Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

The finish line

This is the last time I’m going to have time to write before I run the NYC Marathon on Sunday. Yes. After a gentle three miles on the treadmill this morning I decided I’m going to give this thing a go. No, I will not have my head checked. All they’d find in there is a few pennies and some Skittles anyway.

Actually, I probably should have my head checked because I’m starting to do really stupid superstitious shit. Like, so stupid that it’s embarrassing even for ME to admit. Like, clicking the lock button on the car key fob three times. Not once. Not twice. THREE TIMES. If I don’t click it three times then someone is going to break into the car, and then I won’t be able to run the marathon.

I know, that’s a diagnosable disorder. Whatever. Add it to the pile I already own. Yes, that is a very large pile. Hoarding is in there somewhere if I could only find it.

Yesterday the Every Mother Counts team hopped on a conference call to hammer out some final details before the race, and here’s where I know my brain is going to get even more screwy. Screwier. More screwier. The most screwiest: we have to be in a van at 5:15 AM that will take us to the start of the race on Staten Island. EXCEPT, we don’t start the race until almost 10 AM. WHO THINKS THIS IS A GOOD IDEA? Runners are crazy, and here you’ve given them five hours to sit around and contemplate, what? LIFE? The innumerable ways one could hurt oneself while traversing 26.2 miles WITH ONE’S LEGS? I imagine that every cult on earth was started by a runner whose brain collapsed in on itself during those five hours.

I’m also supposed to be carb loading and avoiding fiber, and of course I was the one on the call who was like, so you’re telling us that we should show up constipated? Because GUESS WHAT. I will never be the valedictorian of marathons, but I am the God of the planet Constipation.

Thank you for coming along with me for this experience. Many of you have sent me such helpful advice that I know I wouldn’t be here, three days before the race, confident enough to say that I’m going to attempt it had you not offered your insight. Also, I really want to thank everyone who donated to the cause. We raised over $6,000 in my name, and almost $82,000 as a team.

I want to be reverent because of the importance of the work that Christy’s organization does, but PEOPLE. That is really effing amazing. EFFING!

As much as I want to run this for my own sense of accomplishment, I want to do it even more to honor your generosity and the women whose lives will be improved because of it. Thank you so much.

So, please. Hip? Groin? Ankle? Work with me. I can’t do this without you. (See? I’ve started talking to body parts. I’m anthropomorphizing body parts. And all the runners reading this are like, what? Is there something unusual about that?)

I’ll be posting updates via twitter throughout the weekend, and if you happen to be in New York along the course, look for bib number 50891. She’ll be the one hobbling along, her face half eaten off, chanting, “BRAINS!”

  • bellamomma

    Way to go Heather! Mile 16! you have already surpassed your longest run! you can do it!
    I am following you all morning with my daughter Bella
    You’re my hero- my gimpy hero

  • tokenblogger

    I kept track of your progress. You went girl! You went and DID IT!

    It was amazing how you sped up for the finish!

  • allovesz3

    Congrats on the finish time!!! That’s an excellent first marathon time, especially for someone who trained so quickly. I’ve done 4 and my first time was over 5 1/2 hours! So well done! Imagine how great the next marathon will be when you’ve trained properly! 🙂

  • bellamomma

    You did it!!!!!!
    I am so proud/amazed/awed by you!

  • jstilwe

    Congratulations, Heather! Great job!

  • theBounder

    You SO nailed it, Heather!!
    I was sitting here in Vienna in front of my computer tracking you for the last two miles… and I got goosebumps all over when I saw you finishing it!!! I am so proud of you!!!!

  • menopausalmama

    Good luck Heather! You are an inspiration to all of us. Love the comment about the fiber and the constipation. Hopefully this will not be an issue during the run!!!

  • menopausalmama

    Just realized you probably have already finished the run by now. Keep us all posted!

  • txdad

    Congrats on your finish today Heather! Great first time, I can’t wait to read your take on it! That course is much hillier than I thought, but watching it today only made me vow to get there as soon as I can. Hope you heal well, and give yourself some well deserved time off. Set that next goal soon!

  • Jeneric

    My super stalking skills have discovered that you made it! Congrats!

  • mosprott

    BRAINS! are clearly the breakfast of champions. You ROCK, girl! Great job!!

  • zpetals

    You did it! Way to GO, rock star!!!

  • LinKelley

    Congratulations exclamation point.

    Your mind now knows what your body can do….no stopping you.

    Looking forward to reading about it.

  • geri-Mom

    congratulations for finishing! What a huge accomplishment!! You just ran a marathon!! Yay!!! You’ve done something (another something) most people haven’t. I’ve always wanted to run a marathon, but injury and laziness win every time! You ran injured and still did it!! Way to go!!!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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