An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Not a boring resolutions post, is it?

I’m not normally a resolution maker, but I think as I age I can see the wisdom in such an exercise. Know what else I’ve learned with age? Life is too short to a) wait until you’re alone to pull your underwear out of your butt, b) obey the sign that says, NO RIGHT TURN ON RED and c) listen to anyone who suggests that watching two hours of botfly infestation videos on YouTube is a waste of time.

Also, if someone sends me a link to a really good video of earwax removal, I’m like THERE GOES THE REST OF MY DAY.

So I’ve been thinking about what I want for me and my family in the upcoming year, and here’s what I’ve come up with. Note: I’m trying to be realistic, so I avoided anything involving Zac Efron, but hey! Did you guys hear? He and Vanessa broke up! That’s just awful and tragic, but such good news for those of you who aren’t married and have the balls to stalk him!

First, I want to cook more. Oh god, Jon’s mom is going to read that and start calling every day to make sure I haven’t burned down the house. Not going to happen! You know why? Because Tyrant heard I was going to help my mom cook the turkey for Thanksgiving and he immediately bought a fire extinguisher.

Next, I’d like to read more books. I could tell you the specific number of books I have in mind for the year, but then you would know how little I’m reading now, and that may be the one thing in my life I’m too embarrassed to share. It’s just… all those episodes of “America’s Next Top Model” aren’t going to watch themselves, and next thing you know the free time that I would have used to read a book is gone!

And finally (yes, there are only three things on this list, otherwise I’d be too overwhelmed, and next thing you know it’s a Tyra smorgasbord all over again), and this one is going to sound weird, but I want to mix up my wardrobe a little bit. Take more risks. Not like bikini-top-basketball-shorts-Jesus-sandals kind of risk, I’d just like to wear a wider variety of what I already own and not just the same comfortable t-shirt over and over again. Or have my friend Cami text me at eight o’clock at night asking, “Are you still in your workout clothes from this morning?” and have the answer be, “Yes, how did you know?”

Spill it. What are you aiming for this year? (if the answer is “moose” or “elk” I don’t want to know)

  • Rollo Tomasi

    My resolution is simple – spend more time with the people I love!

  • CJDaily

    I need to work out more. Boring and cliche, I know, but I have a wedding dress to buy, and I’d rather not spend the rest of my life gazing at my wedding photos and saying, “Look honey, my arms are the size of your thighs.” I’ve been suggesting honeymoons in cold places simply so I don’t have to get beach-ready. If that’s not a clue that I need to shape up, nothing is.

  • anya

    I’ve been down with the flu for the past 4 days, caught it off my 2 year old who’s had it since Boxing Day (that’s Dec.26 for all you non-Canadians); and even though we’re Jewish and don’t technically celebrate Christmas, it still sucked to be surrounded by sick and then join their ranks myself for the last week and a bit. So, having said all that, my New Year’s resolution is to stop bitching about all the minor issues I may perceive as being major and count my blessings. I know, blah, right?
    The thing is, I’m 32 weeks pregnant with my SECOND BOY and am hoping for NO post-partum depression this time around. And for patience. And to realize that things usually get easier with time.
    So yeah, focusing on the good. Namely, is everybody healthy? If so, I’m OK.

    Happy New Year everybody!

  • Squeaker

    To let more things go.. Basically, stop getting so worked up.

    This will be the great challenge of 2011.

  • EllieS

    I resolve to eat less cheese than I did last year.

  • i.delia

    Mine is two-fold.
    1)Accept the fact that, after 15 years of having him,my dog died last March and he won’t be coming back to lick the floors clean. Therefore, I must
    2)Sweep and mop more

  • luv and kiwi

    I’m going to attempt to not be lame this year…

  • juliejackson

    My resolution is to be in the first 10 commenters on one of your posts. Oh, look – done! Now I can go back to bed. Mmmm. Sleepy.

  • simpliSAHM

    I guess those Mormons have an advantage; no pulling underwear out of the butt.

  • Volcanogrrl

    I’m going to lose weight. I’m sick of being the overweight chick always pulling her underwear out of her butt.

  • julesmb

    I haven’t made any resolutions…not wise enough to see the point yet. I did google bot fly infestations and was completely compelled and grossed out at the same time.

  • BellyGirl

    I don’t want to sound all “me, me, me”, but I’d really like to find a little bit of love this year. This past year sucked big, hairy goat balls.

  • Moomser

    I resolve to get on a schedule so I can poop more regularly. (What, the rest of us can’t randomly talk about poop??)
    Also this stuff:

  • DaniPants

    Hey, one of mine is to read more books too! I’m feeling a Dooce book club… Or at least some “what I’m reading” section and we can discuss. You could be the next Oprah.

  • beyond_para

    1. Not strangle the kid for making bad financial decisions like tacos, video games & beer before rent.

    2. Spend much time on budget & finance 101 with the kid so he will learn that having a room to eat tacos in is more important than beer or video games.

    3. Spend more time in my livingroom in my underwear.

  • kcbelles

    Wow – so sorry, i.delia – that’s so sad. I shudder to think when our little old man (that’s him to the left) leaves us.

    Only one resolution – get back on track with the weight loss. Had WLS almost three years ago; lost 155 lbs, but over the past year, put about 40 back on. I read that’s normal with WLS patients and I had my surgeon check the ole’ pouch and it’s not horrifically stretched out, so this is doable. I just have to remeber how much I liked feeling so much lighter.

    Happy New Year to you and your family, Heather. Love your banner this month – it’s a mouthful!

  • Bree

    I so badly need to work on my patience. Also the normal eating right, working out more, and keeping the house regularly clean. (booooring!)

  • Brookelyn Bridge


    We’ve got too much junk!

  • KatherinetheGreat

    I’m going to work toward my dreams of becoming a roller girl. (This is nicely open–so I can succeed pretty easily. MWAHAHA.)

    I am going to make an effort to ruin less things less often. This is going to be hard, because it’s always a mistake.

  • JenMarie

    I have multiple…hoping they all come through. Read more books, tote my camera around and take more pictures, think more positively (and being happy with my life and less envious of others who are in the stage of life I wanted to be in), and listen to more jazz (less pop). I also am hoping to do more sewing this year.

    Think I’ve got a full plate there but I figure the more the better!

  • seamshappy

    My resolution is to not make a resolution. I always fail and then feel like a goof. Life is too short. Oh, and the mother-in-law thing, at least yours cares if you burn down the house!

  • Mandy

    Meditate everyday. Basically become more zen. I got incredibly stressed last year over a variety of things (mostly mother in law related) but I also think turning 40 had something to do with it. Anyway it took a toll on my body which made me even more anxious/depressed so now I’m on medication for the first time in my life! Now I want to breath easy in 2011, sort myself out and concentrate on what I really want to get out of life.

  • strawick

    mine’s not a resolution but more a statement of fact:

    i will make burpees my bitch.

    that’s all.

  • kristanhoffman

    Hmm, a few reading recommendations for you (based on my fave books from 2010, but only ones I think you might actually like, based on what I know about you from your blog):

    – ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS by Stephanie Perkins
    – THE HUNGER GAMES series by Suzanne Collins
    – WATER FOR ELEPHANTS by Sara Gruen

    My new year’s resolution is simple: bring new pages to my critique group every week. (I’m an aspiring writer.)

    My everyday resolutions are relatively simple, too: be happy, grateful, and kind. 🙂

  • mbioJane9

    I’d like to phone my grandmother more often this year.

  • Laura Jones

    Can Jon put in a “like” button? I enjoy reading some of the comments your readers make and want to click like to let them know.

    I resolve to spread 2 pounds of dandelion seeds on my neighbor’s immaculate lawn, to be a better photographer, and to read the college text books I avoided while actually in college. Which one of those three do you think I will actually achieve?

  • kataylor7

    To do more karaoke in 2011. Haiiiiiii.

  • zpetals

    For this year:

    move more (I’m doing the 100 Days Challenge—John Bingham’s motivational thingy on Facebook—and while I’ve already worked out or practiced yoga 3 or 4 times per week, it’s easier to say to myself that I HAVE to get my 30 minutes in! That said, we’re only on day 3….)

    Run another marathon, and run a PR (that’s Personal Record, in case you aren’t a runner geek like me).

    Be gentler towards myself. I don’t know how I will make this work, but I’m pretty hard on myself. Maybe breathe deeply, more often. That might help.

    Also have some financial goals that have to happen before Bean starts kindergarten in the fall….

    Oh! And here’s a great book: The Book of Lost Things. Also, The Good Thief. Gorgeous books, both of them.

  • Sassafras Mama

    My resolutions are not large in number, just large to me: 1. Not to sweat the small stuff; 2. Get out there and try my hand at finding love (just writing it makes me sick to my stomach….fear of rejection sucks); 3. Have more patience with my son; and 4. Being grateful for the blessings in my life (I wrote about that:

    Bookwise, I share the endorsement of Water for Elephants and recommend The Ha-Ha by Dave King and Audrey Niffennegger’s The Time Traveler’s Wife.

  • misssurly

    Continue to get out of debt and work towards out dream property…

    Trust that I will be a good mom and give myself permission to learn things along the way. There’s no way to be prepared for EVERYTHING before the baby arrives!

    Love more, laugh more, be silly, remember the simple things and enjoy friend/family and nature that surround me. I’m so lucky, I just need to remember that more often.

  • pemstar2000

    I think my main goal is to not yell so much. With 8 children in the house (ages 11, 10, 9, 3, 2, 2, 2, and 9 months), it seems like that is all I do. Oh, and maybe a TV in my room(just kidding, they aren’t all biologically mine)! Well damn, already blew that resolution….

  • tiny apple

    i want to give birth to this child and then not turn into a frump like i did after my first was born. i want to attempt a hairstyle, and maybe put on makeup more frequently than when i have a wedding to attend, and not wear the same schlumpy wardrobe of t-shirts and jeans all the time. and maybe, just maybe, i can manage to get some of the extra baby weight off that i’m still carrying around from pregnancy #1!

  • Jen Cottrell

    I quit smoking 18 months ago, and in the process managed to gain 15 pounds. My goal is shed those 15 pounds by Memorial Day weekend. I will crown myself the Valedictorian of Weight Loss if I lose more and/or meet my goal sooner.

    Happy New Year!

  • mrstilly

    I want to cook more also. I’m six months pregnant and I’d like to come up with some easy meals my husband loves before the baby comes so I won’t be a new mom stressing about dinner.

    I also want to get back in shape after the baby, with lots of walks, hiking and maybe even some running by summer or fall.

  • Onewithbooks

    I am not calling them resoultions, but life choices for 2011. I want to work on my self image, do the best I can in school, and I want to continue the path of living on less, both in only buying what I NEED, getting rid of what I do not.

    I have started the last one already. I have been systematically going through rooms in my house. In the bathroom I tossed a K-mart bag half full of expired cosmetics. (I had no idea time had flown so fast on those shelf life dates). I also went through the medicine cabinet and tossed. Who knew rubbing alcohol expired? Then I went through my bedroom and evaluated all of my “junk drawers” and took three drawers that were “junk” and now I have one “utility drawer” and two empty ones.

    Today I went through the hall closet. In there we keep coats, gloves, scarves, a vacuum, some extra towels, extra cleaning supplies, tissues, and bath products. I took out probably a half a trash bag of things that were near empty, or so old I couldn’t remember when we purchased them (2++ years ago) and things that had definitely gone bad.

    Now I am taking a break from the office. My goal there is to have clear space. That means boxing up last semesters stuff, boxing the books I want to keep, getting rid of the ones I don’t, and sorting papers.

    Yay for progress!!

  • bellamaxjoy

    to better manage my time, and to learn to say no to people.

  • Cori_S

    1. Walk the dog three times a week for 30 minutes

    2. Pack a lunch a minimum of once a week

    3. Lights off by midnight. This is going to be the hardest one for me, I think. Night owl + two kids + avid reader = ridiculous bedtimes (we’re talking 3am, often). But I recently read in a magazine a quote by some beautiful person (Heidi Klum, maybe?) that said her secret weapon was sleep. That resonated with me.

  • territorial

    Oh where to begin!

    * a Photography course for me! I am finally going to take that damn camera off of auto!

    * slow down. I feel like I am spinning out of control most days, might be my gargantuan caffeine intake. Must check that.

    * just be healthier, mind body and spirit.

  • Gfunk

    Oh, the botfly videos. I got sucked into watching those. Did you see the one where the boyfriend pulled the botfly out of his girlfriend’s head (back of her head, I think). Gross AND awesome.

  • JuliaDil

    ugh… i only have one resolution this year:
    (unless, of course, the “problem” is really ready to go and not just MAYBE-COULD-BE ready to go)

  • aphoenix

    I’m going to spend about half this year pregnant with our first child, then the rest of it as a new mother, so my resolution for 2011 is to forgive myself. I’ve already experienced a little of the insane stress of “I think that might have had nitrates in it! Did I just KILL THE BABY????”

    So keeping sane and forgiving myself — that’s going to be my mantra this year.

    By the way, with regard to reading more, my experience has been that I can start 5 good-for-me books and still feel like I’m forcing myself to read them — but then you get to that sixth one, and it just grabs you right away and doesn’t let you go. Read a few of those in a row and you’ll be hooked — then you can tackle one of those “should-read” books that might take a bit more work.

  • karmadarling

    I want to be nicer.

    Especially to my sweet husband who is working two full time jobs while about to start his last semester of his undergraduate. All so I can stay home with our sweet girl.

    So I want to be nicer to him especially.

  • Not So Glamorous Housewife

    Seriously I need to simplify. If it’s crap it is gone.

  • Shea

    I am almost of ashamed of mine ’cause it is way too unreal to even happen but it’s only one, I can’t even imagine having three, yet it may actually be an impossible one but here goes…..

    I, Shea, vow this year to treat everyday as if it is a holiday.

    Oh. Good. Gosh.

    Good luck, Heather.

  • nikki

    1) To not be so distracted by things like BOTFLY VIDEOS.

    That’s all, really.

  • tokenblogger

    I watch those enGROSSing videos, too (and many others).

    I’m still working on my loads of crap all over the house.

  • jennisdrinking

    Be more patient. Especially with my daughter. She’s in 1st grade so she asks a million questions, and she’s supposed to, but sometimes I’m ready to pull my hair out and scream. (Usually after I’ve answered the same question twice a day for a couple of days…) Other than that, get rid of the clutter and ditch the frumpy housewife look, and go on more dates with the hubs 🙂

  • Jenguin

    For years I never accomplished “resolutions” so instead I decided to just make small “goals.”

    Last year’s goals included getting to goal weight (I had gastric bypass surgery Sept ’09, I lost 145 lbs!), run a 5k, learn to ski, learn to kayak, dressing up for Halloween (not terribly slutty, but a cute outfit!) — among other ones. I accomplished them all!

    So this year I made some more; run a 10k (and possibly a half marathon before the year is out), learn indoor rock climbing, hike more, swim more, and lay out on the beach at a resort. I included a bunch of crafty ones and that whole ‘read more books’ one snuck in too. (

  • KarmenTheGreat

    I resolve to be more selfish. It sounds terrible I know. I need to do more for myself. I am 26 years old and have never had a professional hair cut, I have never owned a pair of heals or an outfit that cost more than $40. This year is all about me!

  • writtendad

    I’m stealing your number two. I need to read more. Way more.

    And I need to try and live by a schedule that is more mine than everyone else’s. But, since I have a family, schooling, and a full-time job, that is really just a fluffy resolution that means nothing and will likely never come to fruition.

    So I’ll stick with books. Read more books.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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