Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.


Back during the chaos of Christmas I got an appointment with yet another sports doctor. At this point my insurance company probably thinks I’ve got some kinky thing for sports doctors when the reality is I just like to hang and check out the patients. The muscular, athletic patients who probably never replace the toilet paper roll in their daily lives BUT THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM. I’m just sitting back, enjoying a living, breathing 2012 quarterback calendar.

This was by far the most detailed exam I’ve experienced since I incurred all these running injuries, and yes, that sounds dirty. But stop your mind from going down that drain, SON. My older child was in the room. In fact, she was sitting on the floor writing a book. Yeah, go back and read that sentence and then compare it with the fact that she chose to do that rather than bring a portable gaming system to keep her occupied. Those characters were not going to develop themselves, MOTHER.

This doctor had me perform several exercises in front of him, and then he inspected the alignment of my hips and spine. I balanced on my right foot, then my left, touched my nose with my index finger and then sang the national anthem in pig latin. Dude was thorough.

Turns out my right glute is not firing. Well, DUH. Blame those liberals and their gun laws!

He thinks this is the primary cause of all my injuries. The right side of my butt is so significantly weaker than the left side that my alignment is visibly disrupted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead. Make a joke about my butt. And I’ll laugh about it as soon as your mom stops texting me photos of her boobs.

Diagnosis: IT band syndrome, specifically where the IT band lines the outside of my knee. Could last another week. Could last indefinitely. In the meantime I’m supposed to seek physical therapy and cease all exercises that exacerbate the pain. Those include: running, spinning, walking, breathing, living. Also, no more hacky sack with the neighbor who grows weed.

(All of my neighbors just glanced around to see if anyone is looking.)

I continue to go to the gym, but gone is the endurance I spent two years developing. I don’t have to tell you how hard it is for me to heed his advice, to stick to really low impact exercises, and if I knew my trainer wouldn’t find out I’d go to spin class and just ignore the pain. Which is what got me into this mess in the first place, but since when have I ever made money off of writing about all my reasonable behavior?

  • Tatstar

    I saw most of these suggestions, so I’m just seconding the emotion.

    Been a runner for 6 years and suffered from IT band issues for the first 4. The foam roller kept me on my feet for most of that time. Roll in the morning, at night, before a run, after a run…and then ice your knee after a run for about 10 minutes. Avoid hills and don’t run fast when it’s acting up. My second follow up suggestion – go to minimalist shoes. I switched to the Vibram Bikilas last year and have not had ONE SINGLE INCIDENT since I started in them. It’s been the easiest running year of my life – much less rolling, no ice at all. I’m alternating now between the Bikilas and the NB M-10 trail shoe and it’s awesome. You have to start from scratch in them, you can’t run 10 miles right out of the gate, but if you are recovering from an injury, it’s a great time to start slow again.

  • cucinanicolina

    Oh, I am so with you. Am also dealing with a wicked ITB issue + other stuff and haven’t been running much in the past month … and I usually run 25+ miles a week! It is SO hard to rest when you don’t want to, but try to remember that your body needs this time to heal and it’s telling you something. Yes, your endurance may fade BUT you will get it back. You will you will you will. Better to rest now than force it and delay recovery. I know this is what ‘everyone’ says but speaking from experience … yeah, you want to let it heal. Muscle issues are so weird and nebulous and frustrating, but know that you’re not alone! Good luck — you’ll be back out there very soon.

  • cucinanicolina

    and also – I rec’ going to PT for exercise, but also looking for a PT/chiro who does active release therapy (ART) which, wow, hurts like hell but breaks up the scar tissue and loosens the muscles. Acupuncture helps, too, but ART is aggressive and, I think, works a lot faster.

  • tommykirchhoff
  • tommykirchhoff

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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