An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Only thing missing is a side of waffle fries

So. Today is a bit of an exciting day around here because Microsoft has given me five Xbox consoles to give away to my readers, just in time for the holidays. And I’ll just go ahead and get the disclosure part of this out of the way: this is a sponsored giveaway. I do not do this sort of thing very often. Actually, only once before (and trust me, it drives my ad network totally nuts. Hi, FM!), but this seemed like something you guys would be really interested in and, hello, FIVE XBOXES. FOR FREE.

I’ll admit that all I knew about an Xbox before about a week ago was that my cousin GEORGE!, the one who lived in our basement for the summer of 2007, had one running at all times in his room. Along with three other gaming systems, two computers, a television, the ceiling fan, and who knows what else because our electric bill the first month he lived here was four times what it normally was. Oddly, he thinks it was that electric bill that has caused the rift that now exists between us. But it’s not. That rift has to do with something entirely unrelated to that electric bill, and because I’m not going to get into that mess here, I’ll just give him a two word hint: TOPLESS INTRUDER.

Fast forward to last week: we wanted to know as much as we could about the Xbox before we gave one away, so Jon went out and bought one, plus a few driving games as those are really the only ones I like to play. And he got this really awesome one that rewards aggressive, dangerous driving, and the more poles you hit and crashes you cause, the faster you hit that ramp and fly 70 feet into the air and land on top of that taco truck, the higher your score. Which to me is what Heaven will look like.

Have I ever told you about how I bought a brand new Honda Civic in 1999, and within the first five months of owning it I had to get the brakes replaced? Not because the brakes were defective, BUT BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I DRIVE. Every day I earn points by stopping closer and closer to the car in front of me, and sometimes I can get it down to millimeters. Just ask Jon and the gray hair in his beard.

As part of this giveaway Microsoft wanted me to share my “Ultimate Staycation” with you guys, and don’t worry, I just punched myself in the face for even writing that word. If they had asked me to use the word “solutioneering” I’m not so sure I could have mustered the strength.

And well, I get to live my ultimate staycation pretty much every day. Meaning, once we put both the kids down for the night, Jon and I curl up in bed with the two dogs, a cocktail, and an episode of either really excellent television or really awful television, the stuff in between is too boring. Like, either an episode of “The Wire” or something about plastic surgery gone horribly wrong. I suppose watching the sunset behind the Eiffel Tower in Paris might be an amazing way to spend an evening, but COME ON. You should see some of these nose jobs.

I think this may be Jon’s idea of an ultimate staycation:

So. Here is how this thing works, and no, I had nothing to do with these rules so don’t scream at me:

1. You must be 18 or over to enter.

2. You must live in the US.

3. You must read these rules.

4. Five commenters will be selected as winners. Please include your idea of an “Ultimate Staycation” in your comment, and y’all, keep it clean even if it does somehow include your balls.

Note: you must be signed in to leave a comment. If you sign up for multiple user accounts and try to enter under different profiles, you will be disqualified.

5. Comments will be open until tomorrow December 2, 2009 at 9PM Eastern.

6. Winners will be chosen randomly using

7. Winners will be announced on Friday.

8. Prize is an “Ultimate Xbox Bundle” which includes 1 – Xbox console, 3 – Family Fun Games, 1 – Gold Subscription to Xbox (1 Year) – Estimated package value $499

Ready, set, go!

PS. Here are the Xbox avatars we created for ourselves complete with my trademark grumpiness:

  • LeashWeCanDo

    My “ultimate staycation” involves pizza, wine, and watching movies, tv on dvd, or catching up on hulu. Topped with cuddles with kitties and dog and supplemented with significant other.

    There is nothing better. Ahhh. To pretend to be gone all weekend and hideout. No work allowed. I’ll have to schedule one soon!

    Also, I LOVE the look on Chuck’s face in this photo. “Seriously? You guys are SOOO immature. Yawn.”

  • tshaw08

    Love this giveaway. Would be perfect for my little brother.

    My ultimate staycation? Ice cream, underwear, bed, food ordered in, movies, bubble baths, margaritas,boyfriend.

    🙂 Thanks!

  • MarionB

    My ultimate staycation would involve lots of cupcakes, a bottle of scotch, good Texas BBQ and the ENTIRE collection of every Jackass movie and and show on DVD.

  • mginley

    My ultimate staycation involves wine, the couch, and movies.

  • alliep

    the ultimate staycation involves a cabin hidden away in a snowy mountaintop complete with hot tub, pinot grigio, mediterranean herb chicken thin crust pizza, a 60 inch LCD HDTV and of course my one and only soulmate husband!!! and how on earth am I gonna win this if I’m the first person to enter? that can’t be true. hahahaa Allie

  • lisaro83

    My ultimate “staycation” (ugh) involves me, my boyfriend, a big ol snowstorm, a fully stocked kitchen, a deck of cards, and a magnum or 5 of pinot noir.

  • DianaB

    My ultimate staycation involves warm weather, our patio out back and a couple of mojitos. And I only have to wait 6 months to be able to actually do that again – sigh.

  • scubacindi

    I have to agree – the best staycation is just being home with my boyfriend with a good movie or catching up on the DVR with dinner already made and some cold beer!

  • RuthWells

    Ultimate staycation: 14 hours of sleep per day. The remaining 10 to be spent gardening and eating while lying in bed.

  • sadu71

    The ultimate staycation: Turn off the alarm clock and wake up whenever. Wander the house in jammies so I’m prepared when the urge to nap hits. Take the dog for long hikes. Cook some excellent meals. Catch up on the DVR’s 100+hrs of programs.

  • ladyamazing

    My ultimate staycation involves the burning of a “Modesty Patch”.

  • neuro_lindsay

    My staycation would involve lots of sewing, reading books, drinking beer, and my husband making me amazing dinners. Winning an xbox may get in the way of all that, but I’m going to risk it.

  • StacyZ33

    My ultimate Staycation is where my husband and I don’t get out of our pajamas for days, we are surrounded in bed by our pillows and fuzziest blankets, drinking wine and watching all of Seasons 1 and 2 of Criminal Minds. With the local Chinese food place on redial. Oh yeah.

  • teetotaled

    Since I have a 5 month old the main criteria for the “ultimate stay-cation” is a good nights sleep. Basically anything involving 8+ hours of sleep, a Vince Vaughn movie and some raisinets….ahh heaven!

  • Writing to Sanity

    My Staycation (haha!):

    Kids with their dad in Denver, and me drinking wine and playing the Xbox 24 hours a day until they come home. Yeah, that or… letting them play the Xbox 24 hours a day so I can finally get some peace and quiet around here!!!

  • NYBeverly

    I think my ultimate staycation would involve my boyfriend, chocolate, wine – and maybe a brand new Xbox for further diversion?

  • PrettyGirlMyers

    My Ultimate Staycation would definitely happen during the winter, preferably during a 4 day snowstorn that didn’t knock out the electricity or cable. I’d make French toast and bacon for breakfast every single morning, and then decide what to make for lunch and dinner (of course my pantry would be fabulously stocked with everything I needed). Then me and the kids would head outside and build snowmen, make snowforts, and have snowball fights (the kind the DON’T end with one or both children crying because they got snow in their face/down their pants.) Then it would be on to hot apple cider and hot cocoa, bad movies, maybe some video games, reading, and just general lazing around. I always have someplace to be or something to do, so my ultimate staycation would be all about interacting with my kiddo’s, because I don’t do nearly as much of that as I’d like!

  • Lauren From Texas

    My ultimate staycation includes:

    -No changing out of sweatpants.
    -Lots and lots of really awful television.
    -Lots and lots of takeout.
    -Lots and lots of napping.
    -Snuggling with my husband (you told me to keep it clean, otherwise I would have said “Having SEC with my husband.”)

    I really need this XBox! It’s for the kids! And by the kids I mean me & my husband.

  • ameliaknapp

    Dear god your avatar looks JUST LIKE YOU.

    Please don’t enter me in the sweepstakes. I don’t play video games. Only because I never had a Nintendo growing up.

  • Meg

    Summit IPA, a leather couch, a ginormous bowl of mashed potatoes, and all 13 cycles of America’s Next Top Model on DVD.

  • Meghan

    This giveaway is great! My husband has been strongly hinting that he would love one of these for Christmas! My ultimate staycation (since I’m a graduate student) would be just being able to be home and cook dinner, clean house and watch TV with my husband without feeling bad about neglecting school work.

  • annabnana26

    My Ultimate Staycation involves riding a ski lift while cuddling my flask. And then somehow attempting to get off the chair safely.

  • Kitalita

    My ultimate staycation involves hard cider, Star Wars, a pizza and my boyfriend. And possibly a few episodes of the Nostalgia Critic on my media center I have yet to set up.

  • brandon.cordell

    My ultimate staycation is drinking coffee by the fire with my macbook pro in my lap and my wife and son at my side!

  • kanklettes

    like Bridget Jones once said “I choose vodka and Chaka Khan”… and maybe my vibrator

  • meg b

    Big Lebowski
    white russians
    local bowling alley

  • cjcoppola

    All I do is staycation. I want to go somewhere. Anywhere. But if I have to stay home I want to bury myself on my couch under a down blanket with a cheesy book and watch my little boy play with his new xBox courtesy of Blurbdoocery.

  • Serrabou

    My ultimate staycation: being with the kids at home or anywhere near by and NOT having to lug my breastpump to work! I would also love a day to clean out my closets and organize my own clothes from three sizes and two seasons down to clothes that fit and will keep me warm in winter (time to put away the maternity sundress I think).

  • Jenknee

    My staycation would include all the members of my Urban Family, a kitchen full of fixings so that we can all crowd in and share cooking duty. A iPod loaded with stupid dancey songs. And obviously a well stocked bar. Which, let’s be honest, would probably end up being our main source of intake on a staycation.

    I think I just figure out my plans for the weekend.

  • Petey

    Much like George – my ultimate staycation can be summed up in 2 words: TOPLESS INTRUDER!

    Happy Holidays!

  • Pipsqueak

    We have a cottage on Lake Ontario. Every weekend during the summer months is my ultimate staycation.

    The week after Christmas is also my Ultimate Staycation as I get to stay home and pretend that I am a stay at home mom.

  • Lou Lou Who

    My “ultimate staycation” involves Tivo, pizza and my bed.

  • jrwill

    Bottle of Cabernet or glass of Sam Adams Winter Brew, some board games, great friends and yummy food! Of course, if I had this xbox, I would definitely be including that…..


  • shaunnam


    Ultimate staycation = time spent in the Colorado mountains with my family. Yay!

  • LisaShoshana

    My ultimate staycation would be sitting on my sofa, Diet Rally on the coffee table (Diet Coke is for fancy people), two cats wrastling on the rug in front of me, and Home Alone with director’s commentary on my tv.

    Oh, and there are candles burning. Obviously.

  • MissMita

    Because I’m a ginormous (gynormous ?) nerd, my ultimate staycation would involve lots of knitting, drooling over knitting patterns I’m too chicken to try, reading, playing video games, and working on my German via Oh and sleeping. Because I don’t get enough of that.

  • mjourdan

    My ultimate staycation would be to chill on the couch with the wife playing Xbox with my buddies online.

  • Mama Boo

    My ultimate staycation involves unplugging the phone and ripping out the doorbell. We all just curl up on the floor to play video games, watch TV, and play board games. We have awesome picnics on the floor of our living room, and I get to take a quiet, hot bubble bath every night. Ahhh….heaven!

  • nerdistheword

    My ultimate staycation would be my 3 kids, our favorite movie or TV show (for this time of year it has to be Christmas Vacation or A Christmas Story), me, snuggled in my bed with a big bowl of popcorn. Complete with cold little toes and pushing and shoving on who gets to sit next to whom. It would be the perfect staycation, even if just for one night where we weren’t running around for chorus concerts, PTA events or school for mom and dad.

  • bitjanitor

    At this point, the ideal staycation would be someone taking care of the kids and catching up on lost sleep caused by an almost 6 month old. That and playing my new xbox!

  • Sarah Brown

    My ultimate staycation (Heather I cannot believe I just typed that) would involve my fiance, a bed, a folder full of take out menus, endless gin and tonics, and all five seasons of The Wire.

  • the grumbles

    Mine would be pajamas, video games, cake, and beer. And not leaving the house for days. Just living room dog-time game and movie extravaganza. With blankets! And did I mention the beer and cake? Mmmmmm, beer.

    I love Heather’s avatar, hilarious!

  • Kasper

    My Ultimate staycation would be hanging around my house in my Flannel Pink Owl PJ Dress, turning off my phone, Eating Jalepeno Poppers with my Husband, watching Netflix movies until my brain melted out of my ears and all while being snuggled on my couch with my husband and two dogs.

    Though If I had an X-Box It would be all the same except instead of Netflix I would be pwning my husband at some shoot’em up game.

  • rekrohn

    My husband and I are going (staying?) on an Ultimate Staycation this summer in Seattle. My parents are keeping my kids, a one year old who will be weaned by then and her 3 year old sister, and then we will eat and sleep on OUR OWN SCHEDULES!! It’s pretty much the most exciting thing of. all time.

  • browneyedboden

    Ultimate Staycation for for me, involves lots of in bed time (sleeping, duh), bubble baths while listening to Diane Birch and Adele lull me into a state of sub-consciousness and relax, massages from the hubby and I might reciprocate, wine guzzling, lighted candles, movies, and stove popped popcorn.

  • jessilee

    A good movie with the family. Of course, if we had an xbox I could pretty much kiss my tv good bye, but the husband and kids would be excited, and that’s all that matters right? RIGHT??

  • squeaker76

    We are all about the staycation… With a new baby on the way I think we will need something to do while we endure baby prison.

  • TiffaneyC

    My perfect staycation would be just to sit with my family, play games, and enjoy eachother with limited responsibilities. No errands, no shopping, and no disagreements…just fun 🙂

  • teresaduncan

    Perfect staycation:

    Multiple new dog toys for my puppies, lots of Legos for my son and a view of a beach for me and my husband. We would sleep in every day and then wake up to coffee and waffles on the deck! And lots of cable and PPV to watch too!

  • llacia

    The ultimate staycation is my husband and me curled up with a warm fire and a nice meal and whatever happens after that. It’s the simple things!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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