god it was nothing, but wowsers, I’d almost rather go through labor again.

  • I can only hope that I have the opportunity to say in a conversation some day, “Like, you seem to be upset! How about we take a break from that and look at how cute I am!”

    LMAO

  • Brenda

    Marlo has that…”turn the other cheek” down already. Good start.

    My sister and I had a rule… I get to dicipline your kids when I see them doing something they shouldn’t and you get to do the same to mine. Ya… couldn’t get my sis-in-law on board….and her boys were the worst. But don’t touch her little angels! But she would smack mine or my sisters when she felt that they were out of line to her boys. The world is not fair!

  • I’m glad we just celebrated birthdays 20 and 22 last week. There’s something magical about infants, but it sure is a lot easier when they are older.

  • Anonymous

    #62 – Yep, TMI. Boobs and nursing are icky and gross and ladies should be embarrassed to even have them. And let’s not even get started on vaginas, or as I call them, lady shame caves. It’s really a dark day when women start discussing their shared experiences and helping each other out.

  • Dude! Do they have toddler wrestling? Or boxing? Because that is a kid who needs an outlet.

  • I read this post out loud to my son, who is 8, and who is a lot like Adam. He (my son, not Adam) laughed like a hyena the entire time. Tell your brother I feel his pain.

  • YIKES! Blocked ducts suck! …While reading, I thought your nephew was going to come over and grab your breast! OUCH! (Not that hitting Marlo was any better…).
    TAKE CARE!

  • MamaLana

    Today’s photo of Marlo is just lovely! Feel better soon, dear.

  • Ha! My firstborn was likeAdam. We called him “Jonas Search And Destroy”. It was unreal, and I am quite familiar with the rocking in the corner and the clawing and rending of ones clothing. And the humiliation- OH THE HUMILIATION.

    After that I birthed two beautiful, sweet Marlos, who charm the world and make everything seem so EASY.

    And I medicated Jonas.

  • Jackie

    Heather she is soo cute!

    Also all the asshole who choose to attack your children (one of whom is dressed very cute and obviously has no learning disabilities) have very sad lives.

    P.S. I’m from small town Oklahoma and was raised to disagree with everything you say, but I absolutely love your site! Thanks for doing what you do!

  • abolknitter

    Holy catshit batman! Dude… can I say that “the boys will be boys” crowd should rethink that plan…
    Good for you for not bitch slapping the beastie back! You are a better woman than I…

  • Boys. They are crazy but oh so loveable. My youngest had a personal vendetta against lamps when he was younger. He couldn’t walk by one w/o pushing it to the ground. Tell your brother they do eventually outgrow it.
    a.

    P.S Glad your feeling better

  • Marlo’s reaction owns.

  • haha #62!! Heather never said she was a lady!

  • jlene18

    I have to give hope to those who are having boys: not ALL boys are like this, and, in fact, most of the ones I’ve known are VERY decent. While boys can be rougher than girls, even my mother was shocked when I told her this story (I’m the oldest of 4, the two boys are the youngest two)…she was worried that maybe the child had Autism or ADD (she works with Special Needs children in an Elementary school). I’ve only known ONE boy to act this way – and it appears that Adam doesn’t have the same problem that this boy I knew had (lack of discipline) – though they boy I knew didn’t have this problem around me (he hit me ONCE, and got a clear lesson on why you don’t hit girls – especially ones who know how to defend themselves). I have to be honest and say I would have smacked him upside the head before he knew what hit him, so you’re a MUCH more restrained woman than I!
    As far as the clot goes, my mom and I extend our sympathies…we’ve both been there, and when you say PARALYZING…I hope your friend takes that word to heart! lol Glad it’s better though!

  • tina

    A weird, miraculous remedy for clogged milk ducts: Stick a nice big fresh cabbage leaf inside your bra for a couple hours, or as long as you can stand smelling cabbage-y. I don’t think anyone knows why it works, but it somehow helps draw things out, like some kind of cabbage-breast milky magnetism. Really! And that leaf, when it first comes out of the fridge and onto your poor inflamed boob — ahh! And they fit so nicely, too. They almost seem made for this purpose. Plus, you get to tell people you have cabbage in your bra.

    Love your blog — here by way of bphd.

  • Julie

    My best friends children are exactly the same as Adam. And now it’s got to the point that I wont have them over because they will climb on my white lounge and break everything. I also wont take mine to her house as her son lays into my daughter.

    She constantly tells me how LUCKY I am to have kids that don’t climb and don’t hit. And to that I say Bullshit (internally) I would never say this directly to her. But, my kids don’t climb because whenever I saw them climbing I stopped it in no uncertain terms. I put safety gates up. I told my son. If I ever catch you climbing into your sisters crib I will smack you so hard on the bottom.

    I gave him a baby doll before my daughter was born and taught him how to treat a baby. And told him he could never pick her up or hurt her or he would get a smack. He has never hit, pushed or bitten his sister. He wouldn’t dream of it. He loves her and always wanted to look after her. I also had babysitting help so I could do things one on one with my son. Little boys need time and attention and love and smacks for naughty behavior. And a look in your eye that says don’t mess with me. I am the boss.

    My daughter hasn’t needed as many smacks. But occasionally she does and then she will get them. Not abuse just a smack on the bottom or leg and a look that says I will not put up with this behavior. It is not LUCK. What I feel like saying to people with these kids is, “I discipline my kids properly and watch them like a hawk and you don’t”.

    And to those people that saying hitting kids teaches them to hit I say rubbish. My son has NEVER hit anybody unlike all my friends kids who choose not to smack their kids.

  • What a little shit!

    Just wait till Marlo can walk and talk and you tell her about that one time when her cousin thumped her in the head.

    That boy better watch his nuts!

  • AprilMay

    Seriously…what is with all the boy haters? Smack Adam who is a baby himself? Ya’ll are NUTS. And as the mom of three boys, I can honestly tell you that most boys are NOT that wild! My oldest son did like to take things apart, but now he is a certified math genius who will make lots of money and hopefully put me in a killer retirement home someday.

    On a side note, Marlo is perhaps the most gorgeous baby I’ve ever seen!.

  • Cherie

    Adam is 18 months old. His age is measured in MONTHS! Lets not send him down the River Styx just yet…

  • Desi

    #131 – “Lady shame caves”! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

  • GO MARLO! Somehow, I totally pictured the ending of this and totally pictured Marlo smiling at him, like DUDE, have you seen ME?

  • HA! This totally made me laugh out loud!
    Ok, I lied – I’m not laughing out loud. My kids are both asleep, and if you think I’m going to wake them up over a Baby Story…you’re nuts. But I’m laughing on the inside, okay?

    Adam sounds…interesting. 😉 (But, seriously?! No picture of Marlo’s dimples here? Not even a little reminder? I’m disappointed. ;-))

    To the mamas who are bashing on Adam’s mother, I’ve got a story. I’m a twin, and we’re the oldest of 5. When we were babies, we were so good, so ANGELIC, that relief societies all over the STAKE asked my mother to come and teach classes on how to raise children. She told them to have scripture, prayers, put up baby gates, put away all the “no” items, etc.

    Two years later, my little brother was born. He wasn’t LIKE us.

    Mom was never asked to teach another class again.

    Turns out, all that time, it was just my uber-perfect sister keeping me in line. Ha! She was good enough for the both of us.