An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Halfway there


Saturday morning I voluntarily got out of bed at 5 AM to go for a run. “Go for a run.” HA! Ha ha. That sounds so innocent. So sweet! If it had a nose I’d pinch it and then rub it on its head while gushing WHO’S THE CUTEST LITTLE GUY WHO?

My training regimen said I had to run 13 miles. Pretty much a half marathon. And since that would take over two hours (THE HELL?) to complete I had to get a head start so that I didn’t get caught in the heat. So I strapped on all my gear, so much of it that I might as well have been headed to the moon, and slipped out of the house into the pitch black of the morning. How fucking poetic is that?

Finding a path in this town that doesn’t involve giant hills is pretty much impossible, and Saturday morning was no different. I hit a steep patch at mile seven, so I slowed to a walk and took advantage of that moment to eat a goo. Do you know what those are? Goos? They are pretty much what comes out of Satan’s ass when he empties his bowels.

No, no. You’re a runner who has found a goo that’s really tasty and you want me to know about it. No. The chocolate one, right? I tried that one. Satan poop.

I downed that awful goo at mile seven, took a giant swig of water, and turned around. All I had to do was make it back to the house. All I had to do. SO CUTE!

At mile nine I turned my body off. I didn’t want to listen to it anymore because I had to hear every second of the four miles ahead of me. And then at mile ten I realized my fatal error: in order to get back to the house I’d have to run three miles straight uphill. DAMMIT, UTAH. You and your gorgeous scenery.

There was no way I was going to make it if I had to do those miles on such an incline, so I decided I’d end the run a few blocks away from my house and then walk home. I kept zig-zagging up a block, down a block, through an alley, up another block, down through a park, the mileage rolling over in slow motion: 12.5 miles, 12.6 miles, 12.7 miles, 12.7 miles, 12.7 miles… OH COME ON.

After several more blocks the GPS told me I’d gone 13.18 miles. Half marathon complete. But when I stopped running my legs almost collapsed. My body switched on, and oh, the pain. Lightning and glass shooting up though my ankles into my butt. When I looked around to see where I was I realized I had to walk a half a mile home. Uphill. And that was the longest, most excruciating half mile I have ever walked. I know, the Mormon Pioneers are not impressed.

You runners are total nutballs.

  • becky finn

    i’m the idiot that took up running at 40. stupid! but your first marathon? nothing like it. I cursed like a sailor the whole time, tried to figure out a way to get out of it at mile 14 (but realized i’d still have to walk a good 5 miles to where i’d find people able to ferry me home), and then somehow at mile 20 found the energy to stick with it. A running partner of mine joined me at mile 22 and helped me run the rest of the way in. It was sort of like your birthing experience: it sucked, and then i cried. And I’m planning to run 2 this year. It’s a crazy sickness, but there’s also nothing like running the long distance to bring you in touch with yourself. I’ve never felt so capable in my life. I’ve never been an athletic person, so to be able to say “I run marathons” is worth the pain. P.S. A running partner helps soooo much on those long runs. Joking around with a friend helps the miles go by faster. If none of your friends are stupid enough to be distance runners, join a running group. They’re full of the fun running idiots.

  • kheenan.halvorson

    not that you haven’t probably been told 100000 times about goo but there are some OK ones. I was using those for my 2nd half marathon and grabbed one out of my pocket at mile 8 and squished it into my mouth. Big mistake as it was chocolate and i couldn’t swallow. i ended up chucking all over. a couple miles later i tried one again and it was ok. I do not remember said flavor but i do remember it was power ade. I did a little at a time and it wasn’t super thick Satan poop. Also there are these things called sharkies sport chews which are amazing. Now i have never done a full marathon but hope to some day, cant imagine all the work you are putting in for it. Hope my advice helps. Oh there is one more bit of advice i learned. If you try to drink out of those teeny tiny cups don’t try to drink it the normal way cause it doesn’t work. You have to squeeze the cup together so you can then try to siphon it out. I found it impossible to try to drink it normally.

    Good luck and cant wait to read the race report when its up.


  • meg601

    I’m so glad you are writing about running- I love to laugh about the craziness of training.

    I have tried over and over again to get a Goo down with no luck. I am quite happy with Shot Blocks- cran/ras. In a half I eat at 3/6/9 and 1 extra if I need it. I cut the packages in half and stick them in my two front pockets in my Lululemon shorts and eat as I approach a water/gu brew station ahead. lulu + shot blocks = one happy runner. 🙂

    Good luck with training! Can’t wait to hear more stories.

  • melizerd

    Since Aug 2010 I have lost 75lbs and I have started running. I’m still fighting that 5K mark but when I read you’re doing a marathon I know that I can do this too!

    Most of the time it’s my mind that doesn’t want to do it (what’s up with that anyhow?!) not my body, my breathing is okay and my legs feel okay so I just keep going no matter what my brain says. helps with that because I download music that is the correct tempo for what I want to keep and it keeps me focused on number of songs not number of minutes/miles.

    And I’m scared to try any of those goos/bars because everyone says they taste like ass.

  • minarets

    I have to chime in on Jelly Belly Sport beans. I ate the orange ones for two half marathons.

  • Ezza

    I love how you say ‘you runners’ when you are clearly the one running, and we are here sitting on our arses surfing the internet.

    Dooce, you be a runner. Sorry.

  • tallnoe

    There is some research that’s been done (and read, not by me, but by a friend) that the Shot Bloks from Clif Bar are better for energy than the goos. Something about the way our body uses them… and they’re like gummy bears. Or gummy bloks.
    Just a thought.

    And, a) you’re wicked awesome for doing it and b) batshit crazy as well. My knee hurts for you.

  • theparticularg

    as a runner who has willingly forced myself through many horrible, terrible distance races, i totally agree while goos TASTE disgusting, the texture is basically the same as hot toothpaste, which makes them 1000x more awful.

    i switched to regular old jelly beans a couple of races ago at the advice of some other more experienced runners. 8-12 old-school jelly beans in place of each goo you would eat, so for a marathon you’d need maybe 30. they’re so much better, not only taste-wise, but also they’re cheaper, you can space them out more, and they won’t upset your stomach like goos can.

    happy running 🙂

  • ajky

    Kirkland dried blueberries are the best thing I’ve found for delicious energy on a run. Sure they have added sugar, but that’s added delicious AND added energy.

  • allovesz3

    Hammer Gels are FAR superior in taste! I’ve tried them all too. Apple Cinnamon is like a little bite of apple pie mid-run. They also have less sugar in them. I actually look forward to taking them now! And if you run 2 hours or more, I highly recommend taking a 10 minute ice or cold water bath. It will help tons with the soreness.

  • Lizzo528

    I don’t think anyone has mentioned this yet, but the Cliff Shot Raz gels are actually fairly decent… They’re the only ones I’ll actually use. I know the gels taste like what comes out of Satan’s ass, but they’ve saved me more than once.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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