the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Pimp My Dog

Cami: What the hell is this thing sticking out of his face?

Me: I take it you are unfamiliar with ANIMALS. That’s called a whisker.

Cami: Yeah, duh, I know what a whisker is. Did you really just say that to me? What I’m asking is why is it back here away from all the other ones? It’s this lone hair hanging out on his cheek. If I yank it out will he bite me?

Me: Do not dare yank that out. How about I pinch your ear or flick you in the forehead? Maybe I should staple a gum wrapper to your nostril. Same thing.

Cami: BUT WHAT IS IT FOR? It’s freaking me out.

Me: You obviously need more hobbies.

Cami: Answer. The question.

Me: What the hell do I know. Don’t cats use their whiskers to feel their way around in the dark? Maybe it’s the same thing.

Cami: When is Chuck ever feeling his way around in the dark? He lives in a house and sleeps on a bed. It’s not like he’s out hunting mice in the middle of the night.

Me: I’m betting it’s his curb feeler.

Cami: What did you just say?

Me: His curb feeler. OMG, you don’t know what a curb feeler is. THE PERILS OF HANGING OUT WITH A 23-YEAR-OLD.

Cami: I pulled your kid’s tooth without knowing what a curb feeler is. You can have that engraved on the golden plaque you owe me.

Me: I haven’t seen any since I left the South, but it’s this long piece of metal you attach on or around the wheel of your car so that if you ever get really close to a curb it screeches and lets you know you’re about to bang up your paint job.

Cami: I love how you just made that up.

Me: I’m a professional blogger. It’s what I do.

Cami: You still haven’t answered the initial question.

Me: I don’t know the answer! You have a phone. Google it. Or better yet, ASK TWITTER.

Cami: Dear twitter, what is this wiry hair sticking out of Chuck’s face? Sincerely, Cami.

Me: Dear Cami, it means WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Love, twitter.

  • bmarten

    2011/11/28 at 12:07 pm

    I too have often obsessed over what the whiskers are for and what would happen if you plucked them! I never done it though, that would be cruel 🙂


  • RathrBeAtWrigley

    2011/11/28 at 12:32 pm

    My corgi has one lone black chin whisker and I pluck it all the time. They freak me out too, Cami.

  • christine1127

    2011/11/28 at 12:55 pm

    When Cami is 40 or so, she will understand stray whiskers. I imagine dogs are much like humans in that when we age, we grow weird hairs where they never used to be.

  • Petri Dish

    2011/11/28 at 1:21 pm

    Sheeeeat, that convo actually made me LOL. Where can I get me one of these “Cami’s” anyhow?

  • Circe74

    2011/11/28 at 1:31 pm

    Listen, what up, I’m 37, which means that now *I* have random whiskers growing out of MY body. Anyone plucked them but me, and I’d bite their hand, too.

    And yeah, my dog, Max, has some weirdo whiskers growing.. but he’s 63, so he’s entitled.

  • Circe74

    2011/11/28 at 1:33 pm

    Ha! Just noticed Christine1127’s comment. PRECISELY!

  • shan.h

    2011/11/28 at 1:36 pm

    I call Kiyah’s her Chinese chin hair.
    Gives it a life of its own really.

  • Lauren3

    2011/11/28 at 1:56 pm

    Have you learned nothing in the past decade, blobber? PHOTO NEEDED, PLEASE. Also, more Cami outfits. They went away, and this is disappointing.

  • Heatherface

    2011/11/28 at 2:32 pm

    Just fyi, there are cars with curb feelers here in Los Angeles, but only the cars of old people have them because they stopped installing them on cars decades ago. Cars are just so big these days, the curb feeler probably wouldn’t even reach the curb. So now people just crunch their hubcap into the curb or drive up on it to realize they’re too close.

  • slappyintheface

    2011/11/28 at 3:11 pm

    It’s the “catfish whisker” … a lot of dogs have them … and if you get too close they will spit it into your face like a porcupine on meth.

  • Fawn Weaver

    2011/11/28 at 3:12 pm

    Funny! I thought you were having a conversation with Suri and those responses were a little scary. Whiskers…hmmm….never thought about what they might be for. Let’s see. Keeping things out of their nose similar to our eye lashes for our eyes? I know, that’s not it but just thought I’d give it a try.


  • alanmill

    2011/11/28 at 4:28 pm

    Of course cars have (had) curb feelers. Wikepedia has an entire article on them. I think they were eliminated when they put mirrors on the passenger side.

  • strawberrygoldie

    2011/11/28 at 4:35 pm

    My best friend from back in the day (I was 12) had a housekeeper/babysitter named Mary. She was large, and grouchy, and scary as hell. She had a navy blue ’79 Crown Vic with bodacious curb feelers all around. We delighted in the sheer terror of TWANNNNGING them until she burst out of the door heading straight for us with glowing eyes of red.

    Ah to be 12 again.

    Never in a million years…

  • cayayofm

    2011/11/28 at 6:43 pm

    This. Was. HILARIOUS!

  • fishsticked

    2011/11/28 at 7:35 pm

    You’re still hanging out with her?! Isn’t she, you know, immature?

    That’s what the internet tells me.

  • sunnyday04

    2011/11/28 at 9:08 pm

    Who in their right mind would let a dog live in the house and sleep on furniture!?


  • subjectivitis

    2011/11/28 at 11:05 pm

    I need a curb feeler.

  • RaineWalker

    2011/11/28 at 11:49 pm

    My basenji has those curb feelers. One set on each cheek and one set on his chin. Then I checked my shiba inu’s face and found he had the same three sets (just harder to find in the fur). Then I looked at my chihuahua and realized I have too many dogs.

  • girlplease

    2011/11/29 at 1:28 pm

    Curb feeler? Cami, obviously you’ve never had or seen a 1976-1985 American car in the ‘hood.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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