Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

When you get to the bottom you go back to the top

Yesterday when I was looking back through my archives for the post I wrote about September, I realized oh, bleeeeeggggghhh. Last year at this time I was right in the middle of training for that marathon. I can’t even type that word without wincing. In fact, I’m covering my head, gagging, waving my middle finger, and pretending to jerk off. Is that not expressive enough? Should I do an interpretive dance about my feelings? How about I just pull down my pants and pee on a baby. That should do it.

A mother of one of Leta’s classmates pulled me aside the other morning and mentioned she was about to run her first marathon, and you guys. The feeling of relief I experienced knowing that I don’t ever have to do that again nearly knocked me to the ground. I was happy for her, but I was even happier for me! I was like, thanks for the reminder that my future is awesome!

I think I’m happiest about not being injured. Sure, I sprained my ankle being a clumsy idiot in July, but that’s healed and I’m back to working out on a regular basis again. This is kind of essential to my emotional well-being (she says as everyone around her nods knowingly at each other). Since school is back in for both girls I’ve had to get a little creative with my schedule and routines, and I thought I’d share a workout I do at home when I don’t have time to make it to the gym. There’s no special equipment involved, just a staircase and a pillow to muffle my own screaming.

The basement in my house is a few feet deeper than normal basements (more room to hide the bodies), so the staircase I use has 16 steps. I start a timer, turn on my iPod, and start the first of seven sets. Each set goes like this:

1. I walk up the stairs, one at a time, 10x.
2. I walk up the stairs, two at a time, 10x.
3. I jump to the second step with both feet, squat, jump to the fourth step, squat, jump to the sixth step, squat, and so on until I reach the top. That’s eight total jump squats all the way up the staircase. I do this 1x.
4. When I get back to the bottom of the staircase after #3, I drop and do 10 pushups.

Seven sets take me about 45 minutes. If I’m feeling particularly plucky I’ll end it by running up the steps one at a time, 5x, and then running up the steps two at a time, 5x. Sometimes that can result in a strong desire to vomit.

If I stop and do the math… that’s a total of 70 pushups and 157 times up the stairs. Each time I do this workout I try to see if I can complete it a little bit faster THAN YOUR MOM.

The best part is I’m in my own home and can get back to my day much more quickly than if I had driven to the gym. No expensive equipment either. I used to do this back when the house I lived in had a shorter than normal basement and the staircase had a total of six steps. I did a whole bunch more sets, but the end result was the same: effective in-home workout. That you should not attempt until you talk to your doctor or some other expert. And if they give you the go ahead you are not allowed to blame me for the searing pain in your calf muscles. Or the fact that if you sit down to use the toilet you will not be able to stand back up.

Do you guys do anything at home to keep in shape? Please share.

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