An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

From Rambo to Rocky

It started when, one night after an exhausting day of having other people satisfy her every need, Marlo was told no, she could not play with my phone. And since she’s such a reasonable human being, she fell to the ground and began hitting the floor with her face. I was just about to tell her that she might want to be careful, our faces were not intended for these kinds of activities, but I didn’t have to. She busted her bottom lip open, and just like that she stopped!

The following afternoon I was sitting at my desk when I heard a huge THAWUMP! followed immediately by deafening cries. I knew McKenzie was watching Marlo and could handle whatever had caused that sequence of noises, so I waited a few minutes before running downstairs to check on things. Marlo had stopped crying, was standing behind the coffee table, and before I could even ask, “What happened?” she had fallen again, her legs flipped like a fish into the air. She wasn’t even walking anywhere.

I’m not going to lie and tell you that I held it together, because that shit was hilarious.

Yes, there was comforting, and I even tenderly whispered in her ear that everything was going to be okay, but damn, she’s going to be good at physical comedy one day. The scene just kept repeating itself in my brain, except this time it was in slow motion and was accompanied by the sound of a limp horn:


Two hours later while attempting to jump, she tripped over the imaginary air under her feet and then stumbled halfway across the room where she landed head-first into the coffee table, at just the right angle. Because you know the excruciating silence that happens when a kid is hurt, the one between the gasp for air and the first roaring wail? That’s how long it took for her right eye to turn black.

So, let’s take a tally here… busted lip, black eye, inability to stand for an extended length of time without falling over. That should be enough right? Except the following morning I leaned down to pick her up when she suddenly jerked her body in such a way that my thumb caught the side of her face and scraped a three-inch gash out of her cheek.

Jon was like, dude! What are you doing? And I was all, dude? It’s obvious that the Universe is attacking Marlo through her face, and now it’s using me as a weapon! This shit needs a priesthood blessing!

So to answer your question… the reason I haven’t posted a recent picture of Marlo in almost two weeks? We’d like to retain custody.

  • MacGrrl

    My goodness, all of these stories of injuries make me wince. I am a physical therapist who works with little kids and while it is totally normal for toddlers to fall and get injured a lot, I’d like to repeat the concern that maybe there was something more than normal toddler clumsiness going on here. Concussion? Ear infection?

  • noL

    ( 1st let me insert my unsolicited advice: has she been checked for a Non-symptomatic ear infection? I was a chronic asymptomatic ear infection kiddo at her age and fell A LOT, but my inner ear is fine as an adult and I still am the most uncoordinated person I know.)- feel free to disregard the above…

    Pratfalls are funny whatever the age….

  • Mizrakins

    My daughter is just a few weeks older than Marlo, and every time she starts doing something strange (oh, like banging her head against the wall, or throwing herself to the ground repeatedly…..) I check your blog and find out that Marlo’s doing the same thing. Which brings me peace. At least someone else’s kid is doing this stuff. Sure, they may have to eat lunch under the stairs in high school, but at least they won’t be alone.

  • nyrican67

    Hmmm…Marlo looks like she is headed for this:

  • KristinH

    Also….having a kid who fell lots, tripped, bumped into everything….and needed glasses! It could be her eyesite. You have probably already looked into that, but sometimes something like that is the hardest to “see”, excuse the bad pun. (from Kristin from the old Crib Ceiling). Hope all is great.

  • MaryAnne

    Christmas 1971 (I was not quite three) my dad was taking me for a snowmobile ride and because he was being extra careful, our slow speed caused the runner tips to catch in a rut and boom, my face meets dashboard, resulting in not one but TWO black eyes that were swollen nearly closed. And for weeks afterward, when total strangers would exclaim “What happened?” I would apparently say, quite cheerfully, “My daddy did it!” I think my mom stopped taking me out in public for quite some time, in case CPS was lurking at the grocery store.

  • cynful

    OMG!! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time!

    I’m sorry Marlo 🙂

  • absenteedaddy

    Mom blogs such as Dooce are vapid, shallow, wastes of broadband that only similarly shallow, middle class and upper class white people read in order to validate their hollow existences. This is an example of a real Mom blog that better brings into focus– in a matter of just a few posts– some of the most pressing problems of American society than all of Heather’s posts combined:

    Most of you people are pathetic, I’m afraid to say.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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