An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Pasty white Canadian farm boy comfort food

Saturday night I hosted house guests plus a couple of more friends for dinner. Well, let me back up a second. Pardon me if my brain seems addled, I’m a bit dehydrated from watering the bathroom floor with my eyes. If only it were covered with plants!

My friends Ryan and Cole from Florida and Maggie crashed here during Alt Summit.

Ryan is great friends with photographer Jason Hudson who also happens to be a fantastic cook. So we called him to tell let him know he’d be cooking dinner for six adults. I was like, listen. I don’t know you, but think fast, hon. If I write about this you will be judged, and considering what’s been said about me in the last week the Internet will hear about what you cooked and if they don’t like it they will accuse you of botoxing your entire face.


Ryan and I picked him up from his hotel and hit a grocery store to pick up ingredients. Problem is Ryan had his own ideas about what a good meal on a snowy Saturday night might look like, and Jason? Jason has his own ideas about everything. Including the idea that Ryan is always wrong.

The menu we showed up to shop for changed four times before they both agreed on pork roast, and as we were checking out Jason pulled me aside and asked if people ever recognize me around town. I said sometimes, usually after I’ve worked out and am looking like a herding dog who has rolled around in the snow, yes. And now that the local news has covered Recent Happenings, how scandalous is it that I’m grocery shopping with two strange men?

As a favor he snapped three times, waved his arm dramatically and pretended to faint. “Well, then,” he said. “Let me really gay it up for you.”

(Jason is gay so he is allowed to to gay it up. Don’t be mean to him. Also, he doesn’t botox anything. Except maybe his enemies.)


You guys would never believe the meal he put together. It was like a Thanksgiving feast just whipped out of thin air: pork roast with rosemary, a green bean salad, mashed potatoes, and apple chutney. A FEW THINGS: Ryan and Cole threw together a signature salad that trumps any salad I’ve ever eaten, so I have to give them credit for that part of the meal. I don’t want them to read this, see that I didn’t mention the salad, and then FedEx me the severed finger of one of my close relatives.

Also, I pitched in with the mashed potatoes, and when Jason glanced over and saw what I was doing he broke out into glorious song: “Salt salt, butter butter, salt salt, butter butter, salt salt, butter butter, salt salt, butter butter, AMERICAAAAAAAAA!” Because he’s Canadian and they are more civilized. I was like, I bet your nightly news starts with, “BREAKING: Local woman is rude to her neighbor.”

ALSO: Apple chutney? Who just whips up apple chutney? I mean, other than Gwyneth?

I may have referred to it as apple chutley all night but only because I want to live next door to a Chutley who shovels the snow in his bathrobe and slippers while holding an unlit cigar in his mouth.

A much needed good time, and I’m so lucky to know all these people. It feels really good to take photos again.

  • SurprisingWoman

    Fun is important. Glad you had fun and Yeah! for homemade food with friends and wine. 🙂

  • SurprisingWoman

    Holy cats! Never thought I would be first on Dooce. Figures it isn’t my best literary endeavor but I’m first so who cares.

    I hope your friends made time for Sundance while they were in town, if they like film. I volunteer but I don’t like going to movies so I always give away my volunteer vouchers. I’m odd but I support what I believe in the ways I can.

  • slappyintheface

    I am so glad that you had a great time … you needed a great time. Good people are good to have around …. now I just need to find me some.

  • laura.elaine

    love it all. and ryan didn’t even mention you in HIS post! i wish you could have seen my bulging eyes when i spotted him here. love all the photos, and glad you had such a fabulous time.

  • Doghouse Mama

    Looking forward to having a smile back on your (obviously botoxed) face.

  • papernapkin

    You’re just going to leave us hanging with no salad recipe?! Apparently you’re not aware of the vegetable deficit in my life!

  • SurprisingWoman

    Heather, I posted before that I had a leash moment in my life and I realized before that I had blogged about it. My blog is uber casual and I write the way I speak so not professional at all but sometimes it helps to see what others have experienced…

  • mybottlesup

    oh, this made me happy. i was hoping you would have a good weekend with good company. your photos are beautiful and warm. glad you are shooting again. (not heroin).

  • muttlery

    Gorgeous photos…can I ask what camera? Glad you had a good night! Xx

  • tokenblogger

    …may I come stay sometime? I’ll bring and/or make stuff, too.

  • Meauxzie

    That picture of you is gorgeous. Not bad for a woman who is leaving a trail of a 1,000 (x 1000) tears on her bathroom floor!

  • Maria E B

    You are just lovely.

  • Janice

    Sooooo glad you had a good weekend with friends.

    Did the freshly cut hair go into the chutley or the salad?

  • Boni

    Beautiful post and I’m sure they feel just as lucky to know you.

  • Mama Kat

    I’m suddenly overcome with the desire to invite gay men over and make out with fruit. I’m certain that was the take away here.

  • MelissaJ

    i’m so glad you had friends to hang with this weekend…i hope they appreciated the bathroom floors cleaned with tears. HA

    even though the pain shows, you are doing it!


  • filmlady

    I’m so glad you had this weekend with your friends. And the picture of you is beautiful.

    Would some great dog pictures help make your day? You might like these:
    Many hugs.

  • SMD

    Did Ryan and Cole make fart salad?

    It was the first Pacing the Panic Room post I ever read and, after laughing my ass off, I was hooked on them.

  • cassidy.stockton

    Yay! I’m so glad you got some good food, good company and good laughter in your belly this weekend!! Cheers to good friends, eh? (that’s for your Canadian BFF)

  • Schmutzie

    Yay, Ryan! I love that guy.

  • Kristin in KS

    There are no friends quite like gay male friends. I wouldn’t give mine up for anything in the world! Whenever I meet a gay man in our small-ish town for the first time, my husband marvels that I hadn’t met him before!

  • Willie1955

    I don’t usually leave comments on blogs I read. I guess I’m kind of a stalker. I’ve been reading you since before you had Leta. My heart hurts for you. I wish the best for you and your family. And if you could give Chuck a french kiss for me, I’ll owe you.


  • moblyana

    Oh such happy photos! Glad you are surrounding yourself with love and light 🙂 Oh, and Mormon tv can screw itself and then be ex-communicated (or whatever they do to those who masturbate).

  • PunkinP

    Well you had darned good company with Ryan and Cole and darned if I’m envious of Jason getting his hair cut by Cole. Ahh…if only…

    I want a new gay BFF. I miss mine. Glad you had a great time!

  • Gerberdaisy

    Oh GOB, this made me snort in a very un-lady-like fashion: “”Well, then,” he said. “Let me really gay it up for you.”

    Also, the pics are amazing!

    And Phyllis, I’ll second that!

  • KathyRo

    Botox in your lip? Ha ha ha — pul-eeze.
    Everybody knows Botox is for your ass.

    Glad to see you enjoying yourself! If only for a little while…the bathroom floor thanks you too.

  • tallnoe

    I love the fact that one of your awesome fun night scenes is of a friend getting a haircut… that makes me giggle. 😀

    Glad you enjoyed yourself. Food is one of the few reasons I’m SUPAH excited about going back to the USA.

  • solaana

    I’m sorry you’re going through this horrible time, but I’m glad you’ve got fabulous gays and girls and friends either way to make you apple chutley and fellate bananas to make you laugh. This is me, sending you good vibes from DC. Maybe I shouldn’t have dialed them up to 11 though…

  • inward facing girl

    I was lucky enough to be part of Jason’s photography design camp session. He is hilarious and I wish I could have him around all the time. Maybe someone will create a cloning shrink gun and I could have a pocket Jason. That would be awesome.

  • honeydunce

    perhaps a random comment but Heather–your hair looks absolutely lovely in that picture. I know that the in-between growing out process of hair can be awkward, but you do it so damn well!

  • Laura Jones

    Glad to hear you had a good day with friends.

  • ThePeanut

    Beautiful pictures. I hope this time with friends helped you to recharge.

  • kate_lucy

    That’s some seriously good energy in those photos! I hope it soaked into your soul!

  • tnzed

    Agh, I’m so jealous you got to hang out with Ryan and Cole. Pacing the Panic Room is the first blog I ever followed. And the more I read about Jason, the cooler he gets too. I’m so glad you had such great, fun company this weekend.

  • Plano Mom

    Hang in there. Sounds like that snorkel mask is still needed. It gets better, no matter how it goes.

  • kellytadlock

    The love and company of good friends is a wonderful thing!! Thank Gawd.

  • appelsauce

    I’m so happy to see you’re taking more pictures again! I love your photography, and if it helps YOU, then all the better!

  • jenwilson

    1. Your hair looks lovely. (Seriously.)
    2. The photo with the banana? Awesome.
    3. Canadians are pretty much the best sort of people ever.

  • Cosmo3807

    Heather, I hope you have someone in your life who isn’t always sucking up to you. I’m not talking about the haters who anonymously insult you. I mean someone whose opinion you value and who isn’t afraid to tell you the truth even when it hurts. I think that person might be Cammie, but of course that is just a guess since I’m just another person in the void that reads your blog. There are many, MANY things about you that I admire and respect but sometimes when I read the comments it just seems like everyone is kissing your butt when maybe what you really need someone to kick it instead. I’m just sayin’…and I hope you understand what I mean, ‘cos I am NOT a hater! I honestly care about you & wish you the best. (at the risk of sounding like I’m sucking up. hee!)

  • macahano

    Seriously, how awesome would have it been to have dinner with that group?! Btw, Heather you look great

  • NolaMomma

    I agree so much with what Cosmo3807 said. I do love to see you having a (much needed) great time with friends….but my fear of watching couples that are going through a trial separation kind of move on…just feels like another step away because you are being independent and feeling good and whatever problems you and Jon haven’t sorted out are getting moved to a place where it feels like it might not matter anymore….then you take a HUGE step back and think of Leta and Marlo and the time you two have put into building your family and just really evaluate if maybe you can change other aspects of your life without dissolving the marriage. Like maybe Jon could have a job outside of Armstrong Media and that one change could make a big difference. I know that you two have been in counseling and have put a lot of work in throughout the years….I have been going through the same thing with my soon-to-be 8 yr. marriage and finally we have had a shift in perception and things are better, things are good again. There was an article in Psychology Today about couples that have children from birth to 18 are the unhappiest while they are raising children, but couples that have grown children are HAPPIER than they were while raising kids (duh!), but more importantly happier than couples that never had children. The big payoff doesn’t come just yet (or so I’ve heard), and if you wait long enough to see how you two get along after the youngest is off to college or off on her own and re-evaluate….it might do amazing things for your children having had the luxury of living with both parents full-time during their childhood. Part of my rambling is reassuring myself that I’m doing the right thing b/c at times I have definitely felt like I was only doing this for my kids, but we were so stuck in our pattern of really focusing on the negative and not taking the time to appreciate what does work about us. It’s easy to romanticize how nice things would be if we didn’t have to work through our issues, but I don’t think it’s reality. It would feel weird to say I love you since you don’t know me, but I have been following your blog for about 6 years now and I cried when I found out you two were separated so I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care. Sending love, light and clarity. Well wishes for your family.

  • menopausalmama

    The pictures look great! Looks like you had a lot of fun, Heather–I think you truly needed that!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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