This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Hair, day forty-six

Welcome, rubberneckers, to the egomaniacal, narcissistic, bipolar meltdown you have been promised would happen by the hate sites! (It’s too bad they aren’t on my payroll, because HOO, the pageviews) To tell you the truth, even I can’t wait to watch this train wreck happen because when my brain explodes all those Skittles in there are going to scatter everywhere. A RAINBOW!

(I know, another post that was supposed to be about my hair that has nothing to do with my hair. I can’t even keep my posts straight. Yet another sign that I’m losing my mind. Someone please step in and get me some help! I NEED BETTER HANDLERS.)

What should I do first? Shed my clothes and run nude through Temple Square? Maybe have an argument in public with an imaginary friend? While wearing a giant bird costume and waving a vibrator?

The level of my fame is so minuscule in comparison to actual celebrity, but that does not make it any less strange to read the words of strangers who are publicly delighting in my pain, strangers who are actively rooting for me to break down. I’ve known to avoid reading it, but then the amount of it became so abundant that it bubbled up and spilled over into my lap, and wow. There it was. I politely wiped it to the side, but then another wave hit. And in the middle of that next dump someone said that they were going to make an anonymous call to try and get my kids taken out of my custody.

I hate to disappoint some of you, but that meltdown isn’t going to happen. I’ve been seeing a therapist pretty regularly since Leta was born, and yesterday she told me that I didn’t need to come back, that the work she’s been trying to get me to do for eight years is done. In fact, I had a pretty big breakthrough about a month ago, so big that after I left she did a tap dance in her office. I asked her to recreate that moment so that I could take video of it and post it here, but she’s a lot like my mom and enjoys flipping me the bird.

At the core of the work that I have been doing is letting go of the fear of standing up for myself. That probably seems asinine because my writing can be abrasive and polarizing, and how can a woman with a mouth as dirty as mine have any trouble standing up for herself? Well, a lot of trouble, actually. Especially in person. And any time I’ve attempted to do so online I’m labeled a bully or a delicate flower or lectured on the reasons I should ignore it.

The fact is that I do ignore almost all of it. It’s a relentless stream that rolls through my email and across twitter and in and out of other websites. But this morning I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I caught the edge of another wave, and I thought, what the hell am I afraid of?

And you know what? Not a goddamned thing. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. People will use the fact that I am saying this as proof that I’m having a meltdown, and those people can go fuck themselves, too. Because when my therapist reads this she is going to get up and do the moonwalk behind her desk.

(If you even try to leave a mean comment I will delete your ass.)

  • KarenN

    Good for you – that is beyond awesome!

  • salvationamy

    Nice! Really proud for you.

  • MaLo

    That’s right, girl! Love it!

  • frozensnowgirl

    Woohoo!! Graduating from therapy is a big effing deal, well done.

    Screw the haters; if it weren’t for the warm, cozy, anonymous blanket that is the interwebs, they would have nothing to do all day, since they would never have the balls to say that shit to your face.

    Come to Alaska and visit us up here! It’s so cold, you almost forget you have problems. Well, that’s not true, but we have lots of bars.

  • bradleytee

    Comment 20 said: “You should make Dooce bookmarks so all the haters can use them in their journals that they write in about how life isn’t fair and everyone is so mean to them especially that one girl.”

    I will gladly make you a bookmark, I mean mass produce them…for retail, that you can sell and make money off of…a Dooce bookmark that is just a big middle finger. That would be awesome and so totally useful…even for those of us who don’t read as much as we should to require us to actually OWN a bookmark. We could also sell an accessory that could have a little suction cup with a spring that you could attach your bookmark to and hang in the window of your car, to give a bit of animation to the bird riding shotgun in your window. Dooce could speak by proxy(s) to the world.

    Just a thought.

  • peacegirl

    Oh, hell yes. I would have liked to see an air pistol in that image. Or maybe your arms in front of your chest, one hand under your chin as if contemplatin’ some ass kickin’, eyebrow arched.

  • malisams

    What the shit is wrong with people? It’s sad to think of people so very unhappy with themselves and their lot that it actually makes them feel better to take big, mean dumps on someone already neck-deep in steaming life feces.

    Fuck them, indeed. Those who love you far outnumber those who don’t. Remember that, and pity them (if you even give them a second thought).

    CARRY ON, LADY. <3

  • cablearms

    There YOU are — I’ve missed you!!! Fuck all of them!

  • pvhobart

    By your side. Sending energy and strength.

  • juliejackson

    Put them all in your driveway and borrow a Hummer to run over their asses! I feel the need to stitch “Go Fuck Yourselves” for you. Haters gonna hate — maybe it’s time for Monetize The Hate II?

  • Jutenhoop

    You go girl! So PROUD of you! xxoo

  • mamazons

    Fist pump
    Belly bump
    High five
    Hand jive
    Middle finger
    Let it linger!

  • Funnygirl78

    I have so much love for this post. And for your copious use of the expletive FUCK. Yay.

  • hybridshadow

    Way to go, Heather! I am so happy for you and for your strength. For every idiot out there who feels the need to knock you down, you have 10 more who are ready to have your back. Keep hanging in there, Heather. You are amazing. I’m also so happy for what your therapist said, although I hope you don’t miss her too much.

  • alimaful

    Just wanted to stop by and leave some love…you are such an amazing, strong woman!!! Love to all of you!

  • beattiestudios

    I love you and your bravery!!!!! I am doing the moonwalk too and giving all those haters the bird!!!

  • mrs_black

    YES! You are awesome, Heather. Keep standing strong.

  • JessicaM

    Ha – I was going to say that you should resurrect the “Monetize the Hate” site again, too.

    That was some entertaining reading.

    Also: you’re doing better with the hair growing out than I would be. I’ve never allowed a layer shorter than chin length specifically because when I want to “grow out my layers,” what I always end up doing is just have them give me a chin length bob.

  • etandsarah

    I’ve been trying to spend more time parenting and less time surfing, so I just last week caught up with what was happening with you. It was shocking – and I just cannot believe that people have been cruel and heartless to you. You are strong. You are brave. You are important. Yes, I’m paraphrasing The Help – but the message is so good! Keep that beautiful chin up!!

  • lindzgrl

    I’ve been reading this site for years and rarely comment. I just want to say that I think you’re an incredibly talented and intelligent person, which can make a lot of people jealous and, thus, cause them to lash out. And the second life sends you on a stumble, they attack. Eventually you’ll find your footing again, and you’ll be able to look back and see all you’ve overcome. All the haters will be able to look back and see is their own bitter pettiness.

  • cck

    You go, girl.

    I realize that’s absolutely ridiculous to say, but it’s exactly what came to mind. You go!

  • Shoeladee

    Heather. Tough times only show us what we are really made of. I do love & appreciate all of the cute comments that your readers have left for you, but seriously want you to know that I think of you often (and your two babies) and I hope that you continue to get stronger each day! Don’t worry too much about any tears you may shed. As my sweet and very smart boss always says…. “don’t mistake my tears for weakness, they are actually a sign of just how strong I am!” Much love to you and Leta & Marlo!!

  • marymcginty

    some people are just incapable of being happy for other people’s success no matter how big or small. To kick someone when they are down comes from the lowest of the low. Good luck to you and im sorry that you have this extra crap on top of everything else, it’s undeserved whether you’re a “public figure” or not

    SOME PEOPLE JUST SUCK

    HAVE A NICE DAY

  • zlionsfan

    Good for you! Mean people can eat it.

  • melbourne dreaming

    THIS is why I started reading Dooce in the first place, a million years ago. You are the person who inspired me to start blogging.

    I must admit I get a little tired of the ‘lifestyle’ posts, but when you reveal your struggle and talk about your ACTUAL real life and emotions? THAT is when I am drawn back straight back in to caring about you and feeling something (other than envy of how great your house/clothes/kids/dogs are). When I read of your and Jon’s separation, I felt devastated – a complete stranger on the opposite side of the world to me. That’s the power of your blog.

    I’m sorry you are going through such a rough time, but I am thrilled that you have reached the break-through point where you can say ‘I’m not afraid of you, haters’, and mean it.

    You rock.

  • mjreinsel

    This reminds me of (a much more personal and hurtful version of a) sports game, when some unsportsmanlike jerks taunt and trash talk the classy team that is going to beat their asses. You win every day that you don’t cave to them. You win every day that you wake up and get dressed and hug your kids. You win because you are a rockstar and an inspiration to so many of us.

    Keep your chin up, lovely. You’ll get through this. Life only moves in one direction.

  • cassidy.stockton

    I don’t give a flying fuck what they say- you are awesome. What you’re going through isn’t easy and not many people have to do it in the spotlight. From our perspective, and based on the tons of comments ahead of me, I’m not alone in saying this, you’re doing remarkably well and are still an inspiration to so many of us. You inspire us to stand up for ourselves and laugh at life’s mishaps. I just wish I could hug you and share a drink with you and tell you it’s all going to be ok. Somehow, it always is.

  • NoodleLiz

    You freakin go, girl! SO thrilled to hear that you’ve broken through that wall. Hell yes you can stand up for yourself. Those who root against you and take the time to publically sling the mud are insecure, envious bitches who aren’t worth your time. And we all know that. People who just can’t relate or just aren’t interested anymore simply fade away unnoticed. Those vomiting vitriolic spew are personally invested, and not in a healthy way. Maybe your shrink would be willing to offer them a group rate.

  • tallnoe

    Man. Why are people so mean?

    YOU ROCK! I’m with @sunnyhunt! Ha.

    And I wish I had your hair. Mine’s come up with this stupid girl, and my cowlicks aren’t helping.

  • lizykat

    YOU *GO*. I love how your voice got stronger with more conviction and power as this post progressed. just wanted to post one more of the many positives you will see.

  • Trasherati

    And THAT is what we are talkin’ about.
    Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke. Or if they can’t process real life, either.

    There are so many people behind you, who realize that we are all a little bit broken. And that’s perfectly f’in’ okay.

  • JuliaMJM

    I’ve been following you for the past 6 months or so, and you are one brave woman is all I can say. Related to your last post, from what you say, facing all those hateful people posting comments may be your mandate at this time, and I commend you, but if you need a break, why not shut off comments for awhile? Give yourself a break to go inward a bit, and take care of yourself. Stop the onslaught for awhile. You know that your supporters are behind you, so you don’t need our words of support. If you do, well you know what’s best then

    I’ve come to care for you, and wish you all the best.

  • Beverly0903

    Very proud of you…..and am doing my happy dance!!!
    Love from Memphis town!

  • quiet june

    You are utterly fabulous and inspiring. That’s all there is to it.

  • jilllovesbacon

    THIS. This is what I’ve been waiting and hoping to happen. The sadness here lately has been killing me (given my own crap going on, it was difficult to read about yours) and this is EXACTLY the boost I was hoping for! It’s weird, wishing so hard for a stranger to please, please, please find strength and happiness, yet somehow you’re not at all a stranger. I simply adore you.

    The fuckers can go jump off a high bridge into a frozen lake.

  • catalinatuvecina

    The most pathetic thing about the hate-mongers is that they spend so much of their valuable energy being jealous and overly critical of others that they have no life left to live. Sad, really.

    I think the posts titled “Hair, Day XXX” are absolutely perfect for talking about whatever is under your hair at the moment. In fact, it would be a great book title. Or at least worthy of a masthead.

    Rock on. Your turn to tap dance.

  • JulieG

    Heather, I love love love you, and good for you for standing up for yourself! You are brave and strong and smart and you can handle everything the world will throw at you today. And just speak up whenever you’re doubting that, because we’ll all be happy to tell you so again and again.

  • LinKelley

    I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
    With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
    It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
    Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
    And how in the world can the words that I said
    Send somebody so over the edge
    That they’d write me a letter
    Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
    Or my life will be over

    http://youtu.be/c0kFNGNiAs4

    This song seems to apply somehow to all the bullshit you have to hear about and read.

    Don’t forget to breathe.

  • alto girl

    Fuck ’em all, Heather! You’re amazing and resilient!

  • BarefootCajun

    Fuck ’em all! So proud of you, Heather, for standing up for yourself. But do try to ignore all of that bullshit. These are the folks that are jealous of you, as crazy as that may sound. Keep facing forward and fight for yourself and your family.

  • ChickWhitt

    Yeah you do!

    Girl power!

    YOu go girl!

  • massbarb

    Go, Heather, go! You are the *valedictorian* of awesomeness.

  • Suz.

    My dearest Heather –

    I know.

    I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

    I KNOW.

    As someone who is going through some amazingly similar, life-challenging experiences right now; from a fellow cancerian July 19ther, one year your senior; whose POV has always resonated with yours like a never-ending symphony of typanies…

    Fuck them. Be brave. And keep on keeping on. You’ll find your way.

  • Elizabeth_L

    Doesn’t the day you finally stand up and say what you really feel or really need feel good? Why does it take some of us so long to learn that in our lives?

    And seriously – there are actually people that are rooting for other people’s marriages to fail, or mental health to fail or conniving to somehow harm their kids? I really cannot fathom that.

    I still am taken aback when I realize there are people in the world that are so insecure in their own selves or jealous of the things they perceive others to have that they gain some sort of pleasure from or try to create negative events in others lives. I mean in the last 4 years I have been laid off, endured 13 months of unemployment, found a job at 50% of my old income so I live paycheck to paycheck and no longer save for my future, my home is underwater, found out I have a chronic disease and a relationship ended leaving me single and childless at 40 – are there days I think – really, couldn’t my life be easier? wouldn’t it be nice if I had this or I had that, but I have yet to project those hard times on others and wish for their demise. People just make me sad.

    Sorry – got a little carried away 🙂 Keep on kicking ass and doing what is right for you and your family!

  • floridagal73

    Fuck ’em! I find it interesting that people have anything to say about anyone, much less to criticize or to wish harm on a person they’ve never met. But who cares, right?! Fuck ’em!

    Ok, there, I got to use the “f” word online. 🙂

    Hang in there sister. The rest of us who love you are still here and holding on strong. Keep standing up for yourself.

    Cheers!

  • The Girl Who

    Fuck. Those. Creepy. No Life-Having. Bitches.

    ***Me MOONWALKING out of here***

  • Chabbydubbe

    you are amazing, Heather. i know you hear this a lot, but you have no idea how much your writing has influenced me. i am also an ex-mormon and ex-BYU student and suffered from crippling PPD after my first was born. that was when i discovered your blog 3 years ago and spent night after night after my babe went to sleep reading your posts from the very beginning. that was my favorite time of day and was the only time i felt like someone else had been where i was. there are so many vicious and nasty people in this world and most of them like to hide behind a computer. i’m so sorry people are being so awful to you, especially after how much work and effort you have put into your blog and to all of your humanitarian work. it is apparent to anyone who may stumble across your site (or your amazing book ‘it sucked and then i cried…’ which has a permanent home on my bedside table ) that you are a truly self-less and lovely person and a wonderful mother. fuck the haters. you rock.

  • jenwilson

    Where the hell did I put my TEAM HEATHER t-shirt? Damn.

    ps. That thing about Leta’s homework and writing that you were proud of her? So freaking rad. One of those parenting moments you never forget.

  • Cas418

    You know what I have read your site since you pregnant and eating doritos. I have laughed with you, cried with you, and now I stand and say fuck them with you. I am so proud of you Heather. I am flipping them the bird right now in your honor!!

  • nordcq

    SAH-WEEEEET!