Heater, Mother of Lance

Anatomy of an ovary

Monday afternoon I had my annual pelvic exam (HEY-OH! IT’S UTERUS TIME!), and since my regular OBGYN is overbooked for the next ten years I had to see another doctor in her group. And I had to answer a mountain of questions including, “Do you plan on having more kids?” That’s when I looked furiously around the room to see if someone else was there and answered, “Are you talking to me?”

She certainly couldn’t be talking to me because I’m quite sure that I walk around with a look on my face that says KIDS DID THIS TO ME.

“Yeah, NO. My husband had a vasectomy,” I said.

“But it says here on your chart that you’re still taking birth control?”

“Let’s put it this way: once, a publishing company sued me because I didn’t sign a contract. And another time, I got SHINGLES! while breastfeeding. And then on my birthday I found a mythical bobcat in my attic. You could say that the universe likes to screw with me. I’m not taking any chances.”

So then came the fun part, you know, when the doctor inserts a car jack into your vagina. Love that part. Makes you think, damn, women are lucky.

And then she had to examine all my parts, make sure everything was intact, but she was taking forever. And I was like, look lady, you’re really nice, but I just met you and you have your entire hand in my cooter. Can you at least buy me a drink?

When she finally finished she let slip a worried sigh and said, “Your right ovary is really enlarged.”

I let that sink in for a second, especially since my feet were still in the stirrups and I was undressed from the waist down. “What does that mean?”

“Could mean a few things,” she explained. “You’ll need to have an ultrasound so we can determine what’s really going on.”

Somewhere there has to be a Garfield comic that talks about how Mondays aren’t bad enough already, and here you have to go and throw an enlarged ovary into his soup?

I scheduled the ultrasound immediately, for yesterday afternoon, and then spent the rest of Monday staying away from the Internet. Not going to Google enlarged ovary, not going to Google enlarged ovary, not going to Google enlarged ovary, and then I lost all self control and did this:

Answers ranged from light-hearted joking (“You’re about to lay an egg.”) to downright scary (“Mine resulted in an emergency hysterectomy. Oh, and I died.”)

Jon accompanied me to the hospital yesterday, just in case of an emergency hysterectomy, because then I might need someone to drive me home. And then he said he loved me and everything was going to be okay, and I was like, stop, you’re going to give people the impression that we don’t regularly throw forks at each other. Don’t ruin our cred.

Unfortunately, this was one of those ultrasounds that requires the patient to consume 32 ounces of water an hour prior to the appointment. And then I had to hold it for that entire hour, for however long it took to see a technician, and then throughout the entire procedure. I’ve had two kids, y’all. My bladder sees liquid and runs screaming.

But I did it, I drank that damn water, and then I filled the bottle again and drank another 20 ounces. Because I am insane and wanted to be the valedictorian of drinking water for an ultrasound. Something could have been wrong with my ovary, but I was going to walk out of there and they were going to say to each other, MY GOD, THAT WOMAN CAN DRINK HER EFFEN WATER.

And guess what? Guess what the technician said as she pushed uncomfortably on my full bladder to get a closer look at my ovary? No joke, she said, “I’ve never seen a bladder that full! You did a great job!”

Right now I’m writing the speech I’m going to give at Drinking Water for an Ultrasound Graduation.

As I was concentrating on holding in my urine, the technician kept blurting out things like, “This is ridiculous! What did they send you in here for? There’s an ovary! There’s the other one! YOU HAVE OVARIES!”

And she had a Russian accent. So, you know, for the next month of my life I’m going to randomly yell YOU HAVE OVARIES! in that accent to total strangers. Men, mostly.

After the exterior exam I was allowed to empty my bladder, and as I did so the Mormon Tabernacle Choir broke out into a stirring chorus of, “Hallelujah!” And they continued when, during the internal ultrasound, the technician found nothing unusual. Again, she pointed to the screen and said, “So what! You have an ovary!”

I got the feeling that she wanted to find something interesting, otherwise why even learn how to use this equipment? She’s like all the critter catchers we’ve known, especially the one who was putting grates on some of our gutters to keep out birds when suddenly he got a call to get a raccoon out of a window well and COULD. NOT. CONTAIN. HIS. GLEE. I wanted apologize to the technician and tell her that I wished there were a raccoon in my uterus.

But, Hallelujah, THERE IS NOT!

(Still waiting for official report from the doctor, but all indications are that everything is fine.)


  • mommica

    2011/04/06 at 1:31 pm

    Well, last time I had an ultrasound they said I did a great job at filling my bladder. I’m the valedictorian of bladder-filling in Alaska only, I guess.

  • SugarShopSweets

    2011/04/06 at 1:35 pm

    I have ovaries too! So glad yours are OK : )

  • subjectivitis

    2011/04/06 at 1:46 pm

    Good luck!

  • Chloe

    2011/04/06 at 1:49 pm

    Is that like you’ve got mail?

    Ooh, old joke – do you know the zip code to your belly button? No? Then how do you expect to get any mail in your box?

  • J. Bo

    2011/04/06 at 1:49 pm

    Oh, dear… Having just “done time” in the hospital, I understand COMPLETELY. You’re gonna be fine. Hey, you have OVARIES!

  • juliejackson

    2011/04/06 at 1:49 pm

    I hear you, I’m going through this fear train right now, though it’s more complicated. So tired of it. Thinking of naming my left ovary Priscilla because she ees a leetteel beetch!

  • Geege

    2011/04/06 at 1:51 pm

    Glad to hear you just have ovaries. Quite common, I hear.

  • Leobenlover

    2011/04/06 at 1:53 pm

    I love to read all the good, bad and ugly about your life because you tell it so well but this is something I would not want to have to read about. Not because of the subject matter (wanna hear about my uterine fibroid?) but because I wouldn’t want you to have to go through more pointless crap that upsets your life and puts you mentally on edge. Enough already God. (For all of us)

  • Meranath

    2011/04/06 at 1:56 pm

    Aw Heather I’m sorry they scared you. Both of mine are somewhat enlarged because i have some cysts that come and go as they please. Evidently they’re just squatters.

    Also, they didn’t have to do a TV ultrasound? It was all abdominal?

  • themomdane

    2011/04/06 at 2:10 pm

    Well if you can’t get your ovaries and doctors to cooperate, then FFS you WILL control the universe by excelling in the water-drinking challenge. So glad all your hard work paid off.

  • ame_me

    2011/04/06 at 2:25 pm

    Calling it a car jack caused me to choke on my water. Amazingly accurate.

    Also, not to burst your bladder (ha. ha.), but one time when I had to have an abdominal ultrasound they asked me to go pee a bit because I had TOO MUCH urine in my bladder.
    You think holding it in is difficult?! Now imagine having to let go of JUST A LITTLE.

  • Absent Minded Housewife

    2011/04/06 at 2:29 pm

    Internal ultrasounds are such a hoot.

    I have cysts too, which they can never find, but I can sure FEEL. Because my uterus is tilted it takes me becoming Mary Lou Retton in the stirrups to get a good view of anything. The technician always apologizes and I just tell her that I can cancel my weekend in Tijuana now.

    …and I’m growing a goatee.

  • Anu

    2011/04/06 at 2:29 pm

    I just died laughing!

  • deadlysarsvirus

    2011/04/06 at 2:35 pm

    Now I’m in an episode of Sesame Street with Count von Count “ONE OVARY, ah ha ha ha, TWO OVARY, a ha ha ha” ad infinitum…..

  • deadlysarsvirus

    2011/04/06 at 2:35 pm

    Now I’m in an episode of Sesame Street with Count von Count “ONE OVARY, ah ha ha ha, TWO OVARY, a ha ha ha” ad infinitum…..

  • cris

    2011/04/06 at 2:35 pm

    I had to go drink water so I could have enough to cry of laughter. Great one, H!

  • luv and kiwi

    2011/04/06 at 2:40 pm

    lol! Glad to hear you have ovaries and no raccoons. Raccoons are going to be my new hot word for anything and everything dramatic. 🙂

    Thank you.

  • jenwilson

    2011/04/06 at 2:48 pm

    Oh my. I’m pretty sure the drink-three-gallons-of-water-before-your-ultrasound thing is just because the medical community wants to TORTURE YOU. I rebelled and didn’t drink any before my last ultrasound, and the tech was like, that’s okay! I don’t need you to anyway! And I was like, WELL THEN WHY DID THEY TELL ME TO IN THE FIRST PLACE???

    Anyway, I’m glad all is well with your ovaries and that you do, indeed, have ovaries. I’m pretty sure that when my husband has a vasectomy, we’ll still use a back-up method until we’re 89 because I have this problem with not getting pregnant.

  • Ommax3

    2011/04/06 at 2:50 pm

    So glad all is fine…varmits in the cooter/ovarys would suck. Once, I had to drink stupid amounts of water for a ultrasound…I got there and they told me I had drank too much…I needed to let just a little out…let me tell you…my bladder thinks that once the dam is broke, it should gush…nothing more uncomfortable or difficult…to only let out a little bit! 🙂
    You go valedictorian of water drinking!

  • mimsy lafree

    2011/04/06 at 2:55 pm

    So glad everything is alright! Every 6 months, I get sent to get an ultrasound for some unspecified *bulge* on my ovary. And every 6 months, the technician says, “Yes, that is STILL your small intestine, slightly looped next to your ovary.” Yet I still manage to panic about the endless possibilities for disease and disaster when my Gyn schedules the ultrasound. Too scary, these lady-bits.

  • Siera

    2011/04/06 at 3:00 pm

    All I wanted to do was leave a comment, but I had to go and login, and I forgot my password, which resulted in checking my email to have it reset. It’s so annoying with a toddler underfoot. Why can’t you be like most bloggers that just require and email address and a name so I can say what I wanna say and be done with it? This is why I rarely read your blog and hardly ever comment. Now this is what I was going to say before I got annoyed.

    I get the drinking of the water and feeling like your bladder is going to explode in pain. Last time I had an ultrasound the tech told me that I had such a small bladder to only drink 16 oz.

  • Jen

    2011/04/06 at 3:05 pm

    I had an enlarged left ovary and had to get one of those internal ultrasounds where they stick the wand in there and press around on your gut. After a few minutes the MALE tech basically told me I needed to go walk around somewhere for an hour or so to get my bowels moving because the colon passes through the lower left side of the abdomen and he wanted to make sure he was seeing what he thought he was seeing.

    So basically I had to walk around the mall aimlessly and hope to take a crap so the tech could be sure he was seeing a large cyst in my ovary and not a turd in my butt.

    Fun times!!! (I never was able to go, btw, and it turned out that yes indeed it was a large cyst – tennis ball sized, to be exact – and I had it surgically removed a month later.)

  • dolphy36

    2011/04/06 at 3:19 pm

    I definitely appreciate this walk down memory lane for me…I, too, had to drink a whole lotta liquid and then wait for it to head south. Only thing was I forgot to calculate how much was already in my system. I drove to the hospital and must have had urine-colored eyes, because the tech took me an hour early, bless her heart! She told me I had to have around 64oz in my bladder…It was seriously painful! Part of the pain, as the ultrasound discovered, was a grapefruit-sized cyst enveloping my ovary. There was a lot of extra stuff jammed down there! And when she let me relieve myself before the “internal” ultrasound,well, angels did indeed sing songs of praise!

    I was so delirious at that point she could have probed me with a cattle prod and I don’t think I would have minded! Ah…

    My tech said things like, “you’re being a really good sport about this…good to have a sense of humor…” and I knew something was wrong. Turns out I had endo, and after three surgeries I was still blessed to conceive my miracle baby.

    Sorry for the long commment, but you brought back a lot of memories today!

  • ChickWhitt

    2011/04/06 at 3:29 pm

    This took me longer to read because I had to get up to pee.

    One time at the gyny I swore the woman touched my lungs. I couldn’t see her elbow anymore. I thought about asking her to punch my boobs from the inside so maybe they would get a little bigger.

  • girlplease

    2011/04/06 at 3:33 pm

    Trust me, do not Google ovarian cancer! According to Google, I have ovarian cancer. My now normal ultrasound and upper GI makes me want to Google ovarian cancer more. But no. I won’t. Yet now I’m being ordered a full visceral including lady parts CT because no that doesn’t scream “let’s rule out ovarian cancer.”


    Trust me, I know how the whole “hmmm let’s get you in the radiology stat” feels.

    I hope your results come out ok and it was only a Barbie head stuck there from 1978.

  • MelissaJ

    2011/04/06 at 3:51 pm

    i saw your tweet…i did google it…i couldn’t respond.

    so YEA you have ovaries!

    and do i see a masthead in the future?

  • Mrs_Wormwood

    2011/04/06 at 5:44 pm

    thank you thank you thank you! for the laugh. I needed that. Glad to hear it turned out to just be an ovary and not a lump of something scary.

  • jennie50000

    2011/04/06 at 6:03 pm

    I feel for you, I really do. I had the same thing happen to me last year with my lovely annual exam – the doctor says that my right ovary feels enlarged, so I need to go for an ultrasound. The ultrasound that couldn’t be scheduled any earlier than 4 days later. So I got to sit and worry about my “enlarged ovary” and try not to freak out about it for 4 frickin’ days. I drank my obligatory 32 oz. of water before going, to then be left in the waiting room for 45 minutes after my appointment time. That was lots of fun. And, after all that, they couldn’t find anything wrong…

    Good times…

  • masshole_amherst

    2011/04/06 at 6:05 pm

    I just asked my roommate to say “YOU HAVE OVARIES” in Russian accent because she’s Russian and her parents have an accent. She looked at me weird.

  • me123

    2011/04/06 at 6:25 pm

    thank god it was nothing!

  • MsMegan

    2011/04/06 at 6:43 pm

    You have the ovary comment in a Russian accent, I have a “Leeft up your leg” because my bikini waxer was Russian.

    A doctor I used to go to had a PA that actually had me get an ultrasound on my throat (to see if my thyroid was enlarged)because… well I still don’t know why.

    As my mother always says, someone has to graduate at the bottom of the medical school class. Sorry you had to be subjected to one of the low-achievers!

  • Gillian G

    2011/04/06 at 7:34 pm

    Too funny! Glad all is okay!

  • DeirdreMarie

    2011/04/06 at 7:40 pm

    LOL Cats say:
    I can haz ovary now?

  • jesterqueen

    2011/04/06 at 7:49 pm

    I’ve been reading awhile, but I just now gave in and signed up for an account to comment on this post.


    I had a hysterectomy last year due to mild but painful endometriosis. And it made me SO HAPPY thinking “I DON’T HAVE OVARIES”!!! as I looked at your page that I had to share my bizarre joy with everyone out there.

  • TropicalPopsicle

    2011/04/06 at 7:50 pm

    Glad to hear everything looks to be a-ok! Thanks for including the link to the shingles post. I’ve been wanting to watch that SHINGLES! video again. It has been on my mind lately since I keep hearing commercials encouraging people to get a SHINGLES! vaccine. Ever since you made the video, I have not been able to hear that word without picturing you and your wiggly fingers. SHINGLES!!!

  • megsmindnet

    2011/04/06 at 8:18 pm

    Let me just say that of all the things I would like to have in common with you, being assaulted with a speculum the same day you were is a commonality I could have done without. Ugh! I had conveniently blocked the “joys” of an OB/GYN visit from my mind and it was QUITE the unpleasant surprise to be reminded.

  • Cecily

    2011/04/06 at 8:37 pm

    I totally just choked on a popsicle reading this. Not that has anything to do with your ovary. It’s just that you made me laugh, yo.

  • karkle

    2011/04/06 at 9:29 pm

    Truly loved your retelling of these lovely, obligatory annual visits.

    One fine day back in July, I started off at jury duty and ended up in surgery for acute appendicitis. But not before I was poked, prodded and forced to drink the same terrible dye water and wait and wait for the scan and confirmation of diagnosis. I remember alternately taking gulps of water and flinching at intense pains and wondering how it compared to labor.

  • Motherhood Times 3

    2011/04/06 at 9:59 pm

    She may have just felt a ovarian cyst- they can appear and disappear overnight. (Or in my case, I had one, wasn’t aware of it, and the sucker decided to implode and cause interal bleeding and emergency surgery…. but I’m the one in ten million women that happens to, so it’s all good….)

    But hey- you have ovaries! (Just in case you were worried they were missing or something….)

  • Mama M.

    2011/04/06 at 11:46 pm

    I’m so glad you didn’t have to call the mortician. (But, the whole “critter catcher” business when talking about your lady bits? Made me think you had some funk in your junk. Just sayin’! 😉

  • TK

    2011/04/07 at 12:18 am


    Oh, you think you are the valedictorian of the pre-ultrasound water consumption? Nope, I challenge you for the title. I drank so much water and had such a full bladder that when I left my office to walk the two blocks to the Radiology Clinic for the external and the oh so lovely internal ultrasounds I had to waddle like a pregnant woman and then when they went to do the ultrasound my bladder was TOO FULL. The tech said “can you please go and void about 1 cup of the urine from your bladder” – like WTF do I have a measuring cup stored up my vagagay? Thankfully she handed me a plastic cup. Oh, draining that cup of urine felt so good. The best (not…) part of the whole thing was when she said during the internal portion of the ultrasound – “Excuse me, I need to get the radiologist to come in and take a look at this because I’m not completely certain about something I’m seeing. Do you mind if I just leave this “probe” inside while I go get him? I’ll have to prop it up with a few towels so it does not slide out”. Oh yeah, that was fun.

    If you ever have to have a colonoscopy let me know, I can give you a warning as to the fun stuff that will be coming your way for that particular procedure.

    Glad to hear that it does not seem to be something too scary.

    FYI – Since I decided not to have kids, I wanted to go off of the Pill. So I decided to get my tubes tied. The OBGYN warned me that if I was not on the Pill even with my tubes tied that the “flow” would likely be really heavy again – it was wicked bad when I was a teenager which is why I went on the pill in the first place. BUT, I had the answer to the problem already figured out. Endometrial Ablation – a procedure that cauterizes the lining of the uterus therefore preventing one from having their period. Actually a surprisingly painful experience. However after the surgery when the OB came by to check on me before they sent me home I told him how painful it was and that I had not expected that kind of pain from the procedure. He then compared it to the same kind of burn that you would get if you pressed a hot iron to your leg for about 5 minutes. That would result in some nasty, nasty burns. That’s what the ablation does. Unfortunately, the ablation did not “take” and about 4 months later I started having heavy bleeding. The part that sucked the worst was it was completely unpredictable. At least with your period you can predict it based on the date. But this was not that way at all. I could have bleeding for three weeks straight, then it might stop and then it would start all over again a few days later. Sometimes it lasted for a few days, other times it lasted for weeks. Basically, comparable to having your period EVERY SINGLE DAY. So after consulting with the OB about re-doing the procedure, he advised that a hysterectomy would be the best course of action given that my uterus was basically completely useless anyway. There was no way I could become pregnant and he said if the ablation didn’t work the 1st time doing it again would not work either. So I went with the hysterectomy option (just the uterus and cervix – I kept the ovaries so I would not have to deal with menopause at the age of 38). Unfortunately, there were some complications after the surgery – lovely things like copious amounts of blood unpredictably literally GUSHING out of the incision. Normally, they only keep you in the hospital for 3 (4 days max) after the surgery and they remove the staples from the incision before you head home. Well I had to stay for six days and they would not take the staples out before I left because the incision was still not healing as well as it should have. Then – because my life could actually form the basis for a very good soap opera – there was one spot on the incision that would not close and was constantly leaking lymph fluid (if you pushed on the area around that spot, you could actually “milk” the fluid out – I KNOW, TOTALLY TMI AND TOTALLY GROSS, but I don’t think it’s any worse than some of the things you’ve written about). THEN the effin’ incision got infected (which resulted to a trip to the ER) and because the staples were in for longer than they should have been, when the ER nurse tried to remove them with their torture device disguised as a “staple remover” it felt like somebody was ripping the incision open – she only managed to get 2 of the 10 staples that were there out. The gave me some morphine (YAY!!!) but it was still too painful and told me to come back the next week to have them removed! Yeah, let’s leave them in there for longer. Fortunately, my GP was working the evening shift at the clinic and I went to see him. He’s a sick bastard that loves having me as a patient because I develop cysts in various places that need to be removed and he LOVES to cut so that makes me one of his favorite patients, because he gets to cut – but I love him to death and he’s a fabulous Doctor. He’s all like “nope, them suckers have to come out now!”. I’m laying flat on the table trying to cover my incision with my hand, and he’s trying to covertly sneak up on me with the torture device and push my hand away at the same time. He was finally able to get the rest of the staples out without me having to punch him in the nuts.

    So, the point of that story is, while I had a shitty experience with the post-op complications of the surgery, having it done turned out to be one of the best things I’ve done. I’ve felt SO much better than I did before the surgery. Once I was completely recovered it made a huge difference in how good I felt. The only drawback is, since I still have my ovaries, I still produce the same hormones that I would if I was still getting my period. Since I don’t get my period there is no physical indication of “ok, this is obviously PMS” and when I start to feel a little psycho I have to actually figure it out that “oh yeah, PMS is what’s causing me to want to chuck something at your head”. Plus, while my Doctor loves to cut, he very much appreciates the fact that he does not have to get down there while my feet are in the stirrups – he said while he has to do it because that’s part of his job it makes him VERY uncomfortable and that he’s especially glad he does not have to get between my legs. He’s actually somebody that even though he’s my GP, he treats me more like a friend than a patient. It’s definitely not the typical Doctor/Patient relationship with us. If he was not my GP and therefore having to stay on the other side of the line, we would definitely be good friends. He’s only 2 years older than me. Heck, if he was not married and I was not married, I’d be all over that like white on rice because not only is he super nice and very fun to talk to and be around, he’s extremely effing hot. Which again makes me grateful for the fact that he does not have to perform a pelvic exam on me because I think we’d both be equally creeped out by that one.

    OK, sorry, that’s one GD long comment, but I figured if something does turn up and you do have to have a hysterectomy, I wanted to let you know that it’s not actually all that bad of a thing to no longer have your uterus and cervix (just think, no more car jacks all up in your vag, no more pap smears, no more stranger’s fingers in places they don’t belong – especially since they didn’t even buy you dinner first – in fact, you are paying them to get all up in your business).

    If something does turn up and you have to have the hysterectomy, if they have to remove your ovaries, I highly recommend hormone replacement therapy so you don’t go into early menopause. My mother had to have an emergency radical hysterectomy ages ago where they had to remove everything and has been doing the HRT since then. I would not even consider letting them take out the ovaries without the HRT.

  • Minka

    2011/04/07 at 5:51 am

    So maybe it’s fate, or just bullshit, that I started reading and writing blogs only this past week…. just as I experienced a similarly delightful situation. I’m going to refrain from making my comments in a funny parody of a russian accent, because trying to top all my witty predecessors just stresses me out. So we’ll all just yawn through my mundane english. Normally (and I use that term loosely) I’d send this as a private email, but as I’m quickly learning, privacy is something reserved for people like my husband and is somewhat frowned on in the mighty blogosphere. Take a deep breath, dooce — here goes: while my ovaries were apparently fine, it was my uterus that didn’t look so happy. I initially went in for a pelvic ultrasound (given by an overly chipper midwestern gal whom, again, I will refrain from imitating because I haven’t had enough caffeine yet, though someone more talented than me could have a field day with her — fargo meets speculum) after my doc found a polyp on my cervix the size of a kiwi. Sounds gross? Well trust me — it was. I know, because she showed it to me after she yanked it out. Ugh. Waited a week for the biopsy on that… which thankfully was “negative”… which is actually a positive thing. Weird, right? But while we were waiting on the biopsy, she sent me for this u/s to make sure more kiwis weren’t growing inside me… and that’s when we discovered… drumroll… the unhappy looking uterus. Here’s the scary part — the cheerful midwestern chick looked at it and told me everything looked “great!” with a smile so big I think my unhappy uterus smiled back. Then we waited while she gave it to the radiologist… who later waved goodbye to me as I left, also smiling at me, and the radiologist told the u/s technician gal that everything looked perfectly fine. Whoo-hoo! Went home and spent a very relieved weekend… whilst awaiting the “official” word from my doc. So then my phone rings… but I can’t get to it, plus it’s a number I don’t recognize, so screw ’em, they can wait… And when I check the voicemail, the message says: “Hi, this is Doctor Blah Blah’s (my ob-gyn) office. We have some test results. Please call back and press option 5, which is the EMERGENCY line, so you don’t have to be put on hold or wait, because we need to speak to you right away.” (fuck). Long story long — everything was NOT fine. Those cheerful midwestern fuckers who smiled and waved at me were either not allowed to tell me the truth, or they didn’t wanna fucking deal with me and left that to my Ob. So then I had to go in and get my now thoroughly miserable uterus biopsied. Friggin’ awesome. Waited another week… more joy. During which I contemplated who would come to my funeral, but ACTUALLY DID NOT GOOGLE IT. First time ever. Sounds impressive, but sadly not so much. Because instead I found a site called: justanswer.com. Where you can have conversations with “real” doctors online, and they can answer your neurotic, paranoid questions almost immediately, when your other “real” doctor can’t be bothered and won’t coddle you while you wait for test results. But these guys charge a nominal fee to essentially give you the best and worst case scenarios. this guy talked me off the ledge, at least until my results came back, and was worth every damn cent of the $35 I sent him thru paypal. In the end — I did NOT have uterine cancer. I do, however, have a thickening of the uterine wall that has to be dealt with… which means I’m supposed to take hormones, which means I’ll become bloated and psychotic. But at least I might not die anytime soon, though after living with me on hormones for long enough, my husband, or someone else, might end up killing me. I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you… since I never think them for myself, it’ll be refreshing. (and truly, you probably are fine. just sayin’… those fucking radiologists lie. you only get the real shit from your official doctor). dammit. I’ll be awaiting your official results along with the rest of your readers…

  • Krys72599

    2011/04/07 at 8:20 am

    Sure, you all might be valedictorians and all, but I, I had to sit in the waiting room, holding 40oz of water in my bladder, and wait for the technician to be ready for my internal U/S, all the while LOOKING AT PHOTOGRAPHS OF WATERFALLS ON THE WAITING ROOM WALLS, AND LISTENING TO THE SERENITY FOUNTAIN TRICKLING SERENELY IN THE BACKGROUND.
    When she came out to get me, I basically RAN to the office examining room! And then she said to me, too, to just let a little out, I should have drank only 32oz.
    Why the heck did the mailed instructions read 40oz then?????

  • momof8

    2011/04/07 at 8:35 am

    You should totally make a certificate and hang it in your office–maybe two. One that says, You have ovaries! And one that says, Fullest Bladder ever. It would be impressive. Seriously, glad to hear things look fine.

  • gaiasky

    2011/04/07 at 8:59 am

    Dude. Almost the exact same thing happened to me a month ago. Without revealing the doctor *cough* Avenues *cough* I went in for the usual exam and as the nurse was feeling me up she said “ever noticed this lump before?” and I about died. I went in for a breast ultrasound a few days later and got the same “you have ovaries” reaction….except….and you’ll love this. I have a lump shaped like a HOT DOG in my right breast. Yep, that’s me, ol’ hot dog boob. I feel your pain.

  • denacho

    2011/04/07 at 9:02 am

    the one time i had to have an ultrasound of my ovaries, i got in the exam, they started the ultrasound then told me I’D DRANK TOO MUCH WATER & COULD YOU PLEASE GO PEE JUST A LITTLE?! really? so try going, but not too much thank you!

  • edalli

    2011/04/07 at 9:22 am

    call me insensitive, but the first and only thing i really felt upon reading that whole story was: “I CAN’T WAIT FOR MAY’S MASTHEAD!!!”

    all kidding aside, i’m glad everything turned out well and that you’re healthy!

  • TessJ

    2011/04/07 at 10:46 am

    Best post ever!

  • thecattylife

    2011/04/07 at 11:12 am

    AH! I also recently had a pelvic ultrasound where I had to drink a bazillion litres of water and have them POKE REAL HARD at my bladder to see if they could make me pee! Even just a little! I held on (you and me both, sista) and how good does the hallelujah pee feel?!

  • tallnoe

    2011/04/07 at 11:24 am

    Dude. The hand in my cooter, buy me a drink comment just about made me choke. Thanks.

    And the car jack? YES! What is the deal with that cold thing??

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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