An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

DC, part one

I arrived last Monday evening into DC at about midnight, and when I opened the door to my room at the W Hotel I should have headed straight to bed. Instead, I spent an hour in the tub, a giant marble-topped wonder, and gnawed every one of my fingernails down to my knuckles. I could not get that background check off my mind. Not because I’ve ever committed a crime, but who knows what they consider suspect now? Her dad owns a gun! Her husband is descended from polygamists! HER DAUGHTER EATS NOTHING BUT CHICKEN NUGGETS.

There are government campaigns against that type of diet now. When I end up in prison for it I’m going to be all AWESOME. It’s your responsibility to feed that kid now. And when she goes four days without eating they’ll free me because FINE. THEY GET IT NOW.

That tub was just one of the many exquisite details of a hotel room that now ranks at the top of my list of best rooms away from home. I wrote about the decor for the blog at HGTV, and because this was a last minute trip I didn’t bring our good camera. All I had was my iPhone. And when I attempted regular iPhone pics they looked like crappy iPhone pics. So I used the Hipstamatic app thinking I’d go for a more artistic look. And now there exists one of the best comments ever left on something I’ve written:

Is this the ‘horror movie’ filter in Photoshop? This is ridiculous.

I don’t know why, but that comment smacked my funny bone and I haven’t stopped laughing since. God, I love the Internet.

Tuesday morning I spent several hours getting some work done, and then I spent the afternoon walking around with my iPhone snapping photos. I’ve been to DC a few times, and I always end up at the National Mall. I know, that’s not very adventurous of me, TRY SOMETHING NEW, ARMSTRONG. But that’s like saying I should eat the broccoli beef platter when my favorite dish is the coconut curry. I came here for the coconut curry, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. This way I will not leave disappointed. And look! I won’t spend the entire evening berating you!

And lo, the coconut curry was very good:

Ok. Wednesday. The big day. One thing to keep in mind: The W Hotel is about a block away from the White House, but I was going to have to walk up a block, then across the entire length of the Treasury building and the White House all the way over to the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, and then back down the block to the entrance. That probably makes no sense to you so here’s a diagram:

I guess I could have walked the other way, now that I look at that map. But that would have been reasonable. Whose website is this?

This kind of trek calls for sensible shoes, right? But how many times in my life am I going to be in the presence of The President of The United States? NOT VERY MANY IF EVER. In fact, the odds of ever being in his presence again are telling the notion of sensible shoes to go right ahead and suck it.

What? The tights are patriotic!

Those are five-inch platform heels by Michael Kors. Hooker shoes? Absolutely. Appropriate? Of course not. But I get the feeling that the people who invited me know EXACTLY whom they invited and are going to be disappointed if I don’t show up in a clown suit with a giant python draped around my neck.

I have worn these shoes once before, but I never left the building and took them off after only an hour. So just picture me walking along Pennsylvania Ave, my head locked forward, my eyes shooting concentrated lasers on objects fifty feet ahead, this refrain being repeated over and over in my head: DON’T DIE. DON’T DIE. DON’T DIE.

More than once a tourist would walk a little too close to me, and after wobbling and regaining my balance, I bit my lip so that I wouldn’t shout DO YOU NOT SEE THESE STUPID SHOES? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!

You guys, I made it all the way! I did it! I WALKED IN THOSE SHOES! I’m almost as proud of enduring that kind of pain as I am of giving birth without an epidural. In both instances I thought the agony would never end and that I might punch someone in the groin.

So I get there and I’m standing in line with all the other attendees, and you’re not going to believe this, but I was the only one wearing purple tights. I KNOW.

And I meet former Senators and people who work for Rudy Giuliani and someone from the Department of Labor, and then someone goes, “And you work for?”

Oh, I work for! I’m a worker! For the working! WORK to the FOR! FOOOOOOOOR!

Even though I’d been anticipating the question, I hadn’t come up with a good explanation. Because when I say, “I own a small business,” they ask, “What kind?” And I say, “The small kind!” It’s the truth!

Because when it gets to the part where I mention BLOGGER, people inevitably take a step backward as if I am covered in warts. I see it in their eyes! WHAT IS SHE GOING TO SAY ABOUT ME?! Because I think some people still associate BLOGGER with ROGUE! With WILD WEST! With THIS PERSON SPENDS HER ENTIRE DAY WITHOUT PANTS ON.

Oh, wait.

  • JustLinda

    I’m green with envy!

    No wait… that’s just the photo filter making it seem that way.

    I’m fine. Carry on.

  • hockeybrad

    I’ve always wondered why you don’t answer that question with, “I’m a writer.” You’ve written and published a NYT best seller, ma’am. You’re a writer. You just don’t stick to one medium. And who does these days?

  • mamatabea

    I am sorry but horror movie filter is kind of what I was thinking…only the pictures, though =) Kudos on all the other stuff: going to DC, seeing the president and all and yes, walking in heels to the white house. Another awesome Heather move. I mean it!

  • stamatina

    You rock too hard to have to chitchat with people who work for Giuliani. Barf.

  • frostyartist

    I love this post and the one before…I live in a small town and deal with a number of ‘Small Minded’ people with too much time on their hands, who don’t work and only listen to part of the facts and make accusations and are just… well they just suck!…Yay for telling them to “SUCK IT”! And look at you girl! YOU MADE IT TO THE WHITE HOUSE! YOU ROCK! You are an inspiration to all “small business” owners out there!

  • Big Gay Sam

    You look HOT with a W. I’d go straight for ya. 😉

    Congratulations. You deserve all of this and more. I just wish somehow I was a poor relation so I could sponge off ya.

    My grandmother is from Signal Mountain, Tennessee (she’s hill folk). Does that count?

  • BlogalaCart

    Looks like those low top Chucks need some custom artwork, eh?

    I love our Nation’s Capital – such a damn patriotic city.

  • RobinM

    Bless you. I so love when you tell the twits off.
    I know you are un-American in that you love what you do and ~gasp~ people pay you for it…but BRAVO!!!!

    I have no where near the notoriety or haters that you have but, as woman who works in an art industry I hear all the time “You get paid to color” I smile my most saccharine smile and say “Why, yes. Yes, I do and I make way more than you do. “

  • Spookify

    This is getting sad, guys.

    I know ya’ll admire Dooce, but really. First thing’s first, that outfit sucked. The writing’s gone all to hell. I end up reading your archives to remind myself why I keep coming back: you used to be so good! And I know I’m not the first to say it, but it’s disappointing that you post more photos of Marlo than Leta. Granted, Leta had five years of photos taken, but even then, you posted photos of Chuck nearly as much.

    I still read this, obviously, but your self-indignation isn’t well-founded, and the fact that your hordes of worshippers attack people who don’t even dislike you (they just happened to question the reason you were included in the summit – totally justifiable!) is getting over-the-top.

    I am really sorry to have to dissent in the wake of the bashing that’ll no-doubt commence, but unlike some, I’m a big girl, and I can take it without forcing people to make Dooce accounts just to say something! Do you make us log in so your followers can find us and bash us worse? That’s the only reason I can think of. In that case, have fun, ladies and gents. I’m all for it.

  • SpiralOut

    Just found this blog. Love it and your shoes!

  • jocelina

    Goddamn those shoes are ADORABLE.

  • Big Gay Sam

    Wow…jealousy is such an ugly and hateful emotion.

    I hope you find the happiness you are lacking in life spookify. 🙂

  • Curdie

    You and Joel McHale are the funniest people on the planet.

    For every one hater there are 100,000 people who read each post and laugh until they cry…but they don’t comment because they feel that it might get old to say “laughed until I cried” every single day.

  • mrs.notouching

    I hate when you write thing in parts! This sends me into the crazy refresh-page mode. Is part two here yet? Now? How about now? Then… OMG… there is going to be part THREE?! You are killing me, woman! Stop waisting your time on that header and get back to writing part two, which better be the last one, because do you really need another reader who went CRAZY?

  • Caroline No

    First time at your site! It’s fantastic that you made it to the White House. What an achievement.

    But more importantly:

    Great shoes.

  • solaana

    Oh, I feel you on the shoes, believe me. And I love that hipstamatic app, it’s helped me take the best pictures ever.

    Cannot wait for the rest of the story!!

  • dani61z

    Great effect on pictures.. nice!!

    http://WWW.PHOTOHIDE.COM – hide the face on your personal photos, free!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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