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Dutch clock weights

Jon and I are lying in bed on Friday night watching Bill Maher when he mentions that he had recently been bleeped on CBS when he referred to Tea Partiers as Tea Baggers. And he can’t understand why this term is now deemed explicit because not everyone knows what it means, right? And his guest John Waters is like, um, Bill? Of course everyone knows what this means. Even that former Mormon, Heather, in your audience knows what it means, and she was twenty-two years old before she ever saw a penis outside of a textbook.

Right then I tell Jon to pause the television. “You know what it means, right?” I ask him.

“Well, yeah,” he answers. “I’m pretty sure it’s when the guy drags his package across your face and rests his balls in your eyes.”

To describe my laughing fit as lasting forty-five minutes will underestimate it by at least an hour.

Rests his balls in your eyes? The?

I mean, I’m sure that this particular maneuver is a total turn on for some people, but the only thing I can think of when I hear this scenario is someone getting home from work and being all, dude, I am so tired. Do you think you could go stand in front of the freezer for a few minutes and then bring your balls over here and plop them on my eyes? Thanks.

  • Skydiver45

    You are hilarious! I can be having the worst day and all I have to do is come here to make it better. Thanks for the laughs! Somedays I’m not sure what I would do without you!

  • Anu

    OMG!!! That is disgusting and hilarious at the same time. LOL!

  • NPF

    HA! Totally reminds me of when we were on a girls trip to Vegas and we looked up “donkey punch” on Urban Dictionary. There was even a drawing – STICK FIGURES! – accompanying the definition. As horrible as the meaning of it is, I nearly died laughing. Even now, it’s making me snort at the thought of it.

  • kristanhoffman

    LOL!! Great “nubbin,” and also, great header. I might die from the cuteness.

  • NHMaman

    I learned this term from the college students I teach. They keep me current. Can’t say I’ve used it in casual conversation yet, though.

    My understanding is it started with some video game, although I forget which one. I bet one of those urban slang sites would say, although I don’t want to google it on my office computer right now.

    Oh, yes, we are all truly teachers and learners!

  • mominrome

    I agree with Anu: disgusting and hilarious.
    ah ! Ah!
    More hilarious than disgusting….

  • jon

    OMFG. Heather. You need HEARING AIDS.

    That’s all I’m going to say.

  • curlsz

    Ok laughing so hard my side aches and everyone at my office is looking at each other like – i told you, she’s a total loon

    ps I really want to hear the story from Jon’s point of view

  • fuzzymuffin

    My best friend loves “being tea bagged” and her definition of that is having her boyfriend rest his balls in her eye socket. I SHIT YOU NOT. Maybe Jon was at the same party where she declared this to everyone in the room?

  • sizzlesays

    When talking with a male friend about this very thing years ago, he seemed to think he knew what it mean but when I asked him to describe it he said (and I quote), “It’s when a guy dips his balls into a woman’s vagina.”

    I am still laughing at that.

  • Amy J.

    You are in the shit now Heather, lol…you called your husband out on not knowing what the most beloved liberal slight to the Tea Party really is! ROFL…

    Thanks for making my day! ; )

    He is so gonna rail on you for airing this to the Internet.

    Ask him if he knows what any of these are:

    Alabama Hot Pocket
    Iraqi gas mask
    the dirty sanchez
    the rusty hook
    the donkey punch

    and last but not least…

    the Cleveland steamer

    NOTE: I do not condone nor do I participate in the above acts. They were explained to me by a gay friend of mine at a party one night where we were playing, “up the anty” on naming the most bizarre and revolting sexual acts we could.

    He won! LOL

  • iam3footjeep

    i absolutely love that definition. lmao!! great, now i can’t erase that mental image from my brain. i can’t wait to get home and read this to my bf. he’ll die laughing.

  • SarahCC90

    In defense of Jon, apparently not EVERYONE knows what a tea bagger is. But I am sure he does now!!!

  • ChickWhitt

    See, this is why I can’t have a blog. Because if I posted that, my phone would be ringing with my husband’s divorce lawyer.

  • chicgeek75

    I’m sooo embarrassed. I only just learned this term last week by watching “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” Then again, can’t say I ever heard the term.

  • BigVin

    Just to clear things up (pun intended) A Tea Bag is dipping the sac in the mouth. On the eyes is called Ball Glasses. Hope this helps Enjoy!!!

  • gmgilmore

    It’s in your mouth, not your eyes. Not that I would know…

  • gmgilmore

    It’s in your mouth, not your eyes. Not that I would know…

  • mydeaddogma

    I can’t WAIT to ask my husband if he knows what tea bagging is!

    Of course, that you know the term Dutch Clock Weights…well, let’s just say you’ve come a LONG way from the Mormon straight and narrow!

  • cndbain

    I thought John Waters made up this phrase, but I guess he just made it popular:

    Mouth or forehead, apparently.

  • ecr311

    Ok ask Jon if he learned this from watching The Newlyweds – where Jessica Simpson talks about Tea bagging.

  • chezmonchichi

    I love that hours later, I can simply think about this post and laugh out loud again. Except when my 2.5 year old looks up, startled that I’ve burst out laughing from complete silence and asks me why I’m laughing….

  • schneiderhuf

    I believe what Jon has described is referred to in some circles as Arabian Sunglasses.

    Fantastic story. I had a similar experience with my husband while watching Zach and Miri make a porno – when it got to the Double Dutch Rudder scene.

  • bunB

    I just registered here so I could tell you how hard I laughed out loud at this image. Classic.

  • VegasNative

    Actually, the particular move Jon described (and I’m dead serious) is called Arabian Sunglasses. If the penis is rested along the bridge of the nose it’s a Roman Soldier Helmet. I know way, way, way too much about this shit.

  • sweetpotatopie

    Honestly I didn’t know what it meant until your commenters “enlightened” me. I think I’ll stick with Maher’s version.

  • mommica

    So obviously tea bagging is not resting the balls on the eyes, but from the sounds of some of your comments, there is such a move, referred to as Arabian sunglasses. What I want to know is, how the hell is that fun for EITHER party? Is there heavy blinking involved or something?

  • luv and kiwi

    I just about died laughing lol…I was SO expecting to open up your post and read about some cutesy little antique clock you just bought with a picture of Chuck beside it. Boy was I wrong!!!


    Now I shall daydream of men droppin their balls onto eyeballs.

  • Agavi

    So many times I’ve wanted to comment but was too damn lazy to register.

    But I just *had* to thank you for the laugh, I’ve been laughing all afternoon. “Oh yeah? Well, balls in your eyes!” just might be my new retort for every dumb ass Tea Party media byte I have the misfortune to be subjected to.

    And please, for your loving loyal readers, I am begging you for a follow-up post in which he defines dirty sanchez.

  • Agavi

    @sweetpotatopie, that IS Maher’s definition. It wasn’t a slip of a tongue. That’s why it’s funny.

  • jon

    I didn’t say what she said I said.

    I might have to declare war in this house…

  • Tess

    Sweetpotatopie (and others that freely use this phrase), please do not stick with Maher’s version. It is disgusting and unnecessarily hurtful to many conservatives. How would you feel if people referred to liberals as “Donkey Punchers”? It is okay if we do not agree politically, but there is no reason to be disrespectful. Please think of others before you speak.

  • katdenk

    Jon, I think to avoid any further confusion, Heather has to show you what it is.

  • Amy J.

    Told ya Heather, LOL!!

    Men hate to be called out on not knowing sexual acts by proper terms ; ).

    So…she misheard ya huh Jon.

  • apostate

    This former Mormon girl used to think that oral sex was talking about sex and that “swallowing” was to actually swallow a man’s entire…manliness… and then gag it back up again. (Kind of like when you take a piece of spaghetti and swallow it and then pull it back out of your throat except for bigger.)

  • apostate

    “Donkey Punching”? Is that kind of like cow tipping?

  • Dee17

    That’s how the spas do it!

  • shellipsm

    gotta confess, never heard of the term before.

    But then again, the only penis in our house belongs to the 2 year old… 😉

  • kataylor7


    teabagging: “the act of lowering one’s balls onto someones face, or into their mouth while they are laying down. Kind of resembles dipping a tea bag into a hot cup of water.”


  • kataylor7

    ^Yeah, I looked it up.

  • BeerMe

    I believe John described Arabian Sunglasses.

  • whurlgurl

    The post is hysterical! The comments are just as fun! Jon posting every couple hours is the best!! I kinda would like to be a fly on the wall of your house tonight!!

  • lunacydress

    I’ve also heard it called Arabian Goggles.

    Oh, Jon. Sweet, naive Jon.

  • Laura Mauk

    This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. Watching Bill Maher is my husband’s and my Friday night ritual I love John Waters. But I might love this post more.

  • mybottlesup

    so what you’re saying is that chilled ball sacks will cure my dark circles.

    jon, don’t declare war in the house. marlo will win.

  • hartfordhouse

    I can’t get it out of my head! “Balls in the eyes” but to the tune of “Pants on the ground”. Gah!

  • Squeetthang

    I thought for a second that was called a “mushroom print”, but that is actually when they slap you in the face with their ball sack and it makes a mushroom looking print…which is also hilarious to think about!

  • Chloe

    No salad tossers here? One of my daughter’s recent Facebook profile photos was a child’s Little Golden Book entitled “Who Will Toss My Salad?”

  • Laura Jones

    Jon, I believe you because the absolute best story tellers never tell the truth, they exaggerate it until it’s worth listening to. This is why we enjoy your wife’s blog. Her timing is impeccable. I raise my glass to both of you. Great story.

  • hustleroses

    I registered just so that I could say that what Jon described is called MEAT GOGGLES. Teabagging is just resting your balls anywhere on another person’s body!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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