An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

That decrepit old hag

This is quickly and steadily becoming A List of My Ailments Blog, and I’m just waiting for the email or comment that is all, UGH! You just had to go and get OLD on us. I liked you so much more when your bones weren’t brittle!

The things I have done to damage your expectations, I know. First, I got married. Then I had a baby. And now! NOW I’M TAKING CALCIUM SUPPLEMENTS! Where is the dooce you used to know and love!

I had blood work done last week while getting a second x-ray on my tailbone, and today the results came back normal. Good news on top of the fact that my tailbone seems to be healing according to the x-ray. When I asked the doctor if it would be okay to travel again with this… this… broken butt? Isn’t that what it is, really? I broke my butt. There’s no getting around this. Not with Leta walking around going, “When is mom’s butt going to get better?”


The doctor said to take my butt pillow with me, and I’d be fine. Also, just curious, she was. What did I do for a living since I travel this much? Now, picture this, okay. She has just inspected me, taken a look at The Smallest Butt In The History Of The Universe, and this conversation is inevitably going to result in, “Oh, my friend told me about you. You’re that woman?” So before I told her, I said, um, the size of my butt falls under doctor/patient privilege, right? The Hippocratic Oath? And she was all, I will take knowledge of your tiny butt TO THE GRAVE.

Thank God no one will know about it now.

Anyway, I had to make an emergency appointment with my dentist this morning because one of the teeth on the right side of my mouth is making it so that I cannot chew food: the shooting, lightening-patterned pain! Straight up through my jaw, up into my eye, and bang into my forehead. And when my dentist sat down and asked what was going on, I was all, I’M FALLING APART! You think I’m kidding, but the odds are that you’ll lean over to take a look inside my mouth and suddenly my head will topple off right into your lap!

An x-ray and twenty minutes of prodding and hammering away proved that it has to be a sinus infection. It’s just that a certain nerve in a certain tooth sits inside my sinus cavity. Are you serious? It has nothing to do with my bones? I was prepared for surgery, and you’re giving me a prescription for an antibiotic? How can I possibly write about this in all caps, SIR?!

I can’t go back to the people with a sinus infection! They want DISEASE! They want LIFE-EXPECTANCY! Can I at least tell them you prescribed a cane? Because, let’s be honest. I have an image to uphold.

  • Merrilymarylee

    Girl, get that sinus infection treated or it could infect your tooth.

    ROOT CANAL definitely qualifies as surgery. Trust me.

  • button

    I swear as soon as I popped out the baby, I knew my body would never be the same. Despite all the yoga, my hips are shot. I never realized before that getting old didn’t have to be due to age. It’s a good thing babies are so cute. Hang in there!

  • Sugar Mama

    My check out list at Walgreens the other day:

    – hemorrhoid cream
    – stool softeners
    – Calcium (for my brittle bones)
    – ibuprofen for the pain from my kidney stone caused by the calcium taken for brittle bones
    – tampons

    The tampons threw you off didn’t they? Because you were assuming this was the list of a 70 year old woman that was post menopausal. Nope, I’m 30 and my husband calls me his “old girl” because my body is constantly having issues.

    It’s frustrating. I hear ya.

  • Monday

    You poor thing.
    On top of being accident prone, you’re now sickly.

    You need to add a Neti pot to the helmet and steel toe boots.

  • jenniferrose

    I had the same thing happen with a sinus infection! I got an emergency appt with my dentist too. Right after getting off a plane. The pressure was insane. And I was traveling with a 16 month old! I was convinced I needed a root canal or some other tooth issue I had never had to deal with before.

  • Mszpayne

    I just recently suffered the same fate. I put it off for a week before finally giving in. I was up to 4 motrin every 3 hours and thought… kill me, just end it now. I made the appointment and spent two hours waiting for my douche bag of a dentist to grace me with an appearance. He comes in and checks me out and lets me know that I have a sinus infection. I had to deal with him breathing heavily over me for 20 minutes to find out I could have just gone to see my wonderful family doctor whom we adore. Figures! You have my sympathy!

  • DomesticatedGal

    Dude, it happens all the time- as soon as the warranty expires things just start falling off.

  • Shelly

    You could always resort to the DIY butt augmentation using silicone caulk that you can buy at any home store.

    Apparently six people have recently been hospitalized for botched jobs.

    I think you are pretty safe with your tailbone and sinus issues. Pretty normal comparatively speaking!!

  • Larkspur

    Teya #38: I was about to say the same thing about the latest House episode. The key to the whole diagnosis of the blogger-patient was the one topic she never blogged about because it was so very private. Well, ha, Dr. House. You have never treated d00ce, have you?

    Also, nobody should ever ever try to tough out a sinus infection, because sinuses are right next to your BRAIN, and your BRAIN is a terrible thing to waste.

  • TriangleGirlAng

    This is how I *know* my cold has turned into a sinus infection — or however that happens. When my top back teeth on my left side are aching so bad that I’d like to rip them out, and I’m chewing on things like a teething one-year-old, that’s when I head to the doctor and get a prescription for an antibiotic.

    (Advil Cold & Sinus — which is just ibuprofen with the REAL sudafed — ya know, the ones you have to prove you’re not a meth-head for? — works like a charm. For about 20 minutes anyway.)

    I think it’s really funny that my Captcha words are “Maureen adjacent.” “She’s not *above* Maureen – she’s more Maureen-adjacent.”

  • heymamas

    I had a sinus infection in the last week of my last pregnancy and I thought I was going to DIE!

    Sadie at heyMamas

  • HalalaMama

    I can absolutely feel your pain. When that happened to me, I thought someone had literally bashed me in the face with a baseball bat. I practically crawled to my sister’s dental office where she works and begged for an xray. No tooth decay. No rotten roots. Just my sinus cavity pressing down on all the roots of my molars on that side. I think I muttered, “kill me now” as I left the office.

    PS…can I trade you butts? I would LOOOOVE a small one of my own to replace this thing I carry around! lol

  • TurdFerguson

    The first time I had this happen I was in bed for 3 days on vicadin, nearly ready to bang my head on the wall.I finally called the dentist pleading for help. He said I should also have been taking ibuprofen for the inflammation, once I took it I felt much better. He’s no longer my dentist.


    Yeah, but a sinus infection has the ability to spread to THE BRAIN. You can twist that into a post in your Sleep!

  • kate challis

    I had really bad sinusitis when my son was 2 months old. I swear to God that it the pain was far WORSE than child birth!!!!! And, no, I didn’t take any pain relief for the latter.

  • DesignGirl

    dude! i had the same thing happen to me a couple months ago.

    one of my molars on the right side started to ache — it’s the only tooth i have that has a crown. so figured that crown needed to be replaced. dealt with the pain for about 4 days until all i could think about was doing what tom hanks did to his molar in the movie castaway. but living in florida, i have no need for ice skates, and roller skates won’t do the job as well, i’m afraid.

    anyway … i went to the emergency dentist clinic, because i have no dental insurance and no regular dentist. they poked at the tooth for about 10 minutes, it didn’t hurt when they did that, so they took xrays and came back to show me that the root of that tooth went straight up into my sinus cavity, and that i would need a root canal because there were signs of an infection in that cavity. HA! a root canal. do you know what that costs? and worse, sans insurance? i told him to yank that motherf@#$cker out — it’d be cheaper. Then he proceeds to tell me that he can’t do it, because of it being in the sinus cavity, i’d have to go to an oral surgeon to have it extracted. because of course, that would cost me, the non-insured, even more. so he gives me a referral, and a script for amoxicillin and vicodin (yeah!).

    after about the third day, pain gone! i made sure to take all the antibiotics, but saved some of the vicodin for other fun occasions of need, like oh, i don’t know — CRAMPS?!

    but anyway, long story not so long … i have not had any more pain in that tooth! it’s still there, and that $800 or so i’ve saved myself from the oral surgery, i think i will use to hire a hitman for that butt-munch of a dentist who almost cost me a tooth!

    so thanks, heather, because now i know, next time it happens, i will treat it as a sinus infection first, and only pull out the ice skate as a last resort.

  • writingmysuburbanlife

    FYI about the Neti Pot suggestion. There are a few unlucky people (or lucky, depending on how you feel about sticking a Neti Pot spout up your nose then snotting out salt water) who can’t use one because of a weird ear canal deviation. I found out the hard way when I attempted to purge my sinuses during a nasty infection and wound up with salt water in my inner ear which equaled sinus infection plus ear infection. Not fun! Mark my words Dooce, put down the Neti Pot! With your recent health karma, you are probably one of these people!

  • suzanne

    A guy at work had a skiing vacation fall, his butt kept hurting and he couldn’t sit down and since he’s a surgery resident, of course he waited about a month before he got an xray. Turns out his butt bone is disconnected from the rest of his spine. How in the world can you walk around like that? This dude doesn’t seem that tough. LOL He needs to have surgery but wants to wait a few months. WTF? If my butt was not connected to my spine, I’d be doing something about it. What if you inadvertently do a twist like Chuck in the Gumby photo? That ultra-cool photo just came to mind but then it made my stomach hurt. Oooh.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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