the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Small world

One morning last week on the way home from the gym I was sitting at a stop light close to our house right next to a PT Cruiser that had a lightning bolt decal running out from the engine, up and across the door. An involuntary noise escaped my mouth, a “PAAAACKKKKOOOWWWW!” And I realized that the lightning bolt was using me as a medium to say hello.

When I got home I wrote this tweet:

Okay. So. Someone driving a PT Cruiser with a lightning bolt decal is exhibiting a certain kind of taste. I’m not saying that my taste is better (well, I guess that’s exactly what I’m saying), but it says to me: I proudly own a denim couch. Or: a Native American dream catcher hangs above my toilet.

Anyway, it was just a joke. But as always, someone has to be upset by the joke, and while all of us were sitting around at lunch I brought this up. I was like, some people take their PT Cruisers very seriously, I did not know this, but going forward I will carry this revelation with me and not jump to conclusions when a PT Cruiser pulls up next to me and I can hear Creed on its stereo.

Right then Tyrant goes, “Wait. Stop. What color was it?”

“Maroon,” I answered.

“Was the lightning bolt yellow?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They got the color of the lightning bolt right! Credit where credit it due!”

“And you were at the stop light right over there?” He pointed toward the west side of the house.

“That exact one.”

He smiled. “That car belongs to my friend Fernando.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m serious.”

Shut up.”

“I’m totally serious.”


“He lives in my building.”


As he pulled out his phone to show me a picture of Fernando wearing giant sunglasses and a shirt unbuttoned to his belly button, he said “Honey, let me assure you that he gets more ass than everyone at this table combined.”


  • Ames422

    2011/05/06 at 1:46 pm

    Fernando sounds bad ass.

  • Kristyne

    2011/05/06 at 1:56 pm

    LO fuckin’ L! I think whoever coined the phrase “Don’t judge a book” had no idea their philosophy would extend to this oh-so- … poetic example. Love it.

  • HodgePodge

    2011/05/06 at 1:57 pm

    They’re actually called PT Losers.

  • TheScarlett

    2011/05/06 at 1:58 pm

    I guess this begs the question, “Which is better, an abundance of ass getting or taste?” (And I’m basing this on the way he wears his shirt rather than his automotive expression.)

  • Amber_D

    2011/05/06 at 2:01 pm

    Better a PT Cruiser with a lightning bolt than a Hummer with a Bush ’04 sticker any day!

    Thanks for the laugh.

  • Geege

    2011/05/06 at 2:12 pm

    Only a guy named Fernando could get away with driving that thing and still get ass.

  • Poddle

    2011/05/06 at 2:18 pm

    Did he look anything like the bearded hunk from that AMAZING music video? (BTW I imdb stalked him and he’s also Liza Minelli in the snickers commercial.)

  • juliemewood

    2011/05/06 at 2:19 pm

    So funny! I loved that tweet when I saw it. Thought it was particularly clever. Guess we were both wrong.

  • momof8

    2011/05/06 at 2:50 pm

    Please, please, post a picture of Fernando and his cruiser!!!

  • RuthWells

    2011/05/06 at 3:20 pm

    LOVING Tyrant this week.

  • haleysuzanne

    2011/05/06 at 3:32 pm

    This is the most awesome PT Cruiser I have ever seen – taken in the middle of nowhere Virginia at a parade:

  • SugarShopSweets

    2011/05/06 at 3:39 pm

    OK! Only in SLC can you have 1 degree of separation like that!

    I liveD there for a couple years and quickly learned to be careful about who I may have a comment about. That is waaay funny it happened to you!

  • jen.yaya

    2011/05/06 at 3:42 pm

    LOL Please tell me that isn’t what gay men consider to be “peacocking”. (Yes I am taking a really tiny leap in assuming that Fernando is gay.)

  • LJarrett

    2011/05/06 at 3:42 pm

    So much PT Cruiser hate in this world! This post cracked me up, and let me just say…I drove a PT Cruiser from the time I was 16 to 24 years grandpa drove it for a year and then gave it to me. He was not a fan. It’s sad that a car a drove for 8 years was not even cool enough for a grandpa. Haha!

  • tallnoe

    2011/05/06 at 3:55 pm


  • sybann

    2011/05/06 at 4:17 pm

    “…he gets more ass than everyone at this table combined.”

    OF COURSE HE DOES! He has no filters, inhibitions or shame.


  • Laura Mauk

    2011/05/06 at 4:37 pm

    Heather, you have the biggest blogger balls I’ve ever seen. I hope that someday I can grow a pair as big as yours! Another awesomely hilarious post. Laura@

  • cris

    2011/05/06 at 4:50 pm

    I’m european, I’m forced to share this:

  • mrsckugs

    2011/05/06 at 6:26 pm

    Fernando is probably a better dancer than me too 🙁

  • writtendad

    2011/05/06 at 7:19 pm

    Ass or not, it’s a PT Cruiser. With a lightning bolt! Even flames may have been better. I mean, I’m not gay, so maybe it’s a gay thing, but if it is, I feel bad for the gay population. I mean, it’s a lightening bolt! On a PT Cruiser. Come on.

    And you’re right about the Creed. Plus, if you didn’t notice a dashboard Buddha high-fiving a Jesus on a spring, it’s only because it fell off the dash.

  • bucky4eyes

    2011/05/06 at 10:09 pm

    I take my PT Cruiser VERY seriously.

    And, yes…I DO miss having sex. With other people. *sob*

  • apostate

    2011/05/07 at 12:25 am

    …in the firelight Fernando, you were humming to yourself and softly strumming your… er…

    I’ll be on the lookout for that cruiser now as I run my errands.
    Good story. There must have been something in the air that night.

  • apostate

    2011/05/07 at 12:27 am

    cris, I am not european. I wonder what my excuse is.

  • mybottlesup

    2011/05/07 at 7:01 am

    as soon as i read “Fernando,” i heard lady gaga’s “Alejandro” in my head.

  • Terroni

    2011/05/07 at 8:51 am

    I think the question here is, how much combined ass is the table really getting? I refuse to be impressed by Fernando until I have better idea of the relative nature of this scale.

  • TheSkyIsOverrated

    2011/05/07 at 10:08 am

    My husband wanted to buy one when they first came out but when I told him it would render him single he chose married life instead.

    Yellow lightning bolt though eh? Oooh baby!

    You’ve gotta hand it to Fernando. I mean if you’re going to own a PT Cruiser it should absolutely have a lightening bolt along the side. Well that or a rainbow. 🙂

  • missusclark

    2011/05/07 at 11:13 am

    Ha! That’ll learn ya, Heather!

    My mom had a black PT Cruiser she called “the Junior Mafia Staff Car”. Whenever I drove it, I’d be chatted up by other Cruiser owners in parking lots. ‘Course, they were mostly old guys with nostalgia for the 50’s but still. Bet I coulda got lots of ass….

  • Tori_OR

    2011/05/07 at 9:02 pm

    People do take their PT’s very seriously

    A few years ago my cousin came to visit and got a PT Cruiser as his rental car. We were waiting to pull out of a grocery store when a guy walked up to the window and asked if we’d like to join their PT Cruisers Cruise.

    We laughed, thinking; of course this guy is joking. But he turned around and pointed to his PT Cruiser parked on the street with a GIANT waterfall mural painted on the side. Parked behind him were 10-15 other PT Cruisers all with custom paint jobs. He introduced himself as the President of the Tualatin Valley PT Cruiser Club (TVPTCC was his custom license plate). We declined but that story usually comes up when that cousin comes to town. We both think we should have gone on that Cruise because those folks looked like PARTY ANIMALS.

  • TK

    2011/05/07 at 11:53 pm

    That is HILARIOUS. I’ve read it over a few times now over a period of about 4 hours, and even though I know the ending of the story, it never fails to make me laugh. I guess it’s the picturing you all sitting there and having this conversation and then Tyrant’s comment about how “he gets more ass than everyone at this table combined…” – it’s just the icing on the cake of an already good story!

    LOVES IT!!

  • jenwilson

    2011/05/08 at 10:00 pm

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Oh. My. Word. That is awesome.

    Also, I hate PT Cruisers.

  • Kristi

    2011/05/09 at 7:43 am

    That whole story is just freakin’ awesome.

    My reaction is just like your cousin’s when you saw your old boyfriend in the airport:

    “Of course you did!”

  • roomagoo

    2011/05/09 at 12:08 pm

    Everyone knows that PT Cruisers are the mom jeans of cars. That’s why Fernando driving one throws me for a loop, but it makes a great story! I agree with Amber though- the only thing worse than a PT is a huge ol Hummer with a Bush ’04 sticker on it!

  • Totah Sam

    2011/05/09 at 12:22 pm

    When I first bought my Chevy HHR, I was so proud of my baby. That pride was crushed when I was in a drive-through getting a drink and the cashier asked me how long I had my PT Cruiser.

    The look on my face must have been priceless because the cashier started laughing when I said, “It’s not a PT Cruiser!!! 😀

  • jillm5

    2011/05/09 at 12:28 pm

    PT Cruisers are stupid. That would be a deal breaker for putting out any ass!

  • JillT

    2011/05/09 at 12:37 pm

    Oh this is such a hoot! So needing humor today-thanks. I own a cruiser and am able to laugh at myself so my fav. tweet up to now was: Just saw a PT Cruiser owner get out of her car and, get this…she LOCKED the doors. ROFL!!!

  • AmandaRRM

    2011/05/09 at 3:22 pm

    If someone is still blasting Creed they need some new tunes! Try this out…This is a new and upcoming artist. Her name is Rachel Platten and I recently saw her play in NYC and she rocked it! Here is her video! Check it out!! She is too cute!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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