An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Welcome to Armstrong Inn, part two

Today I’d like to give you guys a peek at the unfurnished guest room and have a little fun while doing so. (FUN. WE NEED SOME FUN AROUND HERE. AND SOME HOT DOGS. Marlo! I’ve got an assignment for you!) You left so many helpful comments about what makes a home away from home for you: a functional alarm clock, power strips, an assortment of pillows, a stripper pole.

I like the idea of a little note next to the bed that gives a guest the password to the wireless connection and a gift certificate for free pole dancing lessons. You’d be like, gosh! They thought of EVERYTHING! And then you’d turn around and notice the hamster waiting for you in a cage on the dresser. His name is Stanley and you have to take him home with you.

Thank you again for those suggestions. We’re definitely incorporating many of them into the final room, but we’ll get to that later. First, let’s show you the canvas we’re working with. Many thanks to Jon for his technical and video skills and to Tyrant for being such a good sport.


This post is brought to you by IKEA and THIS IS THE OFFICIAL DISCLOSURE, WHAT UP, FTC!

  • Jodi

    I agree too. (And no, I’m not a hater or jealous.)

  • shelbyagw

    My 4 year old got such a kick out of this video. He loved Tyrant and giggled, “Why is he acting like a kid!?” Thanks for the laugh 🙂

  • KelseyO

    Wow….that was effin hilarious! Can i say effin? So i really hope i can be a guest, because it will be amazing that is for damn sure. I am 27 and a mother of two, im sure you can understand the need for a night away. Not from my kids, but from my husband maybe. 😉 Oh, and i would love for you to show me an amazing time at Ikea. Close or exactly like the one i just viewed. Thanks Kelsey.

  • Karyn

    once i rented a van to load up a bunch of ikea closets, back when i had a big house (remember what life was like before the recession?) and i couldn’t figure out how i was going to get them unloaded once i got home (i lived in a loft apartment and the parking garage was a few very long hallways down from my front door. so i popped one of those awesome blue handled carts that tyrant was playing on in my van. i don’t feel good admitting this, but man, what a great lot of fun it was zipping down those hallways. thanks, ikea.

  • AliciaMaria

    This might sound weird, but I LOVE YOUR VOICE! You have a great voice. Ikea is always a good time. Looking forward to seeing more! 😀

  • paminmi


    I’ve been reading here for nearly 10 years. I have to admit though, Churchmouse and Sweetpotatopie gave voice to some of the thoughts I’ve been thinking for some time. I understand things change, god knows I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago, but it’s just not for me anymore. Not saying I’ll never be back, but I need to take a break…

    Before I say anything that can be construed as hurtful I’ll leave with one last thought: money and material things don’t always buy the happiness we think they will (which is good for me to remember too). Sometimes simple is better.

    I sincerely wish you guys all the best, but most especially those two beautiful little girls of yours.


  • reflecting_ball

    Darling video! I love the part where you say “I know.”


  • Anoushka

    I thought of an addition for the spare room! A vide poche — literal translation: “empty your pockets” — basically a stylish little holder where guests can centralize their jewelry, coins, lint, lollipops (contents of pockets) during their stay.

  • MelissaInAz

    Yep, I’m afraid Churchmouse and Sweetpotatoe voiced my exact thoughts. I think I’m out. And judging by the amount of decline of comments on your posts over the last few months, I’m not the only one. Best of luck to you!

  • Lovebuzz38

    I miss the old dooce. I understand you are branching out, getting sponsors, making more money, traveling the world, etc., but I guess I just miss the posts where you talked about everyday life, sprinkled with your own special brand of humor. I hope you don’t feel like this post is trying to be hateful or hurtful. I’ve been reading you for 6 years, so obviously you are doing something right.

    I just miss the way we were. *snif*

  • Anita Scotch

    Did any of you assholes ever stop to consider that maybe Heather doesn’t post so much about her “daily life” anymore because it’s too fucking hard to write about?

    I think it’s fantastic that IKEA is sponsoring her new guest room and I know that myself, along with everyone else here, would have agreed to do it too! The fact that you are all sitting here judging that makes me sick. If you ask me, IKEA is brilliant to do this, because it’s an amazing advertising opportunity for them. Heather has a huge following and a very great style sense.

    I know you are all entitled to have your own opinions, but @churchmouse and everyone who agrees with you, I think your opinion fucking sucks.

    People change, and things evolve. I think is evolving for the better.

  • gcostaki

    I don’t know what churchmouse is trying to say. I’m totally loaded so all of this sounds normal to me.

    Also, I’m very attractive.


    @churchmouse said:

    “….. CANNOT RELATE to the ginormous house that looks like it came out of a magazine pictorial; the supermodel; the assistants and nannies and the trainers and the constant traveling here and there… I just can’t relate anymore.”

  • katliz

    Love the IKEA tie-in. It is such a natural fit, and I’m looking forward to getting some inspiration as my annual IKEA pilgrimage comes up here in a few months. (We could really use one here in Cleveland, if you’re listening, Swedish Powers That Be.)

    As for all of this left-field griping, I’m kind of at a loss. Reminds me of all of the people who whine when Facebook changes, threaten to quit, and then keep posting every little mundane aspect of their lives on it regardless. This site, like life, Children, evolves. And to say it’s in bad taste? Really? They’re going to forgo a long-inked business partnership that supports their family because readers don’t think it’s a good idea? Grow up, and be thankful you don’t have thousands of judgmental harpies commenting on how you do your job everyday. Sheesh.

  • The Girl Who

    What Anita Scotch said.

    What kind of loser douchebags sit around writing judgmental messages to a woman who is going through a separation and maybe divorce, a woman who’s obviously in a lot of pain?

    Seriously? You fucking assholes. How about a little compassion for someone who has worked her ass off to entertain your sorry ass for years? Is that so much to ask? No? You absolutely feel that you must judge her choices and her writing and every other little thing when YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about what’s going down? Heather MUST hear your shitty two cents, right? This is the internet and she posts public things so you are entitled to be a fucking asshole, right?

    Wrong. Just because this is the internet doesn’t mean you should say every jackass thing that comes to your stupid head. A little tact is in order. What Heather has done with this blog and for the genre in general should earn her a No More Shitty Comments Forever award so she never has to read another word from a bunch of internet pussies. Just because you can say something or have an opinion about something doesn’t mean you should, dickheads. A little tact is in order. You owe Heather that, AT LEAST.

    Heather, fuck ’em all, dude. I know you already know this and I can’t imagine having to constantly ignore assholes on such a large scale… but you can. Just picture them as they probably are: 800 pounds overweight maybe, 5 or 7 cats skulking around, or sadly surfing porn and your website from beneath the fluorescents that spotlight their dingy cubicles. Sorry to add to the chorus of bullshit, but it must be said.

  • lucyloo

    Am I the only one who sees the irony in that comment?

  • The Girl Who

    Irony for judging a bunch or judgers? For tactlessly calling out a bunch of tactless douchebags? Whatever. I don’t make bashing people who do their best to entertain me every day my business, so I don’t feel too bad about my words. And, quite honestly, I’m not interested in your two cents either. I’m interested in Heather seeing the comment and knowing there are legions of us out here who generally don’t make commenting on websites our business, but who still think she’s a funny, brilliant, creative person doing a hell of a job here on Dooce. I have a blog and am keenly aware of how each comment can deeply affect the blogger. The good and the bad. So if my comments help to counterbalance a couple idiots who commented before, fan-fucking-tastic.

  • lucyloo

    Ok, at least you see it too.

    BTW, I feel the same way about Heather’s writing, and I wasn’t planning to offer any number of cents about her personal life. Apparently, those that are doing so feel a strong connection to her, and many of their comments seem very well-intentioned (even in disagreement). If you’re really concerned about protecting people’s feelings, or maintaining consistency, you might take a minute to think before you unload on them like a sailor and then demand more tact.

    Anyway, no one wants to see us hijack the blog. I have no idea what’s going on with Heather and Jon these days, but I’m sure they’ll tell us what they want us to know whenever they’re ready. In the meantime, I still find her content hysterical and I will always support her.

    Tell you what, let’s both go buy some IKEA and call it square.

  • iliekcheeze

    I’d say the detractors had well balanced, cogent arguments for what they like and don’t like in this website/blog. The Girl Who sounds like a 14 year old angst riddled person who is trying to understand why other people don’t like the exact same things she likes.

  • Monkey

    Okay, I’m confused. So are they loser douchebags, fucking assholes, internet pussies, dickheads, or tactless douchebags? You really need to pick an insulting nickname and stick to it. *

    Sorry, couldn’t resist.

    *extra points if you caught the Weeds reference.

  • Linka72

    Those damn shopping carts at Ikea make my teeth itch..thank god they have those little rubber bumpers to section off the furniture and glassware areas..otherwise, it would get real ugly, real fast.
    Anywhooo..I can’t wait to see how you decorate the room.
    And in regards to the people that are leaving/hating…The Internet has taught me one thing: High School NEVER ENDS..sigh

  • Tobi D

    Yes, we’ve all got our opinion and is so nice to let us leave comments and express those opinions. I can see why some of the posters are defending Heather – I mean, they want to be her friend. They probably believe that she’ll fly them out to SLC and feature them in a blog post if they fight hard enough for her. I understand what it’s like to admire someone and stand up for them. But how can you read this post, then read Jon’s and still not think this is just awkward and inappropriate?? I don’t know the answer… I’m just throwing it out there. I will say this for Heather – a girl’s gotta do, what a girl’s gotta do.

  • southerngirl

    As a long-time reader I have to agree with churchmouse. And as to your response on the Awww, lookout Chuck photo, I have to say, “Right back ‘atcha”.

  • sherylwx4

    This blog is turning into a train wreck…. I am tempted to think many are sticking around to watch the spiral… I hope that doesn’t happen but after the new post ….

  • sherylwx4

    I do hope everything gets better Heather….

  • jodieyorg

    Man, I am conflicted.

    Having gone through a separation myself a couple of years ago…boy do I feel your pain. I remember waking up one day and knowing with certainty that things were untenable. And I remember feeling so angry that everyone (everyone!) was sure that I was ‘at fault’ because I’d requested the space for us to work on it.

    And I also believe emphatically that none of us here know what is going on. We can’t. Despite all of the many and private things you’ve shared for eleven years, we just can’t know it all.

    I think my personal reaction comes from the outcry (yours included) against what seem to be fairly calm and kind reactions to the changes in this blog. Not if you are a good person, a bad person, or in any way at fault for what is going on in the marriage.

    You run a business. Something you have talked about repeatedly. And just like any business you do have a brand and loyal customers. Those customers are allowed to give you their reaction to what you provide and if they believe those offerings are off the mark. Posting a photo calling them (and myself included I suppose now) jerks is akin to people calling you a bully when you tweeted about Maytag.

    Honestly the only difference is they had the good sense to try to repair their relationship with you.

  • nataliea

    Oh, okay, I get it, this is the part where you flame us for daring to have an opinion that may run contrary to yours, after putting your life out there for years for our perusal. Another ‘jerk’ signing off.
    Good luck with all that…

  • catherinetheblack

    This negative feedback is really weird to me. I’ve followed Dooce for many years – there are posts I like, love, don’t like, am indifferent to, and a million that make me laugh out loud. People who get all high & mighty and feel the need to be all “you’ve lost me”, and post such negativity need to check themselves. Wah, poor you, your favorite blog just changed in a direction you don’t like.
    You don’t like where this Blog is going?
    GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. This is entertainment! This is not your round table therapy session, this is not an extension of your life, She is not blogging for YOU PERSONALLY. Dooce is sharing, and we’re getting entertained. She’s making more money, making new friends, and becoming more successful – THAT IS HER LIFE NOW, and she’s going to write about it because THAT IS WHAT SHE DOES. When you got a better job did you not buy a new pair of shoes, or car, or go on a trip? You never make new friends, discover new things, have new experiences and learn from them? You just stay the same do you? Should she just stay the same because you want her to?
    Times change, people change. Stop bitching at her and go do something useful with your new free time.

  • jenimok

    I’m not going anywhere. This is Heather’s life, and it’s exactly what I want to see and read when I come to this blog. Yes, it has changed quite a bit since I started reading it four years ago. If it hadn’t changed I would probably have moved on because I would have been bored of the same thing over and over. Heather is no different from the rest of us, she just chose to share her life, while most of us make our (perceived) mistakes in private.

    I think Chuck with the “Jerk” blocks on his head is actually classic Heather. Old school Dooce, if you will. I love it.

  • sherylwx4

    catherinetheblack- I think the poinbt of sharing someones opinion is because we DO relise this is her mode of financial security and any business requires feedback- good and bad to keep going sucessfully. Yes, she writes about her life, but if she is writing things people are skipping or leaving because of she SHOULD know why- so that she can take that into consideration. Because again, this is the way she makes money and if people stop coming she stops making money. Yes, we’d all like tho think she just writes effortlessly about her daily life but pa-lese- if it wasn’t getting high rankings and high clicks on the ads she wouldn’t be writing about it…

  • Tfer

    I’m going to skip all the over-dramatic commenters just to say how much I envy you because there is no IKEA at my stinky country!!!

    The video was very fun. I’m grateful that you’re still posting even with everything is going on in your life. I don’t care if it’s an sponsored post, or if it’s dramatic, or sad, or makes us get worried, or if you make us laugh, if it’s about Cami, or pictures of your dogs or the girls, or the sky at the airport.

    I send tons of light for you, your kids, your dogs and of course for Jon too.

  • Elle

    I just feel sadness that you all are hurting, and I hope that resolves itself as quickly as humanely possible. It’s hard to not form opinions, it’s decidedly easier not to share them, how about a hug and a shot! However, when I read both blogs and surmise my feelings about the last 11 years, I hope that you stop hurting soon. Sure, I hope that’s together, that’s my knee jerk reaction. Mostly, I just hope you don’t hurt.

    And I’m really looking forward to the finished product. I try to avoid Ikea these days, except for the meatballs and free kid meals…and wine while shopping. A guest room seems like the ideal place to introduce Allan Keys and cursing. Our guest room also doubles as my husband’s (once a week used) home office. I wish Ikea did Murphy beds!

    We have two routers, one for us, one for guests. The amount of Wifi devices that surface in the house, especially when guests are here is a bit ridiculous.

    You’ll figure this one out, Heather. I’m rooting for you. I’m also a jerk, who isn’t?

  • k8y

    I haven’t commented in a long, long time. Not because you lost my interest, because like so many on the internet, I don’t always feel a need to weigh in, especially when I see debates being so … silly.

    Heather, do what you need to do. I know you will, and you already are. I’m here. I’ve not been following you for 8 years, or 11 years, I’ve been here about 4; I discovered you when I was on maternity leave with my kiddo, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

    When I read about your separation, I was shocked and sad for you, for your family. I know you and Jon are working it out, to whatever end will work for you. That’s all I need to know.

    Call me naive, but when I read Part I and then Part II of this series, my first reaction wasn’t to gasp and then say, “Oh, poor Jon”… it was to think, “Oh, good. Heather’s got a much-needed distraction from the heartbreak.” And, as Jon’s corresponding post states, he had a role in this, too, one he’s pretty happy with. I wish someone would sponsor some of my domestic decorating needs, but I have exactly 5 followers on my blog, and 3 of them are family. 😉 I relish other folks’ blessings. I’m looking forward to Part III, even if others won’t be around to see what happens.

    It’s your blog, and you’ve already learned over the last decade about detractors. I’m sure you’ve found a way to separate a bit, it’s the readers that need to let go, a bit. We get a snapshot of your life, but we’re not IN your life. Those spots are reserved for family and friends (like Cami)… Hang in there, Heather, don’t worry about the haters.

    Oh, and as far as the “Jerk” post? I laughed. So. Hard. What does that make me? 😉

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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