the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Why should rogues have all the fun?

Yesterday afternoon I had to wait for my usual prescriptions to be filled, and can we just talk about how much your pharmacist knows about you? He’s way more intimate with what’s going on in your life than your mom, not that your mom should be intimately involved with your life, BUT STILL. For example, I’m sure there are days when he’s filling a bottle of antibiotics and he has to fight the urge when handing them to you to say, “How’s that bladder infection treating you?”

And your mom doesn’t even know that you know what a bladder infection is! IMBALANCE. If she finds out she’s gonna be pissed. Why she always gotta be the last one to find out, NATHAN?!

A wall of popular paperback books stands to the side of the waiting area, and I casually starting browsing titles only to realize, WHOA. You guys. Have book titles and jackets always been bonkers? You’d think I’d know since I’ve written books but that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve got kids, so the part of my brain that powers concentration leaked out of my ear that one time the eight-year-old kept complaining because the toddler was looking at her.

Okay. First of all, there is no rake on this cover. Bad continuity. Second, the hell? Why would you want to ravish a rake? I looked up the definition of rake and no where does it say that it is another word for SCANTILY-CLAD SEXY PERSON. If I bought this book and no one had sex with a rake I would write a letter to my congressperson and complain about the state of literature.

(Oh, wait. Found it: “A fashionable or wealthy man of dissolute or promiscuous habits.” Still doesn’t specify that he’s naked and/or sexy.)

If the husband’s head doesn’t end up mounted on a plaque above the fireplace then I’m calling bullshit on the title.

You know, what’s her name. That other one. You know. Wait. You don’t remember her name either? THIS MEMOIR JUST WROTE ITSELF.

Gay porn. I wish I knew how to quit it.

WTF? Seriously? Like, his own vampire? He’s all, yeah, I’m the leader of the free world and shit, but check out my free vampire! Blackout curtains on all the windows in the White House, y’all!

Instant Internet classic. Give me back the one I designed for PRINTER and EMAIL and REDO. While you’re at it, um. That plus sign belongs to mathematics. Like no one would notice.


  • PamBo

    2012/04/10 at 1:27 pm

    Oooh, I want to read that first one! HAHAHAHA!

  • PamBo

    2012/04/10 at 1:29 pm

    Wow, My first comment ever on your page and it is the only one so far! Yay me! Love your site! it took me about 3 months to get to “now” I feel so empty inside now that I can’t read your site for a little each day to get caught up!

  • tbean2401

    2012/04/10 at 1:46 pm

    This was one of the funniest posts I have read in a very long time. Almost broke a rib trying not to laugh out loud at work. It is my Monday and it has been a long one. Thank you!

  • ADDGirl

    2012/04/10 at 1:47 pm

    Obviously the president has a vampire to deal with “tricky” foreign policy. He wouldn’t need to necessarily come to the White-house, just do the president’s bidding. I think I missed that episode of Buffy….

  • LDD

    2012/04/10 at 1:48 pm

    Funny stuff!! I needed a sarcastic pick-me-up, so thank you. And where is Cami today? I could use some crazy-ass/genius fashion to brighten my day. I went to her site and looked at some recent posts I hadn’t seen…man, I need some orange shoes.

  • waitimaprincess

    2012/04/10 at 1:59 pm

    OK The President’s Vampire made me burst out laughing. Can you imagine vampire hunters catching him and him all indignant, “Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I am the PRESIDENT’S vampire.” Smug blood sucker. In my mind he’s either Keifer Sutherland’s David in Lost Boys or Eddie Murphy’s Maximillian in Vampire in Brooklyn. Wait, shit, did I just admit that I watched that? And am I now thinking that David and Maximillian will have a vampire battle on the Ellipse for the White House because a black president deserves a black vampire? Damn, I’m bored. And slightly politically incorrect.

  • filmlady

    2012/04/10 at 2:06 pm

    Yay Heather! Comments are open again!

    Speaking of vampires, I just saw the trailer last weekend for Dark Shadows. Johnny Depp. It looks funny as hell, and not unintentionally funny, either. That’s a good sign.

    How come MY local CVS doesn’t have all this crap next to the pharmacy? Time to move.

  • Doghouse Mama

    2012/04/10 at 2:21 pm

    Oh good God! So funny! I just love these books. In my house, books like “How to ravish a rake” and “husband hunters” were referred to as crotch novels. I have one classy family!

  • acbug3

    2012/04/10 at 2:28 pm

    The President’s Vampire is actually a pretty fun read. Blood Oath is the first book in the trilogy and the third one isn’t out yet.

  • sylla_asylum

    2012/04/10 at 2:44 pm

    Thanks for that one! I really needed the pick-me-up.

    Hang in there yourself, Heather.


  • crivens

    2012/04/10 at 2:54 pm

    No, it’s like that old cartoon where the music escapes from the staff to go drink in another nearby piece of music. The Other Daughter is obviously going to Catch A Cowboy, while the President’s Vampire (BADASS) is on a Husband Hunt using the first command of the vampire, which is Thou Shalt Kill. Then, the Icon Thief, using only the icons for Recycle Bin, iTunes and Microsoft Office, will Ravish a Rake, only to find out that no actual rakes are involved.

    It. Will. Be. EPIC.

  • tidw0516

    2012/04/10 at 2:54 pm

    Ok, so the title isn’t great, but The Other Daughter (like pretty much every other Lisa Gardner book) is a pretty good read if you like murder/suspense books.

    At least it doesn’t involve sex with a rake.

  • LittlestFinch

    2012/04/10 at 3:37 pm

    There’s a book called “Reforming a Rake” where the main character has my exact name. I attempted to read it, got about eight pages in, realized the character also resembles me and was both too creeped out by that and too horrified by the writing to continue reading the book. I’ll always wonder if some Harlequin romance novelist was secretly spying on me when she wrote that book.

  • J. Bo

    2012/04/10 at 5:50 pm

    The only thing more hilarious than these books and your commentary is the fact that YOU FOUND THEM WHILE WAITING FOR HIGHLY PERSONAL PILLS.

    Life is abjectly painful at times, but blessed absurdity can come along and save the day when you least expect it.

  • anne_cunningham

    2012/04/10 at 11:49 pm

    my Pharm is located inside a very large grocery store. today, for my wait time and i suppose the bulk i spent on RXs, i received a coupon for a free rotisserie chicken, which was FANTASTIC … because my grand girls are here with me for their spring break from elementary school. tonight we were going to have a tent in the living room and camp out eating homemade pizza, but THE PHARMACY TOOK TOO LONG so instead we had this glorious rotiss chicken! –now that they’ve been zonked (FOR.HOURS!!!!) and i’ve finished working, i have to say THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS LAUGH!

  • Pandora Has A Box

    2012/04/11 at 9:06 am

    I have three thoughts (at this moment about this post):

    1)If we were ever to go to a bookstore together, we’d most likely get kicked out or they’d call the EMS because we’d be having apoplexy on the floor.

    2)Who reads this crap?

    3)Who writes this crap?

  • Pandora Has A Box

    2012/04/11 at 12:12 pm


  • StarrAmbrose

    2012/04/12 at 7:49 am

    Sorry to be late – I had to quit lurking and sign up just to answer this one. I write this crap, Pandora! And I don’t take offense at sniping at covers, because I do it, too. Authors don’t choose their covers. They often don’t choose their titles, either. The contents you can blame us for – but please read it first, because it may have little or nothing to do with that cover!

  • Pandora Has A Box

    2012/04/12 at 9:02 am

    @StarrAmbrose…fair enough and well said. Since I haven’t written anything, it is unfair to criticize, and of course, your reminder is apt. We can’t judge a book by its cover. (Well, we can judge the cover by its cover; just not the contents)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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