An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Will certainly be added to Sarah’s list

After I put up Sarah’s guest post on Monday, member Brea commented that the whole spontaneous, earnest singing thing bugs her as well, and then went on to say, “I also despise whistlers.” That was one of those things that hit me right in the funny bone, and I whispered it under my breath all day long and laughed audibly every time. And upon reflection, that is probably the creepiest behavior ever. Like I’m responding to the voices in my head out loud. And snickering about it like a thirteen-year-old boy who just masturbated to a poster of Hannah Montana.

Sorry, world!

It was like that one time Jon and I were headed home from dinner, driving below the speed limit because we were trying to soak up every last minute of being away from the kids. When this crazy chick walks out into the middle of traffic out of nowhere, and five cars have to brake, and there’s screeching and blood and mangled hair goes flying, and she stops right in front of our halted car. Right there in the middle of the road! And she makes the angriest face at Jon as if Jon had been put on this earth specifically to kill her. Sorry, crazy chick. He was put on this earth specifically to put money in Steve Job’s bank account. Not nearly as noble.

And in that split second if you had looked around at all the cars that had screeched to a halt you would have seen the shock. So Jon rolled down the window, stuck his head as far out as physically possible and yelled, “Well then get out of the road, yah dumb bitch!”

And he didn’t know this until I had stopped laughing an hour later and told him, but he yelled that whole thing in a Southern accent.

Not his finest moment, no. But whenever he does something really absentmindedly, AS HE IS WONT TO DO, I’m quick to refer to him in those exact terms.

My point after that giant tangent was to say, you guys, Tyrant is a whistler. An unabashed whistler.

Let that soak in for just a second, because it gets worse. I know you didn’t think it could, but it does! Because he doesn’t whistle songs. NO! HE JUST WHISTLES.


So it’s not like you could hum right along with him to the tune. Because you have no idea what note is coming next. NEITHER DOES HE.

I remember the first time I asked him, I was like, dude, I can’t figure out what you’re whistling. And could you please stop. And he goes, what? A song? Who whistles songs?

I mean, right? It’s like, who eats food? Who gives birth to children? Who prays to God?

So I decided that if he can get creative with the printer, then so can I! So I made a little friendly sign/reminder and taped it to the front door:

For Tyrant

  • lisdom

    Oh dear God I hate whistling. I hate it so much that I have told all my co-workers including all my bosses that they absolutely cannot whistle around me. AT ALL. I hate hate hate hate hate whistling. I don’t care if it’s to a tune or not, I hate it in all forms. At work, if I hear a customer whistling who won’t stop, I have to leave the area until they’re gone. It’s that bad.

  • Bree

    No way. When you randomly bust out laughing, it makes the rest of us think you are laughing at an inside joke we wish we were a part of.

  • tonya

    So, my husband whistles, get this, when he’s pissed off. I’ll say or do something that makes him mad, and immediatey he’ll start this fast-paced, frantic little whistle. Which in turn pisses me off because it’s so annoying. The funniest thing is that he doesn’t whistle if he’s happy.

  • pupowafo

    Whistling will give you lines around your lips like a cat’s bum – I avoid it at all costs. I also avoid drinking straws and excessive puckering when kissing!!

  • Brea

    I have arrived.

    Seriously. I’m such a Doocebag.

  • Starr

    It is actually kind of entertaining to wait for my husband by a public restroom. He walks in whistling a tune, the next guy out is whistling the same. Try it some time.

  • suzanne

    I just LOL’d at my desk at Jon’s ‘outburst’. Maybe you should leave him at home next time you go to NYC. He’s catching some of it! I live in Georgia and I have no explanation for the Southern accent thing other than the devil got all up in him.

  • JillyMack06

    My mother-in-law has a whole host of things that get under my skin…among them whistling AND impromtu singing…she’s tone def and never knows the right lyrics when she sings…and the whisting always comes at the precise moment I think she couldn’t possibly get on my nerves more. UGH.

  • Nim

    I am a whistler. But really, it’s a good thing! I’m a huge opera fan and you REALLY don’t want me to sing that. (I have been told that I’m a very good whistler, if that’s any consolation)

  • Jawnbc

    One of my best, dearest friends is a hummer. When he’s eating something he enjoys he has a standard 2 note hum (YUM yum). Whenever there’s any music playing anywhere he starts humming. We have taken to elbowing him when he starts doing it at the symphony.

    But really it’s kinda charming. He’s a serious, internationally respected scientist–academic high flyer–and he hums. All the time. As annoying as it can be at times, I love it.

  • Lene

    My grandmother didn’t so much a whistle as hum and never anything identifiable – watch the movie Vera Drake and you’ll know exactly what I mean. She hummed the exact way that Imelda Staunton does in that movie. Anyway, my point (and I do have one) is this. I’m from Denmark, although now living in Canada, and in the Danish Lutheran church hymnal, hymns are listed with the name of the lyricist and composer. A lot of these hymns have the name of the lyricist and in the place for composer, it will say “own melody”. Which mean that the lyricist composed the song as well, however, when she was growing up, my grandmother didn’t know this. So she made up her own tune. Drove her choir teacher mad – I have a vague recollection that she may have been kicked out because of it. Completely undaunted, she spent the rest of her long life making it up as she went along.

  • Frizz

    Nothing can be worse than sitting next to a gum cracker. I mean a gum cracking, coffee slurping, loud phone talker. Some days I just feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. I don’t want to look like a meanie and complain so I plug into head phones and crank them. One day I’ll be deaf then I won’t have to worry.

  • William

    the only thing worse than whistler is an improv whistler.

  • ameliaknapp

    Ah, an “aimless whistler.” As one myself, I often get threats from my loved ones, usually involving the separation of my head from my neck.

    Personally, I hate it when the group exercise instructor at the gym sings along with the tape. I want to yell, this is a workout class, not karaoke!

  • tiffanylee0106

    Oh really? Your issue is whistling? Try full on baby talk at jet engine volumes. That is the norm in my office. I also despise baby talkers.

  • gribblette

    My husband hates whistlers too. I can’t listen to Andrew Bird when he’s around, and I LOVE Andrew Bird.

  • MuffinCake
  • brooke

    i know something way worse than whistling a non song. my husband whistles CHRISTMAS CAROLS all…year…long!!!

  • mommymae

    i learned to whistle when i was 21 & am pretty damned good at it. i whistle arias as well as made-up little ditties. my sister is the only person who has told me it is annoying as hell. it’s something i do absent-mindedly, so i’m always caught off guard when she calls me out. still, it’s kind of a fun trick.

  • KimberlyDi

    This has nothing to do with this post. But it was to do with OMG! Chickens! Jon’s going to kill me but please check out this website. I have nothing to do with the website except think of you when I came across it. She’s raising chickens. 🙂

    Please check out Hen House Update.

  • Phatchik

    I hate, nay despise, nay loathe whistlers.

    I always [and i mean ANY time I hear ANYONE whistling and I don’t care who you are] say, “whistling is like masterbation. You’re the only one enjoying it and you shouldn’t do it in public.” It’s hard to whistle when you’re a.) laughing or b.) disguted.

  • kbrough

    Wondered if you had seen this:

    Congratulations, #94!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more