An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Not a boring resolutions post, is it?

I’m not normally a resolution maker, but I think as I age I can see the wisdom in such an exercise. Know what else I’ve learned with age? Life is too short to a) wait until you’re alone to pull your underwear out of your butt, b) obey the sign that says, NO RIGHT TURN ON RED and c) listen to anyone who suggests that watching two hours of botfly infestation videos on YouTube is a waste of time.

Also, if someone sends me a link to a really good video of earwax removal, I’m like THERE GOES THE REST OF MY DAY.

So I’ve been thinking about what I want for me and my family in the upcoming year, and here’s what I’ve come up with. Note: I’m trying to be realistic, so I avoided anything involving Zac Efron, but hey! Did you guys hear? He and Vanessa broke up! That’s just awful and tragic, but such good news for those of you who aren’t married and have the balls to stalk him!

First, I want to cook more. Oh god, Jon’s mom is going to read that and start calling every day to make sure I haven’t burned down the house. Not going to happen! You know why? Because Tyrant heard I was going to help my mom cook the turkey for Thanksgiving and he immediately bought a fire extinguisher.

Next, I’d like to read more books. I could tell you the specific number of books I have in mind for the year, but then you would know how little I’m reading now, and that may be the one thing in my life I’m too embarrassed to share. It’s just… all those episodes of “America’s Next Top Model” aren’t going to watch themselves, and next thing you know the free time that I would have used to read a book is gone!

And finally (yes, there are only three things on this list, otherwise I’d be too overwhelmed, and next thing you know it’s a Tyra smorgasbord all over again), and this one is going to sound weird, but I want to mix up my wardrobe a little bit. Take more risks. Not like bikini-top-basketball-shorts-Jesus-sandals kind of risk, I’d just like to wear a wider variety of what I already own and not just the same comfortable t-shirt over and over again. Or have my friend Cami text me at eight o’clock at night asking, “Are you still in your workout clothes from this morning?” and have the answer be, “Yes, how did you know?”

Spill it. What are you aiming for this year? (if the answer is “moose” or “elk” I don’t want to know)

  • colbyiscool

    to use my camera every day, and choose one photo per day, so that at the end of the year i will have a collection of 365 photos of my year.

  • Daddy Scratches

    My resolution is to have a year that sucks exponentially less than 2010. Assuming I don’t slip into another severe depression, get laid off, sell a house, buy a house, lose a close family member and try to put my life back together in a strange place 350 miles away from my previous home, it should be do-able.

    Also: Write more, workout more, stress less … and find a new shrink.

    Happy New Year, Heather. 🙂

  • susiefish

    1) Be a nicer person. I’m suddenly aware of how negative I am because I’m worried my one year old will pick it up from me! There’s no need for me to make fun of the bad hairpiece on the guy on tv, or be so sarcastic about politicians, or swear so much while I’m driving. So I’d like to have a much better filter on what leaves my mouth!

    2) Less stuff, better quality. I’m tired of buying three cheap sweaters and having one shrink, one unravel and one lose its color. I’d rather buy one really nice, classic sweater and wear it all the time.

  • missusclark

    I really, really need to work on my patience. “Keep Calm and Carry On” is my goal. And get rid of useless shit. Oh, and keep my kitchen floor cleaner.

  • KoralwithaK

    I quickly opened YouTube and searched for both earwax removal and botfly removal. Amazing. My life is forever changed.

  • SquareApple

    Totally not a resolution here, but have you seen the YouTube video for the biggest zit popping? Your reference to earwax immediately sparked my memory. If you are a glutton for grossness like I am you will get a kick out of it…..extra points for grossing out all family memebers.

  • BargainBex

    It may sound frivolous when I say it … but I’m trying to grow out my hair the entire year long and it’s gonna be a doozy.

    See … my sister is my hairdresser so every time I see her, it’s pretty darn easy to tell her I need a quick trim or a touch-up here and there, but I’m determined to stick to my guns and venture out into the longer-haired world (I’ve donned my cute, go-to pixie far too long now)

    I need a change. Might as well start on the outside to get the inside a little jealous and wanting to catch up, you know?

  • Andys Got a Grip

    I have a very ambitious year planned. I have drawn my crude version of house plans for me and my sister, which includes a tiny house for each of us and a large greenhouse/conservatory with a small pool that joins them and I’m taking those drawings to an architect to finish and then I’m building those suckers on the old family farm. And then I’m going to garden and do all the artwork I can physically handle and write books and read books. I’m going to have chickens and geese and ducks, I’m going to have a milk cow and a pig or two (yes, I will eat their babies) and maybe a couple of goats. I’m going to make yogurt and cheese. And my grandchildren will come and we’ll bake and garden and play with the animals and swim and have fun.

    That is unless I drop dead first. Then all bets are off.

  • paperback_writer

    Looking at past books you’ve recommended, I’m not 100% sure we’re on the same literary page, but “Edgar Sawtelle” by David Wrobleski is a gorgeously written book. About (nominally) a family that trains dogs. You might feel that the dogs are over-fictionalized (waaaayyyy too obedient), but I’ve been suggesting it to many friends who are looking to up their reading quotient this year.

    My resolutions:
    I’m a workaholic in a job that involves taking care of a lot of people. I do it well, but I don’t do the “taking care of myself” part well *at all.* I’m resolving to meditate twice a week, swim or jog three times a week, and get eight hours of sleep for at least five nights a week.
    If I’m still doing well on the above after a month, I’ll consider learning basic French (I have a trip planned there for this summer) and earnestly trying to lose 20 lbs (’cause two years of not going to the gym, not sleeping, and eating all your meals in the car are a sure-fire way to get a truly special body).

  • breeb

    goddamnit. now i just watched 5 videos on bot fly removal.

  • Becky Cochrane

    Get two manuscripts ready for submission. Keep going on the resolutions I made last year and have had success with. I’m determined 2011 will be great!

  • jan001

    Although these resolutions are not restricted to New Year (I seem to have to make and re-make them several times a year), here goes:

    I will try to let the storms at work swirl around me and not be sucked into them so much.

    Along that line: I will try to swear less often and less loudly at work. Ahem. Yes, well. Moving on.

    I will work on my meditation. I’ve been doing it for a long time and can drop into a meditative state pretty quickly and that’s all fine and everything, except I don’t do it as often or for as long as I should.

    I will read more just for pleasure. Currently working on:
    The Story of Edgar Sawtelle
    The Abstinence Teacher
    Silent Bob Speaks
    Waiting in the wings:
    The Elephant to Hollywood
    …Jon Stewart’s Earth
    The Russian Debutante’s Handbook
    Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
    I Still Dream about You

    I’ve kind of given up on the losing-weight and working-out-more ones.

  • Braidwood

    One of my resolutions is to cook more- really to learn to cook. (Internet high five!) And I feel really good about my resolution after reading this article: yay me!

    I’m going to continue reading the Newberry Medal award winning books. (Oh my gosh, I just realized that two of our resolutions are very similar!) I actually read a lot, but I stopped reading as much fiction as I got older. The Newberry books are fantastic because they are really well written but usually don’t have the trauma and tragedy of well written books for adults. yay! Just my speed. I read about 20 this year and they were great.

    hmmm… exercise… good food that I cook… good books… I know there were some other ones, but I forget right now.

  • katmart

    My resolution is kind of straight forward.

    While I love my hubby, I have come to the realization that we spend too much time together. How much time? Well, I can count on my hand how many times I went out with a friend without him last year!

    So I want to be more social this year and get out there and meet new people at the same time spend some good times with my close friends.

    I want to reach out to others rather than have them reach out to me.

  • Pluckychick

    Does it count if I don’t make my new years resolutions/wishes until today, 1/4??? Cause apparently the partial eclipse in the new moon today is The Best Day Ever to make wishes for the year.

    That said I don’t plan on revealing to anyone my plans for world domination.

  • Leslie_Yum

    I’m trying to keep it simple. There are a lot of things that I will try to do more of (eat better, more yoga, more books), but the two that I will focus on are:
    -sit up straight

    They rhyme, so they’re easy to say over and over to myself while trying not to be hunched over my desk at work…

  • debhayford

    After 2010 has literally kicked my ass; with my daughters stroke and her healing, to her recovery, to more surgery in August, to her beginning college a week after her hopefully last surgery, to her continued recovery, to my other daughter (her twin) shipping out to the air force, to my fathers death, to having to put my Basset, my old friend, for so many years, Bubba down -I would say keep loved ones as close to you as possible and be positive and strong and relax and enjoy. To say to all that things can happen that can instantly change the course of your life to what you hadn’t expected is an understatement to my year.
    Love your family and cherish them. I am wishing for a content 2011 and to make a point to appreciate what we have; Happy New Year to all – may 2011 bring you much happiness!

  • DooceFan4Eva

    I actually have read more books on my list this year too. I would like to read books with more substance. Perhaps some non-fiction. But I’m not a fast reader, so just getting through the few recreational books I do read is an accomplishment. I’d also say workout more. But we know how that goes. So, I’m not gonna say it. 🙂

  • jessiCat

    -Cook more

    -Have more patience with my 7 year old son who has ADHD.

    -SLOW.DOWN. And enjoy today! And stop fretting over tomorrow, next month & when my next paycheck gets deposited.

    -Take more walks and read more books with my son.

    -Remember that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and I need not take my life for granted. I love this crazy, dysfunctional, exciting, loved, and truly blessed life of mine.

    Thanks, Jon & Heather, for giving us a glimpse into your lives and for reminding us that it’ll all be okay! The DoCo had done more than you could ever realize for us, and I say CHEERS to all of us in 2011.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR, Y’all!

  • Elizallen

    No real resolutions this year except get more sleep, but funny you said you want to read more. I just started “Mennonite in a Little Black Dress” by Rhoda Janzen and while laughing out loud I thought, “Heather Armstrong would love this book.” I don’t know you, but it reminds me of your sense of humor and her thoughts about the family she loves, but still thinks is entirely goofy reminds me of your connection to your family. Hope you achieve at least one of your resolutions and don’t burn down your house doing so.

  • Figtron

    I will do something I said I would never, ever do again.

    I’m getting married, to the man of my dreams. Fairy tales are a joke compared to this…my very own happy ending.

    I cannot stop smiling.

  • TinkwithTude

    I don’t do the resolution, per se. We make a theme for the new year and try to follow that. This year our theme will be to make lasting memories, so we plan to take my mom swimming with the sea lions at Sea World, take our first family trip to the beach, hike some of the state parks in our area, and take more videos and pictures.

  • roserock

    Today is the first day of my first resolution…bring my lunch to work Tues-Thurs. This week I will visit the Y to take a tour and start on my second resolution…taking advantage of the free gym membership offered by my insurance company. Third resolution, learn how to use my new camera and take more pictures. Wish me luck! 🙂

  • MuffinCake

    We’re working on finding some financial stability and I want to be healthier. But the one that’s really got me inspired is the resolution to stop impulse buying (aka stay the eff away from Target) and only buy things second hand when possible. Other than underwear, toiletries, and gifts for people, almost everything we buy this year will be thrifted.

  • megrit411

    I want to try new things. Try cooking more, and not just the boring things I make all the time, but fun and fancy new things. I want to workout more and take fun excercise classes. And I want to work on my attitude. It’s so easy to be angry at the people who don’t deserve it just because I had a bad day.

    Good luck with your resolutions!

  • Meegs

    Mine are pretty simple/boring:

    1. Pare down clothes and “stuff”. We have way too much junk, and I hate the house feeling so cluttered. So declutter.

    2. In the same vein, get more organized with what we do have! There are a few things that I know I have, but don’t know where they are. Frustrating to no end.

    3. Have more sex. Seriously, my husband is a saint sometimes. Between staggered bedtimes and lack of sleep and waking baby, sex has fallen way down on our lists of things we do. It needs to be bumped up.

    4. Eat more greens, more variety, and more homemade yummy (non-processed to death) foods.

    That’s all!

  • amylsy

    1. Meditate.

    2. Be Thankful – yes, everyday. Eventhough sometimes it really sucks looking from here. But looking back, my grass is indeed greener than others most times!

    3. Communicate more, especially with my husband.We only talk about our child, and I cannot remember the last couple time out together or a good laugh shared between us. Sex is scheduled (trying for #2 and it is just NOT happening) and never spontaneous anymore.

  • alysia75

    I have several, including spend more time with my friends and perhaps get more than one hair cut over the next 12 month period.

  • katdenk

    You hit the nail on the head for me. Spicing up my wardrobe is where I’m at as well. I’m quite the tomboy so I’m thinking this year I’m going to wear more form fitting tops (I’m really good at sucking in my post-babies gut) and more girly clothes. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a tomboy but I think since I’m getting older (32) and I have two girls I have to stop dressing like a 16-year old skate betty everyday so that their friends’ parents stop thinking I’m “Aunt Kat.” Although I will not give up long shorts in the summer. I’m sorry, but thighs are not attractive.

    And I’m promising myself that the money I make taking pictures this year will go into a savings account so I can buy a new camera at the end of the year, and not go towards said girly clothes.

  • ladysera

    I know it’s kinda cliche, but mine is to quit smoking… tossed my pack of cigarettes at 12:01am on the 1st and have so-far not gone back.

    I’m also going to clean all the stuff out of my garage so I can walk all the way around my car instead of just walking down the driver’s side…

  • hackmanrj

    Take better care of my teeth, namely, floss more.

  • Kayscoth

    I am also going to try and read more books this year. I’m hoping to do at least two a month.

    I am starting to train for the Reno Tahoe Odyssey, which is a 12 person relay race in which we will run a total of 178 miles.

    Wish me luck!!

  • SandraDee

    My goal this year is to put myself first.

    If I put myself first, then I don’t feel guilty about going to gym after dinner.

    If I put myself first, then I will get in shape and lose weight.

    If I put myself first, then I will become a runner.

  • filmlady

    Around Christmas, I would have said “Stop eating all that crap and finally get your weight down to 150.”

    Then I got a really nasty intestinal flu, and you know how that goes. I stepped on the scale this morning and VOILA! 149.5 pounds, with no work on my part. And still no appetite either, but at least I’m not spending my life in the bathroom anymore.

  • luv and kiwi

    The regular poop schedule and making burpies their bitch are GREAT resolutions…why can’t I get on the cool bus and think of stuff like that?!

  • Square Peaches

    My goals for 2011:

    1. To stop being afraid: afraid of trying, afraid of failure, afraid of my power to do incredible things.

    2. To grow my blog (and its audience).

    3. To use my god-given creative ability — and make money from it in the process.

    4. To broaden my social circle; I find myself surrounded by people who aren’t the most positive-minded and it has sucked me down with them.

    The last five years have definitely sucked monkey balls (for the most part) and I have had enough. This is my time to shine!

  • Sylva Leining

    I will be running four times a week this year. There, it’s in writing, therefore it must be true. Ultimate goal: to have a cute enough butt for others to want to pluck my undies from 🙂

  • AnitaBlanchard

    My new year’s resolution is basic and needed: I’m going to value myself this year.

    As a working mother of three, that means, quite bluntly: that I will shower at least 4 times a week.

    It’s a big step up for me and my self-value.

  • dianemaggipintovoiceover

    start smoking and gain some weight.

    what? am i alone here?

  • seven2seven8

    I have three resolutions.
    (1) Give up refined sugar for the month of January.
    (2) Finish reading 5 books* I’ve already started.
    (3) Make all the meals in my new “Family Meal Planner Light” book** (4 meals x 52 weeks all under 500 calories per serving) (2 down, 106 to go).

    *Uffda, I never get to read either. If I FINISH a book per year, it’s a feat (I start many…see resolution #2).
    ** (Could help w/your resolution!)

  • sugarleg

    I take the whole month of January to refine the plan for the year. that’s what I love about January, it’s a whole month of clean slates!

    in the hopper:

    like you dooce, fashion getting kicked back up a notch. I miss it, it makes me feel great and I need the pretty back.

    travel. Italy would be nice. never been.

    2 more public readings of writings!

    win lottery.

    world domination.

  • Prin

    I want to get my financial life in order by paying my bills in the week that I get them. I also am going to balance my checkbook weekly instead of letting it go months without any entries being made.

  • janenyy26

    It’s lame and cliche but I am currently on a two-week “tune up” to lose the 5 pounds I literally stress out about every day. I’m a small person, so any weight changes are very obvious, and recently I’ve realized that I can’t afford to buy new larger clothes, so I’m dropping pounds!
    I have also resolved to be better about keeping up with my friends and family, a caveat to that being that I want to send more cards and letters in the mail. I mean, who doesn’t like getting one of those fake keys that “may unlock your dream house!!”, but sometimes a note that says “Hi, I saw some kid throw up today and it reminded me of that one time…” can make all the difference in a person’s week.

    Also, I would LOVE to somehow run into Jon Stewart, but I think that’s more of a 2012 goal…

  • amf

    I ended 2010 on a good note- I was very fortunate to be able to make some semi-drastic positive changes in my life. My main goal is just to keep up with that. I hope to continue being curious and open minded. I want to grow creatively and become better at photography and belly dancing. I want to read more books that challenge my view on life and the world.

    After reading about the food industry over this past year, I’m going to try to depend more on foods that I cook myself made mostly from vegetables, fruits, and grains and rely less on processed foods. I want to run another 5K this year and beat my time from this year. Hopefully, I can get back into practicing yoga and continue playing soccer.

  • OhBlahDah

    I resolve in 2011 t0:

    1. Move more, eat less (continue with Weight Watchers to lifetime goal, argh)
    2. Read more books since I now have an awesome Nook (no hating, Kindle users)
    3. Unsubscribe from all the crap e-mail ads and newsletters I get (one by one, hit that unsubcribe button since I do not need to know what GAP and Land’s End are selling on clearance this week!)

    Thanks for the impetus to create this list of 3.

  • jodi.belshe

    Two things– I’m hitting my weight loss goal by June 30, 2011 and I’m running an 8k race on May 30, 2011. After that, well, I’ve got six months of slothfulness to catch up on!

  • knittyknatty

    I’m aiming to be less of a doormat–and to stop colluding with people who treat me like one!

  • tracy

    I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, I prefer New Year’s Goals 🙂

    My goals for this year are to be more present & to nuture my personal relationships, including with myself. (No, not like THAT).

    I need to take care of myself because a) nobody else will, b) I need to teach my daughter by example & the life I am currently living isn’t what I want for her, c) I’m 35 and it’s high time I got to know myself, d) nurturing ME is the key to my happiness, and e) everything else will fall into place, including being emotionally available for other people.

    Happy New Year, Armstrongs!

  • Deserex

    I refuse to make resolutions because I fail at enough things, but I do HIGHLY recommend the book series Black Dagger Brotherhood by J.R. Ward! I’ve read the series twice, and it’s a wonderful “bedtime” story! Just read a few reviews and you’ll know what I mean!!!

  • madamvonsassypants

    This is actually the first year I’m making resolutions. I always despised people who waited until a new calendar year to set goals (and promptly abandon them), but it felt good to write down a few key things I plan to accomplish.

    – Finish my online graphic design portfolio and then advertise for more freelance gigs

    – Move and rent out my adorable little house in the country, and finally move into the city with my boyfriend

    – Be there for the birth of my nephew in February/March

    – Paint a mural in said nephew’s bedroom

    – Continue working out 3-5x/week and mixing it up so I don’t get bored

    – Throw 2-3 parties, at least. This includes the previously mentioned boyfriend’s 30th birthday, a house closing and/or house warming party, and at least one or two dinner parties.

    – Sell/donate/throw away a lot of crap that I own and SIMPLIFY

    – Make my 100 Life List!

    – Send more postcards

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more