Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Hair, day forty-six

Welcome, rubberneckers, to the egomaniacal, narcissistic, bipolar meltdown you have been promised would happen by the hate sites! (It’s too bad they aren’t on my payroll, because HOO, the pageviews) To tell you the truth, even I can’t wait to watch this train wreck happen because when my brain explodes all those Skittles in there are going to scatter everywhere. A RAINBOW!

(I know, another post that was supposed to be about my hair that has nothing to do with my hair. I can’t even keep my posts straight. Yet another sign that I’m losing my mind. Someone please step in and get me some help! I NEED BETTER HANDLERS.)

What should I do first? Shed my clothes and run nude through Temple Square? Maybe have an argument in public with an imaginary friend? While wearing a giant bird costume and waving a vibrator?

The level of my fame is so minuscule in comparison to actual celebrity, but that does not make it any less strange to read the words of strangers who are publicly delighting in my pain, strangers who are actively rooting for me to break down. I’ve known to avoid reading it, but then the amount of it became so abundant that it bubbled up and spilled over into my lap, and wow. There it was. I politely wiped it to the side, but then another wave hit. And in the middle of that next dump someone said that they were going to make an anonymous call to try and get my kids taken out of my custody.

I hate to disappoint some of you, but that meltdown isn’t going to happen. I’ve been seeing a therapist pretty regularly since Leta was born, and yesterday she told me that I didn’t need to come back, that the work she’s been trying to get me to do for eight years is done. In fact, I had a pretty big breakthrough about a month ago, so big that after I left she did a tap dance in her office. I asked her to recreate that moment so that I could take video of it and post it here, but she’s a lot like my mom and enjoys flipping me the bird.

At the core of the work that I have been doing is letting go of the fear of standing up for myself. That probably seems asinine because my writing can be abrasive and polarizing, and how can a woman with a mouth as dirty as mine have any trouble standing up for herself? Well, a lot of trouble, actually. Especially in person. And any time I’ve attempted to do so online I’m labeled a bully or a delicate flower or lectured on the reasons I should ignore it.

The fact is that I do ignore almost all of it. It’s a relentless stream that rolls through my email and across twitter and in and out of other websites. But this morning I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I caught the edge of another wave, and I thought, what the hell am I afraid of?

And you know what? Not a goddamned thing. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. People will use the fact that I am saying this as proof that I’m having a meltdown, and those people can go fuck themselves, too. Because when my therapist reads this she is going to get up and do the moonwalk behind her desk.

(If you even try to leave a mean comment I will delete your ass.)

  • kellytadlock

    Bad. Ass.

  • aingman

    Yeah!!! Good for you!

  • SushiForBaby

    Oh, and I forgot to mention.

    You look fucking HOT in this picture. Sexy AND unwilling to take shit from anyone.

    Fucking HOT.

  • Loakalina

    *High Fives*

  • Laura Jones

    Well the breakthrough didn’t change your blogging voice so who-hoo for me. I enjoy the entertainment and don’t read the other sites because I’m not really interested in their opinion. I only just started reading Jon’s site to hear his side of the story. The romantic in me wishes this news coincided with you the two of you getting back together, sigh. I’m glad you’re on top of the world and still sassy. It will give your daughters a good role model.

  • meanderwithme

    Fuck ’em. Recognizing your own issues and working through them is more brave than pretending you don’t have any. You rock.

  • MemphisLiz

    Whoop whoop whoop hey hey hey that’s the MEMPHIS talking!

  • bangedout32

    You’re awesome. I gave up swearing for lent, but I think this calls for a big FUCK YEAH.

  • Aunt Tasty

    Yup-yup! You actually are ahead of the curve, hotstuff — many never get it, and many of us didn’t get that brave until we were 40.

    YES! Rock ON. And, also yes, they can fuck ALL THE WAY off.

  • Meranath

    “While wearing a giant bird costume and waving a vibrator?”

    Do it! I’ll pay to see it! MOST AWESOME FUNDRAISER EVER.

  • kj82898

    REALLY??? It’s sad someone would waste the time, energy and space to write negative things about a situation that has no affect on them. Stay away from those sites! It’s bad energy. They are goin down one way or another and you and your family will rise above it all.

    We gotcha back sista!

  • MadelaK

    I think you’re amazing and it’s unbelievable to me that you’re able to share what you’re going through with the world. So fuck them indeed.

  • signot

    I have never loved you more 🙂

  • starrashton

    High five sister! I love ya! F em all.

  • biokitty78

    So happy to see your eyes looking so much brighter! In your last “hair update” photo your eyes broke my heart. Because your eyes can’t hide what is inside of you, and if those peeps had a brain they could see how strong you are just from looking at this picture. No words needed.

  • annebrev

    I am very sorry to hear about the waves of vile stupidity breaking all over you. I will never truly understand why people think it’s ok to behave that way.

    I experienced I minuscule version of this awhile back, in the comments section of a newspaper article about your current situation (a Salt Lake City paper, I believe) when I had the temerity to defend you against a bunch of cruel, asinine remarks. I was attacked for doing so – and it bothered me more than I ever thought it would. I wish you strength and the power of knowing that you are loved in the face of so much ugliness. You certainly do not deserve it.

    All the best to you and your family.

  • Meauxzie

    If this were the 90s, I’d say, “You go girl.” But, I’ll say the more updated version: “F*ck yeah!” Your hair looks awesome as does your future. The key to weathering these life events is to surf the wave and try to let the emotion go – pretend you’re a bystander to someone elses life: what would you tell them to do? There will come a time where the future you envision for yourself is your reality. Not to get too Eckert Tolle-y on your ass, but try to keep “the thinker” (hey Judgey McJudgeowitz, aka “my brain”) at bay and just go with it. Okay, enough pop psychology for one sitting. Get down with your cute hair and just know that what Dan Savage says is true: it gets better.

  • Suz_and_EE

    And that is why you totally fucking rock Heather! I’m sending along with some good juju a big fist bump.

    Keep your head up….women carry the weight of this world on their shoulder.

    By the way, I’m doing a virtual moonwalk for you 🙂

  • cpchrisman

    Screw all those people…You just keep on keeping on, loving those kids, negotiating the best you can with Jon and keep writing! WE love you!

  • jessiCat

    High Five, Girlfriend!!!!!!! (yes, that high five deserved all those exclamation points!)

    Proud of you, and glad to see that sparkle coming back to your face. Fuck the heartless haters. We’re rooting you on from all over the place!

    Hugs & Smiles!!!!

  • Sabine

    Reading this makes me want to listen to the fourth song down:*ck-em-all/id266940151?i=266940463

    (Ignore the first half of the song, very loudly bellow the second.)

  • kjmacgibb


    You should start donating income from their traffic to an anti-bullying charity.

    If they were smart they would be silent, this is only making you more popular, but you can’t fix stupid!

  • KathyB

    Congratulations, Heather. Might be your best graduation day ever, you know except for lack of party and celebration. But, proud for you.

    I’m always friendlier and more open from a distance. Hey, you included a hair pic, premise met:)

    I comment so rarely that I am always happy when my password still works. Check in often though.

  • evesuzanne

    Hooray for you! Good luck with the hair. Give Chuck a hug for me. I love that dog.

  • Dawn

    Heather, I have only been a Dooce reader for a few years so I am really at a loss as to why so many people across the Internet dislike you. What I have read here shows me a real, living, breathing adult who owns her behavior. There’s no smugness about you. You share painful private things without turning it in to a sideshow. I hope that the pain your family is going through now is as short lived as possible and that when you all emerge on the other side it’s a beautiful day. Your writing makes me laugh all the time. Thank you.

  • painterdoll

    Standing up for yourself is beautiful, Heather! So happy for you that you’ve made so many breakthroughs. You are a beautiful, vibrant, wonderful person and all the haters are just jealous that they can’t have what you have!

  • Janbo


    Let them all take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

    You rock. Hard.

  • Amy P

    I’ve never commented here before, mostly because who am I to have an opinion on your life? But after reading all of the crappy things people say and do, I thought I’d better go get myself a user id so I could stop by from time to time to let you know that I think you are awesome. And I’m sad to read about your sadness. And encouraged and inspired by your strength.

  • Sara Carling

    Love you Heather. I have been reading your blog for years. I’m terribly sorry for what you’re going through. Ignore all the crap that’s being said about you. You have no control over their ignorance & self loathing. Mean spirited people want to bring everyone down with them. But what you put out there comes right back to you. Imagine how awful their lives must be.

    I went through an ugly divorce 3 years ago, and while I know you’re not yet sure where you’re headed, I will say that everything will work out. A year from now you’ll look back and be amazed at how much you’ve grown. And how life is good. Different, but good.

    Keep kicking ass & being unapologetically honest.

  • mdavis79

    I want to high five you and give you a hug and buy you a bourbon, in that order, but in the absence of those, a resounding HELL YES! will have to suffice. Your hair looks fucking fantastic, btw.

  • Kbee


    I can’t imagine you’re reading all the way to the bottom of 280-some comments, but I just had to say: Who the hell are these terrible people? What is wrong with them, thinking someone else’s pain is hilarious or even any of their business?

    I’m glad you are finding the strength to stand up to it more often. It is always frustrating to hear people tear down someone who is writing honestly about her feelings. I only recently realized that these people do so because they lack both the courage and the intellectual ability to examine their own lives honestly.

    So take heart in the fact that there are normal, compassionate people out there who wish you and your children well.

  • LittleWeeOne

    Doing a virtual tequila shot in your honor.

  • fabnelly

    Congratulations on standing up for yourself and telling the bullies where they can go! You are a strong and amazing person.

  • fizzlesnit

    You go with your bad, getting-it-together self! And your hair is looking all edgy and fantastic. Two wins in one post!

  • sarahfromthenorth

    Amen, Sista!

    (and you’re correct I would have never imagined, having read your blog for over 8 years, that you wouldn’t stand up for yourself, but sure am glad to here you’re learning to!)

    I sure would be glad to hear of you getting back together with Jon though, I have a feeling you would both be better together than apart. And I know for fact that your kids would be better off. BTW .. do you watch Private Practice? Lot’s in there that’s paralleling your life right now. Well, except for the lesbian couple having twins.

  • kara_v

    I’ve been reading for a long time and literally never taken the time to comment. Today, I took the time to create an account specifically so I could make a comment.

    And I must say, DAAAAAAAANG! Good for you. Haters will always be haters. Forget them and just do you.

    Hope things start looking up soon.

  • Angelamermaid

    I signed up for an account just to tell you how full of awesome this post is. Fuck the haters. I appreciate that you’ve always been honest about how imperfect you are and I am inspired by how you forge ahead anyways.

  • Hollywould51

    Good for you, I am the same way and admire you I hope I can work on this myself and stop letting people use and abuse me and just basically saying pls. sir can I have some more? Keep up the good work and I hope I can someday say that sentence to some of the people who have done me wrong in the past and whom i’ve never stuck up for myself to.

  • mama without instructions

    fuck them all, indeed! i rarely comment but i simply can’t believe/fathom/stand the nasty bullshit hate that people spew online and rooting for someone to fall apart is unconscionable. i’m glad you are feeling powerful and standing up for yourself. take care and don’t be afraid to show your power!

  • tinahignite

    In all the years that I’ve been reading your blog, I have never felt compelled to leave a comment, until now. I just want you to know that I’m proud of you.

  • sasssykat

    To hell with the haters Heather! Keep on rocking in the free world lady!

  • Tara Boom

    That’s a huge step and I’m so proud of you. When you’re unsure of what to do, just think of the advice you’d give Leta or Marlo if they were in the same situation and take then act accordingly.

    “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
    ~The Buddha

  • katiemaedays


  • Brittanysco

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few months and I didn’t have an account yet. However, after reading this post, I simply had to get one so that I could say FUCK YES, YOU GO GIRL. You are a bad ass and an inspiration. LAWD YES! I can’t believe that people would say mean things about you, but unfortunately the nature of the internet lends itself to being a safe place for spineless bullies. Well, it’s also a place for awesome people to get together and soak up each other’s awesomeness. So the bullies can suck it!

  • Cosmo3807

    Just wanted to add my high-five to the rest of ’em! Yay Heather!

  • Kristyne

    I heart you! I’m normally afraid of people who are as … how did you put it? … abrasive, polarizing and dirty-mouthed as you. I’m normally a chicken in real life. And I’d rather die than risk any sort of confrontation. But I’ve let my fear of other people get in my way for waaaaaay to long now. Like you, I’ve had a recent breakthrough in this department. Know what? Not only did the earth NOT swallow me whole, but I’m enjoying an unexpected sense of confidence, pride and freedom. I get it.

    No one puts Baby in the corner!!! LOL!

    (What? Too corny?)

    Keep that razor sharp chin “that can slice meat” up. Kay?

  • bunny

    I have read you for ages, ever since someone on Metafilter linked to you getting, um, dooced.

    I have pulled for you as you fought your personal demons…I have enjoyed seeing pics of your precious daughters and your hilarious dogs.

    But, as someone who made a fool of herself online a decade ago while in the grip of some contrary brain chemicals, please don’t take this as a dis:

    You need to step back a bit. This is your business, this is how you put food on the table, take care of your children, but most of all, this is a very very VERY public platform in a media that never forgets.

    Yep. The internet never forgets.

    I don’t know you, all I know is what you and Jon post about your lives. But reading between the lines and with my own online experience as a guide?

    Please, hon, with all that is in me I plead, step back from the keyboard. Or if you must post something, I’m sure Chuck would look adorable with a pancake on his head.

    And, if you really need to delete this, it’s okay, as long as you read it first. Because what I type is out of care and out of concern, as a long time reader.

  • devoyka

    Do not read those petty (and honestly, crazy) fuckers. Unread words have no power. Tree falls, no one hears/sees – never fell.
    Don’t read them, don’t mention them and they do not exit.
    You actually have this power.
    Keep on keeping on, Heather.
    Millions of us are cheering for you.

  • Layna Lee

    Funny…you grow your hair out for a change when life is changing itself beyond your control and I got and chop mine off.

    I am having the same growth in the therapy department. My therapist hugged me and said, “You’re done. I have no more to offer you. You offer me more than I do you now.” It only took years and years and then 8 months after leaving an abusive relationship to realize that damn it, I can stand up for myself, stand on my own and make it. I feel like throwing my hat up in the air ala Mary Tyler Moore, but alas, I don’t own a single hat.

    You go girl.

  • k3llyroo

    I’m not reading all the billion comments but I think the issue is that people want to be entertained by you and the “brand” of entertainment you’re offering right now isn’t quite what is anticipated and they are flipping their shizz like a kid that’s overdue for a nap. I know you just look at it as your life, but for everyone else it’s another fun blip in the day that they like to read. Imagine turning on Entertainment Tonight and they’re just showing sad pictures and no celebrities? WTF?!Right? I can see both sides. It probably feels disingenuous to write about poop and farts right now, but at the same time it’s hard to read posts that have nothing to do with you. Maybe you can have some guest posts while you clear your head? Sometimes taking a break applies professionally as well as personally.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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